In Quiet Desperation (T. Mansfield)
Understanding the Challenge of Same-Gender Attraction

Fred and Marilyn Matis and Ty Mansfield

Preface: The Refiner's Fire

Some time ago, a few women met in a certain city to study the scriptures. While reading Malachi 3, they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse:

"And he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver" (Malachi 3:3).

One woman proposed to visit a silversmith and report to them on what he said about the subject. She went accordingly, and without telling the object of her errand,
begged the silversmith to tell her about the process of refining silver. After he had fully described it to her, she asked, "But sir, do you sit while the work of refining is
going on?"

"Oh, yes, madam," replied the silversmith. "I must sit with my eye steadily fixed on the furnace, for if the time necessary for refining be exceeded in the slightest degree,
the silver will be injured."

The woman at once saw the beauty and comfort in the expression, "He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." God sees it needful to put his children into a furnace.
His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and his wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for us. Our trials do not come at random, and he will
not let us be tested beyond what we can endure.

Before she left, the woman asked one final question, "When do you know the process is complete?"

"Why, that is quite simple," replied the silversmith. "When I can see my own image in the silver, the refining process is finished."

Author Unknown

A Parent's Journey to Understanding
Introduction

In the musical 1776, John Adams struggles with the Continental Congress to pass the Declaration of Independence. After one very heated debate, the Congress leaves
for the day, and John Adams remains alone on the stage. He is frustrated that few seem to understand the need to pass the Declaration of Independence. He is
discouraged because he feels that he alone sees the vision of a great nation no longer in bondage to another country. In his loneliness he plaintively asks the audience,
"Is anybody there? Does anybody care? Does anybody see what I see?"

Although I have not had to battle with the Congress, there have been many times when, as the mother of a child who battled a severe challenge, I asked those same
questions. I too felt frustrated, discouraged-and above all, so painfully alone. I frequently asked my husband, "Is there anybody who cares? Or even understands?"

You may wonder who I am and what was it that led me to ask these questions. More to the point, you may wonder what prompted me to write a book about a subject
that so many people feel uncomfortable discussing.

I wrote this book because when our son Stuart told me that he had the challenge of same-gender attraction, I knew absolutely nothing on the subject. I felt completely
lost and alone, and I really did not know where to turn for help.

For this reason I want to reach out to families who have a loved one who faces the challenge of same-gender orientation. I want to help families understand what Stuart
called "the true nature of homosexuality." I want families to know how important it is for them to be loving and understanding of a child or sibling who experiences this
challenge. I want to bring comfort to such families, and I want them to know that they are not alone.

In addition, I pray that we as a society may become better informed on the issues of same-gender attraction. As we do become more educated about the challenges,
the more loving and supportive and less judgmental we will be. If in any way I can bring knowledge and comfort to families who have a family member with same-
gender attraction and also assist society to better understand homosexuals, then this book will have value.

Let me explain, too, why I use the term same-gender attraction to describe the challenge Stuart had. He told me that he did not like the term homosexual, nor did he
like the term same-sex attraction. He felt that both had a sexual meaning. He preferred the term gay, and yet the term gay, to most people, connotes sexual activity.
Because feelings of same-gender attraction do not have to lead to sexual activity, I use the term same-gender attraction. It is vitally important to distinguish between the
feelings of attraction and the choice to act-or refrain from acting-on those feelings.

As to my background, I am an active Latter-day Saint. In repeated prayers, I have acknowledged to Heavenly Father that as a mother I had made many mistakes, but
I truly have always tried to do my best. I have always loved to read the scriptures, and so, as a new mother I read Book of Mormon and Bible stories to my babies.
Reading scriptures to my children became a pattern. We held family home evening each Monday night. We had family prayer twice a day. My husband, Fred, and I
faithfully attended the temple.

Fred has served as a bishop twice, as a stake mission president, as a counselor in a stake presidency, and, several times, as a member of a high council. I have served
as a ward Primary president, ward Young Women president, counselor in a stake Relief Society, Gospel Doctrine teacher in Sunday School, and an early-morning
seminary teacher for many years. Fred and I both served missions. We married when I was twenty-eight and he was thirty. We became the parents of five children:
three girls and two boys. Both sons and one daughter filled honorable missions for the Church. All of our children graduated from Brigham Young University-as did my
husband and I. And all of our children, except for our son who died, were married in the temple.

In other words, we are a typical, average Latter-day Saint family. We love our Savior and his gospel, and in spite of the weakness of the flesh, we strive to do our best
(see Matthew 26:41).
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And so, as you read our story and the story of our son Stuart, will you pray for a willing heart to guide you to a greater understanding of a great challenge experienced
by some Latter-day Saints, some of whom are active in the Church and faithful to the truths of the gospel of Christ they hold dear?
husband and I. And all of our children, except for our son who died, were married in the temple.

In other words, we are a typical, average Latter-day Saint family. We love our Savior and his gospel, and in spite of the weakness of the flesh, we strive to do our best
(see Matthew 26:41).

And so, as you read our story and the story of our son Stuart, will you pray for a willing heart to guide you to a greater understanding of a great challenge experienced
by some Latter-day Saints, some of whom are active in the Church and faithful to the truths of the gospel of Christ they hold dear?

"Yes Mother I'm Gay"

Upon waking early on a Friday morning in late February 2000, I turned to my husband, and said, "Stuart had a restless night. I heard him pacing in his room until 4:30
this morning."

Fred went immediately to Stuart's room. On his bed was a letter: "Mother, Dad, and Family: I have committed suicide. These words are difficult to write, and I imagine
they are more difficult to read . . ."

It is humbling to recognize how Heavenly Father prepares us for events about to take place in our lives. During the two years before Stuart's death, I had an unsettled
feeling that I needed to gain a deeper understanding of the Atonement. Intellectually, I thought I had a good understanding of it-I had taught it in church classes many
times-but I also felt I had not really internalized it.

Thus, the odyssey began. After a year of searching, serving, fasting, and praying, I felt no closer to achieving my desire to more fully understand the Atonement than I
had the previous year. And so, I fell upon my knees and in tears begged Heavenly Father to tell me what he wanted me to do. Whatever it was, I told Him, I would do
it.

Two weeks after I offered this prayer, Heavenly Father set my feet on a path that in all my wildest dreams I had never imagined I would travel. The path began with a
poignant conversation between me and Stuart. It was a path filled with anguish and sorrow; and yet, it was a path that I am grateful to have traveled. I feel deep
gratitude to my Heavenly Father for the blessings I have received while on this journey. I am grateful to Him for sending Stuart into our family circle.

Let me say simply that Stuart struggled with same-gender attraction, but he kept his feelings a secret from the whole world, including his family, nearly his entire life. Not
until he was thirty-two years old did he tell us about the cross he was carrying. Our other children at various times had asked me if I thought Stuart were gay, but each
time, upset they would ask such a question, I answered, "Just because he doesn't date doesn't mean he's gay!"

Eventually, I decided I must ask him myself. Stuart had just flown home to California from New York the night before and was sitting at his computer in his bedroom
when I approached him. It was January 29, 1999. As I stumbled around trying to ask my questions, Stuart responded, "What you're trying to ask me, Mother, is-am I
gay? Yes, Mother, I am."

Although I had tried to ask the question, I was completely unprepared to handle his answer. It was as though lightning went through my entire body. I had to hold onto
the door handle because I could feel my legs giving out underneath me. How could he be gay? He had a temple recommend in his pocket!

When Stuart informed me that he sometimes was attracted to another man, I thought, "Who taught that to you?" As if he had read my mind, he said to me, "Mother, I
didn't learn this attraction from anyone. And why would I teach someone else to be gay so they could be as miserable as I am?"

I soon learned how misinformed I was. A steep learning curve lay ahead of me.

Shortly before Stuart told us about the burden he was carrying, the media carried the story of Matthew Shepherd, a young man who was brutally beaten to death
because he was gay. As Stuart told me about his own challenge, my thoughts bounced all over the place. It terrified me to think that someone might hurt or even kill
Stuart if it became known that he experienced same-gender attraction. I wondered what his life would be like with no family of his own. Would he find friends who
would understand his challenge? What had caused this challenge? Were his father and I to blame? Could Stuart change his orientation?

For the next two hours Stuart told me the saddest story I have ever heard. He described how at age seven he had a crush on a little boy in his school class and how his
good friend had a crush on a little girl. He thought his friend's having a crush on a little girl was the strangest thing he had ever heard of, and he couldn't comprehend
how that could be.

At age twelve, when Stuart received the Aaronic Priesthood, he thought his same-gender attraction would change. It did not. And then he thought when he received his
patriarchal blessing, his same-gender feelings would change. They did not.

Surely his feelings would change when he attended the temple for the first time and then went on his mission. They did not. When he returned from his mission, he was
called to be an elders quorum president. Now, surely, he thought, God approved of his life, and his challenge would be taken away. Once again he was disappointed.

Stuart told me that as a child he would deny himself watching his favorite television programs or going to a party as self-punishment for being attracted to other boys.
After his mission, when he returned to Brigham Young University, he went fasting and praying to the temple every week, seeking for the power to alter his attraction
orientation. Night after night, he wept as he prayed the entire night-begging and pleading with God to change him. He began experiencing panic attacks because he was
terrified that someone would guess his secret. And yet, Stuart had become a master at hiding his feelings.

He stayed two years longer than he needed to at Brigham Young University because he was so afraid to leave an environment that seemed relatively safe to him. He felt
that once he left, he would lose all hope of being able to change his same-gender attraction. Finally, he reluctantly returned home to California and began to work for a
consulting firm, traveling back and forth across the nation, living on airplanes and in hotels.

His hectic, lonely life began to take its toll. As his parents, Fred and I could tell that Stuart was stressed, but we assumed the stress was related to his work. We did not
realize that he was having suicidal thoughts because he felt that God had abandoned him.

Stuart's entire life was spent striving for perfection. He reasoned that if he were perfect, then he would find God's approval. His efforts became a never-ending cycle:
effort-perceived failure-effort-perceived failure. The harder Stuart strove for perfection, the more he hated himself. He hated his feelings of same-gender attraction, and
he hated being unable to change his orientation because he believed that he not only could change but should change.

When no change in his feelings occurred, no matter how hard he worked at it, he came to the conclusion that he was not worthy and that God did not accept his
efforts. His self-loathing became so intense that it began to affect his entire life. He lost confidence not only in himself but in God. Once Stuart said to me, "Mother, all
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Because other family members were visiting at our home when Stuart told me of his challenge, it was not convenient for me to talk with Fred immediately. At church on
he hated being unable to change his orientation because he believed that he not only could change but should change.

When no change in his feelings occurred, no matter how hard he worked at it, he came to the conclusion that he was not worthy and that God did not accept his
efforts. His self-loathing became so intense that it began to affect his entire life. He lost confidence not only in himself but in God. Once Stuart said to me, "Mother, all
my life I have tried to do what is right. I just can't pass the test."

Because other family members were visiting at our home when Stuart told me of his challenge, it was not convenient for me to talk with Fred immediately. At church on
Sunday, I asked our bishop if I could talk with him. He invited me into his office, and after our conversation, he gave me a blessing, which gave me great comfort. Later
that day our visitors left, and Stuart flew back to New York City.

When my husband and I were finally alone, I told him all that Stuart had told me. With tears of compassion in his eyes, he replied in his quiet, understated way, "Well, it
isn't what I had hoped for Stuart's life." How grateful I was that he was so accepting of our son's situation.

My Quest to Understand Same-Gender Attraction

B ecause I had absolutely no understanding of same-gender attraction, I read voraciously every book I could find on the subject. But as a result of all that reading, I
became more confused than ever. Each author had a different opinion of what caused same-gender attraction, and each author had a different opinion of how to handle
the situation.

After much reading, and after talking to many "experts," I have discovered that to date there is no solid scientific evidence pointing with any certainty to the cause of
same-gender attraction. Science is still trying to determine whether something happens in individuals' lives to confuse their gender orientation, or whether individuals are
simply born with factors that influence the attraction. Until we have a definitive understanding of what causes same-gender attraction, all therapy becomes a guessing
game.

Occasionally, I have been asked if I thought someone could choose to have same-gender attraction. My answer is always the same: "I have never met, nor have I ever
heard about or read about someone who has chosen the challenge, but I suppose there are individuals who have been curious and have experimented with same-
gender sexual activity. I believe, however, that they are the exception."

In addition to my quest to understand same-gender attraction, I discovered that every man and woman I learned about who experienced same-gender attraction
suffered great emotional pain. A substantial number of these individuals had repeated thoughts of suicide.

Many people who have same-gender attraction are in denial. Stuart told me that because he was a Christian, he thought he could never be gay. He therefore did all in
his power to deny his feelings. He constantly tried to convince himself that he was not really attracted to other males.

In addition, he was always afraid to look another man in the eye because he didn't know how men looked at each other. He was always afraid that if he looked too
long or had the wrong expression on his face, the man to whom he was speaking would wonder what was wrong with him.

When Stuart was thirty-two years old, he finally accepted his feelings of attraction to other men. He said he cried all night long when he realized his feelings of attraction
had not gone away-nor had they diminished in any way since he first recognized them. He said that he knew what it felt like to go in one day from being a first-class
citizen whom everyone liked to being a third-class citizen whom everyone would hate if they knew his secret. Stuart was gone during the week on work assignments,
but he flew home every Friday night. After he told me of his same-gender attraction, he would spend weekends in long hours of conversation with his father and me. He
would cry as he told us of the deep emotional pain he was experiencing and had experienced over the past twenty years of his life.

Trust in the Lord

When I first learned about Stuart's challenge, sleep did not come easily for me. I would lie awake endlessly at night, trying to make some sense out of what was
happening to our family. I eventually learned that the easiest way to achieve sleep was to repeat the scripture "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto
thine own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5). As I would say the scripture over and over in my mind, sleep gradually would come.

During the last year of Stuart's life, I called twenty temples across the United States every two weeks to put his name on the prayer rolls. As time went on, we became
increasingly aware of our son's desire to end his life. As a result, three times I fasted three days and nights, going without any food or water. We also had family fasts.
And though I do not suggest that others do as I did, it was necessary for my own peace of mind to do so. Most important, I was trying desperately to do everything I
could so that my son could be saved, both temporally and spiritually.

Shortly after we learned about Stuart's struggle, Fred and I went with him for counseling. Stuart had never told us that he loved us, and we had always wondered why.
After one counseling session he told us, "The reason I have never told you I love you is that I haven't allowed myself to express feelings for anyone." He broke down
and wept, and for the first time since he was a little boy, he hugged us and told us he loved us.

Family and Friends

Gradually we began to inform our family and close friends of Stuart's pain-and Stuart began to tell his friends. Our family members were all very kind and supportive.
Some of Stuart's friends were supportive; others were not. It was difficult for Stuart to tell his friends. The friends who rejected him brought more anguish into his life.
There were a few friends, however, whom Stuart was afraid to tell about his challenge. After Stuart's death, it was sad to find the very friends Stuart chose not to tell
were the very friends who had guessed his secret but said nothing to him about it. These friends were waiting for him to bring up the subject. They said that they wanted
so badly to tell Stuart that his attraction orientation was not important to them because they knew what a noble spirit he had. These were the very friends who were the
most understanding and kind.

As we told family and friends, some suggested that we not tell any others. I soon realized that some people felt very uncomfortable talking about homosexuality. At first,
I took the advice and stopped telling anyone. Then I prayed about what to do. I felt that the only way that other members of our Church, our neighbors, our family, and
our friends would begin to understand the challenge of homosexuality was to talk about it. As I resumed telling family members and friends about Stuart's challenge, I
soon recognized that some individuals were willing to understand and others were so closed-minded that no matter what I said, I could not even begin to change their
lack of understanding.

Stuart's Bishop

Eventually, Stuart went to his bishop, Bishop Russell Hancock, in his ward in Stanford, California. In Stuart's time of greatest anxiety and despair, emotionally his
bishop picked him up and carried him when he could no longer carry himself. His bishop also listened patiently, counseled, and gave blessings. Stuart leaned heavily on
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Bishop Hancock asked Stuart if his parents would like to talk with him. Fred and I were grateful for the opportunity. We found the bishop compassionate and very
Stuart's Bishop

Eventually, Stuart went to his bishop, Bishop Russell Hancock, in his ward in Stanford, California. In Stuart's time of greatest anxiety and despair, emotionally his
bishop picked him up and carried him when he could no longer carry himself. His bishop also listened patiently, counseled, and gave blessings. Stuart leaned heavily on
him for comfort and support.

Bishop Hancock asked Stuart if his parents would like to talk with him. Fred and I were grateful for the opportunity. We found the bishop compassionate and very
knowledgeable on the subject of same-gender attraction. He told us that several other ward members experienced the same challenge.

Stuart's bishop asked us what he could do to help our son. We talked to him about how much Stuart loved to teach the gospel. The next week Stuart was asked to be
a Gospel Doctrine teacher.

Bishop Hancock told us that he would always be there for Stuart whenever Stuart needed to talk with him. During the last two months of Stuart's life, he e-mailed his
bishop many times, and Bishop Hancock always replied to him.

An Overwhelming Peace

On a Sunday evening near the end of October 1999, Stuart asked me if we could talk. My husband was attending a stake meeting at church, and Stuart and I were
alone. When we sat down, Stuart told me that he had purchased a gun, and he was waiting the required ten days before he could get it. Naturally, I became upset and
told him all the reasons I could think of why he should not carry out this terrible deed. I spoke of the eternal consequences of his choice. Nothing I said seemed to have
any effect upon his decision, and yet after he and I had talked a while, I felt peace overwhelm me. I could not understand why or how I could feel so peaceful about
our conversation.

When Fred returned from his meeting, I told him about Stuart's conversation with me, but I did not tell him about my feeling of peace. The next morning when he
awoke, Fred went into his office and knelt in prayer. In time he came back into our bedroom, weeping. He told me that he had begged Heavenly Father to tell us what
we could do to keep our son from taking his life. He said, "While I was praying, I began crying so hard I could no longer speak. And then, a great feeling of peace
came over me. I donknow what the feeling means. I don't know if Heavenly Father was saying that Stuart wouldn't try to take his life-or if it meant that Stuart's
challenge would be taken away. All I know is that Stuart is in Heavenly Father's hands."

It was then that I told Fred about my feeling of peace the previous night.

Our children later asked me why Stuart told me about his plan to take his life. I answered that I had learned that when someone thinks about taking his life, frequently
he will talk to someone about the decision. The suicidal person is sending a plea for help-a plea with the hope that there will be a reason to live.

Two days after Stuart came to me with his decision to end his life, one of his good friends, Paul (not his real name), tried for the fifth time to take his own life. When he
failed, Paul begged Stuart not to try to end his own life.

Stuart and Paul met when they were both serving in the Rome Italy Mission. In fact, Paul was Stuart's district leader, and Stuart wanted very much to be the kind of
missionary that Paul was. Although baptisms did not come easily in Italy, Paul would go into towns that hadn't had baptisms in years, and he would have many
baptisms. Paul was not only a gospel scholar but a humble, dedicated, hard-working elder.

After graduating from high school, Paul received scholarships to several universities, but he decided to attend Brigham Young University. At the end of his freshman
year, Paul called his family, who belonged to another faith, and said there was something he needed to discuss with them. He had joined The Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints earlier in the school year, and now he wanted to go on a mission for the Church.

Upon returning home from their missions and then graduating from BYU, Paul and Stuart went their separate ways. Paul went away to law school, and Stuart returned
to the Bay Area in California. Then one day, Stuart received a phone call from Paul, saying he had taken a job in San Francisco. They resumed their friendship.

One day they went shopping together for a gift for our first grandson. Stuart found a stuffed animal and said, "I think I'll buy Mickey Mouse for my nephew."

Paul responded, "Then I'll give him Minnie Mouse."

Stuart exclaimed, "What? You want him to grow up to be gay?"

Suddenly, Paul became very quiet and withdrawn. Stuart wondered what had happened to make his friend react in such a way. When he returned home, he found a
message from Paul on e-mail. The message read: "Stuart, there is something you need to know about me. I'm gay." Stuart quickly responded: "So am I."

Paul had stopped going to church, but he otherwise strove to be faithful to his temple covenants. Stuart tried hard to get Paul to come back to church, and Paul tried
hard to keep Stuart from trying to take his life. And yet, Paul was even more suicidal than Stuart.

After Paul's fifth failed attempt at taking his life, we were dismayed when we once again received a phone call from a friend telling us that Paul had tried for the sixth
time-and again had failed. It was the Saturday following Thanksgiving. Stuart was devastated.

A Father's Blessing

Early in December 1999, a knock came at our bedroom door at two in the morning. Stuart wanted to talk with his father. The two of them went into Fred's office and
talked for awhile. Fred came back into our bedroom and said, "Stuart wants a blessing. Come be with us." In the blessing Stuart was told that he did indeed have a
same-gender attraction challenge, that the challenge would not be removed in this life, and that the Lord knew who he was and that He loved him. After the blessing,
Stuart said, "That's the same blessing my bishop gave me!" It was as though the entire world had been taken off Stuart's shoulders.

Just before he knocked on our bedroom door, Stuart had stood at the front door of our home ready to leave and take his life. After the blessing he was happy and
joking. We had our son back! That was our last Christmas with Stuart. It was a gift from Heavenly Father. And it was one of our happiest Christmases.

There Must Needs Be Opposition in All Things

During the last few months of Stuart's life, voters in California were campaigning to prohibit same-gender marriages. The Church asked its members in California to
assist in that campaign, and they were anxious to do what was asked of them. The problem came when some Church members, completely lacking in understanding the
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                                                  went beyond what was asked of them to become hostile and unkind in their remarks and attitude duringPage
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meetings.
There Must Needs Be Opposition in All Things

During the last few months of Stuart's life, voters in California were campaigning to prohibit same-gender marriages. The Church asked its members in California to
assist in that campaign, and they were anxious to do what was asked of them. The problem came when some Church members, completely lacking in understanding the
plight of a person with same-gender attraction, went beyond what was asked of them to become hostile and unkind in their remarks and attitude during church
meetings.

As a result of the hostility of some of the Church members, Stuart began to have panic attacks at church meetings. He was terrified that someone would guess the
secret that he had kept for twenty years. His bishop, realizing the pain Stuart was suffering, suggested to him that he refrain from attending church meetings until the
election was over.

It was also difficult for me to attend church meetings during this politically heated time. Frequently I returned home in tears. The media was also in a political frenzy.
Newspapers, television news and commercials, as well as talk radio programs, were filled with anger and hate. Finally, I told my husband that I needed to get away
from California for a while. We decided to visit our daughter in Colorado and begged Stuart to go with us. He told us that he couldn't go.

Our Temple Experience

Fred and I were gone for a week, and the day after we returned, we prepared to attend the temple in Oakland. Stuart asked if he could talk to us. He informed us that
the gun was now in his possession. He told us not to look for it in his bedroom, because it was not there-but it was in a safe place where he could get it when he
needed it. I could scarcely talk. When he finished with what he wanted to tell us, we knelt with him in prayer. We told Heavenly Father how much we loved Stuart and
how grateful we were for him in our lives. Upon rising from prayer, we hugged and kissed Stuart and told him once again how much we loved him. And then we drove
to the temple. All the way I kept saying to Fred, "I don't know how you can drive. I have no strength at all!"

During the temple session, I had difficulty concentrating. Fred, on the other hand, kept trying very hard to find something in the session that we could say to Stuart when
we returned home. During the session, Fred received the personal revelation he was seeking. The experience was a sacred one. All I can say is that he received the
strong impression not to worry about Stuart, because he would be all right.

When we were together in the celestial room, Fred drew me into a quiet corner where we could be alone. He described what had happened. We held hands, said a
prayer together, and turned Stuart over to Heavenly Father. When we arrived home, he was still there. That was Tuesday.

Three days later, on Friday, we found Stuart's last letter to us on his bed.

A Letter to the Family

"Mother, Dad and Family,

"I have committed suicide. These words are difficult to write, and I imagine they are more difficult to read. I am sure you know the reasons why I have chosen this
course of action. Throughout my life, despite all the pain that I endured, I always trusted in God and hoped for the best. This hope fed my desire to live. Now,
however, I have become convinced that my anxieties will never be resolved. Furthermore, my anxieties will increase as I continue to deteriorate. As I am incapable of
resolving them myself, I have decided to end them in the only way I know will work. I must remove the chains of my mortality.

"I'm sure that you are trying to reconcile my actions with what you feel were blessings promised to you. Personally, I don't believe in those blessings, but you do, so I'll
try to help the reconciliation process. I am free, I am no longer in pain, and I no longer hate myself. Can you take comfort in the knowledge that my pain has been
eliminated?

"I was convinced that my desire to change my sexual identity was a divinely inspired desire. As it turns out, God never intended my orientation to change in this life time.
I had engaged my mind in a false dilemma, either one is gay or one is Christian. As I believed that I was a Christian, I believed that I could never be gay.

"The same dilemma now faces you. You all believe that the choice of life is good and the choice of death is not. . . . my life was actually killed long ago. Perhaps your
action to help others understand the true nature of homosexuality might help to save many young people's lives.

"As you know, I have been suicidal for years, and in the past year, I have been vocal about my feelings. After a year of expressing my grief to you, I've realized that
there is nothing that any of you could do to attenuate my pain. Thus, I decided not to burden you with my feelings these past several weeks. I'm sure that this note has
come as a complete surprise, because I've done my best to conceal my feelings. Inside, however, I have been a complete mess, and the only comfort that allowed me
to remain upbeat was the knowledge that I would soon end my life.

"Please be assured that in no way did you contribute anything to my depression, anxiety and inferiority complex. Thus, you have no responsibility for my decisions.
Again, I want you to unequivocally realize that you both have been dear and loving. I couldn't have asked for better or more loving parents and siblings. Nevertheless, I
simply could not live another day choking on my own feelings of inferiority. For the first time in over twenty years, I am free from my pains.

"I love you all. I really do. I didn't want to make any final speeches to you, or hug and kiss you because it would have been too difficult for me. I am sure that you
realize that I do truly love and adore all of you. You have been remarkably loving and accepting of me this past year, and I applaud your love. Until we see each other
again, I leave you with happy memories.

"Love,

"Stuart.

When Fred began to read Stuart's last letter, I could hear him cry, "No! No! No!" I was in another room, but I knew immediately what had happened. When Stuart
wrote that he was sure his suicide would come as a surprise, he was mistaken. I knew he would eventually take his life. I had even discussed with Paul what we could
do to stop Stuart from carrying out his plan. Paul told me there was nothing we could do-he said that if we were to turn Stuart in for help, he would be put into a mental
hospital. Paul added, "Then Stuart will hate you, and nothing you can do will stop him. You will only delay the inevitable."

I had watched Stuart carefully his last month. His body language was a vivid warning of his frame of mind. I remember watching him walk down the hallway to his
bedroom. His walk was deliberate, his hands tucked into his pockets, his shoulders slumped, his head bowed down. Frequently, I heard him pacing in his room. Each
time I knew he was having another panic attack-and the panic attacks became a nightly happening.

The  most pointed
 Copyright         warning toInfobase
             (c) 2005-2009,     me was finding  Stuart's scriptures in the hallway by his bedroom door a few weeks before he took his life. I had never read
                                        Media Corp.                                                                                                          my children's
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journals or their mail, but I sometimes checked the marker in their scriptures. As long as the marker was being moved forward, I took comfort in the thought that our
children were walking a spiritual path. Stuart's scriptures in the hallway told me that he had completely given up fighting his anxiety and depression.
I had watched Stuart carefully his last month. His body language was a vivid warning of his frame of mind. I remember watching him walk down the hallway to his
bedroom. His walk was deliberate, his hands tucked into his pockets, his shoulders slumped, his head bowed down. Frequently, I heard him pacing in his room. Each
time I knew he was having another panic attack-and the panic attacks became a nightly happening.

The most pointed warning to me was finding Stuart's scriptures in the hallway by his bedroom door a few weeks before he took his life. I had never read my children's
journals or their mail, but I sometimes checked the marker in their scriptures. As long as the marker was being moved forward, I took comfort in the thought that our
children were walking a spiritual path. Stuart's scriptures in the hallway told me that he had completely given up fighting his anxiety and depression.

Many times in the middle of the night I got out of bed to see if his car were still there. When it was, I cried with relief. And yet, when the final morning came and Stuart's
car was gone, the tears that came were not tears of grief. They were tears born of peace, for I knew that he was no longer suffering with emotional turmoil.

Although losing our son was difficult, it has been comforting to know that he was faithful to his temple covenants. In addition, Fred and I each had an indescribable
feeling of peace that lasted for several weeks after Stuart's death. Fred remarked during this time of peace, "If this is the feeling that we have in the celestial kingdom,
then I want to make certain I do all I can to get there."

One month after Stuart's death. Paul tried for the seventh time to take his own life. This time he succeeded.

The Son We Did Not Know

I did not really know my son until after his death, and the days following his death were a revelation to me. As the news of Stuart's death spread by telephone calls,
emails, and newspapers, we began to receive phone calls came from people all across the nation who had crossed his path. Those who called sobbed uncontrollably as
they expressed their love for Stuart. I did my best to comfort them. Some of these people had met him only once or twice, but they were profoundly influenced by his
kindness and his efforts to assist them in a time of need.

A consistent theme mentioned by all who called was Stuart's great passion for life. One roommate said that passion was Stuart's favorite word. Everyone who called
said that no matter what he was doing, he did it with passion and intensity.

They all said that Stuart was the kindest person that they had ever met. That did not surprise us. As his family, we were aware of his tenderness and kindness. I had
always joked that when I became old and gray, it would be Stuart who would hold my hand.

The callers all said that Stuart was the most nearly perfect person they had ever met. Some of his former roommates would sit around their apartment talking about
Stuart and ask each other how he had become so perfect. Because of his excessive zeal to achieve perfection and his continued obsession with trying to change his
feelings of same-gender attraction, life just became more than he felt he could endure.

In addition to his last letter, Stuart had left a note to us asking us not to have a funeral. He wanted to be remembered as the "living" Stuart-he did not want us to dwell
on his death. As people came to our home to comfort us, however, they told us that we needed to have a memorial for Stuart and to use it as a "teaching moment."
After some thought, we consented. Stuart died on a Friday. The memorial was planned for the following Wednesday.

Because Stuart had gone to the steps of our stake center in Los Altos, California, to take his life, and because of the political climate in California at the time of his
death, by Wednesday morning the media was picking up on Stuart's death. Early Wednesday morning phone calls from media people from New York to San
Francisco began pouring in. We received so many calls by midday that I became concerned about having Stuart's memorial service, fearing that it would be turned into
a media circus. Because of my concern, I knelt in prayer and asked for Heavenly Father's guidance. The phone continued to ring. I continued in prayer to seek
Heavenly Father's will. The phone was still ringing when Fred and I were ready to leave for our chapel. Once again we knelt in prayer.

When we arrived at our chapel, there were television vans, camera crews, and reporters waiting for us. It was necessary to post security guards at all the doors to
prevent the camera crews from coming into the church. Fred and I expressed our concern to our stake president, President David L. Lowe, and he suggested that we
kneel together and pray one more time for guidance. When we arose from the prayer, our president said, "It is the Lord's will that this memorial service be held."

People Are There! People Do Care!

As we walked into the chapel, we could see that both the chapel and the cultural hall were filled with friends and loved ones. When it was my turn to speak to the
congregation, I was overwhelmed to see and feel so much love for Stuart and for our family. After the service was over, we stood in a receiving line for more than an
hour as people spoke with us and thanked us for helping them better understand the challenge of same-gender attraction. Many people apologized for unkind
comments they had made in the past about homosexuals. Two stake patriarchs told us that they had learned more in Stuart's two-hour memorial service than they had
in the past twenty years. Several people also remarked that they had sensed a major shift in the understanding of same-gender attraction take place at the service.

I have never witnessed a pentecostal event, but the Spirit was so strong in the service that I am certain the feeling of the meeting was very close to the Day of
Pentecost. At that point I knew that people did care! My heart was brimming with gratitude for my Savior and the goodness of family and friends.

We flew to Utah the day after the memorial service. We had already planned to move to Utah in another three months, and so we decided to bury Stuart in a cemetery
near our new home. The news of his death seemed as prevalent in Utah as it had been in California. Fred became concerned about another invasion of the media and
asked the city police to assist us. How grateful we were for their response. When we arrived at the cemetery on Friday morning with the casket, we were once again
met with television crews and newspaper reporters.

A reporter who spoke with me after the graveside service said with tears in his eyes, "I wish my parents were as loving and understanding as you are." I looked into his
eyes and asked, "Are you gay?" He hugged me and whispered, "Yes."

Stuart was buried the day after his thirty-third birthday.

On the night of his burial, the television news showed a picture of our family and friends at the graveside service. I felt so violated. As we flew back to California, I
turned to my husband and said, "Let's pray that the invasion of our privacy is over. What more does the press want?" Little did I know what lay before us.

Because it was Sunday, we went directly from the airport in San Jose, California, to our family ward chapel. After Relief Society, a friend said to me, "They say that
gays don't teach it to you, but I know they do!" I looked at her in amazement. Later the same day, another friend said that Stuart had to have been lying to us, because
Heavenly Father would never have allowed Stuart to be a homosexual. Surely, he said, Stuart must have done something wrong to cause this challenge.

I could not believe that these friends harbored such erroneous thoughts. I could only think that they still were learning.
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Truth Mingled with Fiction
Heavenly Father would never have allowed Stuart to be a homosexual. Surely, he said, Stuart must have done something wrong to cause this challenge.

I could not believe that these friends harbored such erroneous thoughts. I could only think that they still were learning.

Truth Mingled with Fiction

When we arrived home following our church meetings, we found our mailbox stuffed with cards from reporters asking for interviews. The media had so persistently
invaded our privacy that the Church assigned a sister in our stake to take all phone calls directed to us. We did not answer the phone for more than a month.

Later we learned that Time and Newsweek magazines were asking for interviews. We declined. Soon, however, we discovered that Newsweek had gone to some of
Stuart's friends for an interview. We also learned that Newsweek planned to approach our younger son, Bill, who was a student at Brigham Young University at the
time.

We called Bill and told him that although the decision was his, we preferred that he not give any interviews to the media. He chose to be interviewed. When the
reporter interviewed him, he asked to take a photo of Bill in front of the Salt Lake Temple. Bill declined but agreed that a photo could be taken out in the hills
someplace.

As Bill posed for the picture, the photographer kept saying, "Don't smile," or "Your smile is too big." Bill kept insisting that he wasn't smiling. Finally, a photo was taken
with Bill looking angry. That photo was published next to a photo of the Salt Lake Temple.

What concerned me even more was a statement attributed to me. The article read: "Stuart's mother wrote to the leaders of the Mormon Church, asking them to change
their position on homosexuals." I have never made such a request, nor will I ever do so.

As I reflected on the events of the preceding year, I concluded that the most difficult part was the media invasion of our privacy. It was difficult to see how the media
misrepresented Stuart's life, particularly for political purposes. The most hurtful were statements Stuart supposedly had made. One such statement claimed that Stuart
had said he wanted to have a loving relationship with a male like the relationship his parents had with each other. Stuart never made such a statement. In fact, Stuart and
I had discussed that very subject several times. Each time he said, "Mother, I would never allow any such relationship to happen. I would kill it before it ever got
started!"

Be Faithful to the Things You Know to Be True

Before Stuart died, there was a time when many voices were pulling at me. Each voice tried to get me to accept a different philosophy of why Stuart was the way he
was and what he should do. As a result, I fell upon my knees and cried to Heavenly Father, "I don't know what is right! I don't know what is wrong! I only know that
Jesus is the Christ, the Atonement is real, Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, the Book of Mormon is true, and President Gordon B. Hinckley is a modern-day
prophet of God!" Just as I finished exclaiming my testimony, the thought came ringing to my mind, Be faithful to the things you know to be true. It is equally important to
help those who are struggling because of same-gender attraction to be faithful to the things they know to be true!

Since Stuart's death, we have learned about and met many devoted Latter-day Saints who have the same challenge as Stuart's and who are faithfully serving in the
Church. Because of the homophobia that prevails in society, they have lived secretive lives of quiet desperation.

A cross has been laid upon those who have feelings of same-gender attraction. We need to help them by loving them, having compassion, and trying to understand
them. We need to help them to carry their cross and to know that they can make a joyful contribution to the kingdom of God. One of Stuart's favorite sayings when he
was asked to serve was, "If I don't do it, who will?" The same applies to us. If we don't help our brothers and sisters are in need, who will? So many who suffer do not
have even family and friends to love and support them. Where are they to turn for understanding and love-to us in the Savior's Church, or to the world? As parents of a
child who suffered as a result of this difficult challenge, Fred and I pray that we, as members of the Savior's Church, will help all who struggle to stay centered on
Christ. We need to help those who are hurting listen to God's wisdom and not to the wisdom of the world.

During Stuart's last year with us, there were times when the grief we experienced seemed so unbearable I could scarcely breathe. Yet time has shown us the great
blessings the Lord had in store for us. And as challenging as the last year of Stuart's life was, there were loving notes along the way from our Heavenly Father to let us
know that we did not walk the path alone. We knew that our Savior had also walked this path for us, and He did indeed know how to succor us.

After Stuart died, I sent my testimony in a letter to a family member. I wrote, "At Stuart's death we felt the Comforter strengthening us and carrying us in our time of
need. And in our extremity, we found our Savior and knew Him as we had never known Him before. Our testimony of the gospel became more precious to us. Our
understanding of the Atonement became more clearly defined, and our love for our Savior became more reverent and profound. Our lives will never be the same. Who
we are today, we owe to Stuart and all that we learned through the last year of his life. Stuart's life was and continues to be a schoolmaster for us. How grateful we are
for his integrity and courage to remain faithful!"

Letters of Comfort

After Stuart's memorial service, the city of San Francisco set aside a day in memory of Stuart, and radio stations dedicated songs to Stuart. Nevertheless, the most
meaningful tributes to Stuart were the letters of great comfort which flooded our home. We received letters from family and friends and also from people whom we had
never met.

"Dear Fred and Marilyn,

"We just returned home from Stuart's memorial service, and I felt the need to write a note to you. I never met Stuart, as far as I know. I wish that I had known him-and
look forward to that opportunity on the other side of the veil. I was deeply touched by what you both shared with us tonight. I appreciate so much your willingness to
help us better understand Stuart's struggles. I realize how much I have yet to learn about the Atonement and the extent of the Savior's love for us. Your obvious love for
Stuart and for one another is a blessing for us and for all that attended this evening.

"I expect that Stuart's life and death will provide hope and direction for many of us. He provided me a service that I appreciate in that I better recognize the need to
love and to serve Heavenly Father's children-all of them.

"On the way out, I noted the TV truck outside the building cranking up their antennae to send their report of the service. I so hope that they can capture the spirit and
love that was there in abundance.

"May the Lord
 Copyright (c) bless you andInfobase
               2005-2009,    your family.
                                     MediaThank you for this evening of understanding.
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"Faithfully yours . . ."
"On the way out, I noted the TV truck outside the building cranking up their antennae to send their report of the service. I so hope that they can capture the spirit and
love that was there in abundance.

"May the Lord bless you and your family. Thank you for this evening of understanding.

"Faithfully yours . . ."

"Dear Fred & Marilyn-

"When I heard of the death of your son Stuart, I wanted to come and see you and talk with you. But I knew you would have a house full of guests and family, and I did
not want to talk to you on the phone. I probably could not have gotten through anyway. I thought I would come at a later date so I would not have to impose on you. I
thought, I'll see them at the memorial.

"Your daughter Katharine appropriately sang a beautiful song that opened a very tender, stirring service. I never knew any of your children, but I do know they come
from a home of a very loving mother and father.

"I do not know the feeling of losing a child, but I do know your grief is very deep. I have always held homosexuality at a very low level and have been very adamant in
my expressions about it and have held a low tolerance for it. But your talk, Marilyn, has gotten me to thinking, and I have taken a different direction on my attitude
towards it. I know your remarks were inspired of the Lord, and they put a whole different meaning on my approach to this subject.

"I do not know whether I can change my thinking or not, but I certainly will look at it in a different view. I do know that regardless of what our children do or become,
the mother's love is a deep and ingrained feeling, and I certainly respect your love for Stuart. I know he had to be a special person because of the friends he had, the
mission he completed, when he was an emissary of the Lord, his work habits, and his love for his fellowmen.

"I can only say that I would find it very hard to handle this area as well and as lovingly and concisely as you two have. My thoughts and actions have a long way to go
before I can reach that level, but I certainly will work and strive for it. I know the Lord will bless and comfort you. As you said, 'We will see him and have him again.'

"The gospel is for all, and those of us that have it are blessed. The gospel is true. May the Lord bless you at this time of sorrow.

"As Ever . . ."

"Dearest Matis Family,

"My intent was to send this sympathy card prior to Stuart's memorial. However, I was so greatly affected by what was said that I wasn't sure how to word the feelings
of my heart, much less how to express them to you.

"It was obvious that the Spirit of the Lord, and your own personal efforts to handle this latest trial in your lives, had prepared you. It was also obvious that this trial is
going to serve a purpose for not only yourselves but also others around you and those who are yet to become acquainted with you and be touched by your lives.

"I was greatly saddened to learn of this personal tragedy. The first and biggest question that formulated readily in my mind was, "How could this happen?" Then to find
out Stuart was gay was equally as disturbing, because it was an added burden for you as his family. My next thought was, "How did he become gay?"

"I haven't spent time trying to learn about this issue, as life is so full of challenges for each of us that we only seem to deal with those that are forced upon us. I truly did
not expect such a learning experience when I attended the memorial. I had tried to rationalize my not going by saying that the Matises don't really know me that well,
they won't miss me, as I am only one person.

"I want you to know that I felt privileged to be at this memorial service, and I truly felt that I was on sacred ground in being there. The power with which you
memorialized Stuart was such a spiritual experience. I have known and admired your great testimonies for years. However, it was more than your personal testimonies
that were being borne to those in attendance. I truly felt and saw the power of the Lord with you as you delivered your memorial to your gay son.

"Thank you for your courage to share that with us. The most powerful message was that being gay with same-gender attraction was very different from being active in a
gay or lesbian relationship. What a terrible burden and struggle was Stuart's for so many years.

"The third issue that troubled me was how could he be so faithful in not giving into these sexual drives, yet commit suicide and not be saved because of the act of suicide
alone. The power with which all three of these issues became clear was a real testimony to me. I cannot believe that everyone in attendance was not touched similarly. I
know you were prepared as 'noble parents' to handle this trial and challenge. I also know that it is not over for you and that it will be a big burden to carry as you
endure to the end in a just cause.

"Although the newspapers and gay activists would have it reflect negatively on the Church, I know you will have a big role to play as you move forward in your cause
to help Church members understand this issue and our responsibility to society and to the Lord.

"My prayers are with you. I admire and love you for what you are doing. I am blessed to have been in attendance at this memorial service. I know it was not easy. But
with the Spirit of the Lord on your side, anything is possible.

"Much love . . ."

"Dear Brother and Sister Matis,

"I served with Stuart as a missionary some eleven years ago in two cities. I have just learned of his passing this last weekend while reading the article in Newsweek
magazine. I cried as I read the details. The memories of serving with him have flooded my mind. He was one of the best missionaries I knew. He was always happy and
ready with a smile and a laugh. He knew the gospel and taught it well. He worked hard and was well respected by those he taught as well as by other missionaries. I
am sorry for his struggle. I just felt compelled to write to you and tell you how much your son meant to me and let you know I am sorry for your loss. I will always
remember him as someone I admired greatly."

"Dear Fred, Marilyn and Family,

"ICopyright
   was so saddened  and grieved
            (c) 2005-2009,       to hearMedia
                             Infobase     of Stuart's
                                                Corp.passing. I wish I could have attended his memorial in Sunnyvale, but I found out about it after the fact.  I have8often
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thought about Stuart this past year after learning of the turmoil he's been going through most of his life. I remember him as such a conscientious and intent person. I'll
never forget when I taught Stuart in Sunday School when he was quite young. I received a call from Fred one day after church. I guess there was some discussion or
concern on Stuart's part about the lesson I had taught that day. I don't recall what the lesson was about, but Fred asked that I give Stuart a call and tell him something
remember him as someone I admired greatly."

"Dear Fred, Marilyn and Family,

"I was so saddened and grieved to hear of Stuart's passing. I wish I could have attended his memorial in Sunnyvale, but I found out about it after the fact. I have often
thought about Stuart this past year after learning of the turmoil he's been going through most of his life. I remember him as such a conscientious and intent person. I'll
never forget when I taught Stuart in Sunday School when he was quite young. I received a call from Fred one day after church. I guess there was some discussion or
concern on Stuart's part about the lesson I had taught that day. I don't recall what the lesson was about, but Fred asked that I give Stuart a call and tell him something
to the effect that we didn't have to be perfect, we just had to try our best. I was very impressed by that experience that at such a young age Stuart took very seriously
those things that he was taught. I can't imagine the pain Stuart had to suffer, but it's comforting to know he's receiving the love and comfort that he needs. We love you
and pray that your pain will be lifted and that you will receive peace and comfort."

"Dear Matis Family,

"I went to the church Wednesday night to take my son to Cub Scouts, and I sat in the foyer while your son's funeral went on. What I heard from 'Mom' and 'Dad'
really touched my heart and taught me so much about myself. I gained a renewed faith in this gospel. I want to thank you, 'Mom,' for reading the letter your beautiful
son wrote to you. I have been fighting my own affliction all my life and never really knew it until maybe three years ago. I was touched by how openly you spoke of
your son's sexual orientation and how willingly you were trying to understand it all. You see, my affliction is sexual, as well, although homosexuality is not my affliction.
My affliction came to me through no fault of my own.

"I feel so very close to your son and his agony and self-hatred that he went through, for I have lived with these very same feelings for forty-one years. I have never been
able to speak of them before, for the shame that it brought to me. I know of shame, and I know how it can cut right to the core of a person. That's why I feel so close
to your son, because I understand the shame that he's lived with for almost all of his life. Would you believe that I feel so blessed to have been given my particular
affliction rather than the one your son was blessed with? Yes, I did say 'blessed with.' Before I explain this to you, let me tell you a little about my affliction.

"My father was abusive. He yelled and screamed at us, and I spent most of my days before I was five hiding in my mother's kitchen cupboard when he came home. My
mother finally kicked my father out after fifteen and a half years and six kids later. My father was a very proud man and loved to tell me how he was the right hand of
God. He gave me the impression that I was lucky he let me listen to him, and I believed it.

"Then after my father left the house, a new abuse took its place. You see, my father always had the attitude that women were for one thing, and that was sex. Sex was
everything to him, and we all knew it, even as young children. I should say that my father treated all his children, four sons and two daughters, exactly the same, so we
all got the same abuse. The sons came to understand that girls were for one thing only, and the girls came to understand that same thing. So after my father left, my
older brothers sexually abused me for years. And like every other child on this planet who is abused by parents or other family members, sexually abused, I thought it
was all my fault.

"I came to hate this affliction I was living with. I hated life and found no joy in anything, and I was just waiting for someone to kill me, because I believed that I was one
of the daughters who had followed Satan and was cast out but had found a way to get past God and find a body. Can you believe that? But those are the feelings that
my father taught me, and the sexual abuse cemented that belief. When we went to church or anywhere outside the house, he was the nicest, smilingest guy you could
meet. He had a way to contend and argue with people sometimes, but no one would ever believe me when I told him how my father was at home. So, I came to
understand that when you go home and shut that door, dads turn into monsters, and so do men and husbands. And I came to understand that these men who are taller
than you can and will hurt you and even kill you. Bad, bad, bad feelings.

"But after I had left the funeral of your beautiful son, I felt so blessed and so favored by God, especially after listening to 'Mom' and 'Dad' talk! The Lord has been
letting me know that I am about to take a new journey and face the feelings I have had since my father and brothers began to abuse me and to learn to forgive. That's
the reason for this new journey, so I can learn to forgive and begin the healing process. After I left the church last night, and even now, my heart and mind are in a
stupor as to how much harder your son's affliction was for him to live with!

"I now have come to understand that I could tell someone about what happened to me, and they would give me love and sympathy and understanding and kindness.
How grateful I am for this understanding.

"I felt such sympathy and pain for your son whom I have never known or met! My heart went out to him, and I can truly and honestly understand why he would take
his life. I have gone through a year of having the very same thoughts, of trying to find the easiest way to do this that would hurt my family the least. I became so caught
up in this idea to take my life that I was actually making plans. At some point, I came to understand how serious I was in my suicide plans, and it shook me up to the
point that I began to tell people about my plans. I went to the psychologist I was seeing and told him about my horrible, ugly feelings and how I always thought I was a
sinner because of what had happened to me as a child. And then, what I affected me the most from the words at your son's funeral was that what had happened to me
as a child was not my fault! Nor was your son's orientation his fault!

"I felt the sense of hopelessness your son must have felt, but I think there's one thing he must have not understood, and that is, that he was gay through no fault of his
own! And that is the most sacred difference that the Lord seems to make between a weakness or affliction and someone who seeks out sin. When 'Dad' said, "The
Savior's atoning sacrifice is far-reaching,' I knew it was true! I didn't just believe it-I knew it! I knew it was far enough reaching for your son, and how I did rejoice for
this special boy whom I had never known! I felt so blessed and privileged to have gotten to know your family and most especially your son this way.

"Your son was a righteous boy who grew into a righteous man. I feel so blessed to have 'known him' in this way! Your son's affliction and how he handled it have given
me strength and courage to go on in my journey-to let the Lord work his miracles and heal me, because he has promised me that he will heal me. This I know. This I
believe.

"I cannot express to you in words how this experience has touched my heart and changed my life forever. I want to thank you for being so open and honest at his
funeral and giving me a reason to rejoice in my easy afflictions when I compared them to your son! For wherever he went in society, he would find opposition, anger,
and even hatred, and very few kind words. I have never in my life understood homosexuality as I now understand it, and it is my most earnest prayer that I never forget
this lesson the Lord has taught me through the two of you, 'Mom and Dad,' and through your son's wonderful example.

"I cannot help but wonder what wonders our Savior shall be working right now, through your son, both on this earth and beyond the veil. I sincerely thank you for this
experience and your love for your son. You've changed my life forever, and for the good. I would go on thanking you over and over because I just can't seem to say it
enough, words just can't express my true feelings. I have asked the Lord to show you, through the Holy Ghost, how I truly feel, and I pray that it will be so.

"With great love and affection . . .

"P.S. I am not
 Copyright  (c) as brave as your
                2005-2009,       son or Media
                             Infobase   you two, 'Mom and Dad,' so I respectfully ask that you not let anyone know who this is from. Speak of it, let others
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keep my name and identity between you and me only, please. Thank you. "

"Dear Matis Family,
enough, words just can't express my true feelings. I have asked the Lord to show you, through the Holy Ghost, how I truly feel, and I pray that it will be so.

"With great love and affection . . .

"P.S. I am not as brave as your son or you two, 'Mom and Dad,' so I respectfully ask that you not let anyone know who this is from. Speak of it, let others read it, but
keep my name and identity between you and me only, please. Thank you. "

"Dear Matis Family,

"I have been wanting to send you a letter ever since I heard of Stuart's death. We were in the same BYU ward for some time. He served as our Gospel Doctrine
teacher. When he taught-everyone listened! There was never a "hall crowd" when Stuart taught! His testimony was always evident, not just in the way he was able to
share his knowledge with me and our ward but the way he made others feel!

"Stuart and I have lost contact over the last couple of years, but whenever I think of great teachers and friends, Stuart Matis is on that list for me and so many others! I
feel honored and blessed to have know him! May the Lord's peace and comfort be with all of you! "

Following is a letter I found as I began packing Stuart's belongings. It is a letter that refers to Stuart's calling as an elders quorum president.

"Stuart,

"I just want you to know how much I have enjoyed working with you this year. You are the most amazing person-truly a Christlike leader! I am continually amazed at
the things you are able to accomplish-your vision, faith, and example have been so inspiring to me personally and everyone in our ward. I know that the Lord has great
things in store for you and that He is so pleased with your diligence in serving Him. You're the greatest, Stuart!"

The second letter was written to the BYU Daily Universe shortly before Stuart's death. There had been several very homophobic letters published in the newspaper,
and Stuart responded to them. He wrote:

"Dear Editor:

"I am gay. I am also LDS. My first same-gender attraction occurred when I was seven, and over the ensuing twenty-five years, I have never been attracted to women.
I realized the significance of my sexuality when I was around thirteen, and for the next two decades I traveled down a tortuous path of internalized homophobia,
immense self-hatred, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Despite the calluses on my knees, frequent trips to the temple, fasts and devotion to my mission and Church
callings such as elders quorum president, I have never been able to attenuate my homosexuality.

"Last year I told my bishop and my family about my challenge. After I did so, my bishop and my father each gave me a blessing inspired by the Spirit. In both I was
told that I was indeed gay and that my challenge would remain. Thus, I read a recent letter to the editor with great pain. The author equated my gay friends and me to
murderers, Satanists, prostitutes, pedophiles, and partakers of bestiality. Imagine having to live with this hateful rhetoric constantly being spewed at you.

"I implore the students at BYU to reassess their homophobic feelings. Seek to understand first before you make comments. We have the same needs as you. We are
not a threat to you or your families. We are your sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, neighbors, co-workers, and friends, and most importantly, we are all children of
God."

The Love of the Brethren

Stuart took his life on the Friday morning before an area conference was held in San Jose, California. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
was, with others, assigned to that conference. Early that Friday morning, he was to have held a missionary meeting with the full-time missionaries in the Los Altos Stake
Center.

Shortly before the meeting, Elder Holland received a phone call telling him not to go to the stake center because there had been a shooting incident there. The details
were not clear. Elder Holland, however, felt some responsibility to know of any such incident on Church property or involving Church members, so he changed the
location and the hour of the missionary meeting and then with President David Lowe, president of the Los Altos Stake, went to the stake center to investigate.

When Elder Holland reached the chapel, he saw Stuart's body lying at the entrance to the back door of the stake center. Police officers were on the scene, and the
immediate area was being cordoned off with police tape. After a brief consultation and in response to the request of the officers, President Lowe and Elder Holland left
the scene, having made arrangements to get further information from the police as they were able to provide it.

The following day, Saturday, Elder Holland told the priesthood leaders gathered at the area conference that although he did not know as yet the full circumstances of
the incident, he did know the Lord and His love. And he knew that the blessings of the Atonement covered the tragedy that had taken place at the Los Altos Stake
Center the preceding day.

Stuart's bishop called to see if we would meet with Elder Holland. When we met in his office in Salt Lake City sometime later, Elder Holland was tender and
understanding. He once again affirmed that suicide is not the answer to life's problems, but he knew that the mercy of the Atonement covered Stuart's last desperate
act. He told us that his being at our stake center in Los Altos and seeing Stuart's body was not an accident and that the Lord obviously intended that he be able to give
comfort to us and to so many others who were affected by this event.

"God does not do anything by accident," he said.

We told Elder Holland that Stuart had always been faithful to his temple covenants and had tried so hard always to do what was right. We saw tears in his eyes when
we told him that Stuart's knees were callused from the many prayers he had offered, including the prayers he offered in the temple, which he had faithfully attended ever
since his mission. Elder Holland remarked, "We want so much to help everyone we can, with a special desire to help those who are striving so courageously to be
faithful. We must find ever-better ways to help the Stuart Matises of the Church, who strive so hard to keep the commandments and their covenants while they 'fight the
good fight' in the gender-attraction they face. I am only heartbroken that he felt that he could not keep on fighting." We have appreciated the chance to stay in touch
with Elder Holland and the interest he has shown in us as a family. As a family, we are grateful for the increased understanding and compassion we have seen exhibited
towards those who suffer with same-gender attraction.

Since Stuart's death, we have seen some changes take place. Perhaps the most notable change was in the youth pamphlet, "For the Strength of Youth." The former
pamphlet read: "Homosexuality is an abomination before God." The more recent pamphlet reads: "The activity of homosexuality is a sin." How grateful we are for the
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In the October general conference of 2000, President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles delivered a sermon in which he set the moral benchmark
towards those who suffer with same-gender attraction.

Since Stuart's death, we have seen some changes take place. Perhaps the most notable change was in the youth pamphlet, "For the Strength of Youth." The former
pamphlet read: "Homosexuality is an abomination before God." The more recent pamphlet reads: "The activity of homosexuality is a sin." How grateful we are for the
clarification.

In the October general conference of 2000, President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles delivered a sermon in which he set the moral benchmark
for all members of the Church. In his address he spoke about those who struggle with same-gender attraction. He remarked, "That may be a struggle from which you
will not be free in this life." During the April 2002 general conference, Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles commented, "Gender
disorientation is greatly misunderstood." (Citation) And in an address in November 2000, Elder Alexander Morrison of the Seventy stated, "The question invariably
arises as to whether persons with same-gender attraction can ever change. While some assert-not on acceptable evidence-that same-gender attraction is immutable and
unchangeable, there is good evidence that some individuals have indeed changed to a normal heterosexual lifestyle. . . . Others, however, despite valiant and prayerful
effort, continue to struggle with the challenge of same-gender attraction. Their burdens are heavy, and their tears many. . . . they can, however, struggle on in faith,
keeping the commandments of God, with the assurance He will strengthen and sustain them. It is not easy, but perhaps it is not intended to be so. Few of life's real
challenges are easy to deal with." (Citation)

With Elder Morrison, we believe that although some individuals appear to have found comfort in a "normal lifestyle," others have not. It is also true that each individual
(male or female) has his or her own level of attraction to one of the same gender. We have discovered that some individuals feel comfortable with the hope of some day
having a relationship with someone of the opposite gender. Some, however, do not find comfort in such thoughts. Stuart, for example, dated for a short time after his
mission. The girl he dated was very popular in his ward at BYU, and many young men commented to him on how lucky he was to be dating Susan (not her real name).
Stuart said, "It felt so good to be like everyone else." And yet, after a couple of months of dating, he realized that he could not entertain any thought of marrying Susan.
He said that the thought of having an intimate relationship with a woman made him feel physically ill.

Submitting to God's Will

Less than two weeks before Stuart died, he received an e-mail from a distant cousin, Jared (not his real name). The cousin wrote that when he had come home from
school for Christmas vacation, his parents had told him that Stuart had same-gender attraction. Jared said, "I also have same-gender attraction, and I am getting ready
to put my mission papers in. What do I do?" Stuart told his cousin: "Tell your parents, send in your mission papers, go on your mission, and come home and take one
day at a time."

Jared served an honorable mission. While he was on his mission, we wrote faithfully to each other. His letters were filled with stories of success because of obedience
and hard work, great love for his mission, and humbling spiritual experiences. At the end of his mission, he returned to Brigham Young University. While there, he
started to bring young men to our home to visit with Fred and me. These young men, all of whom struggled with feelings of same-gender attraction, were returned
missionaries, active in the Church, and trying desperately to reconcile their feelings with faith in the gospel they had grown to cherish.

We were anxious to comfort and help these young men stay focused on the gospel. In many ways, the meetings were spiritual experiences. When we were asked by
these young men and their families who come to our home seeking for understanding, we suggest, "Let the Lord set the timetable for all events in your life." Although we
may wish for all challenges to be taken away on this side of the veil, the Lord may have other plans for us. We do try, however, to encourage each young man who
visits us to stop focusing on trying to change his sexual orientation. We feel that if a person focuses only on changing from a same-gender orientation to a heterosexual
orientation, he or she fails to see that same-gender attraction is only a very small part of who he or she really is.

My husband, Fred, illustrates the point of not focusing on change by asking each young man to hold a sheet of paper close to his nose. Fred asks, "What do you see?"

The young man answers, "The paper."

"Can you see anything else?"

"No."

This application illustrates what can happen if a person with same-gender attraction obsesses with the orientation challenge to the point that he or she fails to see
anything in his or her life beyond that challenge.

Then Fred asks the young man to hold the paper as far out in front of his face as he can reach. Fred asks, "Now what do you see?"

The answer is obvious. When the paper is held away from his face, the young man can then see far more than just the paper.

Fred and I try to help each young man realize that there is more to his life than having a challenge with same-gender attraction. In other words, a person's challenge
does not define who he or she is!

With each young man who has come to our home for comfort and hope, we ask, "What does define you?" The answer should be obvious, and yet, the answer does
not always come easily to these young men. The answer we are trying to help each young man to understand is this: "I am an active and worthy member of The Church
of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am a returned missionary. I am a valiant Melchizedek Priesthood holder. I am temple worthy. I am part of a loving family. I have
good friends who respect me. I am getting a great college education. I have many wonderful gifts and talents, which bless my life."

In addition, we came to realize that it is unwise for the young men to refer to themselves as being homosexual or being gay. We try to help them realize that the terms
homosexual and gay are negative labels that people use to define them. Instead, it is better to say, "I have a challenge with same-gender attraction"-and that is all that
the challenge is: an attraction.

We also urge each young man to focus with all his heart upon the Savior and his teachings. On January 17, 1989, Jeffrey R. Holland, then president of BYU, gave a
devotional address to the students and faculty entitled "The Will of the Father in All Things":

"No amount of university education, or any other kind of desirable and civilizing experience in this world, will help us at the moment of our confrontation with Christ if
we have not been able-and are not then able-to yield, yield all that we are, all that we have, and all that we ever hope to have to the Father and the Son. . . . all
accomplishment of any kind is vain if we cannot, in those crucial moments of pivotal personal history, submit ourselves to God, even when all our hopes and fears tempt
us otherwise. We must be willing to place all that we have-not just our possessions (they may be the easiest things of all to give up), but also our ambition and pride and
stubbornness and vanity-we must place it on the altar of God, kneel there in silent submission, and willingly walk away." (Citation.)

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Peace        (c) 2005-2009,
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                                                          attraction, as well as to their families, only when they have submitted to God's will. As President      11said:
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"Let us all place our will upon the altar of God, kneel there in silent submission, and willingly walk away." We must let God be the author of our lives. We must leave to
Him the decision about when change will occur-whether it is on this side of the veil or on the other side. Too frequently those who suffer try to force events to happen in
accomplishment of any kind is vain if we cannot, in those crucial moments of pivotal personal history, submit ourselves to God, even when all our hopes and fears tempt
us otherwise. We must be willing to place all that we have-not just our possessions (they may be the easiest things of all to give up), but also our ambition and pride and
stubbornness and vanity-we must place it on the altar of God, kneel there in silent submission, and willingly walk away." (Citation.)

Peace will come to those who suffer with same-gender attraction, as well as to their families, only when they have submitted to God's will. As President Holland said:
"Let us all place our will upon the altar of God, kneel there in silent submission, and willingly walk away." We must let God be the author of our lives. We must leave to
Him the decision about when change will occur-whether it is on this side of the veil or on the other side. Too frequently those who suffer try to force events to happen in
their lives, and as they do so, they bring unhappiness into their own lives and also into the lives of others. As we are willing to submit to our Savior, He will bring events
into our life at the time He feels is for our best good.

Reaching Out in Christlike Love

As Fred and I meet with young men who suffer with same-gender attraction, we encourage each one to tell his parents about his challenge. Unfortunately, not all of the
parents and families are understanding. It is devastating when some families reject their son and refuse to allow him to be around family members. Some have actually
stated, "If you come to family gatherings, we will leave!"

A few months after Jared began bringing young men to our home, we received a phone call from him late one night. He was crying and asked if we could come to
Provo and take him to the hospital, because one of his friends had tried to take his life. The attempted suicide was exactly one week before the third anniversary of
Stuart's death. All the feelings I experienced about Stuart's death came flooding back over me.

As we walked into the hospital room, Jared ran to his friend's bed, leaned down to hug him, and wept bitter tears. He quietly said over and over to his friend, "We
promised each other! We promised each other! You promised me!" They had promised each other to reach out for help before either one attempted suicide.

As Fred and I drove home from the hospital, I asked, "When will the suicides stop? When will we, as members of Christ's Church, begin to realize the pain that so
many young men and women experience because of the challenge of same-gender attraction? When will we begin to love and succor them in their time of need?"

When we arrived home, I said, "I know that Elder Holland is in Chile, but I have to call his office to see if someone can help us." The next morning, I talked with Elder
Holland's secretary, Sister Randi Greene, who remembered us from our visit nearly three years before. As a result of my call, Elder Cecil Samuelson of the Seventy
phoned us to set up an appointment. My husband and I had not met Elder Samuelson and we knew very little about him. But by the time Fred and I left Elder
Samuelson's office, we were overwhelmed at the great knowledge he had on the subject of homosexuality. Not only was he knowledgeable but he was most kind and
sympathetic.

In our meeting with Elder Samuelson, I told him of the stress I felt in trying to help these young men with same-gender attraction. I told him that it would be easier for
me to stop trying to help them, but I kept doing it for Stuart. I expressed the sorrow I felt when the families of these young men were not always loving and supportive,
and I wondered if we were really helping-or if we were actually adding to the pain these young men already had. Before we left, Elder Samuelson gave me a blessing.
And so, we continue.

In the years since Stuart's death, we have realized how very important it is for those who struggle with same-gender attraction to tell their families. That is often
extraordinarily difficult for them to do. Each young man who has come to our home has expressed the great fear he felt in revealing to his family the secret he has so
carefully guarded for so many years. Each one has said that he doesn't want to disappoint his family. Some have said that there were other challenges in their families,
and they didn't want to add to the already heavy burden of their parents.

Recently, Matthew (not his real name) shared his feelings and experience with us. The following is his story (told here with his permission):

"I was unsure exactly how to go about telling my father that I dealt with same-gender attraction. I had been counseled to do so by some friends who felt very strongly
that it would be beneficial for me in my progress in dealing with the issue. I couldn't believe I was even considering taking such a step, because I had sworn many times
before that I would never tell either of my parents. When it came right down to it, I was terrified and had no idea even how to start to tell them. What I did know was
that if I were to tell either of them, it would need to be my dad. I felt he would be able to handle the news better than my mom, and then he could eventually help my
mom to understand.

"I began to pray for my father. I began to pray that he would be spiritually prepared to hear what I now felt strongly that he needed to hear. I began to pray that he
would be inspired to give patriarchal counsel. I prayed that his heart would not break when I told him something I despised about myself. At the same time I began to
pray for myself. I prayed that I would be spiritually prepared to tell him something so personal. I prayed that I would know the right time to tell him. I prayed that I
would have the courage and strength to get the words out of my mouth when the time came. I prayed that Heavenly Father would comfort me as I faced what I felt to
be one of the hardest tasks I would ever face in my life. I wanted so badly not to hurt my parents, but I tried to maintain the faith that I would receive divine guidance
throughout the experience.

"I thought about what a friend had told me as I traveled from Provo to my home in Oregon: "Feed your parents one bite of the pie at a time. Don't throw the whole
thing in their face." I had an appointment with a specialist to assess my need for a tonsillectomy. During the hours of the drive home, I was alone, and I prayed and
made the decision that I would tell my father of my trial. Much to my confusion, however, as the weekend at home came and went and the opportunities to tell my
father passed by, never once did I feel it was the appropriate time to tell him. I had spent hours in the car preparing and rehearsing, but for whatever reason, the time to
tell him was not right.

"I did not give up in my determination to let my secret be known. It was a strange feeling. I did not want to tell my father or anyone else in my family, but I knew it was
something I had to do. I could not understand what good it would do, but I had faith in what my friends had told me. My biggest fear, something I was sure of, was
letting my parents down. I did not want to cause them any pain.

"When I returned to Oregon two weeks later for the operation, I promised the Lord I would tell my father if He would arrange a time that we could be alone with time
to talk. I felt it was important for my dad to have an opportunity to ask me questions that potentially could arise.

"I was scheduled for a pre-op the day before the actual operation. The doctor wanted to visit with me and get some last-minute information. It was planned that I
would make the one-hour trip to the neighboring town by myself, but on the morning of the pre-op, I woke up nauseated, too sick to drive. I informed my parents, and
my dad willingly volunteered to be my chauffeur for the day. Just a short time after we left home and got on the freeway, the nausea I had been feeling all morning went
away. It was then I realized what had happened. My prayers had been answered. There I was, in the car, alone with my dad, for at least two hours. The time had
come to tell him, and I was more nervous than I had ever been for any other single moment in my life!

"I said, 'Dad, if I were struggling with something in my life, would you want to know about it?'
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"He replied very calmly, 'Well, if it were something I thought I could help you with, of course I would want to know.'
come to tell him, and I was more nervous than I had ever been for any other single moment in my life!

"I said, 'Dad, if I were struggling with something in my life, would you want to know about it?'

"He replied very calmly, 'Well, if it were something I thought I could help you with, of course I would want to know.'

"I began to explain to him. 'Well, there is a battle I have been fighting for as long as I can remember. I know that, as a bishop and under other circumstances, you have
dealt with this situation to some degree. I have dealt with this issue since I was a little kid, and at times I have thought it just might drive me to insanity. It has caused me
more pain and frustration than any other thing I have experienced. I feel like I need to tell someone, but it is something I have never told anyone except for my
priesthood leaders."

"Then I paused for a moment, and he was silent. By this time my eyes were filled with tears of frustration at not wanting to say the words. I wasn't sure what to say
next, so I said one more brief prayer in my heart, swallowed what pride I had left, and quietly said, 'Dad, I deal with same-gender attraction.' Again he was silent. I
could tell he was thinking. I was expecting him to begin asking me questions, such as, 'What have you done,' or 'Do you have a boyfriend?' But the first words out of
his mouth were, 'Well, that doesn't change how much I love you, and with whatever happens, I don't want you to forget that.'

"He couldn't have said anything more appropriate. There was nothing I needed to hear more. We just sat there for a moment and then began to discuss the issue. He
asked me questions, and I answered. In my mind I couldn't believe it was over. I couldn't believe he had reacted so well, but then I realized how strong the Spirit was
in the car, and I realized my dad had been prepared to hear what was so important for me to tell him.

"Since our first discussion, we have had many more. There have been moments of frustration as I try to understand where my dad is coming from and as he tries to
understand where I am coming from, but I can feel his love and concern. I can feel the power of prayers from both my mom and my dad. In a new way they have
begun to study the scriptures, listen to general conference, and understand things in a whole new light. They are always telling me little things that have been revealed to
them that they think might help me.

"It was almost a year after telling my father that I realized the importance of having my parents be aware of my situation and my trials. I always thought it would do no
good, because they had no idea where I was coming from. I was sure my friends who dealt with the same issues and who were not willing to give in to the adversary
were a much better source of help. I have since learned that this is not so. Although they are a wonderful support to me, they are not entitled to receive revelation for
me as my parents are. My parents are still learning, and although they do not understand everything about same-gender attraction, they have given me much counsel,
which has blessed my life."

In addition, Matthew told us that as he thought about all his friends who struggle because of same-gender attraction, he quickly realized that the friends who seem to
have the most peace in their lives are the friends who have told their parents about their challenge. We have encouraged the young men who have met with us to be as
patient and as understanding with their parents as they want their parents to be with them. The parents will have to go through a learning curve, and, in most cases, the
parents are trying very hard to understand their child's challenge.

Recently, one of our daughters asked me how old I thought a child should be before same-gender attraction is discussed. Because every young man and young woman
receives the pamphlet For the Strength of the Youth at the age of twelve when they enter the Church youth program, and because the pamphlet discusses same-gender
attraction, I responded, "Twelve is a good age." This would be an opportune time to talk to a young person about this sensitive topic by using the pamphlet to facilitate
a discussion. In fact, all the topics in the pamphlet could be talked about so the teenager wouldn't feel targeted or awkward.

If, in a discussion, parents were to help their young teenagers understand the difference between same-gender orientation and the activity of that orientation, there
would be more compassion and less judgment. It is vitally important to understand that one's orientation does not define who one is. Same-gender orientation is a
challenge, not a character defect.

So many times my husband and I have asked ourselves, "If we had known about Stuart's challenge when he was much younger, and if he had known that we
understood and accepted his challenge [Marilyn and Fred: or "accepted him as he was"?], would that have changed the course of his life?" As a result of many lengthy
conversations, we have felt the necessity for all families to be open in their discussion of same-gender attraction. How wonderful it would be if all children with the
challenge knew that they were loved and accepted by their families! One of the greatest blessings that could some as a result of such family awareness is for children
with a same-gender challenge to feel comfortable sharing their "secret" with their parents and asking for their love and support. If all youth knew that they were loved
and accepted, there would be fewer suicides and fewer children lost to the gospel of our Savior.

Each young man who has come to our home has had his own individual experiences, but each one has a great desire to stay focused on the Savior and His gospel. The
level of spiritual maturity that has been shown by these young men is profound. One of these young men said to me, "If Abraham could put his only son on the altar as a
sacrifice, then I can put my same-gender attraction on the altar as a sacrifice to my Savior."

Each time we meet with someone with same-gender attraction, we read a quotation from Elder Henry B. Eyring:

"The realistic view of our limitations creates a humility, which can lead to dependence on the Spirit and thus to power." (Used by permission.)

As these young men and women realistically face their challenge and the limitations the challenge brings to their life, they will recognize the need to lean on the Spirit for
guidance. And as they humbly do so, they will have the power to remain faithful and Christ-centered. It is to this end that Fred and I continue our journey with these
choice and noble children of our Heavenly Father.

A Young Man's Search for Purpose and Peace
Prologue

One Sunday morning while I was serving a full-time mission for the Church, my companion and I were handed two pieces of paper during a priesthood executive
committee meeting. On them were the names of two men who had moved to the East Coast a few months earlier but who had not yet attended church meetings. Their
records had been forwarded from a previous ward in Salt Lake City, and the bishop asked us to find the men and report on any potential needs they might have. As I
studied their information, I saw that both had been born under the covenant, and both had served honorable full-time missions.

My companion and I gladly accepted the assignment and made several attempts to contact these two men before we were finally successful. The man who answered
the door was clean-cut and extremely polite. But with a look of shock-and even a sense of nervousness-at seeing us on his doorstep, he invited us in. My eyes toured
the lavishly renovated home as we were escorted into the living room. He offered us a seat, and we continued to talk and get acquainted. He told us about his family in
Utah  and spoke
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companion and I were about to learn more than we had anticipated.

After a few minutes of chatting, we mentioned our purpose in visiting him. At first he hesitated to open up to us, but after a while he decided to share a more personal
My companion and I gladly accepted the assignment and made several attempts to contact these two men before we were finally successful. The man who answered
the door was clean-cut and extremely polite. But with a look of shock-and even a sense of nervousness-at seeing us on his doorstep, he invited us in. My eyes toured
the lavishly renovated home as we were escorted into the living room. He offered us a seat, and we continued to talk and get acquainted. He told us about his family in
Utah and spoke fondly of experiences he had had on his mission. Although he was one of the kindest and most hospitable men I had ever met, I had a feeling that my
companion and I were about to learn more than we had anticipated.

After a few minutes of chatting, we mentioned our purpose in visiting him. At first he hesitated to open up to us, but after a while he decided to share a more personal
part of his life story. His move to the East Coast was more than a simple desire for a change of scenery. It was partly an escape from an environment where he was
continually reminded of the past he felt he was no longer a part of-a past of active fellowship in the Church. He and the other man we had been sent to speak with were
living in a homosexual relationship and had been together for nearly two decades. He continued to explain his history, and as I sat listening, I wasn't quite sure what to
think or how to respond.

I was intrigued and intensely confused, for he was not what I had always understood homosexuals were like. He was a good, kind, and normal-looking man. I later
learned that after these two men returned from their missions, they continued to be active in the Church and dated women until their feelings of homosexual attraction
became so intense that each one decided it was time to "face reality"-and they gradually became inactive. This was my first experience speaking with someone who was
living in such a relationship or who even experienced such attractions, as far as I knew. Our discussion that night was an experience upon which I have often reflected.

As we walked away, my companion and I talked about the experience. Not able to understand how someone could be attracted to others of the same gender, my
companion expressed lack of comprehension of how anyone could sincerely believe he had been "born that way," born with feelings that were obviously not natural.
While he expressed his confusion at the situation, I remained silent and ached. I wasn't sure how to respond, for I did understand-more than I thought I could ever
admit, even to myself. And though at the time I didn't feel it was something I would ever share with others, I understood in a very real way the feelings and emotions
that these men experienced. I had experienced similar attractions and emotions for as long as I could remember.

Facing Reality

Raised as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I grew up with an idealistic view of life and of the gospel. The formula was simple: Be good,
and you'll be happy. As a child, I had faith in the teachings of my parents and of the Church. The future course of my life seemed already laid out for me: I would
graduate from high school, go to college, serve an honorable mission, marry a beautiful and faithful daughter of God in the temple, graduate from college, get a good
job, and live a life faithful to Christ and the Church, raising ten plus kids along the way.

During junior high and high school, I was pretty involved with school and other extracurricular activities and had a really good group of friends. I rarely missed any of
the dances or other school activities and served in student leadership throughout high school. I dated often and had a lot of great friends who were girls. Once a
teacher, the ski club advisor in high school, bet me a hundred dollars that I would be married within six months after returning from my mission. I have never collected
on that bet, but my reasons for not getting married were certainly not that I didn't need the money, because at the time it was a fairly attractive sum to a prospective
young college student with little cash and a world to conquer.

I have heard it said that we don't see the world as it really is but rather as we really are. As we grow and change and learn and encounter life's many wonders, we
experience paradigm shifts in the way we view our surroundings. As part of that growth, there come times in our life when our belief system conflicts with our
experience-when aspects of what we have believed or have been taught are called into question by what we are, what we feel, and what we see around us. We have to
ask ourselves why we believe the way we do. When that questioning occurs, something must change for that conflict to be resolved. Either our beliefs must change or
we must reinterpret our feelings or our experiences in light of our belief system-or possibly a combination of both.

One of my first memorable experiences with this was on my mission. I had been raised in a predominantly Latter-day Saint community where anything outside Utah
was referred to as "the field"-where the converts were ripe, thirsting for the restored gospel, and ready to be "harvested" (D&C 4:4). Being a member of the "only true
and living Church" (D&C 1:30), I, in my naï¿½vetï¿½, interpreted that to mean we had a monopoly on God and truth and goodness and that a world hungry for God
and truth and goodness was just waiting for me to don that black name tag and lead the soon-to-be-translated cities to their eternal deliverance. In my idealistic eye, I
could envision my companion and me joyously waving the Book of Mormon in the streets, and truth-seekers running from their homes to hear the true message of
salvation with the same eagerness that we approached the ice cream truck that traversed the neighborhood in the summertime when we were kids.

Needless to say, that is not quite how things transpired. I was awakened all too quickly to the struggle, the rejection, the canceled appointments, the Book of Mormon
in a plastic bag hanging from the knob on the front door, and the unmet baptismal dates that often came with missionary work. Being part of a Church trademarked for
its focus on families, I was surprised to witness how many healthy, stable, and happy families thrived outside the Church, many of whom were highly religious and more
knowledgeable of the Bible and seemingly more faithful to God than I was at the time. I was in awe at how many had genuinely seemed to experience God outside of
Christianity and Christ outside of Mormonism-many whose eyes bespoke sincere peace and faith. I also witnessed the many seemingly good and moral people who
had no interest in God or religion in any degree, and my heart ached for them. These experiences caused me to reflect deeply upon what I had always understood to be
true. I was forced to turn to God for the light and knowledge I needed to reconcile the incongruity between my preconceptions and my experience.

That is also how my experience with same-gender attraction has been. Most of the information-or, rather, misinformation-I have been taught about homosexuality from
the media, and even from some members of the Church, was that homosexual men were all effeminate men; men who wore dresses; men who molested children; men
who wore only leather; promiscuous men who had sex in parks, restrooms, and bathhouses; men who paraded themselves and their "diversity" annually through the
streets of large cities; men who had no belief in God or who hated Him and had no moral values. I had occasionally heard homosexuals in general compared to or
equated with murderers, Satanists, prostitutes, pedophiles, and partakers of bestiality. But I fit none of those descriptions, so I was certain I couldn't be one of "them." I
was fearfully conscious of my attraction to other men, but in light of all the hateful rhetoric I had ever heard, I felt that if I were honest about my own feelings, I would
simultaneously be admitting that I was at best a bad person and at worst a pervert, an abomination to God and all that is good, destined to be thrust into the fiery pits of
an eternal hell.

As far as life is concerned, hindsight has a funny way of telling a different version of history than the one you thought you were experiencing. At least that is how it has
been for me. From my earliest recollection I was attracted to guys. Looking back, I can see experiences and feelings that reflect that attraction, but though I was
conscious of them, I never admitted them to myself and thought of every reason imaginable to rationalize them away. Looking back through my journals, I have found
several entries where I deduced reasons why I was "now sure" I wasn't and couldn't be gay.

I've always had a fair number of male friends, but as we grew older I became increasingly aware of the disparity between my own attractions and those of my friends.
While they were developing attractions toward girls, mine were toward other guys. There were plenty of girls, though, whom I thought were fun and with whom I
enjoyed spending time, and surely whatever attraction I had for men was a phase. So I dated often and had plenty to add when the topic of women came up in guy
conversations. I also had plenty to say about homosexuals whenever that topic arose, but though vocal in my criticism, I always had an intense curiosity that never
seemed to fade.
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I was fully aware of what would likely result socially if anyone were ever to discover my attraction, for even in the early years of junior high school, I vividly remember,
there were the still-floating rumors of a young man from a couple years previous whose attraction to other men was embarrassingly evidenced one day while he was
While they were developing attractions toward girls, mine were toward other guys. There were plenty of girls, though, whom I thought were fun and with whom I
enjoyed spending time, and surely whatever attraction I had for men was a phase. So I dated often and had plenty to add when the topic of women came up in guy
conversations. I also had plenty to say about homosexuals whenever that topic arose, but though vocal in my criticism, I always had an intense curiosity that never
seemed to fade.

I was fully aware of what would likely result socially if anyone were ever to discover my attraction, for even in the early years of junior high school, I vividly remember,
there were the still-floating rumors of a young man from a couple years previous whose attraction to other men was embarrassingly evidenced one day while he was
taking the mandatory shower after gym class. Any positive reputation he had was completely destroyed, and he became an outcast. Because of the things still being
said about him, I determined at that point that no one would ever discover that about me. I wanted to be loved and accepted, and I knew that if anyone knew the "real"
me, I would be deemed unworthy of all love and acceptance and that that which I had would be forever lost. I refused to allow anyone to get too close to me for fear
that person might discover my forbidden feelings. I resolved to remain quiet about my attraction-desperately quiet.

During this period, I maintained a strong belief in the Church and wanted it as a significant part of my life. I grew up in a religious home with good parents who, I knew,
loved and supported me. My family was always active in the Church, but at the time I never distinguished between spirituality and religiosity. During my senior year of
high school I began to realize my lack of understanding of spiritual things, despite having been raised in a religious environment, and since the time for choosing a college
had come, I wanted to be in a positive, spiritually strengthening atmosphere where I could grow in the gospel. I applied to Brigham Young University and was
accepted.

While attending school that first year away from the watchful eye of parents and family, I began an intense process of self-discovery. In the dorm I quickly recognized
that many other students had grown up in areas where they, as Latter-day Saints, were a minority-sometimes the only member of the Church in their high school-and
from them I felt a sense of spirituality and commitment and conversion to the Church and to Christ I didn't recall seeing in anyone my own age and certainly didn't feel
myself. As I watched some of them, I realized to an even greater degree that I was lacking something and decided to begin my own quest for conversion. I sensed an
increasing need to seek my own personal testimony of the gospel and a deeper relationship with God.

With spiritual and personal study goals in place and religion classes registered for, my journey began. I sought quiet places where I could study the scriptures and
immerse myself in prayer without interruption. Sometimes I would wake up early in the morning and study at my desk before my roommate arose. Other times I had to
seek out some place more secluded, and I soon discovered the basement music rooms. Often I would go there for hours to study the scriptures, ponder, pray, and
record my feelings. I began to have experiences with the Spirit that opened up my mind and heart. I began to better understand my relationship to God and the
truthfulness of the gospel I had always taken for granted. There was a feeling of conversion, of an internal change, taking place that I had not previously felt. In a real
way, I no longer simply believed or accepted the truthfulness of the Church and its teachings about our relationship to the Father as an intellectual or even spiritual
acknowledgment. I knew it in my heart and truly "felt to sing the song of redeeming love" (Alma 5:26).

A verse in the book of Mosiah reflects the way I feel about the things I learned in that basement music room and at the corner desk in my dorm room. After Alma was
touched by Abinadi's words, he hid in the woods to escape Noah and his priests and began to teach others who dared venture to his retreat. The feelings expressed by
those who were converted through Alma's preaching express the feelings I had as I began to experience my own conversion that year: "All this was done in Mormon,
yea, by the waters of Mormon, in the forest that was near the waters of Mormon; yea, the place of Mormon, the waters of Mormon, the forest of Mormon, how
beautiful are they to the eyes of them who there came to the knowledge of their Redeemer; yea, and how blessed are they, for they shall sing to his praise
forever" (Mosiah 18:30).

Those two private places will forever have a place in my heart because it was there that I came to the knowledge of my Redeemer, and I felt for the first time the desire
to sing his praise. My perspective of reality began to change from that of the world's view of reality to that of God's reality. I learned by the Spirit to see things as I had
never seen or understood them before. I began to learn how to receive personal revelation and to understand to a greater degree how the Lord communicates with me
through his Spirit. That understanding has been the key to my spiritual growth since that time. I ceased to see the plan of salvation as circles on a chalkboard, and it
began to vividly define the world by which I was surrounded. I learned the significance of Jacob's statement that "the Spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not. Wherefore,
it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be" (Jacob 4:13).

During this time of spiritual growth, I still recognized my attraction to other men but was unwilling to acknowledge it for fear of what it might mean-and I believed those
attractions would be extinguished by my growing conversion to the gospel and love for God. After all, these attractions were "against nature" (Romans 1:26) and an
"abomination" to God [need citation to the old For the Strength of Youth pamphlet here [need year], and one couldn't fully have the Spirit and still experience such
feelings-or so I thought. Things didn't change, but I still had my whole mission ahead of me, so I continued with the expectation that these "unnatural" feelings would go
away if I was patient and continued to serve God full-time during the next two years.

I did serve an honorable mission, and as I strove to give my whole "heart, might, mind, and strength" (D&C 4:2) to the Lord's work, I grew immeasurably. The
conversion to the gospel I felt during my freshman year of college intensified and increased. But even as my gospel understanding deepened, my feelings of same-
gender attraction never diminished. I felt spiritual strength and focus while serving the Lord that decreased any inclination I had to act on those feelings, but the
attractions themselves remained. I understood very well the feelings of the men I met on my mission who had moved to the East Coast from Salt Lake City. I could
empathize with them; I ached for them. But because of my testimony and deep love for God and for truth, compromising a life in the Church I dearly loved and believed
was His did not seem an option to me.

Upon returning home, I continued my university studies, and having been taught that marriage was naturally the next step in life, I engaged myself in the quest of finding
an eternal companion. Although I was in no hurry to get married, I felt I had truly given my all to the Lord during the previous two years and experienced a genuine
sense of fulfillment. The problem was that I couldn't seem to find it within me to feel any romantic attraction to women. I often dated different young women, all of
whom were beautiful and the kind of truly incredible people I felt would be great companions, but as time went on, I could feel nothing more for them than deep
friendship and admiration for their goodness. The thought of being physically intimate with any one of them seemed almost unbearable. Still hoping, though, that my
attraction to other men was a passing phase, I tried to be patient and I dated diligently, hoping the "right one" would come along.

Shortly after returning from my mission, I began working as a teacher at the Missionary Training Center. With the gratitude I felt for all the Lord had taught me on my
mission, I wanted to give something back by striving to kindle in the hearts of missionaries the kind of fire that had earlier been kindled in mine. I worked there for about
three years, and my understanding of the gospel and my sensitivity to the Spirit both reached an all-time high.

But at one point during that period of employment, I was confronted for the first time with the reality that I had been wrong in assuming that living the gospel was a
guaranteed formula for ridding me of my feelings of same-gender attraction. No matter what level of personal righteousness I attained or how close I felt to God, the
feelings weren't going away. To the contrary, they were increasing. It was a paradox! Was it truly possible to have an increased love for God and a deeper
understanding of his gospel and simultaneously have a greater desire for something that I had always been taught was an abomination? I wasn't sure if I should feel a
greater sense of self-worth or greater self-condemnation. It was as if I were experiencing joy in Christ and a taste of hell at the same time, and it didn't make any sense.

I felt real discouragement concerning this issue for the first time and decided I needed to disclose my forbidden feelings. The only person I could think of to turn to was
my   bishop, (c)
 Copyright    but 2005-2009,
                  revealing something
                              InfobasesoMedia
                                          "dark"Corp.
                                                 about myself was a step I thought I could never take. I was scared. The topic was something I had never   heard15
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without derogation or discomfort. But finally I swallowed my inhibitions and took the largest step of faith I had ever taken. As I discussed my feelings with him, I felt a
huge burden lifted. I was finally able to admit vocally something I had always silently tried to deny, even to myself. My bishop and I discussed some things he personally
felt would help me, and I began a journey-or rather, a battle-that has been frightening, strengthening, and enlightening.
greater sense of self-worth or greater self-condemnation. It was as if I were experiencing joy in Christ and a taste of hell at the same time, and it didn't make any sense.

I felt real discouragement concerning this issue for the first time and decided I needed to disclose my forbidden feelings. The only person I could think of to turn to was
my bishop, but revealing something so "dark" about myself was a step I thought I could never take. I was scared. The topic was something I had never heard discussed
without derogation or discomfort. But finally I swallowed my inhibitions and took the largest step of faith I had ever taken. As I discussed my feelings with him, I felt a
huge burden lifted. I was finally able to admit vocally something I had always silently tried to deny, even to myself. My bishop and I discussed some things he personally
felt would help me, and I began a journey-or rather, a battle-that has been frightening, strengthening, and enlightening.

Through the tears and trauma and scorching of the refiner's fire, I've slowly come to understand that-like any other trial, challenge, or experience in life-there is always
good that can be learned and strength that can be gained, even in the furnace of affliction. In the years since that time I've done a lot of learning and growing both
spiritually and emotionally. What I believed and understood concerning the Church and the gospel of Jesus Christ was in conflict with the attraction I experienced, and
my experience with same-gender attraction was different from what I had been taught about homosexuality. I've had to ask myself some deep, soul-searching
questions. In this process of reconciliation, my perspective on life, the Church, the gospel, myself, and homosexuality in general have changed dramatically in many
respects. Through discussion with others who also experience this attraction, reading much of what I could find on the subject, spending time in fasting and prayer so
that I might be tutored by the Lord, and studying the scriptures and words of those I believe are prophets of God, I have finally largely reconciled my belief system with
my attraction to other men and have discovered much of the peace and purpose I have been seeking for so long.

Though it was scary, I'm so grateful for that time when I was forced to confront my feelings. I'm grateful for all I've learned about the Atonement, faith, and love
because of this challenge and then being honest about it with myself. I sincerely believe there is an enabling power through the Atonement that has comforted me and
given me strength. I pray that it will continue to support me though this trial. I long to stay faithful to Christ and to His Church, and as I do remain true, I feel that rather
than "suppressing" my "true" self, I will be "submitting" to a higher self-the self that is eternal and the literal offspring of a divine Father in Heaven. As C. S. Lewis wrote:
"Our real selves are all waiting for us in Him. The more I resist Him and try to live on my own, the more I become dominated by my own heredity and upbringing and
natural desires . . . It is when I turn to Christ, when I give myself up to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own" (C.S. Lewis, Mere
Christianity, 189).

A religion teacher once said that his desire for our class was for us to immerse themselves in the Spirit so that we would be better prepared to go out and deal with the
"real world." After he spoke these words, he stopped, pondered, and recalled his words, saying, "No, I want your experience here to be an opportunity to immerse
yourselves in the real world so you will be better able to go out and function in the fallen, artificial one." Those words rang true and profound. The light of Christ within
me has helped me to recognize a greater reality-or the real world-in "the great plan of the Eternal God" (Alma 34:9). And, like the men I met while serving as a full-time
missionary, I've finally come to "face reality"-though it is a different reality from the one they faced, for the reality I have faced is God's reality, as I have come to
understand it.

"Be Ready Always to Give Reason of the Hope That Is in You"

I thought my faith was strong before I started trying honestly to sort out my feelings, but my experience revealed to me significant chinks in my spiritual armor. There
was a time in my journey of reconciliation between my experience with same-gender attraction and my belief system when I hit a wall in my faith and wasn't sure what I
really wanted. One of the most difficult things for me during that time was that I firmly believed the gospel of Christ as it is taught in the Church was true-I felt it in the
deepest parts of my being-but I also wanted so badly the type of loving romantic relationship that felt natural and good and that I had always been taught was such a
significant source of happiness and joy.

Eventually I lost hope that I could ever have that in the way I had always dreamed and expected, particularly after my mission, when dating began to take on more than
mere social purposes, and I couldn't sense any genuine feelings of romantic love for women. In this temporal world that often speaks to the immediate physical and
emotional desires, there has been a very real war going on between the natural man and the spiritual man deep within me. The two are completely at odds, and yet both
have at times felt so very natural and real. The natural man would wonder-and my natural side has-why I should not simply "face reality" and satisfy the natural feelings
and emotions that hunger within me, the ones that feel most instinctive to me. The path has been marked with highs and lows-the inner war between Jekyll and Hyde
often feeling like the perfect analogy-but even when I felt distant from the Lord as the result of a loss of faith and resulting choices, I had never felt stronger at any point
in my life that the Lord loved me, was with me, and would not forsake me.

The love I felt from Him carried me through a lot of dark periods, times when I wondered if everything I had ever been taught, believed, and hoped was true was even
a possibility. There were times when I no longer wanted those things to be true so the incongruities in my heart and mind would be less agonizing. For a while, the only
thing that kept me from fully going forward with my attraction to other men and seeking a long-term homosexual relationship was not that I believed I couldn't find some
level of genuine fulfillment or temporal happiness in such a relationship if it were loving and committed. Rather, it was the simple truth that I knew my having a romantic
relationship with a man could never be eternal, and I didn't want to give my whole heart and soul and life to a relationship that could not last beyond this mortal
existence. One thing I've always held a firm conviction of-even in my moments of doubt and wavering faith-is the eternal nature of the family.

The prophet Jeremiah said something that epitomizes the way I have often felt. During a time of discouragement when Jeremiah wanted to abandon his faith and
discipleship, he said, "I will not make mention of him, nor speak any more in his name. But his word was in mine heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I was
weary with forbearing, and I could not stay" (Jeremiah 20:9). I feel the word of God is in my heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones, and even though I sometimes
long to submit to the passions of the flesh and pursue a life based on my attraction, I weary when I try to withhold my life from Him and I cannot "stay." He and the
fulness of His gospel, which He restored through the Prophet Joseph Smith, mean too much to me.

After a period of real depression and hopelessness, I had to ask myself some deeper questions about God and worship and discipleship and the plan of salvation, and I
had to seek the mind and will of God on the matter. Elder B. H. Roberts described a true disciple as one who is not "content with merely repeating some of [the] truths
[of the Church], but [who] will develop its truths . . . [and who] take[s] profounder and broader views of the great doctrines committed to the Church; and . . . will cast
them in new formulas; co-operating in the works of the Spirit, until they help to give to the truths received a more forceful expression, and carry it [i.e., the Church]
beyond the earlier and cruder stages of its development." (B. H. Roberts, "Book of Mormon Translation," Improvement Era, July 1906, 9.) [Z: Need to check out the
bracketed interpolations]

As I sought further inspiration from the Lord, I began to understand more deeply and profoundly the power of hope. I had always had hope, I thought, but I'm
beginning to realize more fully the power and importance of the sacred doctrine of hope. I had to rediscover its meaning and the significance of its relation to the atoning
sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Sharing the truths of the gospel has given me new hope. I believe that even with an experience of same-gender attraction-which for some
seems so inconsistent [Ty: but isn't it inconsistent? At least from an LDS perspective?] with what we have been taught through the Lord's prophets concerning the
importance of marriage and family-individuals can find real peace. Despite the challenge of same-gender attraction, they can reconcile their challenge with a life
completely faithful to Christ and to His Church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Years ago I read two statements-one by President Joseph F. Smith and the other by Elder John A. Widtsoe-that had a profound effect upon the way I approached the
gospel and my study of it. President Smith said: "The greatest achievement mankind can make in this world is to familiarize themselves with divine truth, so thoroughly,
 Copyright
so perfectly,(c) 2005-2009,
              that the exampleInfobase Media
                                or conduct of noCorp.                                                                                                   Pagemy16 / 71
                                                 creature living in the world can ever turn them away from the knowledge that they have obtained. . . . From
boyhood I have desired to learn the principles of the gospel in such a way and to such an extent that it would matter not to me who might fall from the truth, who might
make a mistake, who might fail to continue to follow the example of the Master, my foundation would be sure." (Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 3-4.)
completely faithful to Christ and to His Church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Years ago I read two statements-one by President Joseph F. Smith and the other by Elder John A. Widtsoe-that had a profound effect upon the way I approached the
gospel and my study of it. President Smith said: "The greatest achievement mankind can make in this world is to familiarize themselves with divine truth, so thoroughly,
so perfectly, that the example or conduct of no creature living in the world can ever turn them away from the knowledge that they have obtained. . . . From my
boyhood I have desired to learn the principles of the gospel in such a way and to such an extent that it would matter not to me who might fall from the truth, who might
make a mistake, who might fail to continue to follow the example of the Master, my foundation would be sure." (Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 3-4.)

Elder Widtsoe expounded upon the same idea, declaring: "An effort must be put forth to learn the gospel, to understand it, to comprehend the relationship of its
principles. The gospel must be studied; otherwise no test of its truth may sanely be applied to it . . . It is a paradox that men will gladly devote time every day for many
years to learn a science or an art; yet will expect to win a knowledge of the gospel, which comprehends all sciences and arts, through perfunctory glances at books or
occasional listening to sermons. The gospel should be studied more intensively than any school or college subject. They who pass opinion on the gospel without having
given it intimate and careful study are not lovers of truth, and their opinions are worthless." (John A. Widtsoe, Evidences and Reconciliations, 16.)

With as much as there is to learn about scriptures and doctrine, the history of Christ's Church in the latter days, and the delicate revelatory workings of the Spirit, I am
by no means an expert on any one of those things. There have been times in my life when all I could say was, "I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not
know the meaning of all things" (Nephi 15:11-17). But these words of President Smith and Elder Widtsoe affected me, and they have guided my search for truth since I
first read them. I have tried to learn and understand the gospel of my God on both a spiritual and an intellectual level so that I might be able to heed the counsel of the
ancient apostle Peter when he said, "Sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope
that is in you with meekness and fear" (Peter 3:15).

Even though the challenge of this experience has often felt unbearable, I do now feel hope-the kind of hope that comes with eternal perspective and faith in God. And I
now feel peace, a kind of peace I have felt only through the Spirit of the Lord when I have diligently strived to follow His word given through ancient and modern
prophets. Someone once said that many Latter-day Saints seem to know the gospel just well enough to feel guilt for their sins and imperfections but not well enough to
feel the peace, joy, and hope that faith in the redemption of Christ can bring-to hear the voice of the Lord and to feel His grace and love and mercy. I have tried to
learn and live the gospel well enough to feel that peace the faith in the redemption of Christ can bring.

As I have read and studied regarding homosexuality, I've wearied of the varying and conflicting perspectives concerning possibilities and impossibilities and the shoulds
and shouldn'ts of "change." I've wearied of the biology, psychology, and sociology of both the "cause" and the "cure" for the "problem of homosexuality." Reading these
conflicting philosophies didn't help me. The eternal part of me tired of science and of the philosophies of men with their limited capacity and understanding.

Although science-biological, psychological, and sociological-can help us to understand more about the nature of this challenge and may be a means through which God
brings us greater light and knowledge, I think the following words by Hugh Nibley are quite profound: "The words of the prophets cannot be held to the tentative and
defective tests that men have devised for them. Science, philosophy, and common sense all have a right to their day in court. But the last word does not lie with them.
Every time men in their wisdom have come forth with the last word, other words have promptly followed. The last word is a testimony of the gospel that comes only by
direct revelation. Our Father in heaven speaks it, and if it were in perfect agreement with the science of today, it would surely be out of line with the science of
tomorrow. Let us not, therefore, seek to hold God to the learned opinions of the moment when he speaks the language of eternity." (Hugh Nibley, The World and the
Prophets, 3d ed. [Salt Lake City and Provo: Deseret Book and FARMS, 1987], 134.)

Often, when feeling overwhelmed by this attraction and challenge, the only place I have been able to find peace and solace is in the scriptures as I have strived to
immerse myself in the Spirit-in the arms of the Comforter. I longed to hear the language of eternity. I needed peace and comfort in dealing with a challenge I did not
choose. It is when the Spirit has spoken to and nourished my eternal self-my covenant self-that I have received strength. Then the desire to remain faithful to God and
to seek the power of my personal Redeemer has been renewed.

My study of the gospel and my understanding of it have given me the sense of peace and perspective I now have. I believe that understanding the doctrines of the
gospel in their beauty, purity, and poignancy inspires discipleship. As President Boyd K. Packer has said: "True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior.
The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior . . . That is why we stress so forcefully the study
of the doctrines of the gospel." (Boyd K. Packer, "Little Children," Ensign, November 1986.)

Daniel Cappon prefaced his 1965 book, Towards an Understanding of Homosexuality, with this cautionary note: "When an observer has for his subject, the human
being, with his unmeasurable and transcendental aspects, it is essential that he state his prejudices clearly. Too often we read articles and books which . . . are no other
than opinions, and in which this essential preliminary statement of bias is omitted." (Daniel Cappon, Towards an Understanding of Homosexuality [1965], vii.) When
writing on a topic as sensitive, controversial, and sometimes sensational and political as this one, it may be important to first define what the following chapters are and
what they are not. For I too must not omit my bias. [Suzanne: I don't want this deleted. It is important to me that this paragraph remain in-I do feel strongly about this
one, and I'm curious to know what your reasoning was for deleting it.)] [Ty: I have proposed omitting the Cappon quotation because the English composition teacher
part of me sees it not only as not advancing your argument but detracting from it-esp. for an LDS audience-and it overshadows the quotation from President Packer,
which is a perfect lead-in to your explicit statement of your beliefs. In effect, it pulls the punch of your stating explicitly what has already been made both explicit and
implicit in the nearly two chapters you have written thus far; that's why I feel strongly that this quotation detracts from your point rather than helping to make it. Such a
quotation might have a place in an academic essay, but this book is not an academic essay but (essentially) a personal essay by you and about you, your insights, your
experiences, your thoughts, your testimony. Nevertheless, if you feel this quotation must be included, then I recommend that you use the concluding sentence of this
para as an intro to the para, preceding the sentence beginning "Daniel Cappon . . . ," and then write some other transition from the Cappon passage into your statement
about your point of view.-Suzanne]I write from the perspective of a committed Latter-day Saint who subscribes fully to the doctrines of The Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints-one who sustains the leaders of the Church as prophets, seers, and revelators; who believes in the divinity and historicity of the Book of Mormon, the
Bible, and other Latter-day Saint scripture; who believes in the reality of the restoration of the fulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ and in the special destiny of Christ's
Church; and, ultimately, who believes in both the redeeming and the enabling power of the atoning sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Not everyone considers homosexual attraction to be only a mortal challenge or temptation that can be overcome or faithfully endured through mortality, and not
everyone considers homosexual behavior to be contrary to the Father's eternal purposes for His children. These chapters are not an attempt to defend the Church's
position on homosexual behavior; they are an attempt to help those who believe in the doctrines and teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ-or who at least "desire to
believe" (Alma 32:27)-and who are trying to understand how the unsolicited challenge or experience of same-gender attraction could possibly fit into the context of a
plan of salvation that is so focused on marriage and family. They are an attempt to provide the peace that comes with perspective and vision. They are a call to embrace
the hope provided within the outstretched arms of the Lord's undying love and mercy. Indeed, they are a call to worship our Father and our God.

These chapters are written to those who long to stay faithful to Christ and to His Church and who want to find safety and peace within the walls of the kingdom but
who either find it difficult to reconcile their attraction with their beliefs or struggle to stay faithful within a community that doesn't understand their battle and therefore
often exhibits some prejudice. Last of all, these chapters are also for the families, friends, and leaders of those who struggle, and who want to understand so they can
better reach out and provide greater love and support and hope for their loved ones during their time of trial.
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I do not approach the subject of same-gender attraction through the eyes of scientific research, cognitive therapy, or mere observation of family or friends who
experience it. I approach it as one who has lived with it for as long as he can remember. I approach it as one who has felt the feelings of being torn between an ideal
belief system and the reality of experiencing longings that make the thought of conforming to that belief system almost unbearable at times. I approach it as one who has
These chapters are written to those who long to stay faithful to Christ and to His Church and who want to find safety and peace within the walls of the kingdom but
who either find it difficult to reconcile their attraction with their beliefs or struggle to stay faithful within a community that doesn't understand their battle and therefore
often exhibits some prejudice. Last of all, these chapters are also for the families, friends, and leaders of those who struggle, and who want to understand so they can
better reach out and provide greater love and support and hope for their loved ones during their time of trial.

I do not approach the subject of same-gender attraction through the eyes of scientific research, cognitive therapy, or mere observation of family or friends who
experience it. I approach it as one who has lived with it for as long as he can remember. I approach it as one who has felt the feelings of being torn between an ideal
belief system and the reality of experiencing longings that make the thought of conforming to that belief system almost unbearable at times. I approach it as one who has
felt the agonizing pain of wondering if he is an abomination to God simply because of an attraction that most certainly was not chosen. I approach it as one who has
spent hours on his knees and in tears pleading for the Lord to take away this challenge so he could be "normal" and live the life faithful to Christ and His Church that
was his ultimate desire. I approach it as one who has felt the pangs of the derogatory and hateful rhetoric echoing through the winds of society. I approach it as one
who understands the feelings of confusion that come when hearing sermons about the "natural" longing God has bestowed upon His sons and daughters to draw them
together and wondering why these "natural" feelings felt so "unnatural" to him.

Factors involved in the development of same-gender attraction, whether biological, psychological, familial, or cultural, will be only minimally addressed in the following
chapters, though continuing research in that area serves a purpose and may be of help to some individuals. My primary concern is not how I ended up with same-
gender attraction but rather what I'm going to do about that attraction when it comes to my faith and commitment to Christ, as taught in His Church.

These chapters are an attempt to look at the challenge of same-gender attraction through more eternal eyes. The understanding of the doctrines I have gained by the
power of the Spirit has given me peace and provided purpose to the pain I have at times felt. It is difficult to convey in words the things I've been taught by the Lord,
but I have tried within these pages to do so. My feelings may be like those of Oliver Cowdery, who wrote, "I know much may be conveyed to the understanding in
writing, and many marvelous truths set forth with the pen, but after all it is but a shadow, compared to an open vision of seeing, hearing and realizing eternal
things." (Oliver Cowdery Letter. Messenger and Advocate, vol. 1 (October 1834-September 1835), Vol. 1 April, 1835 No. 7 112.)

In truth, these chapters are much more about the gospel through the eyes of one individual who experiences same-gender attraction than they are about same-gender
attraction itself. To be certain, these chapters are about "change," and they are about "overcoming" but not in the same way usually referred to in discussion on
homosexuality. I don't mean by "change" or "overcoming" that same-gender attraction must or will completely be eradicated in this life for everyone. These chapters are
about a "change" of heart and of "overcom[ing] the world" through faith in Jesus Christ. I believe that with His love and guiding Spirit, and through His atoning sacrifice,
we can live faithfully through whatever tragedies, trials, challenges, temptations, or tendencies may be part of our mortal experience. We live in fallen, mortal bodies in a
fallen society in a fallen world and should expect a host of tragedies, trials, challenges, attractions, tendencies, temptations, weaknesses, sicknesses, hardships, and
other problems to plague us until the world is fully redeemed through the Only Begotten Son of God.

A friend asked me why I, with my past struggle and doubting, felt qualified to write on this subject from this perspective. It was a question I reflected upon for days
afterward. I acknowledge that within the vast array of gospel knowledge-and considering the wide range of different individuals' experience of same-gender attraction-
my own understanding is minimal. What could I, in my limited knowledge and experience, possibly share that would be of benefit to others who share this challenge?
What qualifications do I have to give insight to those seeking to learn more and understand this issue with greater perspective? The more questions I asked, the more
clearly I realized the simple answer: I'm not qualified! I'm not a Church leader or a doctrinal or scriptural scholar. I'm not a psychologist, psychiatrist, psychotherapist,
sociologist, or biologist. I understand only a fraction of the debate concerning potential mixture of biological, social, and psychological factors influencing an individual's
experience with same-gender attraction.

But what I do have to offer is a growing love for the Lord and an increasing understanding of the importance of His infinite Atonement, a desire to build His Kingdom,
and a will to share some of the insights I've gained through study of the scriptures and of the words of the living prophets, through fasting and prayer, and through the
Lord's Spirit as He has schooled me through various life experiences. And though I'm no expert on homosexuality, I have researched the subject extensively, and I offer
some of the insights I've gained through study and discussions with others on the issue of same-gender attraction and, ultimately, my own personal experience with it.
And I write in the hope that the Lord will qualify me by guiding my words with His Spirit and by confirming the truth of these principles by the Spirit to the reader.

As has already been evidenced, I have used primarily the term "same-gender attraction"-rather than "gay" or "homosexual" or even "same-sex attraction." To be honest,
when I first heard the term "same-gender attraction," I didn't like it. It sounded empty, sterile, and clinical, void of the depth of the feelings and emotions that
accompany it for many individuals. But the more I've studied and pondered the subject-and my own experience with it specifically-the more comfortable I have felt with
the term and the more appropriate it seems in conjunction with the approach toward homosexuality taken in this book. This phrase gets to the root of what
homosexuality really is, and it is used with the hope of eliminating many of the stereotypes and as much of the baggage associated with the other terms as possible. The
purpose is to get sex out of it, because for many it isn't simply about sex; it's about attraction. Granted, for many it does become sexual, but for most, sexual activity is
not the solely root of this attraction any more than it is solely the root of heterosexual attraction. For many, there are emotional, psychological, social, and even spiritual
components as well. And it is necessary to get the stereotypes out of the way, because to generically say someone is "gay," "homosexual," or "experiences same-gender
attraction" is not accurate. It isn't that black and white. There is a spectrum. The degree to which someone experiences same-gender attraction, the factors that
influenced it, and the direction that individual chooses to go with it are different for each person. In addition, to refer to a gay or homosexual "lifestyle"-as if there were
only one-is also inaccurate. There is a spectrum there as well, ranging from committed, monogamous relationships to promiscuity and complete lack of commitment.

Finally, most of the ideas expressed in the following chapters are not new. They are principles that have been taught by prophets of the Lord for millennia and have
been taught and expounded upon again in this last dispensation by modern, living prophets and gospel scholars. Usually, however, they have not been taught in the
specific context of same-gender attraction. But since my experience with same-gender attraction has framed the lenses through which I view the world and the gospel,
those are the lenses through which I will present those doctrines and principles here, even though they are universal and could apply to anyone.

The thoughts that follow reflect an idea expressed by Elder Bruce R. McConkie in his final conference address: "In speaking of these wondrous things, I shall use my
own words, though you may think they are the words of scripture, words spoken by other Apostles and prophets. True it is they were first proclaimed by others, but
they are now mine, for the Holy Spirit of God has borne witness to me that they are true, and it is now as though the Lord had revealed them to me in the first instance.
I have thereby heard his voice and know his word (D&C 18:33-36)." (Bruce R. McConkie, "The Purifying Power of Gethsemane," Ensign, May 1985.) Contained in
this book are the principles and doctrines that the Lord through His mercy has helped me to understand and that have given me perspective and peace and the desire to
live faithful to Him. Though they are often the words of others, they are now mine, for the "Holy Spirit of God has borne witness to me that they are true."

A God of Miracles

For years I pleaded in tears with the Lord that he would take away the feelings of same-gender attraction so I could have a family, serve in the Church, and live for Him
the way I always desired to do. But nothing changed, and I wondered why He wouldn't grant what I felt was the most righteous of desires. I believed it would require a
miracle, but I believed the Lord's word to Nephi when He declared, "Behold, I am God; and I am a God of miracles" (2 Nephi 27:23), and I believed Moroni when he
questioningly pleaded, "Has the day of miracles ceased? . . . for it is by faith that miracles are wrought . . . wherefore, if these things have ceased wo be unto the
children of men, for it is because of unbelief" (Moroni 7:35, 37). I believed in Him, and I wanted to have the faith that if Jesus could give the blind eyes to see and the
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deaf ears to (c) 2005-2009,
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                   that if He could give Media   Corp. legs to walk upon, and raise the dead to life, that if He could miraculously deliver Israel from Egypt
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Red Sea, then surely He could and would also grant me my own miracle. Surely He-if the attractions I felt were an "abomination" and a "crime against nature"-would
conquer my "enemies" as He did the Egyptians.
the way I always desired to do. But nothing changed, and I wondered why He wouldn't grant what I felt was the most righteous of desires. I believed it would require a
miracle, but I believed the Lord's word to Nephi when He declared, "Behold, I am God; and I am a God of miracles" (2 Nephi 27:23), and I believed Moroni when he
questioningly pleaded, "Has the day of miracles ceased? . . . for it is by faith that miracles are wrought . . . wherefore, if these things have ceased wo be unto the
children of men, for it is because of unbelief" (Moroni 7:35, 37). I believed in Him, and I wanted to have the faith that if Jesus could give the blind eyes to see and the
deaf ears to hear, that if He could give to the cripple legs to walk upon, and raise the dead to life, that if He could miraculously deliver Israel from Egypt by parting the
Red Sea, then surely He could and would also grant me my own miracle. Surely He-if the attractions I felt were an "abomination" and a "crime against nature"-would
conquer my "enemies" as He did the Egyptians.

My perspective changed when years ago I heard Elder Dallin H. Oaks teach: "The greatest miracle is not in such things as restoring sight to the blind, healing an illness,
or even raising the dead, since all of these restorations will happen, in any event, in the Resurrection. Changing bodies or protecting temples are miracles, but an even
greater miracle is a mighty change of heart by a son or daughter of God (see Mosiah 5:2). A change of heart, including new attitudes, priorities, and desires, is greater
and more important than any miracle involving the body. I repeat, the body will be resurrected in any event, but a change affecting what the scripture calls the 'heart' of
a spirit son or daughter of God is a change whose effect is eternal. If of the right kind, this change opens the door to the process of repentance that cleanses us to dwell
in the presence of God. It introduces the perspective and priorities that lead us to make the choices that qualify us for eternal life, 'the greatest of all the gifts of
God' (D&C 14:7)." (Dallin H. Oaks, "Miracles," Ensign, June 2001, 6.)

When I heard these words I realized I had been praying for the wrong miracle. The miracles that Jesus performed were merely types of the greater miracles he desired
to perform in the hearts of the children of God-and more importantly, in my heart-giving the spiritually blind eyes to see, the spiritually deaf ears to hear, the spiritually
crippled legs to walk upon in faith, and the spiritually dead rebirth and spiritual life in Christ. Although I had never acted on my feelings of same-gender attraction and
tried diligently to follow the teachings of the Church, I was still blind to some aspects of the gospel, and the Lord had yet to teach me some profound lessons that would
help me to have "a new heart and a new spirit" (Ezekiel 18:31).

One of my biggest concerns when I first started confronting my feelings was in regard to the nature of our spirits and what we take with us when we die. Amulek taught
the poor among the Zoromites: "That same spirit which possesses your bodies at the time that ye go out of this life, that same spirit will have power to possess your
body in that eternal world" (Alma 34:34). Without studying these words in their full context to understand what Amulek was really saying, I feared that if I wasn't
"cured" or didn't overcome my attraction to other men here in this mortal probation, it would be harder to overcome it in the spirit world without a body. I would get
discouraged and depressed when my increasing spiritual growth and attempts to "get over" the feelings didn't change anything.

Then I read the verses in greater context and came to understand to a greater degree their meaning. It seemed to me that those verses are entirely about repentance and
have nothing to do with challenges or trials. Immediately before Amulek speaks of the spirit that will possess our body in the hereafter, he exhorts us to "not
procrastinate the day of [our] repentance until the end." He then tells us what will happen if we do procrastinate: "Ye cannot say, when ye are brought to that awful
crisis, that I will repent, that I will return to my God. Nay, ye cannot say this; for that same spirit which doth possess your bodies at the time that ye go out of this life,
that same spirit will have power to possess your body in that eternal world" (Alma 34:34).

As I read this verse with new eyes, I understood that it is not actually talking about our own spirit-or our temptations, attractions or tendencies-as I had once thought. If
we think we have to be fully rid of every inclination to do wrong in order to move on to the next life, we are setting a standard that we simply cannot reach. Amulek
shortly thereafter clarifies what "spirit" he is talking about: "For behold, if ye have procrastinated the day of your repentance even until death, behold, ye have become
subjected to the spirit of the devil, and he doth seal you his; therefore, the Spirit of the Lord hath withdrawn from you, and hath no place in you, and the devil hath all
power over you; and this is the final state of the wicked" (Alma 34:35).

If we allow Satan to have power to possess our bodies in this world by avoiding repentance, that same spirit of faith and repentance-or lack thereof-will continue to
have power over us in the next world. But if we have a constant attitude of repentance and thirst for righteousness here, the Spirit of the Lord will have power to
possess our bodies there. Our challenges may not necessarily go with us, but our hearts will-what we have become as a result of our challenges. That is what I
understood Alma to be referring to. Same-gender attraction may or may not always be a part of my mortal experience. If the Lord takes it away, I'll praise Him all the
more. But it is our spirit of repentance-or our hearts and our faith in Christ-that is essential to our receiving salvation.

"The Greatest of All the Gifts"

The deliverance of Israel out of Egypt and through the Red Sea and the signs from God through Moses that preceded it were divine and wondrous. They were miracles
and manifestations of the Almighty in every way, but I soon realized that the greater miracle was not in getting Israel out of Egypt-it was in getting Egypt out of Israel.
The greater miracles occurred in the forty years of wandering when hearts were changed, when the worldliness, doubt, fear, pride, and unbelief were replaced by
hearts turned to God, hearts that learned over time to rely "wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save" (2 Nephi 31:19).

As Israel had been in bondage, so had I too felt for the longest time that I was in bondage to an attraction, an attraction I desperately wanted to be released from. I
don't know exactly what factors in my life influenced the attraction, but regardless of the specific cause, it has come as the result of living in a fallen world. I felt the
Spirit many times testify of the truthfulness of the gospel, and I believed that by following my Deliverer-as Israel followed Moses-I would be soon freed, and I
continued forward, clinging tightly to that hope.

Then there came a point in my journey when I realized the hard reality that I may always experience this attraction in mortality, and when for the first time I wondered if
I was doing the right thing by following the commandments of God as I had been taught them, I questioned again if it was all really true and if I really wanted eternal life
or if the promised land would really be worth the journey through the wilderness. I wondered if I really would or even could marry a woman if I continued to follow the
path I had been taught to follow. I doubted that I could find in that wilderness the kind of romantic love I had always hoped and dreamed and lived for. I hit a wall, and
I wasn't sure if I wanted to go forward anymore. For the first time I met individuals who shared my challenge and who made surrender to the attraction seem more
enticing than traversing the desert, despite the "land flowing with milk and honey" promised at the final destination (Exodus 3:8). For a time I didn't believe I could stay
with the Church. The glimmer of hope I had for a family faded as I continued to date young women, only to be continually confronted again and again with the reminder
that I felt no romantic attraction to them.

I understood in a personal way the feelings I believe Israel must have felt as they faced the wall of water that caused them to fear and doubt their course as they
watched the pursuing Egyptians. As I sometimes have, they forgot the earlier miracles and their earlier illumination. "When Pharaoh drew nigh, the children of Israel
lifted up their eyes, and, behold, the Egyptians marched after them; and they were sore afraid" (Exodus 14:10). Elder Jeffrey R. Holland commented on those verses:
"Some . . . said words to this effect: 'Let's go back. This isn't worth it. We must have been wrong. That probably wasn't the right spirit telling us to leave
Egypt.'" (Jeffrey R. Holland, "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence," Ensign, March 2000. Taken from a devotional address given at Brigham Young University
on 2 March 1999.)

What the Israelites said to Moses was: "Wherefore hast thou dealt thus with us, to carry us forth out of Egypt? . . . It had been better for us to serve the Egyptians, than
that we should die in the wilderness" (Exodus 14:11-12). Though I have always maintained to some degree the hope that I would marry in this life, I have also known
that if I were not to marry and still continue faithful to Christ and His laws of chastity and morality, that would mean living a life of celibacy. And when I could feel no
romantic
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                                                  it has been intensely daunting to think of an existence that in my mind seemed barren of life and romantic   love, the
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seeming essence of joy in our often difficult and lonely mortal sojourn. Even the Lord Himself declared, "It is not good that the man should be alone" (Genesis 2:18).
The more I thought of the potential reality of what faith in God meant, the more I feared, despite my belief in Christ as my Deliverer and in His redeeming and enabling
Atonement. With my back to the water-and the Lord seemingly nowhere in sight-I longed at least for the romantic companionship I thought I could have here and now.
What the Israelites said to Moses was: "Wherefore hast thou dealt thus with us, to carry us forth out of Egypt? . . . It had been better for us to serve the Egyptians, than
that we should die in the wilderness" (Exodus 14:11-12). Though I have always maintained to some degree the hope that I would marry in this life, I have also known
that if I were not to marry and still continue faithful to Christ and His laws of chastity and morality, that would mean living a life of celibacy. And when I could feel no
romantic attraction toward women as I dated, it has been intensely daunting to think of an existence that in my mind seemed barren of life and romantic love, the
seeming essence of joy in our often difficult and lonely mortal sojourn. Even the Lord Himself declared, "It is not good that the man should be alone" (Genesis 2:18).
The more I thought of the potential reality of what faith in God meant, the more I feared, despite my belief in Christ as my Deliverer and in His redeeming and enabling
Atonement. With my back to the water-and the Lord seemingly nowhere in sight-I longed at least for the romantic companionship I thought I could have here and now.

As if in response, though, Elder Holland said: "And I have to say, 'What about that which has already happened? What about the miracles that got you here? What
about the frogs and the lice? What about the rod and the serpent, the river and the blood? What about the hail, the locusts, the fire, the firstborn sons?' How soon we
forget. It would not have been better to stay and serve the Egyptians, and it is not better to remain outside the Church . . . Of course our faith will be tested as we fight
through these self-doubts and second thoughts. Some days we will be miraculously led out of Egypt-seemingly free, seemingly on our way-only to come to yet another
confrontation, like all that water lying before us. At those times we must resist the temptation to panic and give up. At those times fear will be the strongest of the
adversary's weapons against us." (Jeffrey R. Holland, "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence," Ensign, March 2000. Taken from a devotional address delivered
at Brigham Young University on 2 March 1999.)

What happened next has seems to be a type of the way the Lord has worked in my life as well. "And Moses said unto the people, Fear ye not, stand still, and see the
salvation of the Lord . . . The Lord shall fight for you." In confirmation, the great Jehovah said to Moses, "Speak unto the children of Israel, that they go forward."
Despite the seeming impossibilities of a forward journey posed by the barrier of the Red Sea, the waters were parted-and Israel escaped the Egyptians.

And so it has been for me. When my back was against the wall, and my feet were pointing toward Egypt, I have felt the delivering power of my Redeemer-I have "see
[n] the salvation of the Lord" through sacred personal experiences. During the period of my greatest struggle, all I knew to do was continue doing that which I knew
how to do: to study His word and pray for understanding. As I have left my heart open-even in my times of doubt and fear-to the potential of feeling the comfort and
instruction of the Spirit, He, through personal spiritual experiences, has helped me to internalize for the first time in my life certain principles I had always believed or
already "known." As I felt the power and grace of Christ actively working in me, I felt the glimmer of hope and the fire of faith begin again to work brighter and brighter
in my heart. My barriers of doubt and faithlessness were being parted, and I was given the strength and desire to continue forward once again.

Elder Holland's final comment on Israel's Exodus was that "the . . . lesson from . . . the miracle of crossing the Red Sea is that along with the illuminating revelation that
points us toward a righteous purpose or duty, God will also provide the means and power to achieve that purpose. Trust in that eternal truth. If God has told you
something is right, if something is indeed true for you, He will provide the way for you to accomplish it . . . The Lord would [later] tell Joseph [Smith] again and again
that just as in days of old the children of Israel would be 'led out of bondage by power, and with a stretched-out arm . . . Therefore, let not your hearts faint . . . Mine
angels shall go up before you, and also my presence, and in time ye shall possess the goodly land' (D&C 103:17, 19-20)." (Holland, Cast Not Away Your
Confidence; check previous cite.)

I often used to read the Old Testament and wonder with amazement at the stubbornness and unbelief of Israel as they wandered through the wilderness-especially after
they had witnessed the profound signs of the Lord's delivering power and mercy. But I have since come to realize my own stubbornness and unbelief, and I wonder
with amazement at how often I have doubted the power of my Savior.

Even with the miracles God has shown me, and the truths I have learned, I have doubted and in my blindness and unbelief sometimes longed for that which cannot be-
I've longed to return to Egypt (Exodus 16:3). I ache at how often I have "set at naught his counsels, and [would] not that he should be [my] guide" (Helaman 12:6). But
I'm also humbled at how often He has shown me mercy and let me know of His undying love for me. I'm humbled at His patience as I have slowly learned to rely upon
Him. As I look toward that desert, I am grateful for the promise of the Comforter that has taught me that He will be my manna in the wilderness and in Him I "shall find
pasture" (Nephi 22:25). He will be my Bread of Life and my Living Water.

People have often said that unless I was true to my "real" self and found a male companion to share my life with, I could never be truly happy. My response to that is
this: I have. I have found Christ, my God and my King. And it is His blessing and the companionship of His Holy Spirit that mean more to me than anything. It is in Him
that I find joy and happiness, and it is in His name and in the "good news" of His life and atoning sacrifice that I glory. And though I do hope that with His help and
strength, marriage is still a possibility for me in mortality-though it may not be for some-I'm also deeply grateful for the understanding I am gaining of the importance of
making Him and His righteousness the prime focus of my life. I am slowly learning to rely wholly upon Him for the love, support, and strength I will need to make it
through the scorching desert of mortality-married or not-and to the promised land of eternal life, "the greatest of all the gifts of God."

"A New Heart and a New Spirit"

When Alma the Younger was contending with Zeezrom about God's mysteries, he said, "It is given unto many to know the mysteries of God; nevertheless they are laid
under a strict command that they shall not impart only according to the portion of his word which he doth grant unto the children of men, according to the heed and
diligence which they give unto him. And therefore, he that will harden his heart, the same receiveth the lesser portion of the word; and he that will not harden his heart,
to him is given the greater portion of the word, until it is given unto him to know the mysteries of God until he know them in full. And they that will harden their hearts, to
them is given the lesser portion of the word until they know nothing concerning his mysteries; and then they are taken captive by the devil, and led by his will down to
destruction. Now this is what is meant by the chains of hell" (Alma 12:9-12).

The greatest miracle-and our greatest deliverance-comes not in deliverance from our trials, challenges, temptations, or tendencies, but rather in deliverance from our
unbelief, our faithlessness, independence, vanity, and pride. As we give "heed and diligence" to Him, the Lord gives us "a new heart and a new Spirit" that can
understand His mysteries-His mercy, His grace, His love, and His redeeming and enabling power being among the greatest of them.

When Alma and his brethren were captured by Amulon and the other priests of Noah as they fled the City of Nephi, they covenanted with the Lord and pleaded for
freedom from the bondage they were in. Even though they were a willing and faithful people who had first heeded the word of Abinadi and then of Alma, they were still
subject to some spiritual blindness, and there were lessons the Lord wanted to teach them before their physical deliverance. They needed to learn greater patience and
faith and humility.

As "they did pour out their hearts" unto God, He poured out His Spirit in return, consoling them in the midst of the time of their greatest need, saying, "Lift up your
heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage. And I
will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye
may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions" (Mosiah 24:12-13).

With the word of their Master in their heart, "the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they
could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord" (Mosiah 24:15). This cheerful submission and
patience-their
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                                       Media   Corp. they needed to learn before they could truly be free, even in the absence of their captors. The patience,
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willingness to "wait upon the Lord" that came as the result of faith and prayer are something that each of us can hope and pray and live for (Isaiah 40:31).

Another powerful type for eternal deliverance can be found in the circumstances of Israel leading up to the coming of the Messiah. It had long been prophesied that
may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions" (Mosiah 24:12-13).

With the word of their Master in their heart, "the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they
could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord" (Mosiah 24:15). This cheerful submission and
patience-their new heart and spirit-were something they needed to learn before they could truly be free, even in the absence of their captors. The patience, humility, and
willingness to "wait upon the Lord" that came as the result of faith and prayer are something that each of us can hope and pray and live for (Isaiah 40:31).

Another powerful type for eternal deliverance can be found in the circumstances of Israel leading up to the coming of the Messiah. It had long been prophesied that
Christ would come into the world to redeem His covenant people. Since the beginning of Roman rule, the Jews had looked forward to His coming, thinking that Christ
would save them from their physical bondage and set them free. But the long-awaited Christ came in a manner entirely unexpected to most. He came as a child, a
seemingly insignificant babe in a manger, who had no intention of fighting or freeing the Jews from their Roman captivity-at least, not their physical (italics added)
captivity. He knew that it was much more important to free them from spiritual (italics added) captivity.

So instead of trying to destroy those who the Jews viewed as their enemies, which would have done nothing for the eternal salvation of His people, Jesus Christ made it
so anything the enemy did to those who accepted Him would be eternally ineffectual. What is most tragic is that when Jesus did not deliver them the way they hoped or
expected to be delivered, many were blind to that of most eternal importance that He did offer, and they turned their backs and hardened their hearts. Most of us will
die without ever witnessing complete physical deliverance from our enemies, whatever form of trial, challenge, or temptation that may come in. But that is secondary to
the spiritual deliverance of a mighty change of heart, increased faith in Christ, and affections toward righteousness, despite the wickedness and temptation beating upon
us incessantly in this fallen world.

The physical deliverance is promised, but that deliverance may or may not happen when we want or expect it. Even in the bondage of the challenge of same-gender
attraction, I am grateful that the Lord has put into me "a new heart"-that he comforts me and strengthens me as I strive to learn to more fully "submit cheerfully and with
patience." While I was once in bondage to a lack of understanding of God's purposes, I feel I am now in the process of being delivered to the faith and understanding
that God has a purpose in allowing me to experience my particular trials.

I cannot say that I do not have the hope that the physical deliverance-deliverance from the nature of my attractions-will come at some point in mortality, but that may
not be the miracle I receive. My salvation does not depend upon that happening in this second estate. The miracle here may be a continual increase of faith and a
change of heart and affections for the Savior-faith and affections strong enough to see me through further storms, tempests, and temptations. I don't believe I can
righteously expect more than that, though I can hope and pray and live for it. All I can do is open up my heart and my life and be prepared for whatever miracles He
may continue to see fit to perform in me.

The Miracle of God

One miracle I experienced came at a time when I needed it most. I read an account in the scriptures that helped me to regain perspective and hope. It's an event in the
life of Jesus that has come to epitomize the way I feel about my life and relationship with Him. It's the miracle of Peter walking on the water toward Jesus.

The disciples were commanded by the Lord to "go before him unto the other side" while he remained to disperse the multitudes and to pray. By evening the ship was
"in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary." Later, "Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea. And when the disciples saw him walking on
the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.

"But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.

"And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

"And he said, Come.

"And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink,
he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

"And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

"And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased. Then they that were in the ship came and worshipped him, saying, Of a truth thou art the Son of
God" (Matthew 14:22-33).

As Peter walked toward the Savior, he "saw the wind boisterous" and feared and began to sink. Something the Spirit impressed upon me with great power when I read
these verses was that the wind was "boisterous" before the disciples first saw Jesus coming toward them on the sea, but when Peter's eyes were fixed on the Savior, he
didn't notice-he seemed completely unaware-and he walked on water. Not until he took his eyes off the Son of God did Peter notice the storm, fear, and begin to sink.
I too at times have shifted my gaze from the Savior and toward the storms, tempests, and temptations of mortality. As I have allowed myself to do that, I have feared,
and my faith has wavered. As I have focused on divorce statistics, broken homes, and broken covenants in the lives of others who also experience this issue, I have
begun to sink. The storms are blowing today, and Satan is raging. I hear the voice and feel the influence of the adversary beating upon me incessantly.

But one of the most beautiful parts of the story is that as soon as Peter turned his focus back to the Savior, crying, "Lord, save me," Jesus "immediately . . . stretched
forth his hand, and caught him." As surely as He was there for Peter, when I have cried out, "Lord, save me," I have felt Him reach forth His hand, catch me, and lift me
up. When my eyes and focus have returned to my Redeemer, I have resumed walking upon the waters. I have lived a miracle.

Could I really live the rest of my life faithful to Christ if I were never to marry, which means living without a romantic love and companionship and the accompanying
family we naturally yearn for? The only fair and truthful answer is related to Peter and his experience with the Savior: Peter walked on water as long as he was focused
on Christ. I believe I will be able to live faithful to Him only as long as I am doing the things that will help me to keep my focus on Him. To do so will require a miracle.
The Lord has said, "I am a God of miracles" (2 Nephi 27:23), and I must believe him. I have to believe that our Father in Heaven, as a literal Parent, loves me
personally, is interested in my life and progress, and is willing to bestow upon me whatever blessing I need and am open to receive. President Brigham Young said
poignantly, "If you do not believe it, cease to call him Father; and when you pray, pray to some other character." (Brigham Young in Journal of Discourses, 4:216.)

I believe that Jesus can perform miracles just as readily today as when He walked the streets of Jerusalem. I've witnessed and experienced them. Working with
individuals on my mission and with youth in the Church and in the Missionary Training Center, Iseen hearts change as they felt the power of the Spirit of the Lord. I
have friends whose parents and family members once lived not only with misunderstanding but with prejudice and phobia toward those who experience same-gender
attraction. I have witnessed their hearts soften, and they have embraced their children and me in spite of our challenge. To me, such a change of heart and increase in
charity and understanding is a miracle. Even if I do experience same-gender attraction for the rest of my life, I believe I can experience peace with the challenge and live
completely
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People have come to Christ in the past and partaken of the fruit of His love only to turn away for one reason or another toward the "great and spacious" building
(Nephi 8:26). Alma once asked of the backsliding Nephites: "If ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would
individuals on my mission and with youth in the Church and in the Missionary Training Center, Iseen hearts change as they felt the power of the Spirit of the Lord. I
have friends whose parents and family members once lived not only with misunderstanding but with prejudice and phobia toward those who experience same-gender
attraction. I have witnessed their hearts soften, and they have embraced their children and me in spite of our challenge. To me, such a change of heart and increase in
charity and understanding is a miracle. Even if I do experience same-gender attraction for the rest of my life, I believe I can experience peace with the challenge and live
completely faithful to the gospel of Christ. To me, that is likewise a miracle.

People have come to Christ in the past and partaken of the fruit of His love only to turn away for one reason or another toward the "great and spacious" building
(Nephi 8:26). Alma once asked of the backsliding Nephites: "If ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would
ask, can ye feel so now?" (Alma 5:26). Israel had their doubts, and Lot's wife looked back at Gomorrah. Paul exhorted the Hebrews, saying, "Cast not away therefore
your confidence, which hath great recompense of reward. For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the
promise" (Hebrews 10:35).

The greatest miracle is in the change of heart-the ability to turn to Christ without looking back, despite our trials and challenges, not in the absence of them. There is
also the superlative miracle of forgiveness provided by the infinite and redeeming Atonement of the Savior for those who have turned away after partaking of the fruit
and who yearn to return to Him whose "arm is lengthened out all the day long" (Nephi 28:32).

Referring to those who were converted through the preaching of the sons of Mosiah on their mission to the Lamanites, the record of Alma reads, "As many as believed,
or as many as were brought to the knowledge of the truth . . . according to the spirit of revelation and of prophecy, and the power of God working miracles in them-
yea, I say unto you . . . as many of the Lamanites as believed . . . and were converted unto the Lord, never did fall away" (Alma 23:6). Many of the real miracles of
God today that have impressed me most are those I know who experience the challenge of same-gender attraction and yet who quietly choose every day to follow
their Father in Heaven, who daily strive to turn their hearts to the Lord because of their faith in the Christ and in His delivering power.

I feel as though I am living a miracle as I continue forward in my faith. The miracles I pray for now, though, are much different. Now I plead for the miracle of an ever-
continuing change of heart. I pray for the change of heart that will lead me to continue to walk to Him across the waters of mortality. I pray for miracles and then
choose to live for them. As I give up my life-my natural life-so that He might live in and through me, I am a miracle of God. Yes, I do believe He is "a God of
miracles" (Nephi 27:23).

That I May Prove Them

In the premortal councils a loving Father made known a plan that would allow each of His children to have all that He has and become all that He is. If His life-Eternal
Life-truly is the life of joy and goodness that He has revealed it to be, His very nature of selfless love and righteousness requires Him to want the same for us. The Lord
declared to the mortal Moses, "This is my work and my glory-to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" (Moses 1:39). But eternal life is not simply living
forever. God is Eternal, and Eternal Life is God's life-it is the kind of life He lives (see D&C 18:4-12). And if He is married in the heavens, as He has revealed through
modern prophets, then eternal marriage is essential for us-if we want not just to be with Him in the celestial kingdom but also to be like Him in the highest glory or
degree within that kingdom. Marriage is the institution of the highest of all heavenly realms. It is the highest order of the Gods.

These wondrous doctrines restored in the last days through the Prophet Joseph Smith provide a theological foundation for the latter-day Church, now noted for its
emphasis on marriage and family. But those same doctrines are bittersweet to those who believe them-or who at least "desire to believe" them (Alma 32:27)-and are
pained to understand how the unsolicited challenge of same-gender attraction could possibly fit into the theological framework of God's "great plan of happiness"
spoken of in the scriptures (Alma 42:8).

Marriage was always something I looked forward to, but though I knew for the longest time that I was attracted to other men, I also knew that marriage was something
in the fairly distant future that I didn't have to worry about then, so I didn't yet need to confront my feelings. But after returning from my mission and facing the now
pressing need to find an eternal companion, I was forced to recognize that for me, any natural attraction to women was all but absent.

Still, never doubting that marriage was a realistic option for me, I took a religion class on marriage and family that seemed appropriate for learning how to better fulfill
my future role as a husband and father. On many occasions in those classes, the Spirit impressed upon me a feeling for the sanctity of marriage and the importance of
the role of the family in the eternities. The fire and desire within me to have an eternal family intensified. I remember leaving class on a few occasions with great hope
that I would someday have the kind of family that my idealistic eye saw as not being too far from reality. But I was rarely far from the classroom door when I was
confronted with a much more present reality-a different fire, a fire kindled by my attraction to the men I saw, which contrasted harshly with my desire for that ideal
family.

The war within me gradually became more intense, and discouragement plagued me as I continued to suppress my feelings. Once while I was skiing, I saw a man who
was incredibly attractive. I stopped for a second to watch what he was doing, and then my heart ached and the internal conflict raged again. I watched him patiently
and encouragingly wait for his four-year-old son to ski up to him, after which he tutored the eager young disciple. In that moment, the two different fires were
contrasted more sharply than I had ever felt them, and I cried at the increasing loss of hope that I might never have in mortality that which I most wanted. I slowly
continued down the slope, longing for the possibility that I might someday have my own family and my own sons to teach how to ski.

After I finally hit the point of despair that led me to confess my suppressed attractions to my bishop, I went on a trip to Nauvoo, Illinois. While there, I left the group
one night to wander the historic city. I needed time to think and be alone as the newness of my confrontation with my very real challenge continued to consume my
mind. At one point I found myself at the Memorial to Women garden outside the LDS Visitors' Center. I wandered through the garden until I came to a statue of young
parents teaching a child to walk. As my gazed fixed upon this touching scene, an almost audible voice spoke directly to the immortal part of me: "Behold, the plan of
God." I felt I was standing on sacred ground as the power that accompanied those words encompassed me. The Spirit impressed upon me the significance and
importance of the family in the eternities, and the hope and desire to strive for that kind of family was rekindled within me.

While pondering that simple statue in a new, powerful light, I received an additional insight. The Spirit impressed upon me the importance of understanding that as a
literal Father, God is trying to teach me something here in mortality in my spiritually infant state. Just as important-or more so-as striving to achieve an eternal
companionship is understanding that during my experience here in mortality, He is teaching me how to walk by faith, how to follow the example of His Son, and how to
become like Him. I felt that though I would stumble and fall many times in the process, I am His child, and because He is actively involved in my life, He would lovingly
encourage me to get back up and continue striving forward so that I might learn the spiritual lessons necessary for exaltation. I would be chastened, tried, and sent
through a refining fire-He would allow me to suffer whatever challenges were necessary that I might be purified. That night I learned something more about the ultimate
purpose of mortality.

"Thine Only Son Whom Thou Lovest"

As I have continued to ponder the primary purpose of this mortal existence, the life and experiences of Abraham have often come to my mind. After the Father had
presented His plan of salvation in those premortal councils, the foreordained Savior stood before the premortal Abraham and other noble spirit children of God and
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them" (Abraham 3:24-25; italics added). Even though the Eternal Father wants us to be like Him, we first have to go through a period of probation and testing to see if
we will faithfully put Him first in our lives.
"Thine Only Son Whom Thou Lovest"

As I have continued to ponder the primary purpose of this mortal existence, the life and experiences of Abraham have often come to my mind. After the Father had
presented His plan of salvation in those premortal councils, the foreordained Savior stood before the premortal Abraham and other noble spirit children of God and
said, "We will make an earth whereon these may dwell; and we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command
them" (Abraham 3:24-25; italics added). Even though the Eternal Father wants us to be like Him, we first have to go through a period of probation and testing to see if
we will faithfully put Him first in our lives.

During his mortal sojourn, that same Abraham was later known as "father of the faithful" (D&C 138:14) and exemplified one who honestly and earnestly seeks for truth.
"He believed in the Lord; and he counted it to him for righteousness" (Genesis 15:6). But even in his righteousness he had to learn just how heartrending that premortal
declaration by the Lord would be. When the childless Abraham was in his old age, the Lord visited him, covenanted with him, and offered him profound blessings
concerning his seed (Genesis 17:1-9). Mighty blessings concerning his mortal posterity and eternal life and eternal increase were promised, but these blessings were not
unconditional. The Lord had confidence in Abraham, but he would still have to prove himself and keep his part of the covenant to "keep the way of the Lord, to do
justice and judgment; that the Lord may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him" (Genesis 18:19). Before the blessings could be bestowed, God tested
Abraham to see if he would follow that premortal call to obey Him in all things (Abraham 3:24-25).

Years later, Sarah finally conceived in her old age and bore the miraculous birthright child of promise-the fulfillment of the Lord's earlier blessing. In that belated birth,
Abraham knew the Lord's promises were sure and that He was powerful "unto the fulfilling of all his words" (? Nephi 9:6). Several more years later the Lord's purifying
process was driven to the very heart of Abraham. The Great Jehovah commanded him: "Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into
the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering" (Genesis 22:2; italics added).

The story of Abraham taking a willing Isaac to the top of Mount Moriah is a touching and inspiring type of the future offering of the Only Begotten for all mankind, but it
is also more. It was essential that Abraham place that which represented his very heart and soul-his son, whom he loved-on the altar to prove his faith in, commitment
to, and fear of God so his exaltation could be realized (Genesis 22:1-14). Abraham must have been at a loss to know how the Lord would fulfill His promises
concerning his seed if He was commanding him to sacrifice that very seed. Despite the mind-boggling contradictions of the situation, however, Abraham had undoubting
faith; though the experience was heartrending, he had full confidence that somehow God could and would fulfill all His promises.

The apostle Paul later bore witness of Abraham's profound faith: "By faith Abraham, when he was tried, offered up Isaac: and he that had received the promises
offered up his only begotten son, Of whom it was said, That in Isaac shall thy seed be called: accounting that God was able to raise him up, even from the dead; from
whence also he received him in a figure" (Hebrews 11:17-19). With all the seeming incongruities and inconsistencies between the former blessings promised to
Abraham and the current commandment from the Lord, for some reason Abraham had to be tried as he was. It was excruciatingly painful for Abraham, but the Lord
sometimes commands us to give up that which we love most to teach us to love Him even more. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught, "If God had known any other way
whereby he could have touched Abraham's feelings more acutely and more keenly he would have done so." (John Taylor in Journal of Discourses, 24:264.) And
because of the faith Abraham exercised in the Lord, he has "received all things . . . and hath entered into his exaltation and sitteth upon his throne" (D&C 132:29).

"Even As Abraham"

(Many of the ideas, phrases, and sources quoted in this section, "Even As Abraham," and the following sections in this chapter derive from an article entitled "The
Abrahamic Test," by Dr. Larry Dahl of Brigham Young University, and published in A Witness of Jesus Christ: The 1989 Sperry Symposium on the Old Testament,
Richard D. Draper, editor. Hereafter cited as "Dahl.")

The same kind of proving that qualified Abraham for his exaltation is also necessary for every one of God's children. In the early years of this dispensation, five months
after the beleaguered Saints were driven from Jackson County, the Lord declared: "Therefore, they must needs be chastened and tried, even as Abraham, who was
commanded to offer up his only son. For all those who will not endure chastening, but deny me, cannot be sanctified" (D&C 101:4-5).

Joseph Smith, in speaking to the Twelve Apostles in Nauvoo, later said, "You will have all kinds of trials to pass through. And it is quite as necessary for you to be tried
as it was for Abraham and other men of God . . . God will feel after you, and he will take hold of you and wrench your very heart strings, and if you cannot stand it you
will not be fit for an inheritance in the Celestial Kingdom of God." (As reported by President John Taylor in Journal of Discourses, 24:197.) The Prophet Joseph Smith
also taught that before any individual can be exalted, or have his calling and election made sure, he must learn to live "by every word of God" and be "thoroughly
proved" until the Lord "finds that the man is determined to serve Him at all hazards." (Joseph Smith, Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 150.) Professor Larry
Dahl of Brigham Young University commented, "'All hazards' may at times mean there will be no ram in the thicket, no angel to stop the knife, as there were with
Abraham." (Dahl, 62.)

Unlike Job who, though he was severely tried, received back all he had lost while he was still in mortality, the apostle Paul faced the reality that his recompense might
be delayed until immortality. In a verse that I have often looked to for peace and purpose, Paul said, "And lest I should be exalted above measure through the
abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I
besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee" (2 Corinthians 12:7-9). Robert L. Millet, also of Brigham
Young University, once said, "No one really knows what his 'thorn in the flesh' was. . . . I rather think that when Paul states that he 'besought the Lord thrice' for the
removal of the thorn that he is not describing merely three prayers but instead three seasons of prayer, extended periods of wrestling and laboring in the Spirit for a
specific blessing that never came." (Robert L. Millet, "Healing Our Wounded Souls." Professor Millet is a former Dean of Religious Education at BYU, and this address
was delivered at the 2000 Evergreen International Conference Fireside at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building in Salt Lake City. (no date given-probably Sep. 15 or
16, 2000)

Larry Dahl commented: "Not only Paul but many of us may suffer from a thorn in the flesh or a weakness that is painful but purposeful, and which God may see fit not
to remove. . . . Neither prayers nor tears nor blessings nor medicine relieves the condition. All that is left is to endure patiently. Truly, that wrenches the
heartstrings." (Dahl, TITLE, 63.) Like Paul, I, too, have wrestled with the Lord for years that my thorn might be removed from me, but He has not yet seen fit to do so.
And although it doesn't make the challenge easier, it does give meaning and purpose to my trial to know that the Lord is primarily concerned not in the nature of my
attractions or challenges but rather in the nature of my heart and commitment to follow Him.

Like Abraham, who was tried by the Lord in a way that seemed inconsistent with previous promises, Latter-day Saints who belong to a Church that holds marriage
and family among its most central and sacred of all eternal doctrines may wonder at the inconsistency of an attraction that is so contrary to all they have been taught to
value. But to receive the blessings of Abraham, Latter-day Saints who experience same-gender attraction must learn to exercise the faith of Abraham that somehow
God can and will fulfill all His promises at some point in our eternal journey toward Godhood, whether those blessings are realized in this life or not.

With all the seeming incongruities and inconsistencies between the Lord's focus on marriage and the sacredness of sexual expression between eternal partners in
creation, and the romantic or sexual attraction of some of His children toward their same gender, we must have faith that there is a reason we are being tried as we are.
It may be at times painful or lonely, but we-even as Abraham-may be asked by the Lord to give up that which we love and think we want most in order to teach us to
love Him and
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Elder Neal A Maxwell observed: "In time each person will receive a 'customized challenge' to determine his dedication to God." (As cited in Dahl, 62.) For some of the
early Saints in the Church, the practice of plural marriage was a proving ground of faithfulness. Brigham Young, for example, said when first introduced to the idea: "I
With all the seeming incongruities and inconsistencies between the Lord's focus on marriage and the sacredness of sexual expression between eternal partners in
creation, and the romantic or sexual attraction of some of His children toward their same gender, we must have faith that there is a reason we are being tried as we are.
It may be at times painful or lonely, but we-even as Abraham-may be asked by the Lord to give up that which we love and think we want most in order to teach us to
love Him and what He wants for us, even more. Such is the nature of this mortal probationary experience.

Elder Neal A Maxwell observed: "In time each person will receive a 'customized challenge' to determine his dedication to God." (As cited in Dahl, 62.) For some of the
early Saints in the Church, the practice of plural marriage was a proving ground of faithfulness. Brigham Young, for example, said when first introduced to the idea: "I
was not desirous of shrinking from any duty, nor of failing in the least to do as I was commanded, but it was the first time in my life that I had desired the grave, and I
could hardly get over it for a long time. And when I saw a funeral, I felt to envy the corpse its situation, and to regret that I was not in the coffin, knowing the toil and
labor that my body would have to undergo; and I have had to examine myself, from that day to this, and watch my faith, and carefully meditate, lest I should be found
desiring the grave more than I ought to do." (Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, 3:266.)

Since that time the Saints of God have had their varying and individual tests and challenges to prove them in precisely the same fashion. The Lord has specified that the
faithful were to be tried, even unto death (D&C 98:12). To be sure, some needed to be tried even as Abraham in consequence of their righteousness. Some are prone
to believe the false notion that goodness and righteousness exempt them from testing, trial, and tragedy; often it is quite to the contrary.

C. S. Lewis observed: "When a man turns to Christ and seems to be getting on pretty well (in the sense that some of his bad habits are now corrected), he often feels
that it would now be natural if things went fairly smoothly. When troubles come along-illnesses, money troubles, new kinds of temptation-he is disappointed. These
things, he feels, might have been necessary to rouse him and make him repent in his bad old days; but why now? Because God is forcing him on up, to a higher level:
putting him into situations where he will have to be very much braver, or more patient, or more loving, than he ever dreamed of before. It seems to us all unnecessary:
but that is because we have not yet not the slightest notion of the tremendous thing He means to make of us." (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, 174.)

In a revelation to President Brigham Young, the Lord declared: "My people must be tried in all things, that they may be prepared to receive the glory that I have for
them, even the glory of Zion; and he that will not bear chastisement is not worthy of my kingdom" (D&C 136:31). The Lord chastens those whom he loves so that they
might be made pure (D&C 95:1). We learn from the Lord's dealings with Hezekiah that being tried exposes the inner man: "God left him, to try him, that he might know
all that was in his heart" (2 Chronicles 32:31).

A Fallen World

(Many of the ideas, phrases, and sources quoted in this section, "A Fallen World," and the following sections in this chapter derive from an article entitled "God and
Human Tragedy: How the Lord Can Transform Tragedy Into Triumph" by Dr. Robert L. Millet of Brigham Young University delivered at BYU Campus Education
Week on August 18, 2003. Unless otherwise noted, all statements by Dr. Millet were taken from this address and will hereafter be cited as Millet, "God and Human
Tragedy.")

In speaking about Abrahamic tests, Professor Dahl cautioned: "We should remember that not all the difficulties that try the souls of men are specially designed
Abrahamic tests from God. Most, in fact, are the inevitable consequences of living in a mortal, fallen world, where natural law and agency, for the most part, are
allowed full sway. . . . Everyone experiences bumps in the road of life, which expose weaknesses and strengths, giving opportunity for self-understanding, growth, and
refinement. We are not wise enough to sort out all the factors that contribute to our challenges in this life. The critical issue is not the source of the challenges, anyway.
The critical issue is how we respond to them. We can lose our focus and our progress if we constantly examine every bump in the road to determine whose fault it
is." (Dahl, 58; italics added.)

When it comes to tests, trials, challenges, tragedies, and disappointments, it is important that we distinguish between what the Almighty causes to take place and what
an all-powerful and all-loving God allows to take place. President Spencer W. Kimball once observed: "Did the Lord cause the man to suffer a heart attack? Was the
death of the missionary untimely? Answer, if you can. I cannot, for though I know God has a major role in our lives, I do not know how much he causes to happen and
how much he merely permits. . . . Could the Lord have prevented these tragedies? The answer is, Yes. The Lord is omnipotent, with all power to control our lives,
save us pain, prevent all accidents, drive all planes and cars, feed us, protect us, save us from labor, effort, sickness, even from death, if he will. But he will not. . . . The
basic gospel law is . . . agency and eternal development. To force us to be careful or righteous would be to nullify that fundamental law and make growth
impossible." (Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle, 96; italics added.)

I have often wondered if the challenge of same-gender attraction is, for me, simply the fruit of living in this fallen world. Has the Lord simply allowed this trial to remain
with me, knowing the good that could come from it, or has He caused or designed this challenge for me with a specific purpose in mind? In the end, though, the answer
doesn't really matter, as long as I do live so that I learn whatever the Lord would have me learn. Many of the conditions we experience here on earth are simply
consequences of the Fall, and we are frequently brought face to face with the truth that for this temporal time and season not all well-laid plans or cultural expectations
will come to fruition.

President Gordon B. Hinckley has often said, "Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed.
Most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs
are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old-time rail journey-delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful
vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." (Quoting Jenkins Lloyd Jones, Deseret News, 12 June 1973. Taken
from Gordon B. Hinckley, Teachings of Gordon B. Hinckley, 254.)

Professor Millet taught, "It seems to me that there is a mindset characteristic of our day, that opens us to despair. That mindset is one in which we assume, given all the
pleasures and luxuries of our day and age, that all should be well with us, that we should be perpetually happy. Many of us have bought into and imbibed the jargon and
the philosophy of our pop psychology world. The fact is, life can be tough. We are not guaranteed a stress free existence, nor did the Lord promise us a mortal life void
of challenge and difficulty . . . It is especially challenging for persons who view God solely as a dispenser of good gifts and happy times to fathom how and in what
manner he is related, if at all, to earthly trauma. Having been brought up on a constant diet of 'God is love' or 'God is good,' they inevitably equate such goodness with
kindness." (Millet, "God and Human Tragedy.")

C.S. Lewis said, "By the goodness of God we mean nowadays almost exclusively His lovingness; and in this we may be right. And by Love, in this context, most of us
mean kindness-the desire to see others than the self happy; not happy in this way or in that, but just happy. What would really satisfy us would be a God who said of
anything we happened to like doing, 'What does it matter so long as they are contented?' We want, in fact, not so much a Father in Heaven as a grandfather in heaven-
a senile benevolence who, as they say, 'liked to see young people enjoying themselves,' and whose plan for the universe was simply that it might be truly said at the end
of each day, 'a good time was had by all.'" (C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain, 35-36.)

Or, as someone else observed: "Theism does not affirm that God is always 'nice' or pleasant or kindly. God's goodness is absolute purity, as much like the purity of a
blast furnace . . . as it is like the indulgence of a sweet grandmother. God always does the right thing; God always wills what is best; God always thinks without error,
incompleteness,     or prejudice.Infobase
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Can God Be Trusted?, 13.) "When we tear ourselves free from the entanglements of the world," Elder Neal A. Maxwell asked, "are we promised a religion of repose
or an Eden of ease? No! We are promised tears and trials and toil! But we are also promised final triumph, the mere contemplation of which tingles the soul." (Neal A.
Maxwell, "Why Not Now?," Ensign, November 1974.)
of each day, 'a good time was had by all.'" (C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain, 35-36.)

Or, as someone else observed: "Theism does not affirm that God is always 'nice' or pleasant or kindly. God's goodness is absolute purity, as much like the purity of a
blast furnace . . . as it is like the indulgence of a sweet grandmother. God always does the right thing; God always wills what is best; God always thinks without error,
incompleteness, or prejudice. Such a God may not always be likable, nor always comfortable. But such a God may well be worthy of worship." (John G. Stackhouse,
Can God Be Trusted?, 13.) "When we tear ourselves free from the entanglements of the world," Elder Neal A. Maxwell asked, "are we promised a religion of repose
or an Eden of ease? No! We are promised tears and trials and toil! But we are also promised final triumph, the mere contemplation of which tingles the soul." (Neal A.
Maxwell, "Why Not Now?," Ensign, November 1974.)

But just as Abraham knew in our first estate that he would have to enter a mortal probation where his obedience and faithfulness would be proved, we also were very
much aware that challenges and tests would lie ahead, and we were aware to some degree of what life would be like here. But even still, we shouted for joy in that pre-
mortal day, (Job 38:4,7) because we knew that there were lessons and principles to be learned on earth, relationships to be developed, feelings to be felt, and tests to
be passed-things we could neither grasp nor experience in our first estate. (Ty: there was no highlighting, so I couldn't tell which quotations you wanted in. As you
contemplate which quotations to keep and which to leave out, please consider that the reader wants to read primarily what YOU have to say, only occasionally
supported by something said by someone that the reader will instantly agree is an authority.)Every one of us will, at one time or another, face adversity, whether in the
form of personal tragedy, challenges such as same-gender attraction, or simply profound disappointment from any number of causes. We must not yield to
discouragement. Rather, we must put our trust in a perfect Father who has perfect love and perfect vision. "Where is God when it hurts?" Robert Millet asked. "He is in
his heavens. He is aware. He knows. In ways that we cannot even comprehend, he knows. And he blesses and lifts and liberates and lightens the burdens of his
children whenever he can. But he cannot remove us from the toils and tragedies and contradictions of life without robbing us of mortal experience. These things come
with the turf. They are part of the test. So much depends upon how we choose to look upon what most consider to be the unfairness and the senseless nature of
temporal trauma. So much depends upon what we understand about God our Father, about his plan of salvation, and about how vital it is for us to move ahead, even
when our burdens or the burdens of others seem unbearable." (Millet, "God and Human Tragedy.")

One thing that has been deeply impressed upon me in trying to understand the seeming inconsistency between the nature of a challenge such as same-gender attraction
and the central role of the family in the gospel-especially when the attraction feels so innate and much more than physical or sexual-is that there is so much we simply do
not know about influencing factors and to what degree we may have understood in the premortal existence concerning the challenges or tests we individually would
experience here in our second estate. President Boyd K. Packer made an analogy that has helped me to feel much more comfortable about the many things that I don't
understand or that the Lord has chosen not to reveal to his children at this time. President Packer said: "There are three parts to the plan. You are in the second or the
middle part, the one in which you will be tested by temptation, by trials, perhaps by tragedy. Understand that, and you will be better able to make sense of life and to
resist the disease of doubt and despair and depression . . .

"In mortality, we are like one who enters a theater just as the curtain goes up on the second act. We have missed Act I. The production has many plots and sub-plots
that interweave, making it difficult to figure out who relates to whom and what relates to what, who are the heros and who are the villains. It is further complicated
because you are not just a spectator; you are a member of the cast, on stage, in the middle of it all!

"As part of the eternal plan, the memory of our premortal life, Act I, is covered with a veil. Since you enter mortality at the beginning of Act II with no recollection of
Act I, it is little wonder that it is difficult to understand what is going on. That loss of memory gives us a clean start. It is ideal for the test; it secures our individual
agency, and leaves us free to make choices. Many of them must be made on faith alone. Even so, we carry with us some whispered knowledge of our pre-mortal life
and our status as offspring of immortal parents . . .

"If you expect to find only ease and peace and bliss during Act II, you surely will be frustrated. You will understand little of what is going on and why [things are]
permitted to be as they are. Remember this! The line 'And they all lived happily ever after' is never written into the second act. That line belongs in the third act when
the mysteries are solved and everything is put right . . .

"Until you have a broad perspective of the eternal nature of this great drama, you won't make much sense out of the inequities in life. Some are born with so little and
others with so much, some in poverty, with handicaps, with pain, with suffering, premature death even of innocent children. There are the brutal, unforgiving forces of
nature and the brutality of man to man . . . Do not suppose that God willfully causes that, which for His own purposes, he permits. When you know the plan and
purpose of it all, even these things will manifest a loving Father in Heaven." (Boyd K. Packer, "The Play and the Plan," CES Fireside, 7 May 1995, 2-3.)

The wonderful part of the plan of salvation-one in which we who live in the fulness of times and who know of the restored gospel can be especially grateful for-is that
the Lord has not left us alone in trying to figure things out for ourselves. Although we have been given limited insight into the premortal existence through ancient
prophets in the scriptures, it is not sufficient to eliminate all confusion about why things are the way they are. Perhaps it was intended to be that way. In consequence,
our Father in Heaven has called prophets today to lead and guide us as to how we should live and respond to the various challenges, trials, and temptations mortality
presents us with. Those who insist on making life's most crucial and defining decisions based solely on what they can see and understand in this fallen state and in their
immediate environment-and independent of the men whom the Lord has called to sit as "watchmen on the tower"-will surely be frustrated.

The Potential to Purify

James Allen suggested that "circumstance does not make the man; it reveals him to himself" (cited in Kimball, Miracle of Forgiveness, 105). There is a purifying work of
pain, a divine work that can transform the soul of the distressed individual, if he or she approaches the difficulty with the proper attitude. The response of the Nephites
at the end of the series of wars recorded in the book of Alma demonstrated that trials, challenges, and chastening can make us bitter or they can make us better.
Mormon writes, "Because of the exceedingly great length of the war between the Nephites and the Lamanites many had become hardened, because of the exceedingly
great length of the war; and many were softened because of their afflictions, insomuch that they did humble themselves before God, even in the depth of humility" (Alma
62:41).

Our challenges or other tragedies can bring us strength, but they won't necessarily, unless we allow them. Spiritual strength and faith in Jesus Christ is not just something
that happens to us. It is Christ and His Atonement-not the trial itself-that strengthens and purifies us, but He can do so only if we consciously turn to Him. Most of the
Nephites were members of the ancient Church. Both those whose hearts were hardened and those who were humbled through their challenges likely heard the same
sermons and Sunday School lessons and had much of the same knowledge, but their hearts were obviously different. They most likely knew the teachings of the
prophets, but many didn't apply that knowledge.

Agency is an essential gift when it comes to practicing and applying the Lord's word and choosing either our circumstances or our attitude within a set of circumstances
if aspects of our lives fall victim to others' unrighteous use of agency. In describing the attitude of some Holocaust victims, one survivor has written: "We who lived in
concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number,
but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of . . . human freedoms-to choose one's attitude in any given set of
circumstances, [and] to choose one's own way [of life]." (Victor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning (New York: Washington Square Press, 1985), 104.)

One   of the most
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attitudes on both sides to what I have seen in individuals who experience same-gender attraction-is that of Nephi and his brothers in the wilderness. Lehi, a prophet, did
not hesitate when he was commanded to take his family into the wilderness. It did not seem to his family to be an ideal opportunity, but the Lord commanded, and Lehi
trusted that the Lord would take care of them. He simply "was obedient unto the word of the Lord, wherefore he did as the Lord commanded him" (Nephi 2:3).
concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number,
but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of . . . human freedoms-to choose one's attitude in any given set of
circumstances, [and] to choose one's own way [of life]." (Victor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning (New York: Washington Square Press, 1985), 104.)

One of the most poignant scriptural examples in which circumstance revealed character and either purified or caused dissention-and which, to me, demonstrates parallel
attitudes on both sides to what I have seen in individuals who experience same-gender attraction-is that of Nephi and his brothers in the wilderness. Lehi, a prophet, did
not hesitate when he was commanded to take his family into the wilderness. It did not seem to his family to be an ideal opportunity, but the Lord commanded, and Lehi
trusted that the Lord would take care of them. He simply "was obedient unto the word of the Lord, wherefore he did as the Lord commanded him" (Nephi 2:3).
Although it seems from the record that Nephi had not yet received his own spiritual witness at the time of what the Lord was requiring them to do, he believed his father
and followed him. It was later, while in the wilderness, that he received his own confirmation.

Nephi, who had "great desires to know the mysteries of God," cried unto the Lord. He sought diligently a personal witness from the Lord, and the Lord visited him
through the power of the Holy Ghost and softened his heart, so that Nephi "did believe all the words of [his] father" (Nephi 2:16). That personal communion with the
Lord gave him the knowledge, faith, courage, power, and strength to continue on in the wilderness in the way the Lord would have him go. Because of his willingness to
go to the Lord, the Lord purified him through a trial Nephi didn't immediately understand the significance of.

Laman and Lemuel, on the other hand, murmured at being asked to leave all their worldly possessions-"their inheritance, and their gold, and their silver, and their
precious things"-and the life that was most natural and comfortable to them, only to "perish in the wilderness." And the murmuring they did, according to Nephi, was
because they did not understand "the dealings of that God who had created them" (Nephi 2:11-12). When the commandment came for them to go back to Jerusalem,
Laman and Lemuel again murmured; Nephi, on the contrary, declared: "I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no
commandment unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the things which he commandeth them" (Nephi 3:7).

I really believe that dealing in a healthy way with the challenge of same-gender attraction and staying true to the faith can be compared to traveling in the wilderness.
Being led into the wilderness away from that which is natural and comfortable to those who face this challenge is not necessarily an enticing prospect, but if we-
individuals who experience same-gender attraction-keep the commandments of God, He will nourish us and strengthen us and purify us in the process, providing means
whereby we can accomplish the thing that He has commanded us to do. We can stay true to His word and His commandments during this struggle, and we can have
faith that our life will not be barren if He is in it. When we understand more fully the dealings of God, we are much less likely to murmur because of our trials and
challenges. This challenge has been terribly difficult for me, and I have done a lot of murmuring myself, but as the Lord has helped me to see more fully His dealings with
me and the rest of His children, I have felt much less inclined to murmur and more inclined to faithfully submit.

One other thing that really struck me as similar to the response of many who experience same-gender attraction is when Lehi told Nephi of the commandment to go
back to Jerusalem to get the plates. "Behold thy brothers murmur, saying it is a hard thing I have required of them; but behold I have not required it of them, but it is a
commandment of the Lord" (Nephi 3:5). Individuals who experience same-gender attraction are asked, along with all members of the Lord's Church, to live a life of
complete chastity, which means seeking a relationship with someone of the opposite gender when we are ready for that step, or, if there is no opportunity for marriage
in this life, live celibate.

When that doctrine is taught, many question the authority of the Church to make such a requirement, but in reality it is the Lord requiring it. Such questioners utter
nearly the exact words of Laman and Lemuel: "Thou hast declared hard things unto us, more than we are able to bear" (Nephi 16:1). But Nephi's stinging rebuke is
especially potent: "If ye were righteous and were willing . . ." (Nephi 16:1, 3). Those who murmur are those who do not develop personal communion with the Lord
and seek His will on the matter with a willing heart. Those who have testimonies of the Lord's chosen servants need not question that what they have been taught about
chastity and morality is directly from the Lord Himself. They are entitled to a spiritual witness, but Nephi's came after he already believed in in the commandments of the
Lord to his father and acted on that belief-and not before. We must have the faith to put our lives completely in His hands and trust that he will not leave us to die in the
wilderness. We must believe that He will sustain us and that we can have happiness and peace even in the most seemingly unlikely of circumstances.

A parallel attitude is found in the way Laman and Lemuel felt about the commandment to build a ship. They murmured against Nephi, saying they didn't feel he could
build a ship that could cross the great waters. It was a monumental task, and some of the key words in the record are that "[they] were desirous that they might not."
First of all, the effort that would be required was tremendous. Second, "they did not believe" Nephi could build a ship. They did not believe it was either possible or
necessary to do such a thing. Many individuals who experience same-gender attraction have a similar attitude. They do not believe that it's possible-or desirable or
necessary-to cross the waters of mortality in the way the Lord has commanded (Nephi 17:3, 7-11, 13-14, 17-19).

The contrast of attitudes between Nephi and his brothers is significant to me. I've been so inspired by individuals who have sought the attitude of Nephi and
approached their circumstances with faith, believing that if the Lord has commanded, then He will prepare a way. As the children of God, we are "gods in
embryo" (Ezra Taft Benson, The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, 21.),and the Lord has indicated that being chastened and tried is a prerequisite to being sanctified
(D&C 101:4-5). C. S. Lewis taught, "We are, not metaphorically but in very truth, a Divine work of art, something that God is making, and therefore something with
which He will not be satisfied until it has a certain character." Thus it is perfectly "natural for us to wish that God had designed for us a less glorious and less arduous
destiny; but then we are wishing not for more love but for less." (C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain, 35-36, 38.)

The Eternal Eye

One of the lessons I think the Lord is trying to teach me, and which I am only beginning to learn, is that there is a lot more equality to all the trials, challenges, and tests
of mortality than I would like to think. He knows and loves every one of us equally as His children. He knows our weaknesses and our strengths, and He tailors our
experience to fit our needs-that which we personally need to learn and experience that will help us to become more like Him and to gain the "mind of Christ," as Paul
termed it (Corinthians 2:16). President Boyd K. Packer stated:

"Our lives are made up of thousands of everyday choices. Over the years these little choices will be bundled together and show clearly what we value.

"The crucial test of life, I repeat, does not center in the choice between fame and obscurity, nor between wealth and poverty. The greatest decision of life is between
good and evil.

"We may foolishly bring unhappiness and trouble, even suffering, upon ourselves. These are not always to be regarded as penalties imposed by a displeased Creator.
They are part of the lessons of life, part of the test.

"Some are tested by poor health, some by a body that is deformed or homely. Others are tested by handsome and healthy bodies; some by the passion of youth; others
by the erosions of age.

"Some suffer disappointment in marriage, family problems; others live in poverty and obscurity. Some (perhaps this is the hardest test) find ease and luxury.

"All are part(c)
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"It is possible to be both rich and famous and at the same time succeed spiritually. But the Lord warned of the difficulty of it when He talked of camels and needles (see
Matt. 19:24)." (Boyd K. Packer, "The Choice," Ensign, November 1980.)
by the erosions of age.

"Some suffer disappointment in marriage, family problems; others live in poverty and obscurity. Some (perhaps this is the hardest test) find ease and luxury.

"All are part of the test, and there is more equality in this testing than sometimes we suspect.

"It is possible to be both rich and famous and at the same time succeed spiritually. But the Lord warned of the difficulty of it when He talked of camels and needles (see
Matt. 19:24)." (Boyd K. Packer, "The Choice," Ensign, November 1980.)

It has been difficult for me-as one who experiences same-gender attraction, a challenge that often seems impossible to bear and remain faithful-to recognize the
possibility that my cross is not more unbearable than those that others may be called to carry; to be sure, it is different, but it is not unequal or more unbearable. For the
way we see our own trials or the trials of others depends upon the lenses through which we view them-through social, mortal eyes or through spiritual, eternal eyes.
When viewed through the latter, almost all challenges, attractions, temptations, or tendencies can try our commitment to God and full worship of Him. The poor can be
just as wicked as the rich, the young as the old, and those with heterosexual attractions as those with homosexual attractions.

Francis Webster, a member of the Martin Handcart Company, said, "We suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but . . .
every one of us came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives for we became acquainted with him in our extremities." (Cited in David O. McKay, "Pioneer
Women," Relief Society Magazine, January 1948, 8.) On more than one occasion I have wished I could have suffered with the worst conditions the handcart
companies endured rather than experience this challenge. But in reality, my own challenges have equal capacity to draw me to my knees. Once, while I was visiting with
a counselor, he wisely stated, "Well, if you're going to remain faithful, you are going to need to stay close to the Savior. With a challenge like this there is certainly no
room for spiritual apathy." Those words rang true to me when he first said them, and I have since come to understand to an even greater degree how profound they
are.

We see the greatest difference between the types of challenges we experience when we view those challenges through social eyes. According to Elder Packer's
statement, some would feel it much less of a trial to have an extremely beautiful and healthy body-there is little social condemnation for that-than to have an ugly,
malformed, or unhealthy body. Concerning attraction and sexuality, some may prefer the trial of an unhealthy or overzealous heterosexual appetite, because popular
culture as a whole is much more accepting of a hyper-heterosexual drive and often promiscuous indulgence of that drive than it is of even minimal homosexual
attraction.

When we view challenges from an eternal perspective, however, we realize there is more equality in the trials than we would sometimes like to admit. The principles of
salvation are not always in accord with social acceptability or justice. It takes a true sense of eternal vision or eternal eyes to see it, but it is there, and "where there is no
vision, the people perish" (Proverbs 29:18).

It is true that for heterosexuals who fail to keep their thoughts clean and master the flesh, their passions will be just as damning as for those who experience homosexual
attractions and succumb to them. I read a statement a while ago that was tough to hear, but the Spirit testified to my heart it was true. Elder Vaughn J. Featherstone
said: "President J. Reuben Clark gave me great light many years ago on a great tremendous subject. He said (and these are my words, not his) that the sex urge does
not have to be satisfied. That is Satan's old lie that it does have to be satisfied." (Vaughn J. Featherstone, "A Self-Inflicted Purging," Ensign, May 1975). Although the
challenge is much different between homosexual and heterosexual attractions, the eternal standard is the same. It may be easy for those who experience same-gender
attraction to think of the real trial or test as becoming heterosexual, but that is false. It's not about all getting married, having "x" number of children, or reaching an ideal
level of heterosexuality. The real test is mastering the flesh and placing our hearts and wills on the altar of God; the real test is not in our attractions or tendencies but
rather in our hearts and affections for the Savior. The point is, on a spiritual plain all of us have our crosses to bear and tests and challenges that must bring us to
submission before the Master of our souls.

While recognizing that on a spiritual plane there is more equality in the testing than we may at first think, it is also important to realize that it is not always fair to contrast
our challenges with others,' for every analogy or comparison is going to break at some point. For example, some compare the plight of those who experience the
challenge of same-gender attraction with the challenge of other single brothers or sisters who are unable to marry for whatever reason. When looking through social,
mortal eyes, I would suggest that it is not true that nothing more is asked of single adult Church members who experience homosexual attraction than is asked of single
adult Church members who experience heterosexual attraction-to live chaste lives. Single adults are urged to date, to seek romance, and to marry a member of the
opposite sex for whom they feel a natural attraction. They are asked to be chaste, but only until they find someone with whom they can naturally share their heart and
life and most intimate unifying passions. But if, through no fault of their own, they are unable to marry and find love, emotional intimacy, and fulfillment in this life, they
are quickly reminded that no matter how difficult the emotional and physical loneliness is, it is only temporary-that all their loneliness and trial will be stripped away in
the next life, and they will find peace; they are painstakingly given something of immeasurable value in the struggle to stay faithful and true-hope.

For those who experience same-gender attraction, however, the social challenge is different. Same-gender attraction brings with it a stigma, perpetual
misunderstanding, and taboo. If those who experience such attraction are unable to "change," despite persistent efforts, they are often-probably most often
unintentionally-brought to feel guilt and shame for their attraction. They are forbidden to flirt, to date, to seek romance, to fall in love with those for whom they feel a
natural attraction. And what often makes the experience of same-gender attraction a greater challenge than that of the attraction itself is the fear-which, sadly, is
sometimes a reality-of rejection by parents or siblings; it is the fear that others may not allow them to be in the presence of their children for fear of the possibility they
might be infected or recruited, as if same-gender attraction were a disease or a learned behavior.

The call to "believe in Christ, and view his death, and suffer his cross and bear the shame of the world" (Jacob 1:8) and come unto Christ is the call of every true
Christian. Those who experience same-gender attraction are not exempted from that call, but it is important to recognize that it may not be fair or right to compare the
challenges of individuals, regardless of what those challenges may be, as if they were exactly alike. Though there may be similarities, our trials and challenges are
individual, but if we have willing and humble hearts, our individual challenges or tests are equally capable of bringing us to Christ and helping us learn the eternal lessons
He would have us learn in this mortal, probationary state. We can know that He is watchful, careful, and ever mindful and loving. He knows the needs of every
individual and is aware of the passions, fears, trials and challenges of each child of God.

"The Will of the Father in All Things"

Joseph Smith taught that "a religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary unto life and
salvation." (Joseph Smith, Lectures on Faith, 6:7, 11.) It is through the challenge of same-gender attraction more than any other that I have had to learn to put my life
completely in the Lord's hands-to try to develop the kind of faith that the Prophet is here speaking of. I'm grateful that the Lord has given me-or allowed to remain with
me-whatever experience He felt was necessary to teach me this lesson on faith and sacrifice and the many other lessons that will accompany it.

While serving a full-time mission for the Church, I thought I was beginning to understand what it means to sacrifice-what it means to "offer your whole souls as an
offering unto him" (Omni 1:26). Since then, as I have had to confront my feelings of attraction, I think I am just now beginning to understand the principle of sacrifice.
What I understood before was minimal compared to what the Lord has been teaching me through this experience. I've had to learn to trust as I have never before
trusted. There
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me so that I might develop that level of perfect faith. There are times even now when, if I look too far ahead, I get discouraged. All I can do at those times is choose to
follow Him that day-choose to place my will on the altar for that short time. I'm quickly learning that as we take care of the hours and the days, the weeks and the years
take care of themselves.
While serving a full-time mission for the Church, I thought I was beginning to understand what it means to sacrifice-what it means to "offer your whole souls as an
offering unto him" (Omni 1:26). Since then, as I have had to confront my feelings of attraction, I think I am just now beginning to understand the principle of sacrifice.
What I understood before was minimal compared to what the Lord has been teaching me through this experience. I've had to learn to trust as I have never before
trusted. There are times when I wonder if I really have the faith to refrain from submitting to my attraction for the rest of my life, but I'm willing to do what is asked of
me so that I might develop that level of perfect faith. There are times even now when, if I look too far ahead, I get discouraged. All I can do at those times is choose to
follow Him that day-choose to place my will on the altar for that short time. I'm quickly learning that as we take care of the hours and the days, the weeks and the years
take care of themselves.

Giving our full heart to the Lord is a process rather than an event, so we must remember not to allow discouragement to plague us if the idea seems overwhelming. As
the saying goes, one can only eat an elephant one bite at a time. The road to perfect faith begins with the desire to have faith. We sing, "Savior, may I learn to love thee,
walk the paths that thou has shown." ( "Lord, I Would Follow Thee," Hymns of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 220.) I continually pray that I might
learn to love Him more, to love Him enough to offer Him more of my whole soul.

As I discussed this principle with a friend-one who feels similarly about the importance to sacrifice and being faithful to the Lord and His Church-he shared some of his
feelings and experience that, for me, put a "seal of living reality," as Elder McConkie called it, on this principle. ( "The Message: The How and Why of Faith-promoting
Stories," New Era, July 1978) It has been so difficult for me to try to express just how personal and real and heart-wrenching this challenge can be, and as he shared
with me his own feelings, I felt as though some of his words could have been my very own. He wrote:

"I think I understand exactly how you feel, even to the point that I met a guy who I was attracted to in every way. It was so new and unusual that I was shocked. I
finally understood how it felt to want to write and sing those cheesy love songs, and even what it was like to naturally want to kiss someone. Whenever I dated a girl
(my longest relationship topped out at 2 1/2 months) I would always think, 'I think I'm supposed to kiss her now'-but I never wanted to at all (and subsequently, never
did). I thought that I was just more focused on more important parts of the relationship, but that wasn't it. The drive to keep the relationship going was never there.
'Homosexuality' is such a misnomer. It is about so much more than sexual attraction.

"So when I met this guy, and longed to just be with him all the time, it really threw me off. It felt so good and natural. I was so torn, because we both had a conviction
that we wanted to stay true to our covenants, and that any relationship beyond friends just wouldn't be in any way consistent with what we know to be true. But that
was so hard for me to swallow. Finally I had the feelings for someone that I had waited my whole life to feel, filling an ever-increasing void and longing for emotional
intimacy-and I couldn't have it. The thought crossed my mind that I might never have these feelings for a woman, or anyone else, for the rest of my life, because I, too,
had prayed and fasted countless times that they would go away, to no avail.

"Well, in the end, I am at peace with my decision. I know that the gospel path is the path that will fulfill me in the deepest and most meaningful way.

"You know, part of me really does still question why I have to go through this, what I did to deserve it, and whether I really can get through it at all. But deep down I
am so sure of what is right and what is required of me that I know what I have to do. I know that I can do it too. It really all depends on what I want more in the end.
Can I give up satisfying my deepest desire to have the love and romantic companionship that feels so natural to me right now for blessings of eternal life that seem so
distant? All the talks and lessons on faith and sacrifice I've heard have always seemed to make sense and feel good when they come from the manual, but they really
don't mean anything until you are truly tested and what was once only on paper has now become a wrenching part of your heart and life.

"This is definitely the hardest test of faith I have ever experienced! After finally feeling for the first time what romantic love was really like, knowing what it is like to kiss
someone and have it race through your mind for the rest of the day, to meet someone that you connect with emotionally, socially, physically, spiritually, who completes
you in every way, to miss him so much when he isn't around, to have him fill a void that you didn't even know was there, to actually feel truly loved and to truly love in
return, to know what it's like to want to spend your entire life with someone, and for everything logically and emotionally telling you that this is good and right and
natural and that you should embrace it, and then to willingly give it up because something deeper-something more eternal-tells you it's not right and that not God's will,
that for me is the essence of sacrifice-that is the only thing that I know of that I could give up to truly show God how much I love Him and how much I want to serve
Him and be with Him someday."

Elder Henry B. Eyring said that "to have the blessings of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob we need to face and pass comparable tests. . . . The greater the test, the greater
the compliment from a loving Heavenly Father." I know that when Abraham was told to sacrifice his only son, after waiting so long for him to come to enable the
fulfillment of his promised posterity, everything logically and emotionally was telling him that this was not right, but he was willing because something deeper told him it
was required. He trusted that God would provide a way.

The eighteenth-century British clergyman William Law said, "If you have not chosen the Kingdom of God first, it will in the end make no difference what you have
chosen instead." (Cited in Neal A. Maxwell, "Response to a Call ," Ensign, May 1974.) Regardless of whether the tests, trials, challenges, or tragedies in our lives are
the result of God's intentional proving or simply the byproduct of living in fallen bodies in a fallen world, it is nevertheless essential that we put God first and choose to
serve Him at all costs. King Benjamin said in his classic sermon: "The natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and
ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the Atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh
as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his
father" (Mosiah 3:19; italics added).

When we make covenants at baptism and again in the temple, we covenant to live lives of chastity and of consecration. We, in essence, covenant to hand over our
entire will and being to the Man of Holiness who has promised He can make more out of us than we can make out of ourselves. Elder M. Russell Ballard stated:
"Sometimes we are tempted to let our lives be governed more by convenience than by covenant. It is not always convenient to live gospel standards and stand up for
truth and testify of the Restoration. It usually is not convenient to share the gospel with others. It isn't always convenient to respond to a calling in the church, especially
one that stretches our abilities. Opportunities to serve others in meaningful ways, as we have covenanted to do, rarely come at convenient times. But there is no spiritual
power in living by convenience." (M. Russell Ballard, "Like a Flame Unquenchable," Ensign, May 1999.) And it is certainly not convenient to place a life of willing
submission to the law of chastity and other covenants on the altar-to take attractions that often seem so natural and powerful into the wilderness.

President Gordon B. Hinckley taught, "Without sacrifice, there can be no worship of the true God." (Gordon B. Hinckley, The Teachings of Gordon B. Hinckley, 565.)
Worship is sacrifice, and sacrifice is worship; they are inseparably connected.

Elder Maxwell eloquently taught, "The submission of one's will is placing on God's altar the only uniquely personal thing one has to place there. The many other things
we 'give' are actually the things He has already given or loaned to us. However, when we finally submit ourselves by letting our individual wills be swallowed up in
God's will, we will really be giving something to Him! It is the only possession which is truly ours to give. Consecration thus constitutes the only unconditional surrender
which is also a total victory." (Neal A. Maxwell, If Thou Endure It Well, 54.) He later observed: "Alas, even when you and I do place something on the altar, we
sometimes hang around as if waiting for a receipt." (Neal A. Maxwell, "Applying the Atoning Blood of Christ," Ensign, November 1997.)

God  lives, and
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                                           of Jesus Christ as restored through the Prophet Joseph Smith is eternal truth. And there will come a time whenPage
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recognize it for what it is-when "every knee shall bow, and every tongue confess before him" (Mosiah 27:31). President Spencer W. Kimball prophetically declared,
"The time will come when there will be a surrender of every person who has ever lived on this earth, who is now living, or who ever will live on this earth; and it will be
an unforced surrender, an unconditional surrender. When will it be for you? Today? In twenty years? Two hundred years? Two thousand or a million? When? Again . .
God's will, we will really be giving something to Him! It is the only possession which is truly ours to give. Consecration thus constitutes the only unconditional surrender
which is also a total victory." (Neal A. Maxwell, If Thou Endure It Well, 54.) He later observed: "Alas, even when you and I do place something on the altar, we
sometimes hang around as if waiting for a receipt." (Neal A. Maxwell, "Applying the Atoning Blood of Christ," Ensign, November 1997.)

God lives, and the fulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ as restored through the Prophet Joseph Smith is eternal truth. And there will come a time when all must
recognize it for what it is-when "every knee shall bow, and every tongue confess before him" (Mosiah 27:31). President Spencer W. Kimball prophetically declared,
"The time will come when there will be a surrender of every person who has ever lived on this earth, who is now living, or who ever will live on this earth; and it will be
an unforced surrender, an unconditional surrender. When will it be for you? Today? In twenty years? Two hundred years? Two thousand or a million? When? Again . .
. it is not if you will capitulate to the great truth; it is when, for I know that you cannot indefinitely resist the power and pressure of truth. Why not now? Much time has
been lost. The years ahead can be far more glorious for you than any years in the past." (Spencer W. Kimball, "First Presidency Message: Absolute Truth," Ensign,
September 1978.)

The world would have us believe that if same-gender attraction is inborn-an idea that in some respects should not be entirely discounted-then to fully be free and true to
ourselves, we must surrender to it. The idea that we must surrender instead to God, in spite of challenges that may be very natural, is not a popular one and receives
great criticism. But God's way has been and always will be unpopular, until Christ comes to rule and reign as "Lord of lords, and King of kings" (Revelation 17:14). The
Prophet Joseph Smith stated: "To get salvation we must not only do some things, but everything which God has commanded . . . The object with me is to obey and
teach others to obey God in just what He tells us to do. It mattereth not whether the principle is popular or unpopular, I will always maintain a true principle, even if I
stand alone in it." (Joseph Smith, Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 332.)

Once we have covenanted with Christ, we are no longer our own being. I don't know if there is anything that I could give to the Lord that is more fiercely a part of who
I am than one of my strongest attractions. It has been said that God's love and grace was "costly because it cost a man his life . . . and what has cost God much cannot
be cheap for us." (Deitrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship, 47-48. Cited in Robert L. Millet, "The Doctrine of Merit," as published in The Fullness of the Gospel:
Foundational Teachings from the Book of Mormon, 129.)

King Lamoni's father, in humble prayer declared, "Make thyself known unto me, and I will give away all my sins to know thee . . . that I may . . . be saved at the last
day" (Alma 22:18; italics added). To give away our sins to come to know God doesn't mean that same-gender attraction must or will be overcome in mortality, but it is
the willingness to place our hearts and any behavior associated with those attractions on the altar of God. Again, we must remember that the attraction or tendency itself
is a challenge rather than a transgression.

When the Savior first appeared to His flock in the New World, in a voice that penetrated the soul, he declared: "Behold, I am Jesus Christ, whom the prophets testified
shall come into the world." His next words represented the essence of His life and mission: "And behold, I am the light and the life of the world; . . . I have drunk out of
that bitter cup which the Father hath given me, and have glorified the Father in taking upon me the sins of the world, . . . I have suffered the will of the Father in all things
from the beginning." It was after these few simple but powerful words that "the whole multitude fell to the earth." [cite]

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland commented on these profound verses: "I cannot think it either accident or mere whimsy that the Good Shepherd in his newly exalted state,
appearing to a most significant segment of His flock, chooses first to speak of his obedience, his deference, his loyalty, and loving submission to his father . . . [This is]
the first and most important thing He wishes us to know about Himself.

"Frankly, . . . this is the first and most important thing he may want to know about us when we meet him one day in similar fashion. Did we obey, even if it was painful?
Did we submit, even if the cup was bitter indeed? Did we yield to a vision higher and holier than our own, even when we may have seen no vision in it at all? . . .

"No amount of university education, or any other kind of desirable and civilizing experience in this world, will help us at the moment of our confrontation with Christ if
we have not been able-and are not then able-to yield, yield all that we are, all that we have, and all that we ever hope to have to the Father and the Son.

"The path to a complete Christian education passes through the Garden of Gethsemane, and we will learn there if we haven't learned it before that our Father will have
no other gods before him-even (or especially) if that would-be god is our self . . . It will be required of each of us to kneel when we may not want to kneel, to bow
when we may not want to bow, to confess when we may not want to confess-perhaps a confession born of painful experience that God's thoughts are not our thoughts,
neither are his ways our ways, saith the Lord (see Isaiah 55:8) . . .

"Accomplishment of any kind is vain if we cannot, in those crucial moments of pivotal personal history, submit ourselves to God even when all our hopes and fears may
tempt us otherwise. We must be willing to place all that we have-not just our possessions (they may be the easiest things of all to give up), but also our ambition and
pride and stubbornness and vanity-we must place it all on the altar of God, kneel there in silent submission, and willingly walk away." (Jeffrey R. Holland, "The Will of
the Father in All Things," BYU Speeches, 76-78. Taken from an address delivered at Brigham Young University on 17 January 1989.)

Hope through the Atonement

Shortly after I first confided in my bishop, I began seeing a counselor upon his recommendation. I was having a particularly hard time one day, and as I left my
counselor's office, I silently pleaded, "Why?!" Why did this have to be so hard? Why, when I wanted only to serve God and have a family and build the kingdom, did I
have to have such a strong attraction that was inconsistent with everything I ever wanted in relation to the gospel? As I silently pleaded for answers to these questions, I
received a powerful impression. The words of Alma concerning the suffering of Christ came to my mind: "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and
temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon
him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to
the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities" (Alma 7:12; italics added).

As I felt the power of those words upon my mind, several simultaneous impressions concerning these words came upon me. First, I knew the Savior understood my
pain and my afflictions. I felt it. I didn't understand how, but I knew that He did. To truly be able to succor and comfort me, He had to have somehow felt the pain and
heartache that I was experiencing. Paul wrote, "For in that he himself hath suffered being tempted, he is able to succour them that are tempted" (Hebrews 2:18). He
suffered as He did so He could have perfect empathy for each of us in our personal pain. Second, as an extension of that same principle, I felt impressed that we too
must suffer and be tempted so we can relate to others and succor them more effectively. By doing so, we may help to turn them to the Savior-and in this way we may
become, in a way, the saviors of men. I remembered the words of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland in a devotional address I heard at the Missionary Training Center. The
context was missionary work, but as the Spirit brought the words to my remembrance, I felt they applied to me in the context of same-gender attraction. Elder Holland
said:

"Anyone who does any kind of missionary work will have occasion to ask, Why is this so hard? Why doesn't it go better? . . .

"You will have occasion to ask those questions. I have thought about this a great deal. I offer this as my personal feeling. I am convinced that missionary work is not
easy because salvation is not a cheap experience. Salvation never was easy. We are the Church of Jesus Christ, this is the truth, and He is our Great Eternal Head.
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moments in Gethsemane. Missionaries and mission leaders have to take at least a step or two toward the summit of Calvary . . .
"Anyone who does any kind of missionary work will have occasion to ask, Why is this so hard? Why doesn't it go better? . . .

"You will have occasion to ask those questions. I have thought about this a great deal. I offer this as my personal feeling. I am convinced that missionary work is not
easy because salvation is not a cheap experience. Salvation never was easy. We are the Church of Jesus Christ, this is the truth, and He is our Great Eternal Head.
How could we believe it would be easy for us when it was never, ever easy for Him? It seems to me that missionaries and mission leaders have to spend at least a few
moments in Gethsemane. Missionaries and mission leaders have to take at least a step or two toward the summit of Calvary . . .

"I believe that missionaries and investigators, to come to the truth, to come to salvation, to know something of this price that has been paid, will have to pay a token of
that same price.

"If He could come forward in the night, kneel down, fall on His face, bleed from every pore, and cry, 'Abba, Father (Papa), if this cup can pass, let it pass,' then little
wonder that salvation is not a whimsical or easy thing for us. If you wonder if there isn't an easier way, you should remember you are not the first one to ask that.
Someone a lot greater and a lot grander asked a long time ago if there wasn't an easier way . . . The only way to salvation is through Gethsemane and on to Calvary.
The only way to eternity is through Him-the Way, the Truth, and the Life." (Jeffrey R. Holland, "Missionary Work and the Atonement," Ensign, March 2001, 24-25.)

These words pricked my heart with an intensity of the Spirit I have rarely felt. I felt strongly that part of why Christ had to suffer as He did was so that He could
understand my pain, his bowels would be filled with mercy, and he could know how to succor me in my affliction. In addition, I had the strong feeling that I needed to
experience this trial partly because it would help me better understand to some small degree His suffering and commitment and the love of God. I'm just beginning to
understand what it means to be a true Christian. It is necessary for me to bear this cross and to resist the temptation to succumb to my attraction in order to better
understand both the Savior and the power of His Atonement.

Elder Holland cautioned: "Now, please don't misunderstand. I'm not talking about anything anywhere near what Christ experienced. That would be presumptuous and
sacrilegious. But . . . [the] reason I don't believe missionary work [or any other challenge] has ever been easy, nor that conversion is, nor that retention is, nor that
continued faithfulness is I believe it is supposed to require some effort, something from the depths of our soul." (Jeffrey R. Holland, "Missionary Work and the
Atonement," Ensign, March 2001, 24-25.) [need to check bracketed interpolations]

C. S. Lewis made a powerful observation: "No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know
what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by
fighting against it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down . . . That is why bad people, in one sense, know
very little about badness. They have always lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it;
and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation really means-the only complete
realist." (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, 126.)

I have also been inspired by the words of President Howard W. Hunter: "We must know Christ better than we know him; we must remember him more often than we
remember him; we must serve him more valiantly than we serve him." (Howard W. Hunter, " 'What Manner of Men Ought Ye to Be?,'" Ensign, May 1994.) I have felt
that my experience with my challenge in a small way helps me to do just that. There is no better way to come to truly know an individual than by spending time in his
shoes. To know God and to better understand our Savior's redeeming and enabling Atonement, we must learn to live more as He lived, serve more as He served, love
more as He loved, and, at least to some tiny degree, suffer more as He suffered.

Each of us, Saint and sinner alike, becomes acquainted with the Suffering Servant through our suffering. Persecution and pain are the lot of the Saints of God in every
dispensation. As the apostle Peter counseled, "Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto
you: but rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy" (Peter 4:12-13).

"A Perfect Brightness of Hope"

Of all the doctrines and principles of the gospel, the atonement of Christ is by far the most difficult for me to share my feelings about. I've written and rewritten my
ideas, fasted and prayed, and studied and pondered. And still, I am at a loss for words to express that which I feel. That difficulty has two principal causes. First, there
is still so much I don't understand about the Atonement, and I feel Him continually teaching me and tutoring me through my life's experiences. Second, concerning the
things that I do understand somewhat, how do you really express in a limited, finite vocabulary something that is so universal and infinite as the atoning sacrifice of the
Only Begotten of the Father-something so boundlessly eternal and yet so intimately personal? How do I help others to feel something that has so deeply transformed
my heart and life and that can only be understood by a humble, willing heart and by the power of the Holy Spirit?

Just as Marilyn Matis shared her feelings about how her experience with her son Stuart helped her to really internalize and understand the power of the Atonement for
the first time in her life, so has my experience with same-gender attraction forced me to my knees to seek power and understanding and mercy from the Most High.
Certain things will never be understood only through listening to discourses or reading the written word, for they are but a shadow of what must be felt and experienced
through the outpouring of heaven by every individual who seeks salvation. I know the power of the Atonement and redeeming power of Christ is real, because I have
felt it.

The regenerating effects of the Atonement that come through an individual's faith are not something that can be experienced vicariously through priesthood leaders or
parents or spouse or children. Those effects must be lived and gained through the smelter of adversity and the whisperings of the Spirit. And the most powerful feeling
that has come to me as a result of what the Lord has taught me through my experiences is hope.

There was a time when I had lost this invaluable feeling. I had a difficult time reconciling things that I felt and experienced both in the spiritual truths of the gospel and in
my experience with same-gender attraction. There were times when I felt completely alone and lost as I considered possible alternative courses my future life could
take. With the testimony I had of the gospel of Christ, I didn't feel I could be completely at peace with myself living in a homosexual relationship, even one that was fully
committed and loving-though I did believe I could find a measure of happiness and fulfillment. On the other hand, when I tried to think about the gospel objectively, I
didn't know how I could ever be truly whole and at peace living the standards of the gospel when I would be "suppressing" something that seemed to be such a natural
part of me.

It is impossible for me to adequately relate the experiences that helped me to finally find peace in living completely faithful to gospel standards while still experiencing
this challenge, but as I reached the point where I was able to fully and humbly open myself up to understanding from the Lord, the Spirit spoke to my understanding,
and I again felt hope for the first time in a long time.

"O the wisdom of God, his mercy and grace!" (Nephi 9:8). These words have been forever immortalized in my heart. No other words can describe how I feel about
Christ and the power of His Atonement. There is really no adequate way to express my gratitude for the understanding of the Atonement I have and the hope I feel in
consequence of that understanding.

Though  the (c)
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discouraged, that hope keeps me moving forward in faith. Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught: "No wonder Apostles and prophets have told us not to be moved away from
the hope of the gospel, for hope is 'an anchor of the soul' to 'make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works.' . . .
"O the wisdom of God, his mercy and grace!" (Nephi 9:8). These words have been forever immortalized in my heart. No other words can describe how I feel about
Christ and the power of His Atonement. There is really no adequate way to express my gratitude for the understanding of the Atonement I have and the hope I feel in
consequence of that understanding.

Though the experience of my attraction is still extremely challenging and difficult at times, my faith and hope in Christ no longer wavers. Even when I do get
discouraged, that hope keeps me moving forward in faith. Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught: "No wonder Apostles and prophets have told us not to be moved away from
the hope of the gospel, for hope is 'an anchor of the soul' to 'make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works.' . . .

"The very way in which . . . illuminated individuals 'take up [the] cross daily' is a sermon in itself. They lead lives not of quiet desperation but of quiet inspiration,
constituting what Paul would call their 'defence and confirmation of the gospel.' Theirs represents a tinier and quieter history within the larger and noisier human history,
a joyful and reassuring drama within the more despairing drama being played out on this planet." (Neal A. Maxwell, "Shine As Lights in the World," Ensign, May
1983.)

I believe that those who truly understand and have internalized the eternal vision of the plan of salvation and its essential doctrines would never view submission to
Christ and their eternal potential as "suppression." And I do not believe that those who understand the glory and majesty of the love of Christ and His infinite Atonement
would feel "desperate" in their discipleship. As Elder Maxwell pointed out, their hope in Christ transforms their feelings of desperation to inspiration and suppression to
submission. In their faith and understanding of the gospel, they maintain a "perfect brightness of hope" for a "better world" (Nephi 31:20; Ether 12:4).

Robert Millet has said: "I know that the day is coming when all the wrongs, the awful wrongs of this life, will be righted, when the God of justice will attend to all evil.
Those things that are beyond our power to control will be corrected, either here or hereafter. Many of us may come to enjoy the lifting, liberating powers of the
Atonement in this life and all our losses will be made up before we pass from this sphere of existence. Perhaps some of us will wrestle all our days with our traumas and
our trials, for He who orchestrates the events of our lives will surely fix the time of our release. I have a conviction that when a person passes through the veil of death,
all those impediments and challenges and crosses that were beyond his or her power to control-abuse, neglect, immoral environment, weighty traditions, etc.-will be
torn away like a film and perfect peace will prevail in our hearts." (Millet, "God and Human Tragedy.")

The Peace of Perspective

Helen Keller once observed that the only thing worse than being born blind is being born without vision. President James E. Faust said: "Helen Keller was one of the
most exceptional individuals of our time. Before she was two years of age, she lost her sight and hearing. She never married but became internationally famous, helping
literally thousands of people live more complete and happy lives. She took three years to learn the alphabet as her teacher reached her mind by touching the back of
her hand. She listened to others by putting her middle finger on the speaker's nose, three fingers on the lips, and her thumb on the larynx. She graduated from Radcliffe
College with honors and began a remarkable writing career. Helen Keller was once asked by a reporter, 'What can be worse than being blind?' She replied, 'Having
eyes to see but no vision.' Having the vision of our worth and capability is an essential prerequisite to finding fulfillment. We also need vision to glimpse what God
intends us to be now and in the eternities." (James E. Faust, "A Vision of What We Can Be," Ensign, Mar. 1996, 10.)

Much of the attitude with which we approach our challenges depends upon the level of eternal perspective we have. Elder Richard G. Scott pointed out: "When you
face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to
suffer this now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys . . . Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I
to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial?" (Conference Report, October 1995, 18.)

I feel that in addition to the Lord's comforting Spirit, vision and perspective are key to feeling the lasting peace and hope that keep us firm in the gospel of Christ and
away from following after the spiritually destructive philosophies of men. Challenges, regardless of their form, give us the opportunity to develop strength and
understanding. Through them our hearts may be opened and softened so the Lord can teach us the things of godliness. With a proper perspective on the purpose of our
trials-believing that this experience can actually be good for us-we can approach our attraction in a whole new light and with a whole new attitude.

There have been many others whose severe afflictions have molded them into what God wanted them to become. Out of fiery furnace of Liberty Jail, the Prophet
Joseph Smith emerged more powerful in his preaching and firm in his discipleship than ever before. I have thought often about the exchange between him and the Lord
when the Prophet cried out in frustration:

"O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?

"How long shall thy hand be stayed? . . ."

"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

"And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes . . .

"Thou art not yet as Job" (D&C 121:1-2, 7-8, 10).

"If thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge
conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very
jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

"The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

"Therefore, hold on thy way. . . . Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; . . . God shall be with you forever and ever" (D&C 122:7-9).

Many times as I have read this passage I have felt overwhelmingly humbled and embarrassed because of my complaints over comparatively petty trials. I have too often
felt "overcome because of my afflictions" and considered with Nephi that "mine afflictions were great above all" (Nephi 15:5). The Son of Man truly did suffer
incomparably more than I suffer-how could I consider that I was greater than He? How could I consider that what I was going through could compare in any way to
what He suffered? And yet, even as we experience our trials and in our eyes the jaws of hell seem to open up after us, the Lord and His angels are round about us to
bear us up, and the eternal experience gained from such adversity is immeasurable to our mortal minds.

This idea has been reinforced in my mind by an experience I had that has inspired greater hope and courage within me to faithfully endure this challenge. One night
some friends who also experience same-gender attraction and I met with a Latter-day Saint in his forties who is not married but who endures in faith and has found
great peace and purpose in the gospel of Christ. He shared with us a sacred experience that helped him to know that we are not alone and that in reality there are
"angels round about [us] to bear [us] up"(D&C 84:88). As he shared his experience with us, I felt the Spirit deeply impress upon me, over and over again, words from
the scriptures
 Copyright   (c)that I hadn't heard
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                                Infobase      someCorp.
                                          Media    time, and which I couldn't recall the specific context of. But they were simple and powerfully affected Page
                                                                                                                                                           me: "Fear
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they that be with us are more than they that be with them."

Not able to get those words out of my mind, when I arrived home I hurriedly searched the scriptures to find them so I could read them in greater context. I found them
This idea has been reinforced in my mind by an experience I had that has inspired greater hope and courage within me to faithfully endure this challenge. One night
some friends who also experience same-gender attraction and I met with a Latter-day Saint in his forties who is not married but who endures in faith and has found
great peace and purpose in the gospel of Christ. He shared with us a sacred experience that helped him to know that we are not alone and that in reality there are
"angels round about [us] to bear [us] up"(D&C 84:88). As he shared his experience with us, I felt the Spirit deeply impress upon me, over and over again, words from
the scriptures that I hadn't heard for quite some time, and which I couldn't recall the specific context of. But they were simple and powerfully affected me: "Fear not: for
they that be with us are more than they that be with them."

Not able to get those words out of my mind, when I arrived home I hurriedly searched the scriptures to find them so I could read them in greater context. I found them
in the Old Testament. Israel was being attacked by Syria, and the servant of Elisha said to him in great concern, "Alas, my master! how shall we do? And he answered,
Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them. And Elisha prayed, and said, Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see. And the Lord
opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and, behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha" (2 Kings 6: 15-17).

I believe strongly what we are not alone in our fight to live faithfully the standards of the gospel we have been entrusted with. We are born with royal blood and a royal
destiny: We are "gods in embryo." (Ezra Taft Benson, The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, 21.) Sometimes mortality may seem like a dismal experience, and in a way
that is rightfully so. This isn't our home. We are celestial beings trying desperately to make sense of celestial principles in a telestial world. Many times when I have
thought what my future would hold if I were to submit to the attraction and seek a homosexual relationship, I stop and think, "No, I was made for so much more than
that." Though I do believe that a measure of happiness and fulfillment could be found in such a relationship, as I contemplate the glorious doctrines of the Restoration, I
know that I do not want to settle for anything less than living true to my eternal self and the eternal joy promised to those who endure in Christ.

A powerful principle taught by Elder Neal A. Maxwell gave me some perspective once when I was feeling desperate and praying that the Lord would take away my
challenge. Elder Maxwell said: "We may at times, if we are not careful, try to pray away pain or what seems like an impending tragedy, but which is, in reality, an
opportunity. We must do as Jesus did in that respect-also preface our prayers by saying, 'If it be possible,' let the trial pass from us-by saying, 'Nevertheless, not as I
will, but as thou wilt,' and bowing in a sense of serenity to our Father in Heaven's wisdom, because at times God will not be able to let us pass by a trial or a challenge.
If we were allowed to bypass certain trials, everything that had gone on up to that moment in our lives would be wiped out. It is because he loves us that at times he will
not intercede as we may wish him to. That, too, we learn from Gethsemane and from Calvary." (Neal A. Maxwell, Neal A. Maxwell Quote Book, 261.)

Paul's response to his particular "thorn in the flesh" (2 Corinthians 12:7) is reminiscent of the more general principle spoken by the Lord to Moroni: "And if men come
unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before
me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Ether 12:27).

The Lord said to Paul: "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Paul, with an increased vision and sense of purpose, proclaimed:
"Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in
necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong" ( 2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

Some do refer to same-gender attraction as their "weakness," as if it were some kind of spiritual illness, often quoting the words of Moroni about the Lord giving "men
weakness that they may be humble" (Ether 12:27). But to refer to same-gender attraction as a "weakness" can be misguided. Our challenges and our temptations are
not what should be considered "weak," for it is through challenge and opposition that we are made strong-if we will turn to Christ and to the power and grace He offers
through His atoning sacrifice. Our challenges simply reveal unto us our true weaknesses or spiritual illnesses-the doubt and fear of putting our lives completely in the
Lord's hands-and the weakness of faith in God that would allow us to submit to whatever challenges or temptations beset us. Christ was tempted, and He had
challenges, but He was never weak.

The "weakness" that Moroni was speaking about is the natural limitations in strength, knowledge, and power imposed upon us by the Fall. But as we acknowledge
these limitations in contrast to God's infinite wisdom and power, we will then depend more upon the power of God than on the "arm of flesh" (Nephi 4:34). Challenge
and hardship are often given to us or allowed by God, for it is through them that we can learn the eternal principles of faith and putting the Lord first in all things (see
Mosiah 1:17; Helaman 12:3; Psalm 78:34-35). The natural weaknesses of strength, knowledge and power that accompanied the Fall are made strong through our
coming to Christ in humility. His grace and the blood of His atonement transform our souls, buoy up our spirits, and strengthen and spiritually enlarge us above our
natural abilities.

It seems likewise misguided to refer to same-gender attraction as a "problem." The biggest problem is not in our attractions or challenges or temptations themselves but
rather in how we respond to them. The "problem" associated with same-gender attraction is in the misunderstanding, cynicism, bigotry, fear, prejudice, and often hatred
generally associated with it. And homophobia is not limited to those who do not experience this attraction. Many of those who experience the attraction are scared to
death of it or what it may imply for them in their life, and they often hate both the attraction and themselves for having it. The problem concerning same-gender
attraction or any other challenge we face here in mortality is when we forget that we are the literal children of a literal Father in Heaven who sent us to earth for a
purpose; it is when we forget that there is divine purpose to our trials and that God loves us, has promised eternal victory, and sent His Only Begotten Son so that we
might be redeemed and regenerated through faith in His holy Name.

An example of misunderstanding that is often associated with our challenges is the biblical story of the blind man, of whom Jesus spoke to his disciples. In His day,
blindness was thought to be caused by sin. So, when Jesus passed by a blind man who had been blind since birth, His disciples asked Christ, "Master, who did sin, this
man, or his parents, that he was born blind?" (John 9:1-2).

Wondering why same-gender attraction exists is like wondering why the blind man in the New Testament had to be blind. Christ told them that "neither hath this man
sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him." (John 9:3). What greater way for works of God to be manifest than through the
healing and strength He can provide? Whether or not that blindness-or our attraction-is healed in mortality is of little importance, but allowing our challenges to turn us
to Christ so that our spiritual blindness and misunderstanding can be healed is imperative. The strength gained through Him then gives purpose to our pain and
empowers us to further the cause of Christ-to contribute to the "body of Christ," His Church and kingdom.

My understanding that mortality was meant to be a proving ground gives purpose to my experience, but it doesn't necessarily make the experience any less challenging,
and it certainly does not take away the pain or loneliness that often comes with it. Elder Maxwell taught: "Knowing that one is in the midst of a testing time does not
make the test any less real. The disciple is not able to wink slyly, as if he could cope with one hand tied behind him. His teeth rattle, too. It's 'all out' for everybody, and
then we scarcely make it. The temptations of Jesus were terrifyingly real even though he did not yield. The difference is that those who are (or who will become) Saints
reach breaking points without breaking." (Neal A. Maxwell, Deposition of a Disciple, 52.)

I used to hate the fact that I experience this attraction. I hated the feeling of not being "normal." I hated playing a social role that didn't feel natural and living in continual
fear that others would suspect and begin to see through my faï¿½ade. I still often get frustrated and sometimes discouraged with this challenge, but I have learned not to
hate it. So much good has come into my life because of it. Nothing in my life has ever driven me so quickly to my knees and into the scriptures to seek the knowledge
and will and love of the Lord. I attribute the depth of my commitment to the Lord and my will to seek His will to this challenge. I attribute my understanding of the
Savior's atoning sacrifice to the tears that have driven me to seek His mind and Spirit.
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It is a challenge, but like any of the challenges that we knew we would experience when we came to mortality, I strive to say with Caleb, "Give me this mountain!"
When Israel was first commanded to possess the promised land and to overcome formidable obstacles to do so, most of the party that went with Caleb to search out
the land "made the heart of the people melt" as they faithlessly focused on the seemingly overwhelming odds (Joshua 14:8). They gave Moses and the people "an evil
fear that others would suspect and begin to see through my faï¿½ade. I still often get frustrated and sometimes discouraged with this challenge, but I have learned not to
hate it. So much good has come into my life because of it. Nothing in my life has ever driven me so quickly to my knees and into the scriptures to seek the knowledge
and will and love of the Lord. I attribute the depth of my commitment to the Lord and my will to seek His will to this challenge. I attribute my understanding of the
Savior's atoning sacrifice to the tears that have driven me to seek His mind and Spirit.

It is a challenge, but like any of the challenges that we knew we would experience when we came to mortality, I strive to say with Caleb, "Give me this mountain!"
When Israel was first commanded to possess the promised land and to overcome formidable obstacles to do so, most of the party that went with Caleb to search out
the land "made the heart of the people melt" as they faithlessly focused on the seemingly overwhelming odds (Joshua 14:8). They gave Moses and the people "an evil
report of the land," saying, "We be not able to go up against the people; for they are stronger than we. The land . . . is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and
all the people that we saw in it are men of great stature" (Numbers 13:31-32).

Then Caleb humbly and courageously stepped forward. With what the Lord called "another spirit," he gave an account of the journey and their challenges that was
quite different from that of his fellow Israelites. "Let us go up at once," he bravely declared, "and possess it; for we are well able to overcome it. . . . The land, which we
passed through to search it, is an exceeding good land. If the Lord delights in us, then he will bring us into this land, and give it us; a land which floweth with milk and
honey. Only rebel not ye against the Lord, neither fear ye the people of the land; for . . . the Lord is with us: fear them not" (Numbers 13:30; 14:8-9).

Some forty-five years later, Caleb had become an eighty-five-year-old man and Israel was again brought to the borders of the promised land and commanded to
possess it. What had changed was that a new, faithful generation was now led by Joshua. The challenges ahead were as daunting as ever before-the people of Anak
still possessed the land and were as large and numberless as they had previously been-but Caleb, even in his old age, was as courageous and faithful as he had been
years earlier. He was willing to fearlessly confront all that the Lord would ask. Caleb said, "As yet I am as strong this day as I was in the day that Moses sent me: as my
strength was then, even so is my strength now." Then came the valiant declaration by this humble disciple of the Lord that has over the years been deeply impressed
upon my heart and which I have tried to remember as I have been coming to terms with the challenge in my life-"Give me this mountain!" (Joshua 14:11-12).

President Spencer W. Kimball commented: "From Caleb's example we learn a very important lesson. Just as Caleb had to struggle and remain true and faithful to gain
his inheritance, so we must remember that, while the Lord has promised us a place in His kingdom, we must ever strive constantly and faithfully so as to be worthy to
receive the reward" (Spencer W. Kimball, "Give Me This Mountain," Ensign, November 1979)

Serving for two years as a missionary for the Church, I daily taught people the importance of faith and commitment and eternal vision. Now the Lord is giving me an
opportunity to put my life where my mouth was. He is allowing me to experience something that is forcing me to internalize principles to which I gave only lip service for
much of my life. With all that I've learned about myself, the world, the gospel, the Atonement of my Savior, and my Heavenly Father through this experience, I know
that if I continue to be true to the things I have learned, I will be saved with Him in His kingdom. I have also come to feel that on some level my salvation will come not
in spite of this challenge but rather because of it. And I will be forever grateful for all that the Lord has allowed me to experience in mortality that will prepare me to live
with Him again and become as He is.

, Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, "Several years ago in the midst of Leukemia, I was doing some pensive pondering, and these 13 instructive and reassuring words came
into my mind: 'I have given you Leukemia that you might teach my people with authenticity.'"[Z: check with NAM bio and verify] How could we teach the principle of
faith if our own faith was never tried and exercised? How could we teach someone about the importance and power of resisting temptation if we have always given in?
How could we teach the blessings of living the law of tithing or the law of chastity with power of the Spirit if we are not currently living them? In the words or Paul,
"Thou therefore which teachest another, teachest thou not thyself? Thou that preachest a man should not steal, dost thou steal?" (Romans 2:21).

Because I no longer hate this challenge, I can now view it for what it is: a tremendous challenge-and an opportunity. It does not determine my destiny. Latter-day
Saints, more than any other people, have reason to rejoice because we have the peace and assurance that our adversity and afflictions "shall be but a small moment"
and that eternal glory and joy with our Father in Heaven are awaiting those who endure in hope and faith (D&C 121:7). The peace we can have in times of trial comes
because of perspective we can have that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, eternal victory over pain and sorrow is assured. The peace we can have here in this
fallen world is His peace, promised through the Comforter. He told His apostles: "But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost . . . he shall teach you all things, and
bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let
not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid" (John 14:26-27).

The familiar words ring, "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10; D&C 101:16). But even though a measure of joy and happiness and a sense of overcoming
can be ours in this life, the fulness of joy is reserved for the next estate, when spirit and body are reunited in the resurrection (D&C 93:33). "Wherefore, fear not even
unto death," the Redeemer declared, "for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full" (D&C 101:36).

In the New World, Samuel the Lamanite prophesied that a sign would accompany the Savior's birth: "There shall be one day and a night and a day, as if it were one
day and there were no night. . . . ye shall know of the rising of the sun and also of its setting; therefore they shall know of a surety that there shall be two days and a
night; nevertheless the night shall not be darkened" (Helaman 14:4). Such is also the sign of the coming of God into the individual life of each one of His children. There
will be times when the natural laws and the voice of the world declare that the pain of trials, challenges, or tragedy should be accompanied by darkness, but the promise
of the gospel of Christ-the "good news"-is that when we allow the Savior and His peace and perspective and Spirit into our lives, the sun will go down but it will be "as
if . . . there were no night" (Helaman 14:4). Again, our Redeemer emphasizes, "My peace I give . . . not as the world giveth" (Helaman 14:4).

"Victory through Our Lord Jesus Christ"

Life is hard, and our challenges may often seem unbearable, but I'm grateful for the testimony that the adversity and affliction we experience here on earth is only
temporary. I am grateful for the hope that I will then "with great mercies" (Isaiah 54:7) be gathered into the embrace of a loving Father and Savior who will say, "Well
done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord" (Matthew
25:21). As the apostle Paul declared, "Thanks be to God, [who] giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Corinthians 15:57).

A professor at Brigham Young University told a story that illustrates the power and peace that come of knowing that eternal victory is assured through Jesus Christ. "A
few years ago," he said, "before the time that all BYU games were televised live, I landed at the Salt Lake airport just as a BYU 'away' game was concluding. I rushed
around the terminal until I finally found someone who could assure me that we had won, although by a very close score. That evening, after returning to Provo, I went
downstairs to watch the replay of the game on KBYU. My demeanor was amazingly serene. When we fumbled or had a pass intercepted, I hardly reacted. My wife
could even let our children get around me. Usually I feel obligated to help my brethren in striped shirts by pointing out their errors in judgment. Because my seats are on
row 25, such correction often requires a rather high decibel level. This loudness has carried over to watching football on television. But on that day I remained
absolutely calm, even when I had the benefit of instant replay to verify my claim that their defensive back clearly arrived early and that the ground had obviously caused
our running back to lose the ball. I was a veritable model of football decorum, never becoming unduly upset or ill behaved.

"The cause of my improved behavior was obvious: I already knew the outcome of the game-BYU would win. It is amazing how that knowledge changes things:
cornerbacks can get beat, running backs can fumble, linebackers can miss tackles, offensive guards can blow blocking assignments, and other things can go wrong. But
when  we know
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"We also know the final score for the history of this world and for the life of the righteous. The Lord and his people will triumph. It is true that the sorrows of this world
and the strength of Satan's forces will win a number of the skirmishes. Satan and his followers, as well as the natural circumstances of mortal life, will inflict many bruises
our running back to lose the ball. I was a veritable model of football decorum, never becoming unduly upset or ill behaved.

"The cause of my improved behavior was obvious: I already knew the outcome of the game-BYU would win. It is amazing how that knowledge changes things:
cornerbacks can get beat, running backs can fumble, linebackers can miss tackles, offensive guards can blow blocking assignments, and other things can go wrong. But
when we know the final score, such things can be endured and sometimes even ignored.

"We also know the final score for the history of this world and for the life of the righteous. The Lord and his people will triumph. It is true that the sorrows of this world
and the strength of Satan's forces will win a number of the skirmishes. Satan and his followers, as well as the natural circumstances of mortal life, will inflict many bruises
and win many battles. But God, who knows the end from the beginning, has promised that those who serve him will receive the fullness of his blessings. When we
realize that righteous living puts us on the winning side, we can learn to trust him during trying times." (Todd A. Britsch, "Trusting God When Things Go Wrong," BYU
Speeches 1997-98, 30.)

The game is fixed! But while we know Who will conquer in the end, we are still individually responsible to decide what color jersey we will be wearing. The Lord has
indeed promised victory and that His people will be preserved (Moses 7:61), but He has never promised that the faithful will be spared pain or suffering. What He has
done, however, is to give us vision and perspective that would give purpose to the pain, glory to the grief, and joy to the sorrow.

Concerning the perplexing cohabitation of both sorrow and joy in our lives, I was intrigued by the words of Lehi to Jacob, his "firstborn in the wilderness." Just before
he died, Lehi said to Jacob, "In thy childhood thou hast suffered afflictions and much sorrow . . . nevertheless . . . thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall
consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain. Wherefore, thy soul shall be blessed . . . and thy days shall be spent in the service of thy God" (Nephi 2:1-3). [chk punct around
ellipses]

Years later, as Jacob closed his record, the sense of sorrow he had experienced in his life is readily apparent. He reflected, "Our lives passed away like as it were unto
us a dream, we being a lonesome and a solemn people, wanderers, cast out from Jerusalem, born in tribulation, in a wilderness, and hated of our brethren, which
caused wars and contentions; wherefore, we did mourn out our days" (Jacob 7:26). It is most intriguing that even though Jacob had suffered much throughout his life,
when his son, Enos, was having struggles of his own, all he recalled were "the words which [he] had often heard [his] father speak concerning eternal life, and the joy of
the saints," and they "sunk deep into [his] heart" (Enos 1:3; italics added). [dbl chk scrip]

Because of the victory we are promised through Christ's Atonement, some of the things we may see as obstacles to happiness here in mortality may be seen through
eternal eyes that offer hope and perspective. For some, it is crucial to maintain vision and perspective concerning the principle of eternal marriage. I still hope and
expect that I will marry in this life-and I am striving to prepare for that potential blessing. But whether that blessing is realized or not, I also have hope and have found
peace in the idea that whether the eternal family ideal becomes a mortal reality for me, no blessing will be denied me if I am faithful to Christ and true to the covenants I
have made in the temple.

Because of the Atonement, the plan of salvation provides a place for those who do not have the opportunity for marriage, regardless of their circumstances. Isaiah
proclaimed: "Neither let the eunuch say, Behold, I am a dry tree. For thus saith the Lord unto the eunuchs that keep my sabbaths, and choose the things that please me,
and take hold of my covenant; even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters: I will give them an
everlasting name, that shall not be cut off. . . . Even them will I bring to my holy mountain, and make them joyful in my house of prayer: their burnt offerings and their
sacrifices shall be accepted upon mine altar; for mine house shall be called an house of prayer for all people" (Isaiah 56:3-7).

A eunuch is an emasculated man who is, consequently, unable to have children. Isaiah uses the eunuch as a symbol of anyone-male or female-whom for one reason or
another is not able to marry in the covenant and is "dry" in mortality. Keeping the Sabbath holy is symbolic of keeping the whole law of the covenant, so if they are
faithful and "take hold of [His] covenant" [need cite]-referring to the same covenant made with Abraham-they are entitled to every blessing promised to the faithful in
the eternities, symbolized by the eunuch entering the temple. The Lord promises "a hand and a name" [need cite]-important parts of the temple covenants-to all those
who come into his house and offer themselves as an offering before the Lord. (See Donald W. Parry, Jay A. Parry, and Tina M. Peterson, Understanding Isaiah, 497.)
[need to find where quotation begins; dbl chk]

"He Is Able"

Even though we must experience a small portion of the burden He felt in order to better understand the power of Christ and His Atonement, He has also promised He
would bear our burden with us. In connection with the principles of sacrifice and laying our "whole souls as an offering unto him" (Omni 1:16), I have often felt
overwhelmed at how much of my heart I have yet to place on that altar. But I also know that I must learn to declare with Ammon, "I know that I am nothing; as to my
strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things" (Alma 26:12). I know that there is an enabling
power in Christ to help us to do that which we of our own strength could not. I know that is true because I've felt it-I've experienced it. I have felt that enabling power
most distinctly when I have been the most worthy of the guiding companionship of His Holy Spirit.

I suspect from my own experience with the gospel that many are more familiar with the redeeming power of the Atonement than we are with its enabling power. It is
one thing to know that Jesus Christ came to earth to die for us. It is quite another thing to know that the Lord desires, through His Atonement and by the power of the
Holy Ghost, to live in us-not only to cleanse and to direct us but also to empower us. The Savior has paid the price and made it possible for us to be made clean from
sin through His redeeming power. We know the Atonement is for sinners, but we may not fully understand that the Atonement is also for saints-for good men and
women who, despite challenges, temptations, or attractions, continue striving to be obedient and worthy and to serve more faithfully. We may mistakenly believe we
must make the journey to "goodness" all by ourselves, through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline with our obviously limited capacities.

Neither full spiritual redemption nor full spiritual empowerment can be accomplished by ourselves alone. We need the help of the Master. Elder Dallin H. Oaks said: "A
person who sins is like a tree that bends easily in the wind. On a windy and rainy day the tree may bend so deeply against the ground that the leaves became soiled with
mud, like sin. If we only focus on cleaning the leaves, the weakness in the tree that allowed it to bend and soil its leaves may remain. Merely cleaning the leaves does
not strengthen the tree. Similarly, a person who is merely sorry to be soiled by sin will sin again in the next high wind. The susceptibility to repetition will continue until
the tree has been strengthened." (Dallin H. Oaks, The Lord's Way, 225-26) [Z: chk to see whether something omitted from quotation]

With enough determination, we may be able to change our behavior and clean some of the leaves of our fallen lives and world, but only Christ can cleanse our eternal
stain and change our eternal nature into one that is godlike and holy. President Ezra Taft Benson observed: "The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from
the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would
mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change
human nature." (Ezra Taft Benson, "Born of God," Ensign, November 1985.)

The trial I experience has helped me to know myself better because I've had to search more deeply to discover what I truly believe. President Hugh B. Brown, in
answering the question of why Abraham was asked to "offer as a sacrifice his only hope for the promised posterity," said: "Abraham needed to learn something about
Abraham." (Truman G. Madsen, Joseph Smith the Prophet, 92.) Knowledge about ourselves gained through trials puts our relationship with Him on a higher plane, and
our "confidence"
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                                                presence of God" (D&C 121:45). That type of confidence is gained only when we have learned to exercise complete
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and trust in Christ and we have proven what the deepest yearnings of our hearts and souls really are.

Job had such confidence when he had been tried and had his heartstrings wrenched, and he withstood those who accused him of unrighteousness. "Hold your peace,"
The trial I experience has helped me to know myself better because I've had to search more deeply to discover what I truly believe. President Hugh B. Brown, in
answering the question of why Abraham was asked to "offer as a sacrifice his only hope for the promised posterity," said: "Abraham needed to learn something about
Abraham." (Truman G. Madsen, Joseph Smith the Prophet, 92.) Knowledge about ourselves gained through trials puts our relationship with Him on a higher plane, and
our "confidence" begins to "wax strong in the presence of God" (D&C 121:45). That type of confidence is gained only when we have learned to exercise complete faith
and trust in Christ and we have proven what the deepest yearnings of our hearts and souls really are.

Job had such confidence when he had been tried and had his heartstrings wrenched, and he withstood those who accused him of unrighteousness. "Hold your peace,"
he declared, "let me alone, that I may speak, and let come on me what will. . . . Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him. . . . He also shall be my salvation: for an
hypocrite shall not come before him. Hear diligently my speech, and my declaration with your ears. Behold now, I have ordered my cause; I know that I shall be
justified" (Job 13:13-18). He confirmed, "He knoweth the way that I take; when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold" (Job 23:10). Through his trials Job learned
to trust in the Lord regardless of the trials he experienced. Through personal tragedy he learned the power of the Lord's Atonement and gained the will to submit.

Whatever thorn in the flesh Paul struggled with, it kept him humble and brought him to his knees. Robert Millet commented that Paul's "inabilities and his impotence in
the face of this particular challenge were ever before him," and even though his requested release never came, "another kind of blessing came-a closeness, a sensitivity,
an acquaintance with Deity, a sanctified strength that came through pain and suffering. It was up against the wall of faith, when shorn of self-assurance and naked in his
extremity and his frightening finitude, that a mere mortal received that enabling power we know as the grace of Christ." (Robert L. Millet, "Healing Our Wounded
Souls." Professor Millet is a former Dean of Religious Education at BYU, and this address was delivered at the 2000 Evergreen International Conference Fireside at
the Joseph Smith Memorial Building in Salt Lake City. (no date given-probably Sep. 15 or 16, 2000)

"When in situations of stress we wonder if there is any more in us to give," said Elder Neal A. Maxwell. "We can be comforted to know that God, who knows our
capacity perfectly, placed us here to succeed. No one was foreordained to fail or to be wicked. When we have been weighed and found wanting, let us remember that
we were measured before and we were found equal to our tasks; and, therefore, let us continue, but with a more determined discipleship. When we feel overwhelmed,
let us recall the assurance that God will not over-program us; he will not press upon us more than we can bear." (Neal A. Maxwell, "A More Determined Discipleship,"
Ensign, February 1979.) Christ has promised that His enabling power will give us strength to conquer whatever Goliaths may try to overpower us.

In a similar vein Elder Howard W. Hunter reminded us that "whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to
lay his hands on the family, it lives." (Howard W. Hunter, "Reading the Scriptures," Ensign, November 1979.) The hand of the Master empowers and gives life to all it
is allowed to touch. I believe that to more deeply understand the Atonement, we must, as Elder Packer stated, go "to the edge of the light and step into the darkness to
discover that the way is lighted ahead for just a footstep or two." (Boyd K. Packer, "The Candle of the Lord," Ensign, January 1983.) We can never understand the
power of redemption until we allow Christ to be our Savior and have the faith to do His will. And we must recognize that we cannot do it alone, nor must we try to do
it alone. An analogy I heard after I started honestly trying to understand my attractions was really enlightening to me:

"Perhaps . . . a key to greater self-control is not working harder but working smarter. Rather than trying to force ourselves along (white-knuckled willpower), our first
goal should be to tap into the natural flow of the will of God. Then we can let that flow carry us along to where he wants us to be. When it comes to changing our lives,
our energy is often better spent in setting the sail than in rowing the boat.

"Throughout our days, we spend most of our effort on rowing the sailboat of our lives. We spend our energy on this concern and that, worrying, working, and trying to
control. In the frantic midst of all our doing, we would do well to stop rowing and instead set the sail to pick up the winds of God's power.

"How? By learning his will, and then being submissive to it. By letting his power have place in us. By letting him do his work in us, rather than keeping him out while we
try to do it ourselves.

"When we try to conquer the problems of our lives through willpower alone, we're essentially trying to be our own saviors. When we set our sail in Christ, allowing his
blessings, power, and grace to come to us, we're turning to him and letting him be our Savior.

"Putting God and his will first in our lives. Letting his power direct and guide and bless us. That is setting the sail. And that's the true path to lasting and divine
change." (A. Dean Byrd and Mark D. Chamberlain, Willpower Is Not Enough: Why We Don't Succeed at Change, 13.)

Knowing that Christ is my redeemer, that He understands my pain and has allowed me to have the trials I have for a reason, has given me strength. It has forced me to
turn to Him-to know Him better-and it has given purpose to my pain. I've felt the enabling power of his Atonement when I have set my sail in his will rather than trying
to "white knuckle" my challenge and row myself. "The things which are impossible with men are possible with God" (Luke 18:27). I am realizing how important it is for
me to remember that-like everyone else-I'm a fallen being who cannot do it by myself as much as I may try or wish I could. To the degree that I try to do it alone, I will
fail and fall again and again. The gospel-the "good news"-is that "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (Philippians 4:13).

"O the Wisdom of God, His Mercy and Grace!"

The experience with same-gender attraction is different for everyone. Some live quietly with confidence in the Lord as they submit faithfully to His will and carry their
individual crosses. Others, perhaps with less confidence or understanding, have tried to "white knuckle" it, never allowing those feelings to have expression. And still
others have either experimented or given in completely to their attraction and have chosen to live life accordingly. The range of experience is wide, and the pain of the
required repentance often deep, but the Good Shepherd calls, and for those willing to heed, there is power through the Atonement both to enable repentance and to
forgive. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, "Considering the incomprehensible cost of the crucifixion, Christ is not going to turn His back on us now." (Jeffrey R. Holland,
"'Come Unto Me,'" Ensign, April 1998, 19.)

Even for those whose lives have been enmeshed in homosexual activity, the Lord's mercy is boundless when there is repentance. Elder Boyd K. Packer taught, "The
deceiver preys upon some passion or tendency or weakness. He convinces them that the condition cannot be changed and recruits them for activities for which they
never would volunteer. But sooner or later that spark of divinity in each of them will ignite. They can assert their agency as sons and daughters created in the image of
God and renounce the destroyer. That which they had been led to believe could not be changed, will be changed, and they will feel the power of the redemption of
Christ. Their burden will be lifted and the pain healed up. That is what the Atonement of Christ is all about. They can claim their inheritance as children of heavenly
parents and, despite the tortured, agonizing test of mortal life, know that they are not lost." (Boyd K. Packer, "The Standard of Truth Has Been Erected," Ensign,
November 2003)

The Lord Himself pleaded, "I will be merciful unto them . . . if they will repent and come unto me; for mine arm is lengthened out all the day long, saith the Lord God of
Hosts." (Nephi 28:32)

Isaiah uttered prophetic words that would find fulfillment in the mortal ministry of Jesus: "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to
preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are
bound;  to proclaim
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                                               Lord, . . . to comfort all that mourn. To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beautyPage
                                                                                                                                                        for ashes,
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                                                                                                                                                                       oil
of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness" (Isaiah 61:1-3; italics added; compare Luke 4:18-19.)

"Jesus Christ came to bring beauty for ashes," Professor Millet said, "to replace distress with comfort, worry with peace, turmoil with rest. The Good Shepherd came .
Hosts." (Nephi 28:32)

Isaiah uttered prophetic words that would find fulfillment in the mortal ministry of Jesus: "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to
preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are
bound; to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, . . . to comfort all that mourn. To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil
of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness" (Isaiah 61:1-3; italics added; compare Luke 4:18-19.)

"Jesus Christ came to bring beauty for ashes," Professor Millet said, "to replace distress with comfort, worry with peace, turmoil with rest. The Good Shepherd came .
. . to right all the terrible wrongs of this life, to fix the unfixable, to repair the irreparable. He came to heal us by his tender touch, to still the storms of our startled hearts.
Again, he came to replace ashes with beauty . . . Each one of us needs to know-needs the conviction, deep down in our souls-that our Master is not an absentee
Landlord, not a distant Deity. He is 'touched with the feeling of our infirmities' (Hebrews 4:15), knows from firsthand experience all about our pains, our afflictions, our
temptations (Alma 7:11-12), and thereby understands 'the weakness of man and how to succor them who are tempted' (D&C 62:1). He has not, as the deists
proposed centuries ago, wound up the world clock and left it to run on its own. Rather, he is intimately involved in saving and succoring-literally, running to help-those
who call upon him and learn to trust in his mighty arm. Indeed, our God's infinity does not preclude either his immediacy or his intimacy. As Enoch the seer learned,
when we need God, when we reach out to him, he is there, his bosom is there; he is just and merciful and kind forever (Moses 7:30)." (Millet, "God and Human
Tragedy.")

There have often been times when I have wanted to cry along with Nephi, "O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth
because of mine iniquities" (Nephi 4:17). But God in His mercy has guided me and helped me to understand more fully the mysteries of His love and grace. I've felt His
grace and the forgiving influence of His love when justice should have had its claim. He is changing my heart and giving me the desire to become something more than I
am. He is giving me strength to continue progressing toward Eternal Life with Him. And He alone knows where I would be without the "good news" of His Son guiding
my life and choices.

My eyes fill with tears when I ponder the mercy and love He has shown me, despite some of my rebellious choices. His Atonement has made it possible for me to be
redeemed, and if I continue faithful, it will enable me to remain strong no matter what challenges lie ahead. He works with us as we seek to be guided by Him. He
knows us better than we know ourselves. His righteousness is our righteousness; His strength is our strength; His grace is our grace. We are not our own, and we are
not on our own. Eventually, as he continually and patiently works with us, our faith and spiritual growth will be such that we can be "perfect even as [He], or [our]
Father who is in heaven is perfect" (Nephi 12:48). [which book?]

In the meantime, all He asks is our heart and our desire. We can obtain perfection in mortality only in His perfection as we strive to remain worthy of His Spirit. As He
told the Nephites, "Blessed are they who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled with the Holy Ghost." He did not say, "Blessed are the perfect" or
"Blessed are those who desire to become 'good people' . . ." or "Blessed are the married" or "Blessed are they who have reached the ideal level of heterosexual
attraction . . ." As long as we are hungering and thirsting-and to the degree that we are hungering and thirsting-after Christ and His righteousness, we will be filled with
His Spirit, and our salvation in His righteousness is secure.

Stephen E. Robinson, a Brigham Young University professor, shared a touching story of what the love and mercy and patient workings of the Lord can do with even
the roughest of His children who are humble and who hunger and thirst after His righteousness. Initially one of the roughest people he had ever known, a woman he
knew had been "abused as a child," he said. "She had run away from home and had lived on the streets for years. As a young woman, she traveled around the country
with a motorcycle gang. In late middle age, her beauty gone, she spent most of her time in a pub, where some missionaries met her when they went in to get change for
a pay phone outside. When she was baptized, many of the members worried that her conversion wouldn't last, and there were good reasons to suspect it might not.

"For a long time after her baptism, this sister still swore like a trooper, even in church, and never quite lived the Word of Wisdom one hundred percent. On one
occasion during her first year in the Church, she lost her temper during a Relief Society meeting and punched out one of the other sisters. Her ex-husband is an
alcoholic, and her children have all spent time in jail.

"Now the question before us is whether someone like this can seriously expect to be saved. What hope does a person like this, with all her faults and weaknesses,
really have? With her background and problems, why bother coming to church at all?

"'Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.' God does not lie. Whoever will come, may
come. All are invited; none is excluded. Though this sister had further to travel than most, the same covenant was offered to her: 'Do all you can. I will do the rest while
you learn how.' And she was as faithful as she could be under her circumstances. She never said, 'No, I won't,' or 'Get off my back,' or 'Why talk to me? Talk to him,
he started it.' She always said, 'I know; I'm sorry. I'll try to do better.' Then she would try to do better. Often she would fail, but little by little over the years, she
improved a great deal. First she gave up coffee, tea, and alcohol. Then she stopped swearing. Later she overcame smoking and got her temper somewhat under
control. Finally, after she'd been in the Church many years, she was ready to go to the temple. Can such a person really expect to inherit the kingdom of God? Of
course.

"But now the harder question. At what point did this sister become a candidate for the kingdom? Was it when she finally gave up cigarettes, or when she got her
language and temper under control? Or was it when she finally qualified for a temple recommend? No. It was none of these, though they were all important landmarks
in her progress. She was justified through her faith in Jesus Christ on the day that she repented of her sins, was baptized, and received the gift of the Holy Ghost, for she
entered into that covenant in good faith and in all sincerity. She believed in Christ, and she believed Christ. Like the widow with her mite, she gave all she had and held
nothing back. It may not have been much, but it was everything.

"Every week she took the sacrament, having repented of her mistakes and resolving again to eliminate them. Some things took years to overcome. Other things perhaps
haven't been overcome yet, but she still tries, and she won't give up. And as long as she won't give up but endures to the end in the gospel harness, pulling toward the
Kingdom, her reward is sure. God knows our circumstances, and he judges us accordingly. He knows who is standing in a hole and who is standing on a chair, and he
does not just measure height-he measures growth." (Stephen E. Robinson, Believing Christ: The Parable of the Bicycle and Other Good News, 95-97.)

The redeeming and enabling power that comes through the Atonement-and the forgiveness that washes over us in its wake-is truly a miracle. "And one of the elders
answered, saying unto me, What are these [people who] are arrayed in white robes? And whence came they? And I said unto him, Sir, thou knowest. And he said to
me, These are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. Therefore are they before the
throne of God, and serve him day and night in his temple: and he that sitteth on the throne shall dwell among them. They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more;
neither shall the sun light on them, nor any heat. For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and
God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes" (Revelation 7:13-17).

Son of Man or Son of God?

When he was "caught up into an exceedingly high mount," Moses saw God "face to face." The Lord appeared and "the glory of God was upon Moses; therefore
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                                              called him by name and showed him visions of eternity. When he heard the Lord say to him, "I am the Lord God36. ./. and
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thou art my son" (Moses 1:1-2, 4; Exodus 33:11), Moses saw his relationship to the Almighty with new understanding. He knew who he really was! He had vision!
Then when the "presence of God withdrew from Moses, that his glory was not upon [him]," [Z: chk brack word] Moses was "left unto himself . . . [and] he fell unto the
Son of Man or Son of God?

When he was "caught up into an exceedingly high mount," Moses saw God "face to face." The Lord appeared and "the glory of God was upon Moses; therefore
Moses could endure his presence." The Lord called him by name and showed him visions of eternity. When he heard the Lord say to him, "I am the Lord God . . . and
thou art my son" (Moses 1:1-2, 4; Exodus 33:11), Moses saw his relationship to the Almighty with new understanding. He knew who he really was! He had vision!
Then when the "presence of God withdrew from Moses, that his glory was not upon [him]," [Z: chk brack word] Moses was "left unto himself . . . [and] he fell unto the
earth. And it came to pass that it was for the space of many hours before Moses did again receive his natural strength like unto man; and he said unto himself: Now, for
this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed" (Moses 1:9-10).

This understanding of his personal relationship to God, along with feeling of His power, must have been a profound realization for a man who had been raised amongst
the heathen gods of Egypt. We know he was affected deeply, for when Satan appeared soon afterward, saying, "Moses, son of man, worship me," Moses' reply was
simply, "Who art thou, for I am a son of God. . . . Where is thy glory, that I should worship thee? For behold, I could not look upon God, except his glory should come
upon me, and I were transfigured before him. But I can look upon thee in the natural man. . . . Get thee hence, Satan; deceive me not" (Moses 1:13-14, 16)
Understanding both the power of God and the nature of his relationship with Him inspired within Moses the desire to worship the Father, the faith to follow His Only
Begotten Son, and the strength to withstand the enticements of the adversary.

The Spirit of Worship

As I have slowly gained my own testimony of the gospel and become converted to truths learned by the Spirit, I have started paying closer attention to individuals in the
scriptures whom I admire for their dedication as disciples of God and whom I honor for their depth of worship-men such as Nephi, son of Helaman, who "with
unwearyingness declared the word" and who did "not s[eek] [his] own life," [Z: chk brack words] men whose faith in the Lord was so strong that they would "not ask
that which is contrary to [his] will" (Helaman 10:4-5). At least two common threads link valiant disciples such as Nephi. Even those who did not speak of them directly
evidenced their understanding of them in their reverence for God and their worship of Him. The first is their understanding of the glory, the power, and the goodness of
God, just as Moses had felt. The second is the naturally resulting understanding of their own nothingness in comparison to Him-as Moses had also felt-that led them to
their reverence for God and their steadfastly obedient worship of Him.

When the brother of Jared knelt before the Lord in prayer, he humbly acknowledged, "We know that thou art holy and dwellest in the heavens, and that we are
unworthy before thee; because of the fall our natures have become evil continually; nevertheless, O Lord, thou hast given us a commandment that we must call upon
thee, that from thee we may receive according to our desires" (Ether 3:2; italics added).

Generations later, King Benjamin taught his people: "As ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of
his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always
retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves
even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come" (Mosiah 4:11; italics added).

Their humility before God and their calling upon Him daily were the foundation of their discipleship. Interestingly, understanding of these two principles almost always
comes in that order. It is important to understand the great distinction between acknowledging our nothingness before the omnipotent, omniscient Almighty God and
feeling worthless. It was not a lack of confidence in themselves, low self-esteem, or feelings of worthlessness-for "the worth of souls is great in the sight of God" (D&C
18:10)-that led them finally to submit to His will. Rather, it was their perceiving His goodness and power, and seeing their own nature in comparison, that led them to
worship as they did.

The tiny acorn is nothing compared to the great oak, but within that acorn is the DNA to become just like its parent, if it is given the proper nourishment and
atmosphere in which to grow. Even though we may only have begun to understand the power of God and our potential as His offspring, we are still "gods in embryo,"
with "unlimited potential for progress and attainment." (Ezra Taft Benson, The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, 21.) Small as my own understanding may be, it has given
me hope and a sense of worth. It has given me strength and the desire to choose discipleship of Christ over submission to my attractions. I have since come to
understand that on some level gospel understanding, righteousness, and having the Spirit do not necessarily change the nature of attraction for those with homosexual
attractions any more than it does for those with heterosexual attractions. Although my feelings of attraction have not diminished with increased understanding of the
power and glory and goodness of God and my own comparative nothingness, this new understanding has changed the way I view and manage those attractions, and it
has fueled the passion with which I worship my Father in Heaven and seek His righteousness.

"The Glory of God"

While teaching at the Missionary Training Center I had an experience that helped me to understand better how Moses must have felt before the Lord on the mount. I
was teaching a group of elders who were a bit slothful and apathetic. They had good hearts, but they didn't sense the power and the urgency of the work they were
engaged in. It showed in their conduct. When we prayed at the end of class, one of them refused to kneel but rather half sat in his chair. Others in one way or another
prostrated themselves upon the ground but with an air of indolence rather than at attitude of reverence and submission. I poured out my heart in prayer that they would
feel the Spirit of God to a greater degree and gain an appreciation for the magnitude of their calling.

One evening during class we had a very powerful spiritual experience. There was a feeling in the classroom I had rarely before experienced. A feeling of awe toward
God and of a greater understanding of His magnificence and goodness was manifest to each of the elders. When we prayed at the end of class to express our gratitude
for the experience we had, the prayer was much more intense and sincere than anything I had ever heard escape the lips of any of these missionaries. Every elder's
posture during prayer represented the feeling of worship and awe we felt that evening. These elders knew they were sons of God. Though this experience was different
from that of Moses, I felt as though I had been in the presence of the Lord. I felt of my nothingness in comparison to His goodness and glory.

Afterward, I returned to my apartment with the memory of that experience still potent. Several of my roommates were watching a TV sitcom that I had thought pretty
funny, so I sat down to watch it with them. Within moments I noticed its humor was tainted with lewdness and otherwise inappropriate innuendoes. I had never noticed
it so distinctly before, but it was in sharp contrast to the experience I just had at the MTC. I was keenly aware that what I was watching was offensive to God. At that
moment I felt a very clear and distinct impression from the Spirit: "One of us will have to leave. Will it be you or me?" In the spirit of awe and love I felt for God, and
with the increased understanding of His goodness and glory I felt at the time, I had no desire to continue watching. I slipped out of the room and went to my bedroom.
As I made the decision that would allow me to bask in that feeling of the Spirit a little longer, I felt closer to God, and I was grateful for His love and guiding Spirit.

Through this and other similar experiences, I have glimpsed to a small degree the power of God and my relationship to Him. The one thing I have come to know for
certain is that "for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed." (Moses 1:10). The world and popular culture often present themselves as
glamorous and enticing. The natural eye may seem to see a glory and attractiveness to it. But on that occasion I saw the glory of the world in a way that may have been
somewhat similar to the perspective of Moses as he looked upon Satan, recognized his counterfeit grandeur for what it was, and cast him out.

After having felt so powerfully the Spirit of the Almighty and feeling of His power, the contrast between God and the adversary was undeniably distinct. I don't know
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that I had ever seen the emptiness and illusive glory of the world until I felt the glory of God to the degree I felt it that evening. And the minute understanding the/ 71
character of God I have gained from such experiences has been a great comfort. It has often given me the strength and desire to do what Moses did-to look at the
many faces and temptations of the adversary in the world today and declare with power, "Who art thou, for I am a son of God . . . Get thee hence, Satan; deceive me
glamorous and enticing. The natural eye may seem to see a glory and attractiveness to it. But on that occasion I saw the glory of the world in a way that may have been
somewhat similar to the perspective of Moses as he looked upon Satan, recognized his counterfeit grandeur for what it was, and cast him out.

After having felt so powerfully the Spirit of the Almighty and feeling of His power, the contrast between God and the adversary was undeniably distinct. I don't know
that I had ever seen the emptiness and illusive glory of the world until I felt the glory of God to the degree I felt it that evening. And the minute understanding of the
character of God I have gained from such experiences has been a great comfort. It has often given me the strength and desire to do what Moses did-to look at the
many faces and temptations of the adversary in the world today and declare with power, "Who art thou, for I am a son of God . . . Get thee hence, Satan; deceive me
not."

In all honesty, though, having felt in a very real way something of the power of God and understanding my unique relationship to Him as His son have been at times a
frustration as well as a comfort in my struggle with same-gender attraction. Sometimes the reality of those spiritual experiences has become merely a memory, and I
have forgotten to some degree the power I felt. There have been times when part of me wanted so badly to give up completely, but at the same time, I didn't feel I
could forget or rationalize away those spiritual feelings enough to be truly happy in surrendering to my attractions.

Despite that understanding I have scars from the battle. There have been times I've forgotten the power of God and the feeling of reverence I had for Him. There have
been times before I felt the Spirit to the magnitude I did with those elders when the adversary stood before me saying, "Son of man, worship me," and I thought "Why
not?" I have at times allowed Satan to convince me that I am a son of man and not of God. I have at times allowed him to mislead me into seeing others as sons of men
and not sons of God. But as the Lord in His mercy has helped me to remember those spiritual feelings when I have turned more fully to Him, I have come to understand
more fully the power of President Spencer W. Kimball's statement: "When you look in the dictionary for the most important word, do you know what it is? It could be
remember. Because all of you have made covenants-you know what to do and you know how to do it-our greatest need is to remember . . . Remember is the word.
Remember is the program." (Spencer W. Kimball, ''Circles of Exaltation,'' Charge to Religious Educators, 2nd ed., 28 June 1968.)

"The Fall of Our Natures"

(Many of the ideas, phrases, and sources quoted in this section, "The Fall of Our Natures," derive from the chapters entitled "The Atonement" by Elder Jeffrey R.
Holland as published in Christ and the New Covenant: The Messianic Message of the Book of Mormon, 202-11; "The Fall of Man" by Dr. Robert J. Matthews of
Brigham Young University as published in Robert J. Matthews, Selected Writings of Robert J. Matthews: Gospel Scholars Series, 471-83; and "The Regeneration of
Fallen Man" by Dr. Robert L. Millet as published in Robert L. Millet, Selected Writings of Robert L. Millet: Gospel Scholars Series, 169-88. Unless otherwise noted,
all statements from these three chapters by Elder Holland, Dr. Matthews, and Dr. Millet will hereafter be cited as "Holland," "Matthews," and "Millet.")

Just as it is important to acknowledge and feel the power and glory of God, it is likewise essential that we all recognize and feel our own nothingness and our unholiness
and our unworthiness in order for our worship of the Lord and, hence, our salvation will ever be complete. President Benson taught why individual acknowledgement of
this doctrine is so important. He said, "Just as a man does not really desire food until he is hungry, so he does not desire the salvation of Christ until he knows why he
needs Christ. No one adequately and properly knows why he needs Christ until he understands and accepts the doctrine of the Fall and its effect upon mankind."1

The Fall was necessary, and our understanding of it is foundational to at least two things. First, it is foundational to our acceptance of Jesus Christ as our Savior and
Redeemer. To lessen the importance of understanding the Fall is to lessen the importance of understanding the Atonement. If one does not understand the Fall, then
they cannot understand the Atonement. "The Fall and the Atonement are a package deal," Robert Millet taught, "one brings the other into existence, and I am not aware
of any discussion of the Atonement in the Book of Mormon that is not accompanied, either directly or by implication, with a discussion of the Fall. We do not
appreciate and treasure the medicine until we appreciate the seriousness of the malady. One cannot look earnestly and longingly to the Redeemer if he or she does not
sense the need for redemption. Jesus came to earth to do more than offer sage advice. He is not merely a benevolent consultant. He is our Savior. He came to save
us."2

Furthermore, our acceptance of the effects of the Fall is foundational and essential to our understanding of why some individuals experience same-gender attraction-
something that to many seems so contrary to all God has taught us through His prophets concerning the divine role of marriage and family in the eternities. And, as I'll
explain in more depth further on, it is important to know that even though the Fall was foreordained as part of the Father's plan of salvation God did not create fallen
man. Doctrinally, especially in connection with many arguments concerning homosexuality, it is important to know that the Fall was a choice made by man even though
is was planned as part of our eternal progression toward godhood.

We learn from the Articles of Faith from the time we are in Primary. The second reads: "We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's
transgression." We do not believe in original sin nor do we believe that mortal, fallen man is inherently evil. Even though an individual may experience same-gender
attraction, he or she is not inherently evil. To the contrary, all of God's children are inherently good and noble. In the dawn of history God spoke concerning the effects
of the Fall upon us: "Inasmuch as thy children are conceived in sin, even so when they begin to grow up, sin conceiveth in their hearts, and they taste the bitter, that they
may know to prize the good" (Moses 6:55).

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland explained the difference between being inherently evil and being brought into a world where the seeds of the natural man have been sown in
our flesh (see Moses 6:55) and-despite our divine spiritual heritage-where some of our most natural desires will be contrary to the will and plan of our Father and His
Only Begotten Son. "Because this doctrine is so basic to the plan of salvation and also because it is so susceptible to misunderstanding, we must note that these
references to 'natural' evil emphatically do not mean that men and women are 'inherently' evil. There is a crucial difference. As spiritual sons and daughters of God, all
mortal men and women are divine in origin and divine in their potential destiny. As Doctrine and Covenants 93:38-39 teaches, the spirit of every man, woman, and child
'was innocent in the beginning.' But it is also true that as a result of the Fall they are now in a 'natural' (fallen) world where the devil 'taketh away light' and where some
elements of nature-including temporal human nature-need discipline, restraint, and refinement . . .

"Natural man, with all of his new and wonderful but as yet unbridled and unregenerated potential, must be made 'submissive' to the Holy Spirit, a spirit that still entices
and lifts us upward . . . Our deepest desires, our pre-mortal yearnings, are still divine in their origins, and they are still deep in our souls. The echoes of our earlier
innocence still reverberate, and the light that forsakes the evil one still shines. Our hearts can-and in their purity, do-desire that which is spiritual and holy rather than that
which is 'carnal, sensual, and devilish.' . . . Nevertheless, we (through Adam and Eve) made the conscious choice to live in and endure this mortal sphere of opposition
in all things, for only through such an experience was godly progress possible. Adam and Eve-and we-knowingly and lovingly absolved God of the responsibility for the
'thorns and thistles' of a fallen world that was personally chosen by us, not capriciously imposed by him." (Holland, Christ and the New Covenant, 206-7, 203-4; italics
added.) [Z: need to look up quotation again and put something to the effect of "Elder Holland also taught" where the break between sets of pages is]

In light of the doctrine of the Fall, it is it is important to realize that the experience of same-gender attraction-and the behavior it may lead to for many, behavior that
Paul referred to as being "against nature" (Romans 1:26)-can feel very natural for some, for the natural man is fallen man, and our natural state is a fallen state, and what
often feels natural in our fallen state is not natural to God or godliness. Even men as faithful and stalwart as Nephi, who exclaimed, "My soul delighteth in the things of
the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard," have also wrestled with their fallen nature. Nephi immediately afterward
lamented, "O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of
the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins" (2 Nephi 4:17-19).
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President Brigham Young explained: "There are no persons without evil passions to embitter their lives. Mankind are revengeful, passionate, hateful, and devilish in their
dispositions. This we inherit through the fall, and the grace of God is designed to enable us to overcome it." (Journal of Discourses, 8:160) And probably to the comfort
of those who, regardless of how hard they try, cannot seem to get rid of the inclination within them to do evil, President Young also said: "Will sin be perfectly
often feels natural in our fallen state is not natural to God or godliness. Even men as faithful and stalwart as Nephi, who exclaimed, "My soul delighteth in the things of
the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard," have also wrestled with their fallen nature. Nephi immediately afterward
lamented, "O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of
the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins" (2 Nephi 4:17-19).

President Brigham Young explained: "There are no persons without evil passions to embitter their lives. Mankind are revengeful, passionate, hateful, and devilish in their
dispositions. This we inherit through the fall, and the grace of God is designed to enable us to overcome it." (Journal of Discourses, 8:160) And probably to the comfort
of those who, regardless of how hard they try, cannot seem to get rid of the inclination within them to do evil, President Young also said: "Will sin be perfectly
destroyed? No, it will not, for it is not so designed in the economy of heaven . . . Do not suppose that we shall ever in the flesh be free from temptations to sin. Some
suppose that they can in the flesh be sanctified body and spirit and become so pure that they will never again feel the effects of the power of the adversary of truth.
Were it possible for a person to attain to this degree of perfection in the flesh, he could not die neither remain in a world where sin predominates . . . I think we should
more or less feel the effects of sin so long as we live, and finally have to pass the ordeals of death." (Journal of Discourses, 10:173.)

In the context of same-gender attraction, this truth is especially important for those who-whether single, married, or divorced-feel hopelessness and frustration because
they cannot seem to get rid of the unwanted temptation to act on their feelings, despite the love they feel for God, His gospel, and possibly even a spouse and children.
Though we must strive to live so that the Spirit of God can sanctify our hearts and our desires, we must also recognize that we may always feel temptation in some
degree to act on our attractions while we are still in this mortal, probationary state. We are imperfect. We are human. We are fallen mortals in a telestial world
struggling mightily to live a celestial standard.

"I Was Born That Way" vs. "God Made Me That Way"

A discussion of the nature of fallen man in the context of same-gender attraction naturally requires me to address the often-heard statements of some that "I was born
that way" or "God made me that way." Even though these statements may sound similar in concept, they are two very different proclamations.

"I was born that way." That some individuals may be "born that way"-born with natural inclinations or tendencies toward same-gender attraction-is quite possible. And
it should be remembered that the passions or attractions we have that are contrary to the plan of God, or that make it a greater challenge to live the plan of God, do not
make us inherently evil. As Elder Holland suggested, they merely demonstrate that we are mortal and fallen. And the natural desire to sin and to act upon those
attractions-or any attraction contrary to God's plan, for that matter-was sown in the flesh as we were conceived into mortality.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles stated: "We should distinguish between (1) homosexual . . . 'thoughts and feelings' . . . and (2) 'homosexual
behavior.' . . . Some kinds of feelings seem to be inborn. Others are traceable to mortal experiences. Still other feelings seem to be acquired from a complex interaction
of 'nature and nurture.' All of us have some feelings we did not choose, but the gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us that we still have the power to resist and reform our
feelings (as needed) and to assure that they do not lead us to entertain inappropriate thoughts or to engage in sinful behavior.

"Different persons have different physical characteristics and different susceptibilities to the various physical and emotional pressures we may encounter in our childhood
and adult environments. We did not choose these personal susceptibilities either, but we do choose and will be accountable for the attitudes, priorities, behavior, and
'lifestyle' we engraft upon them . . .

"Just as some people have different feelings than others, some people seem to be unusually susceptible to particular actions, reactions, or addictions. Perhaps such
susceptibilities are inborn or acquired without personal choice or fault . . . One person may have feelings that draw him toward gambling, but unlike those who only
dabble, he becomes a compulsive gambler. Another person may have a taste for tobacco and a susceptibility to its addiction. Still another may have an unusual
attraction to alcohol and the vulnerability to be readily propelled into alcoholism. Other examples may include a hot temper, a contentious manner, a covetous attitude,
and so on.

"In each case . . . the feelings or other characteristics that increase susceptibility to certain behavior may have some relationship to inheritance. But the relationship is
probably very complex. The inherited element may be nothing more than an increased likelihood that an individual will acquire certain feelings if he or she encounters
particular influences during the developmental years. But regardless of our different susceptibilities or vulnerabilities, which represent only variations on our mortal
freedom (in mortality we are only 'free according to the flesh' [2 Nephi 2:27]), we remain responsible for the exercise of our agency in the thoughts we entertain and the
behavior we choose." (Dallin H. Oaks, "Same-Gender Attraction," Ensign, October 1995.)

After Elder Oaks made these remarks, he then recounted a talk he gave at Brigham Young University several years earlier:

"Most of us are born with [or develop] thorns in the flesh, some more visible, some more serious than others. We all seem to have susceptibilities to one disorder or
another, but whatever our susceptibilities, we have the will and the power to control our thoughts and our actions. This must be so. God has said that he holds us
accountable for what we do and what we think, so our thoughts and actions must be controllable by our agency. Once we have reached the age or condition of
accountability, the claim 'I was born that way' does not excuse actions or thoughts that fail to conform to the commandments of God. We need to learn how to live so
that a weakness that is mortal will not prevent us from achieving the goal that is eternal.

"God has promised that he will consecrate our afflictions for our gain (see 2 Nephi 2:2). The efforts we expend in overcoming any inherited [or developed] weakness
build a spiritual strength that will serve us throughout eternity . . . Whatever our susceptibilities or tendencies [feelings], they cannot subject us to eternal consequences
unless we exercise our free agency to do or think the things forbidden by the commandments of God. "Beware the argument that because a person has strong drives
toward a particular act, he has no power of choice and therefore no responsibility for his actions. This contention runs counter to the most fundamental premises of the
gospel of Jesus Christ. Satan would like us to believe that we are not responsible in this life. That is the result he tried to achieve by his contest in the pre-existence. A
person who insists that he is not responsible for the exercise of his free agency because he was 'born that way' is trying to ignore the outcome of the War in Heaven.
We are responsible, and if we argue otherwise, our efforts become part of the propaganda effort of the Adversary.

"Individual responsibility is a law of life. It applies in the law of man and the law of God. Society holds people responsible to control their impulses so we can live in a
civilized society. God holds his children responsible to control their impulses in order that they can keep his commandments and realize their eternal destiny. "There is
much we do not know about the extent of freedom we have in view of the various thorns in the flesh that afflict us in mortality. But this much we do know; we all have
our free agency and God holds us accountable for the way we use it in thought and deed. That is fundamental." ( "Free Agency and Freedom," Brigham Young
University 1987-88 Devotional and Fireside Speeches, 46-47; the edited version printed here is found in Monte S. Nyman and Charles D. Tate, Jr., eds., The Book of
Mormon: Second Nephi, The Doctrinal Structure, 13-15.)

"God made me that way." There is no doctrinal foundation for the statement "God made me that way." That does not mean that same-gender attraction may not be
legitimately among an individual's mortal challenges, but God did not create mortal, fallen man. As the Book of Mormon makes clear, man "brought upon himself" his
own fall (Alma 42:12Alma 42:12). If God had created mortal man, then death, sin, and all the other circumstances of mortality would be God's doing, and they would
be eternal and permanent. Because man brought the Fall upon himself, he is the responsible moral agent, and it is therefore necessary that God rescue and redeem him
from  his fallen
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Having brought about the Fall themselves, Adam and Eve became subject to punishment or reward for their actions. If we had been created by God in our mortal state,
then there would be no justice in either punishment or reward, because our mortal state would be eternal and permanent, so that we "could not be agents unto [our]
"God made me that way." There is no doctrinal foundation for the statement "God made me that way." That does not mean that same-gender attraction may not be
legitimately among an individual's mortal challenges, but God did not create mortal, fallen man. As the Book of Mormon makes clear, man "brought upon himself" his
own fall (Alma 42:12Alma 42:12). If God had created mortal man, then death, sin, and all the other circumstances of mortality would be God's doing, and they would
be eternal and permanent. Because man brought the Fall upon himself, he is the responsible moral agent, and it is therefore necessary that God rescue and redeem him
from his fallen state.

Having brought about the Fall themselves, Adam and Eve became subject to punishment or reward for their actions. If we had been created by God in our mortal state,
then there would be no justice in either punishment or reward, because our mortal state would be eternal and permanent, so that we "could not be agents unto [our]
selves" (D&C 29:39). It has been made very clear that agents are precisely what we are to be. If it were not so, the eternal principle of agency would be invalidated,
which cannot happen, or God would cease to be God. Agency was the principle fought over in the premortal war in Heaven, and it is clear from our existence here on
earth that God's purposes prevailed. Furthermore, the Lord has explained that he does not create temporal or mortal conditions, nor does He function on a mortal level
(see D&C 29:34D&C 29:35D&C 29:34-35).

With this understanding, it is important to put into context a statement made by President Spencer W. Kimball regarding homosexuality: "'God made me that way,'
some say, as they rationalize and excuse themselves for their perversions. 'I can't help it,' they add. This is blasphemy. Is man not made in the image of God, and does
he think God to be 'that way'? Man is responsible for his own sins. It is possible that he may rationalize and excuse himself until the groove is so deep he cannot get out
without great difficulty, but this he can do. Temptations come to all people. The difference between the reprobate and the worthy person is generally that one yielded
and the other resisted." (Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, edited by Edward L. Kimball [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982], 276.)

The language President Kimball used may be hard, but the principle he taught is eternal and true. President Kimball's statement regarding the claim "God made me that
way" is completely consistent with the possibility that some may be born with factors influencing their attraction, but having inherent biological or psychological factors
influencing their attraction does not mean "God made me that way." It is important to remember that that is not to say that God has no eternally valuable purposes in
allowing us to experience whatever challenges, trials, attractions, temptations, or tendencies we have. He has allowed us to experience same-gender attraction-"to be
this way"-and for some that attraction may very well be a part of their entire mortal sojourn. The purpose is that we may be tried in whatever way is necessary for us to
learn the eternal lessons He would have us learn from our experiences here.

Latter-day Saint Worship of God

Because of our fallen nature, evidenced by our natural tendencies that are not in harmony with the plan, our only hope for salvation is through Jesus Christ. We know,
without question, that the power to save us, to change us, to renew our souls, is in Christ, for God has declared: "Jesus Christ is the name which is given of the Father,
and there is none other name given whereby man can be saved; Wherefore, all men must take upon them the name which is given of the Father, for in that name shall
they be called at the last day" (D&C 18:23-24).

But for our fallen natures to be regenerated, to achieve our divine destiny of receiving all that our Father wants for His children, we must know Who we worship and
how to worship Him. One of Jesus' purposes in His mortal mission was to teach those principles to His fallen brothers and sisters (D&C 93:7-20). Understanding and
internalizing this concept has for me been one of great importance in coming to terms with same-gender attraction, for it is an attraction that commands devotion and
feels so natural to me. I understood quickly, however, that if I did not deem my Father in Heaven worthy of greater devotion than my attraction, I would soon willfully
submit. And the society we live in today-especially with some of the political debates currently raging-one need not look far to get an idea of just how powerful a
commander the attraction can be.

Elder James E. Talmage, in teaching the concept of worship, explained how the etymology of the word worship connotes worthy-ship. He then explicated the
profoundness of the meaning of the word, saying, "The worship of which one is capable depends upon his comprehension of the worthiness characterizing the object of
his reverence. Man's capacity for worship is a measure of his comprehension of God. The fuller the acquaintance and the closer the communion between the worshiper
and Deity, the more thorough and sincere will be his homage . . . True worship cannot exist where there is no reverence or love for the object. This reverence may be
ill-founded; the adoration may be a species of idolatry; the object may be in fact unworthy; yet of the devotee it must be said that he worships if his conscience clothe
the idol with the attribute of worthy-ship." (James E. Talmage, Articles of Faith, 398.)

Every human being worships. Each person has an innate desire to focus his affection and obey a master, even if that master is himself. Regarding this innate desire,
Elder Bruce R. McConkie observed: "God planted in our hearts an instinctive desire to worship, to seek salvation, to love and serve a power or being greater than
ourselves. Worship is implicit in existence itself." (Bruce R. McConkie, "How to Worship," Ensign, December 1971.)

The Savior's statement that He knew who He worshipped is powerful to me, because it took me a long time to figure out who I worship. Although I was raised a
member of the Church, served a mission, attended BYU, taught at the MTC, worked several summers as a counselor for the Church's Especially for Youth program,
studied in the Holy Land for a semester at BYU's Jerusalem Center, and was active in Church callings all along the way, it took the challenge of same-gender attraction
for me to really understand Who it is that I want to command my allegiance. It took this challenge for me to begin asking questions I had never felt the need to ask
through all of that. Even though I learned about God and the scriptures and the Church through those experiences, and though I thought I loved the gospel of Christ and
His Church, it took standing at a crossroads between two paths that felt very much a part of me-both of which were commanding loyalty-to really teach me about Who
I worship and why I worship Him.

Just as it has been important for me to understand Who we worship, so it has been important for me to learn how we worship. Again Jesus has been my example. He
worshipped the Father by diligently doing all that was asked of Him, and He did so willingly and with His full heart. Elder Talmage stated: "Worship is the voluntary
homage of the soul. Under compulsion, or for purposes of display, one may insincerely perform all the outward ceremonies of an established style of adoration; he may
voice words of prescribed prayers; his lips may profess a creed; yet his effort is but a mockery of worship and its indulgence a sin. God asks no reluctant homage nor
unwilling praise. Formalism in worship is acceptable only so far as it is accompanied by an intelligent devoutness; and it is genuine only as it is an aid to the spiritual
devotion that leads to communion with Deity. The spoken prayer is but empty sound if it be anything less than an index to the volume of the soul's righteous desire.
Communications addressed to the Throne of Grace must bear the stamp of sincerity if they are to reach their high destination. The most acceptable form of worship is
that which rests on an unreserved compliance with the laws of God as the worshiper has learned their purport." (James E. Talmage, Articles of Faith, p. 398.)

And that is exactly what Jesus did in His worship of the Father. He was perfectly obedient in putting first "the will of the Father in all things from the beginning" (Nephi
11:11). Our worship must be the same. During Jesus' ministry in the Old World, a scribe said to Him, "I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest" (Matthew 8:19).
Then another of His disciples said shortly thereafter, "Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father." Jesus' bold response was "Follow me, and let the dead bury the
dead" (Matthew 8:21-22). Desiring to bury a dead parent does not seem an unreasonable request, but the Savior was teaching a powerful lesson. The man was making
temporal matters and desires a priority over following the Lord.

(I love this quote, but I would much rather have the Widtsoe statement at the end and the first paragraphs at the beginning of the Fall section if it is necessary to make
some cuts.)The commandment the Lord gave to worship the Father and to "seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness" (Nephi 13:33) should be the desire
and determination of our hearts, regardless of our circumstances. It should be our prime focus each day of our lives to worship the Lord in every capacity. As Elder
James  E. Talmage
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             (c) 2005-2009,      our willingness to live the commandments of our God is a direct measure of our comprehension of Him and His worthiness.
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to every aspect of our lives, including how we use our agency to respond to the challenge of same-gender attraction. When our attractions-however natural and
genuine-become a priority over the Father of our spirits, we have said something about our opinion of His worth as the object of our worship. But when we keep our
focus on the Father and follow the commandments He has given us through His Son and His prophets, despite our challenges, we are heeding the required call to
(I love this quote, but I would much rather have the Widtsoe statement at the end and the first paragraphs at the beginning of the Fall section if it is necessary to make
some cuts.)The commandment the Lord gave to worship the Father and to "seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness" (Nephi 13:33) should be the desire
and determination of our hearts, regardless of our circumstances. It should be our prime focus each day of our lives to worship the Lord in every capacity. As Elder
James E. Talmage suggested, our willingness to live the commandments of our God is a direct measure of our comprehension of Him and His worthiness. That applies
to every aspect of our lives, including how we use our agency to respond to the challenge of same-gender attraction. When our attractions-however natural and
genuine-become a priority over the Father of our spirits, we have said something about our opinion of His worth as the object of our worship. But when we keep our
focus on the Father and follow the commandments He has given us through His Son and His prophets, despite our challenges, we are heeding the required call to
worship the Father if that homage is sincere and is driven by love and a willing heart.

"Sanctify My Name"

During the time in my spiritual journey when I wondered whether being faithful to the standards of the gospel was really worth it, and while struggling with conflicting
desires about whether I really wanted for myself the things I knew God wanted for me, I was at one point sitting in church, praying for some sort of peace of mind and
heart. I was touched by the words of a hymn I had heard many times but was now hearing for the first time:

May we who know the sacred Name

From every sin depart.

Then will the Spirit's constant flame

Preserve us pure in heart. ( "Sweet Is the Peace the Gospel Brings," Hymns of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, no. 14.)

I have reviewed those words often in my mind, and I still do not know exactly why they came with such force that morning, but they did, and I have continued to
ponder their meaning. A verse I later read in the book of Nephi helped me to better understand what I believe the Lord was trying to teach me. While teaching his
people, Nephi, quoting Isaiah, said, "When he seeth his children, the work of my hands, in the midst of him, they shall sanctify my name, and sanctify the Holy One of
Jacob" (Nephi 27:34).

If "Jesus Christ is the name which is given of the Father, and there is none other name given whereby man can be saved, [and] all men must take upon them the name
which is given of the Father" (D&C 18:23-24; see also Acts 4:12; 2 Nephi 25:20; Mosiah 3:17; 5:8), then we who have taken that name upon us have the
responsibility to sanctify that name and make it holy so that others can know that it is a name worthy of turning toward. The Book of Mormon prophet Samuel
declared, "And if ye believe on his name ye will repent of all your sins, that thereby ye may have a remission of them through his merits" (Helaman 14:13).

The more I've studied the scriptures and pondered the words of the hymn that so impressed me in that sacrament meeting, the more strongly I've come to feel that we
worship the Father and sanctify or glorify the name of His Only Begotten by the way we exercise our agency. In all things, Christ "le[ft] us an example, that [we] should
follow his steps" (Peter 2:21), [chk bracks] and that includes what it means to sanctify-or glorify-a name.

Christ glorified His Father by suffering His cross and by following "the will of the Father in all things" (Nephi 11:11). Likewise, we glorify Christ by obeying Jacob's
exhortation to "believe in Christ, and view his death, and suffer his cross and bear the shame of the world." (Jacob 1:8). I doubt Jacob was being merely poetic in that
poignant call to come unto Christ. As Christ glorified His Father, so must we glorify Christ by following His will in all things. As the resurrected Lord told the Nephites,
"My Father sent me that I might be lifted up upon the cross; and after that I had been lifted up upon the cross, that I might draw all men unto me" (Nephi 27:14).

To truly understand how to glorify the name of Christ and make it holy, the prophet Ezekiel taught the importance God's people understanding the difference between
the holy and the profane (Ezekiel 44:23). Understanding that distinction affects our acceptance of His Atonement and the nature of our worship. As Paul taught, Christ
will "be glorified in his saints" (Thessalonians 1:10). Saints means literally "holy ones" and is a title borne by members of the Church who, through the covenant of
baptism, have taken upon them the name of Christ and solemnly promised to make His name holy by following His example and worshipping the Father. They are in
turn "made holy," or become "holy ones," like unto God, by that same name through the redeeming power of His Atonement. The process and result of becoming holy
is called "sanctification," the English word often used to translate the Greek verb hagiazï¿½, meaning "to make holy." As we sanctify His name by suffering His cross
and by bearing His shame, He in turn sanctifies us through His blood (Moses 6:60).

Elder Dallin H. Oaks said: "The important covenant to take upon us His name, made at baptism and renewed weekly in partaking of the sacrament, goes well beyond
the obvious significance of membership in a Church identified by the name of Jesus Christ. The words take upon you the name of Christ occur many times in the
Scriptures. Their frequent association with the words having a determination to serve him to the end or endure to the end reveals one of the most significant meanings of
taking upon us the name of Christ: a willingness and a commitment to take upon us the work of the Savior and His Kingdom." (Dallin H. Oaks, His Holy Name, 37.)

When dealing with a trial as powerful and as challenging as same-gender attraction, I have often thought that the most powerful way to sanctify the name of Jesus Christ
is to dedicate our lives to wholly serving Him and fully living the teachings of the gospel. As we suffer this cross in a skeptical world that cries for sexual freedom, we
glorify Christ, "for the preaching of the cross [need text here] is to them that perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is [need text here] the power of God . . .
The natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for [need text here] they arefoolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually
discerned" (1 Corinthians 1:18; 2:14) The idea that same-gender attraction could or even should be managed through submission to Christ is foolishness to those who
do not understand the plan of salvation and His gospel in its restored fulness.

I freely admit that there is much I do not understand about the Atonement, but when the Savior said that He will enable me with power as I strive to suffer this cross
with faith, live the gospel, and bear the shame of the world, I believe Him. We are here to glorify our God, and His power is diluted when we adopt the philosophies of
men or give up in our fight. We, as the "holy ones" of God, cannot allow ourselves to become casualties in this war. We can glorify and sanctify him, or we can, as Paul
said, "crucify to [our]selves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame" (Hebrews 6:6).

When we live faithful to Him through the enabling grace of His Atonement, we say something powerful about the glory of His name. The opposite is also true: Those
who give in and submit to temptation, regardless of the challenge they experience, are also saying something about that name. That is the essential meaning of the other
important concept Ezekiel declared was essential for us to understand. To profane is to violate anything sacred, or treat it with irreverence, or contempt; it is to be
blasphemous, disrespectful, or sacrilegious; to profane something is to mark it by futility or ineffectualness. The principle of profanity is similar to vanity, and the third
commandment written by the finger of God on Mount Sinai was "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that
taketh his name in vain" (Exodus 20:7; see also Exodus 31:18). That under the Mosaic law the penalty for blaspheming the name of the Lord was death by stoning
affirms the importance of the commandment (see Leviticus 24:16). The distinguishing principles of sanctity and holiness in contrast with vanity and profanity is something
I've felt the Lord has been trying to help me understand in the last few years.

ICopyright
  had grown(c)
             up2005-2009,
               with the understanding   that a person
                             Infobase Media    Corp. profaned the name of the Lord or took it in vain only when he used the name of God inappropriately  Pagein speaking.
                                                                                                                                                                 41 / 71
I've come to understand a deeper and more profound meaning of that proclamation from Sinai. When we are baptized, we take upon us the name of Christ. To take
the Lord's name in vain is not simply to swear; it is to use His name in any way that makes it empty or of little worth. Anytime we live contrary to His teachings, we
make some statement about the value of that name.
taketh his name in vain" (Exodus 20:7; see also Exodus 31:18). That under the Mosaic law the penalty for blaspheming the name of the Lord was death by stoning
affirms the importance of the commandment (see Leviticus 24:16). The distinguishing principles of sanctity and holiness in contrast with vanity and profanity is something
I've felt the Lord has been trying to help me understand in the last few years.

I had grown up with the understanding that a person profaned the name of the Lord or took it in vain only when he used the name of God inappropriately in speaking.
I've come to understand a deeper and more profound meaning of that proclamation from Sinai. When we are baptized, we take upon us the name of Christ. To take
the Lord's name in vain is not simply to swear; it is to use His name in any way that makes it empty or of little worth. Anytime we live contrary to His teachings, we
make some statement about the value of that name.

Elder James E. Talmage said, "The word translated into our language as 'vain' is an interesting one, and its usage is instructive . . . It comes to us from a Latin root and
meant, originally, empty and void . . . To take the name of God in vain, therefore, is to use that name lightly, to use it emptily, to use it without effect, so far as the intent
is concerned . . . We are apt to think that this has reference to the speaking of the name of God only . . . but beyond this there is profanity of action, which is of greater
import than the spoken word, even as the prayer of the heart is greater than the prayer of the lips. Profanity in this sense is any manifestation of disrespect or
irreverence for the name of God: blasphemy consists in attributing to Deity any unworthy act or motive, or in claiming for one's self the distinguishing attributes of Deity .
..

"I call your attention to the thirtieth chapter of Proverbs . . . : 'Remove far from me vanity and lies . . . lest I be full and deny thee, and say, Who is the Lord? or lest I be
poor, and steal, and take the name of my God in vain.' . . . Where can a Latter-day Saint go without bearing the name of the Lord with him? And if he steal, he is
stealing before the Lord, and with his name displayed, thus polluting the name of the Lord, for he has taken that name upon himself . . . We take his name in vain
whenever we willfully do aught that is in defiance of his commandments, since we have taken his name upon ourselves." (James E. Talmage in Conference Report,
October 1931, 51.)

The lives we live bear testimony of Jesus and preserve His name. "Ye are the salt of the earth," the Savior said, "but if the salt have lost his savor, wherewith shall it be
salted?" (Matthew 5:13; 3 Nephi 12:13). Salt is a preserver and does not lose its savor with age. Nor would those called to preserve righteousness and the name of
Christ on the earth lose their preserving power through age or trial or tribulation. Only mixture with the elements of the world-with the doctrines and philosophies of
men-cause salt to lose its preserving effect. We, as Christ's covenant people, cannot make a difference in the world unless we are different from the world.

Elder John A Widtsoe made a statement that expounds the substance of Latter-day Saint worship of God: "We need, in this Church and Kingdom, for our own and the
world's welfare a group of men and women in their individual lives who shall be as a light to the nations, and really standards for the world to follow. Such a people
must be different from the world as it now is . . . We are here to build Zion to Almighty God, for the blessing of all the world. In that aim we are unique and different
from all other peoples. We must respect that obligation, and not be afraid of it. We cannot walk as other men, or talk as other men, or do as other men, for we have a
different destiny, obligation, and responsibility placed upon us, and we must fit ourselves for that great destiny and obligation." (John A. Widtsoe in Conference Report,
April 1940, 129.)

As sons and daughters of God and not of man, as Satan would have us believe, we have the seeds of divinity sown in our spirit, and I hope, despite my struggle with
same-gender attraction, always to hearken to that call to be true to the Father, to strive daily to know more fully and worship more completely, and to glorify and make
Holy the name of His Son, the Savior in whose blood I can find mercy and redemption from my fallen nature.

1. Ezra Taft Benson, A Witness and a Warning, 33.

2. Millet, 171.

Paul the Romans and Homosexuality

With only a few scriptures in the Bible and none in the Book of Mormon or other Latter-day Saint scripture that refer to homosexuality directly, those in the Church
and Christians outside it who condemn homosexual behavior as evil, often rely on a statement made by Paul in his letter to the Roman Saints. In that letter the apostle
Paul is getting to the core of a much subtler sin whose roots extend beyond homosexuality, and he uses the homosexual behavior prevalent in Rome at that time as an
example of a more profound principle. A latter-day apostle, Elder Richard G. Scott, has taught: "As you seek spiritual knowledge, search for principles. Carefully
separate them from the detail used to explain them. Principles are concentrated truth, packaged for application to a wide variety of circumstances. A true principle
makes decisions clear even under the most confusing and compelling circumstances. It is worth great effort to organize the truth we gather to simple statements of
principle." (Elder Richard G. Scott, "Acquiring Spiritual Knowledge," Ensign, November 1993.)

Examining Romans 1 in a historical and doctrinal context, and according to the principle taught by Elder Scott may shed greater light on the truth that Paul is teaching,
which is even more closely related to the worship of God than it is to homosexuality. My hope is that these verses can cease to be a theological stick used to beat those
who experience same-gender attraction and can instead become a passage through which each child of God, regardless of what trials or attractions he or she
experiences, may gain a deeper and broader perspective that will enhance their worship of our Father. Other biblical verses specifically condemn homosexual behavior,
but Paul's epistle to the Romans is perhaps the most useful for placing that condemnation within a theological context. 1

The Principle within the Proclamation

Let us examine what Paul writes to the Roman Saints:

"The gospel of Christ . . . ?? the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth . . . For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: As it is
written, The just shall live by faith.

"For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness;

"Because that which may be known of God??? manifest in them; for God hath shewed it unto them. For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are
clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse:

"Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.

"Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools,

"And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things.

"Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:
Copyright (c) 2005-2009, Infobase Media Corp.                                                                                                                 Page 42 / 71
"Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who??? blessed for ever. Amen.
"And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things.

"Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:

"Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who??? blessed for ever. Amen.

"For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:

"And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving
in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.

"And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient;

"Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers,

"Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents,

"Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful:

"Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them" (Romans
1:16-32).2 [Ty: use the JST here instead, and put the KJV in the note (which will function in place of an appendix)?] (this is fine with me)

(This text needs to go with the appropriate note. With the review and approval of James E. Faulconer, this particular section will rely heavily on his previous work
found in James E. Faulconer, Romans 1: Notes and Reflections, 55-97. In addition, I'd like to thank Richard Draper, professor of Ancient History in the Department of
Ancient Scripture at the Brigham Young University College of Religious Education, who has reviewed this section for historical, contextual, and doctrinal accuracy; he
is currently the managing director of Publications for the Religious Studies Center.)I just want to clarify if this footnote will still be included in the manuscript?)In verses
16 and 17 of his letter to the Roman Saints concerning the gospel of Christ, Paul declares that God reveals His righteousness and power to the faithful who worship
Him. In verses 18-32, he then presents a negative formulation of that declaration-that God withdraws His righteousness and power from the unfaithful who choose not
to worship Him and who instead "serve the creature more than the Creator"-those who are idolatrous. Verse 17 concludes with spiritual life for the faithful, and verse
32 concludes with death for the unfaithful.

A parallel principle taught in the Book of Mormon helps us understand more clearly Paul's overall message to the Romans. Speaking to Zeezrom, an initially contentious
lawyer, Alma declares: "It is given unto many to know the mysteries of God; nevertheless they are laid under a strict command that they shall not impart only according
to the portion of his word which he doth grant unto the children of men, according to the heed and diligence which they give unto him . . . And he that will not harden his
heart, to him is given the greater portion of the word, until it is given unto him to know the mysteries of God until he know them in full" (Alma 12:9-10).

As Paul does, Alma then presents the negative formulation of that thesis, saying, "[But] they that will harden their hearts, to them is given the lesser portion of the word
until they know nothing concerning his mysteries; and then they are taken captive by the devil, and led by his will down to destruction. Now this is what is meant by the
chains of hell" (Alma 12:11).

Alma's first thought is that God reveals His righteousness and power-His "mysteries"[JEF1] [Ty: I don't know what the foregoing means]-to the faithful, which ultimately
leads to spiritual life. As Paul wrote in an epistle to the Corinthian Saints, the things of God, including His righteousness and power, are "spiritually discerned" and
therefore are mysteries in that they are His "deep things" that cannot be known save it is by His Spirit (? Corinthians 2:10-14).

Alma's conclusion, similar to Paul's, is that God withdraws knowledge of His mysteries from those who harden their hearts. Ultimately this process results in their being
bound by a darkened mind and the "chains of hell"-something akin to spiritual death.

Paul's initial declaration and thesis. When Paul declared that the gospel of Christ is "the power of God" unto salvation, [cite?] he meant it is exactly that-the gospel of
Jesus Christ is not just a message; it is also a power. The gospel is not simply a theological belief system that people can "judge objectively and then decide whether
they will accept or reject it." It is not a worldview that can be indifferently adopted or casually embraced, for it is a power that saves the souls of the Father's children
and regenerates fallen man. "Thus, to hear the gospel preached is to be affected, and the effect of the gospel is salvation." (Faulconer, 56.) Recorded in the Book of
Mormon is a belief by the Nephites that "the preaching of the word had . . . more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword" (Alma 31:5).

The gospel of Christ is the only eternal system leading to spiritual life. This truth was likely difficult for the people of Rome to completely understand when, as it was in
Paul's time, "the gospel was believed and taught by only a small group and seemed to have little impact on the world. Few knew anything about it. It might, therefore,
have been tempting to think of the gospel as a powerless and ineffectual thing, especially when compared to the power and influence of the Roman government . . . But
Paul . . . understands that exactly the opposite is true: the Roman government, like any human government, is ultimately powerless and ineffectual, and only the gospel
has the [effectual] power necessary for salvation." (Faulconer, 56.)

Likewise today, the church of Christ may be small and His Saints few, but it is only within The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that the ordinances
necessary for salvation and Eternal Life are administered and the gospel of Christ is taught in its fulness. It is through the Church that the blessings of the Abrahamic
covenant will be taken to the four corners of the earth. This is a significant and powerful responsibility for a people whose numbers are insignificant when compared to
the vast number of people in the world.

Paul's declaration of the power of the gospel leads to his initial thesis that the salvation promised through the gospel of Jesus Christ is "to every one that believeth . . .
For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith." [cite] The Greek word translated "believeth" could also be translated as "faith" or "trust." In Paul's
writings "it is important to remember the connection between faith and trust . . . [and] believeth does not make that connection." Trust implies belief, but the reverse is
not necessarily true. (Faulconer, 56-57.) The gospel is the power of salvation for those who exercise active trust in God-or who give "heed and diligence" [cite] as
Alma described it, to following the whole law of the gospel.

Just as Alma implies that the mysteries of God are revealed by degree, according to the degree to which we soften or harden our hearts, so Paul implies the same truth
when he says, "God's righteousness is revealed from faith to faith." [cite] The revelation of divine righteousness occurs as we first exercise faith. As faith is exercised and
our knowledge of the righteousness of God is increased, our faith is also increased. We cannot know God's righteousness without having faith, but without knowing that
righteousness, we cannot come to have faith or to trust in Him. (See Faulconer, 65.) Alma's sermon on faith using the metaphor of the seed makes the idea clear: As we
exercise sufficient faith in Christ that the word may be planted in our hearts, it will grow into greater faith if we do not first cast it out by our unbelief (Alma 32:26-34).

Paul's negative formulation of his thesis. As Paul teaches the principle concerning the revelation of God to the faithful, he is setting up a contrast, as will be seen in verse
 Copyright (c) 2005-2009, Infobase Media Corp.
18 when Paul begins to teach the converse of that principle. In verse 17 we read that divine justice-God's righteousness-"is revealed" to those who arePage    faithful.43 / 71
                                                                                                                                                                         The
converse of divine justice is divine wrath-the withdrawal of God's righteousness-and divine wrath "is revealed" to those who are not faithful. The phrase "is revealed" in
verse 18, parallel with the phrase in verse 17, simply means that the knowledge of His mysteries and of His godliness is withdrawn.
righteousness, we cannot come to have faith or to trust in Him. (See Faulconer, 65.) Alma's sermon on faith using the metaphor of the seed makes the idea clear: As we
exercise sufficient faith in Christ that the word may be planted in our hearts, it will grow into greater faith if we do not first cast it out by our unbelief (Alma 32:26-34).

Paul's negative formulation of his thesis. As Paul teaches the principle concerning the revelation of God to the faithful, he is setting up a contrast, as will be seen in verse
18 when Paul begins to teach the converse of that principle. In verse 17 we read that divine justice-God's righteousness-"is revealed" to those who are faithful. The
converse of divine justice is divine wrath-the withdrawal of God's righteousness-and divine wrath "is revealed" to those who are not faithful. The phrase "is revealed" in
verse 18, parallel with the phrase in verse 17, simply means that the knowledge of His mysteries and of His godliness is withdrawn.

The phrase ungodliness and unrighteousness could also be translated as "impiety and injustice." To be impious is to ignore one's obligations to God; to be unjust is to
ignore one's obligations to other mortals. The mention of ungodliness ("impiety") and unrighteousness ("injustice") prefigures the discussion in verses 21-25 of the
idolatry of sinners. If the devotion we should be giving to God and others is misplaced, then we are committing idolatry, and this idolatry is the underlying principle
within Paul's discussion of the worship of God. It is important to note that he is speaking to all people, and the reference Paul makes to homosexual behavior illustrates
the point he is making concerning idolatry-a point he wants all people, whether they experience homosexual attraction or not, to understand.

Just as God's righteousness and justice is revealed in accordance with our faith and worship of Him, the injustice or the unrighteousness of human beings is revealed
through our deficient faith or deficient worship of Him. "Not to worship God is to worship something else, [meaning it is thinking] something else is more valuable than
God . . . Even in its simplest and seemingly most innocent forms, it is idolatry." (See Faulconer, 73.)

The idolatrous "hold the truth in unrighteousness" in that they suppress the truth of God's goodness and glory through their actions-"suppress" being an alternate
translation of the word translated "hold" in (verse 18) To most Hebrews and many Greeks within early Greek-speaking Christianity, "truth [was] connected to
acquaintance and experience more than to a recitation of facts." In their culture, "knowledge [was] not merely knowing these facts, but rather living and experiencing
them as true.[JEF2] . . . Though ancient Greek and Hebrew writers would certainly have thought that such lists of facts were true, they did not think that a knowledge
of those lists was the primary manifestation of truth." [Ty: all preceding quotations from Faulconer?] (yes) [Then the precise page number/s for each one needs to be
supplied] In their understanding, to know God is not to know about Him as much as it is to be acquainted with Him. A similar thought is expressed in Jesus'
intercessory prayer to the Father. He said, "And this??? life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent" (John 17:3).

In our modern Western culture, we commonly think of the truth as something that can be believed or at least understood apart from our righteousness, but for Paul and
others of his time, the truth is moral as well as factual: Truth is not truth to a person unless it is lived. A prime example of this connection in Greek thought is the word
apeitheo, which can be translated as both "to disbelieve" and "to disobey," thus indicating that these people connected belief/disbelief with obedience/disobedience.

The Prophet Joseph Smith changed the phrase "who hold the truth in unrighteousness" to "who love not the truth, but remain in unrighteousness" to show what it means
to hold the truth in unrighteousness. To say that loving the truth and remaining in unrighteousness are opposed to one another is to say that to remain in unrighteousness
is not to love the truth. (See Faulconer, 74-75.) Brigham Young once said, "Do you think that people will obey the truth because it is true, unless they love it? No, they
will not. Truth is obeyed when it is loved." (Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, 7:55.) If we love the truth, then we do not seek to "hold" or "suppress" it through
our unrighteousness. Likewise, the degree to which we are unrighteous is the degree to which we fail to know and love Christ and the truths of His gospel.

The next few verses-and verses 20-21 specifically-are especially important in helping us understand why Paul uses homosexual behavior as a type for idolatry in
general. (A type is any person, event, ritual, or image that represents, symbolizes, or points forward to any other person, event, ritual, or image of even greater
importance; see Mosiah 3:15; 13:10, 30-31; Alma 13:16; 25:15; 33:19; 37:45.)

Paul speaks of two principal methods for understanding God's truth. The first is implied in the phrase "that which may be known of God is manifest in them" (Romans
1:19). The word translated "manifest" is especially significant. It can also be translated "to shine forth" and carries with it the idea of light. (See Faulconer, 77.) This idea
resonates with Latter-day Saints because of their understanding of the light of Christ, which, as Moroni taught, "is given to every man, that he may know good from
evil" (Moroni 7:16; see also vv. 12-19). [dbl chk Moro speaking]

One might suppose that most people act unrighteously out of ignorance; however, we know from the Book of Mormon that those who are truly ignorant are not
accountable for their sins, and God will not punish them for those sins. That is one of the blessings of Christ's merciful Atonement. Jacob taught, "Where there is no law
given there is no punishment; and where there is no punishment there is no condemnation; and where there is no condemnation the mercies of the Holy One of Israel
have claim upon them, because of the atonement; for they are delivered by the power of him" (Nephi 9:25). But because of the gift of the light of Christ that is
"manifest" in us, neither Paul nor Moroni seems to believe that we, for the most part, act unrighteously out of ignorance. In an alternate translation of these verses, Paul
could be understood as saying that all people already have the truth of God "manifest in them (through the 'light of Christ'), for God made it manifest in them." (See
Faulconer, 77.)

Paul's second method for knowing truth is found in verse 20, where, in addition to the light of Christ, Paul appeals to the creation of the world as a second method or
model for knowing truth. Consider the phrase "the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made,
even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse" (Romans 1:20). Paul is saying that implicit in the creation of the world, the visible things that God
has made help us to understand what is not physically visible to us-namely, God's power and divinity-when we have truly contemplated them and sought to understand
them. (See Faulconer, 77.)

Alma taught this same principle in his confrontation with Korihor, the anti-Christ: "Will ye deny again that there is a God, and also deny the Christ? . . . And now what
evidence have ye that there is no God, or that Christ cometh not? I say unto you that ye have none, save it be your word only. But, behold, I have all things as a
testimony that these things are true; and ye also have all things as a testimony unto you that they are true; and will ye deny them? . . . I know that thou believest, but thou
art possessed with a lying spirit, and ye have put off the Spirit of God that it may have no place in you . . . yea, and all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth,
and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme
Creator" (Alma 30:39-42, 44; italics added).

Through the light of Christ and the creation of the world-two important ways for learning truth-everyone is capable of, first, knowing the truths of God if they will
honestly strive to do so, and, second, living the truths they do know. Every child of God has been given capacity to distinguish between good and evil. The light of
Christ is felt universally, though some may not know what to call it or how to explain it. Those not familiar with the truths of the gospel of Christ may refer to this Light
as a conscience, or maybe a gut feeling, but even those who are ignorant of the finer points of what the gospel requires of us, if they are truly honest with themselves,
can see the essentials of what is right and what is wrong. "If we are evil, it is because we refuse to be good, not because we cannot be good or because we are
ignorant . . . Therefore, Paul says, those who are impious and unjust have no excuse." (See Faulconer, 79.)

One thing we see through the light of Christ and implicit in the creation of the world concerning "the invisible things of [God]" is "his eternal power and Godhead." The
Greek word translated "power" indicates not only sheer strength or power to overcome, as seems to be the case with the English word, but also ability to act-the
eternal capacity to create.[JEF3] "In the creation we see the things that make Him God . . . [and] His creative power [is] something that distinguishes Him from the
supposed divinity of the false gods, idols that are made and cannot make anything themselves."
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Understanding this idea is crucial to understanding the reference to homosexual behavior. A central tenet of the fulness of the gospel of Christ is that creative power, the
power to parent, is a mark of true divinity. In reference to the godly power of creation, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said: "Physical intimacy is . . . symbolic of a shared
relationship between them and their Father in Heaven. He is immortal and perfect. We are mortal and imperfect. Nevertheless we seek ways even in mortality whereby
One thing we see through the light of Christ and implicit in the creation of the world concerning "the invisible things of [God]" is "his eternal power and Godhead." The
Greek word translated "power" indicates not only sheer strength or power to overcome, as seems to be the case with the English word, but also ability to act-the
eternal capacity to create.[JEF3] "In the creation we see the things that make Him God . . . [and] His creative power [is] something that distinguishes Him from the
supposed divinity of the false gods, idols that are made and cannot make anything themselves."

Understanding this idea is crucial to understanding the reference to homosexual behavior. A central tenet of the fulness of the gospel of Christ is that creative power, the
power to parent, is a mark of true divinity. In reference to the godly power of creation, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said: "Physical intimacy is . . . symbolic of a shared
relationship between them and their Father in Heaven. He is immortal and perfect. We are mortal and imperfect. Nevertheless we seek ways even in mortality whereby
we can unite with Him spiritually. In so doing we gain some access to both the grace and the majesty of His power . . . These are moments when we quite literally unite
our will with God's will, our spirit with His Spirit, where communion through the veil becomes very real. At such moments we not only acknowledge His divinity but we
quite literally take something of that divinity to ourselves. One aspect of that divinity given to virtually all men and women is the use of His power to create a human
body, that wonder of all wonders, a genetically and spiritually unique being never before seen in the history of the world and never to be duplicated again in all the ages
of eternity. A child, your child-with eyes and ears and fingers and toes and a future of unspeakable grandeur." (Jeffrey R. Holland, "Personal Purity," Ensign, Nov.
1998, 75.)

On an earlier occasion, he had said: "Imagine that, if you will, . . . all of us . . . carrying daily, hourly, minute-to-minute, virtually every waking and sleeping moment of
our lives, the power and the chemistry and the eternally transmitted seeds of life to grant someone else her second estate, someone else his next level of development in
the divine plan of salvation . . . I submit to you that you will never be more like God at any other time in this life than when you are expressing that particular power. Of
all the titles he has chosen for himself, Father is the one he declares, and Creation is his watchword-especially human creation, creation in His image. His glory isn't a
mountain, as stunning as mountains are. It isn't in sea or sky or snow or sunrise, as beautiful as they all are. It isn't in art or technology, be that a concerto or computer.
No, his glory-and his grief-is in His children. You and I, we are his prized possessions, and we are the earthly evidence, however inadequate, of what He truly is.
Human life-that is the greatest of God's powers, the most mysterious and magnificent chemistry of it all-and you and I have been given it. . . . You and I who can make
neither mountain nor moonlight, not one raindrop nor a single rose-yet we have this greater gift in an absolutely unlimited way. And the only control placed on us is self-
control-self-control born of respect for the divine sacramental power it is." (Jeffrey R. Holland, "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments." Given at a Brigham Young
University devotional on 2 January 1988; italics added.)

Again, God's creative power is a significant point of Paul's discourse as he sets the stage for his reference to homosexual behavior. The phrase "when they knew God,
they glorified him not as God, neither were they thankful" [cite] could also be translated as "though they knew God, they did not give the glory due to Him as God and
they were not thankful to Him." Professor Faulconer writes: "Those against whom God has directed His wrath may not have known Him personally, but they have
known Him through the light of Christ . . . Had sinners acknowledged what they knew through the Light of Christ and acted rightly, they would have glorified God. But
because they have sinned, they cannot glorify God as He is. Sin is implicitly but necessarily a denial of the Father. A refusal of His righteousness is equally a refusal of
Him, because that righteousness and justice are an essential part of what He is. Therefore, even if those enmeshed in sin seem to glorify the Father, they necessarily
glorify something else, and to glorify something other than the Father is idolatry. Idolatry is also at the heart of an absent conscience, for both are a refusal to recognize
God as God." (Faulconer, 81-82)

Those whom Paul accuses of idolatry "became vain in their imaginations." A contemporary English translation for "imaginations" would be "thoughts" or "reasonings."
Their reasonings were not only useless but also idolatrous. The word translated "imaginations" is "often, if not always, used negatively in the New Testament and refers
to the undisciplined use of the mind, especially in service to a corrupt heart . . . [and] the people of Paul's time considered the heart to be the [essence] of the human
being. The heart can connote such things as counsel and courage, as well as wisdom and feeling." [Cite]

In the phrase "their foolish heart was darkened," [cite] Paul is saying that sinners or idolaters have a heart that lacks wisdom. "These people claim to be wise but have
been made foolish. They are sinful because they have claimed to be wise. They vaunt themselves and in so doing refuse to see what God has placed before their eyes in
the creation of the world . . . The phrase professing themselves to be wise, they became fools tells us that, while claiming to be wise, idolaters were actually stupefied
by their sinfulness. This is what happens to those who claim to be wise, especially when the wisdom they profess denies what God has made manifest in them and all
around them." (See Faulconer, 82-83.)

Nephi's brother Jacob similarly declared, "O the vainness, and the frailties, and the foolishness of men! When they are learned they think they are wise, and they
hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not" (Nephi
9:28). Their heart does not understand the Creation and refuses to discern between good and evil. By refusing to discern good from evil, they darken the light that
would make it possible for them to discern. A revelation to Joseph Smith states: "The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth. Light and truth
forsake that evil one. And that wicked one cometh and taketh away light and truth, through disobedience, from the children of men" (D&C 93:36-37, 39).

The idolaters of every kind that Paul is describing in the phrase "changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image" [cite] "exchanged the truth of God, which
God planted in their hearts by creating them, for the lie of idolatry. They worshiped the creature more than the Creator. The irony is that the very creation they
worshipped would have revealed the truth of God to them-a truth about his glory that would have glorified them-if they had been willing to understand it." (Faulconer,
83-84.)

In the phrase "God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves," [cite] "gave them up" is
a "literal translation of a verb that . . . means 'abandon' and more fully captures the awfulness of what is described. Idolaters abandon God and are, in turn and perhaps
necessarily, abandoned by him until they repent. . . . God not only permits idolaters to sin, he gives them over to their sins and to the lust and dishonor they feel is their
just reward. He gives idolaters what they say they want." God "punishes" them-although this isn't what we usually think of when we use the word punish-by allowing
them to be alienated from Him. (See Faulconer, 86.) [JEF4]

The uncleanness referred to dishonors their spirits, which are the literal offspring of Divinity. As we see in the phrase "to dishonour their bodies between
themselves" [cite] when we sin-commit idolatry-we in our uncleanness dishonor not only our spirit but also, by extension, our body. For since the spirit is an essential
part of the soul of an individual, and the soul of an individual-as we learn in the Doctrine and Covenants-is both body and spirit combined, any sin also dishonors the
body (D&C 88:15).

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught the converse of this principle in speaking on sexual transgression: "The body is an essential part of the soul. This distinctive and very
important Latter-day Saint doctrine underscores why sexual sin is so serious. We declare that one who uses the God-given body of another without divine sanction
abuses the very soul of that individual, abuses the central purpose and processes of life . . . In exploiting the body of another-which means exploiting his or her soul-one
desecrates the Atonement of Christ, which saved that soul and which makes possible the gift of eternal life. And when one mocks the Son of Righteousness, one steps
into a realm of heat hotter and holier than the noonday sun. You cannot do so and not be burned . . . In sexual transgression the soul is at stake-the body and the
spirit." (Jeffrey R. Holland, "Personal Purity," Ensign, Nov. 1998, 75; italics added.)

The phrase "who changed the truth of God into a lie" [cite] refers to those who abandon God for the lieof idol worship. (See Faulconer, 87.) "The truth of God" refers
to the truth that through faith in Jesus Christ we can again be a part of the Father's universal order-part of His plan "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of
man"    (Moses
 Copyright   (c)1:39). "Those Infobase
                 2005-2009,    who, by sinning,  refuse to recognize God, exchange this truth for the lie that the world is ordered by something other thanPage
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term lie means not just a lie, but what is [contrary to God's purposes] . . . Sometimes when we sin we think that our own desires order the world. Other times we think
it is ordered only by supposedly natural processes. We also, at times, let the world and our lives be ordered by greed and self-interest. In all cases, sinners give up the
truth of God for idolatry." (See Faulconer, 87.)
spirit." (Jeffrey R. Holland, "Personal Purity," Ensign, Nov. 1998, 75; italics added.)

The phrase "who changed the truth of God into a lie" [cite] refers to those who abandon God for the lieof idol worship. (See Faulconer, 87.) "The truth of God" refers
to the truth that through faith in Jesus Christ we can again be a part of the Father's universal order-part of His plan "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of
man" (Moses 1:39). "Those who, by sinning, refuse to recognize God, exchange this truth for the lie that the world is ordered by something other than God . . . The
term lie means not just a lie, but what is [contrary to God's purposes] . . . Sometimes when we sin we think that our own desires order the world. Other times we think
it is ordered only by supposedly natural processes. We also, at times, let the world and our lives be ordered by greed and self-interest. In all cases, sinners give up the
truth of God for idolatry." (See Faulconer, 87.)

In the phrase "and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator," Paul makes what is probably the most poignant reference to idolatry and "continues to
use the language of exchange. Idolaters worship what is created rather than the creator . . . They worship the created world 'in place of' its Creator. They may worship
the world itself, the things in that world, idols, or other humans. They probably worship themselves in addition to whatever else they claim to worship. In any case, they
worship the creation-the creature-rather than the Creator. Sin is always idolatrous because it replaces God, who should be [at the center of] our hearts, with something
else. Sin replaces the Creator with one of his creations." (See Faulconer, 88.)

When we as creatures lose (?) our connection to the Creator, we lose the meaning of our existence. Nephi talks about the necessity for the connection to the "true
vine"-the Creator-in order for us to receive spiritual strength and nourishment (Nephi 15:15). When our eye is on something other than the Father, we value something
more than we value Him. Thus, when our eye is not single to his glory, or when we sin, we are idolaters. (See Faulconer, 88.)

Verses 26 and 27 are Paul's first reference in Romans 1 to homosexual behavior, which he references in order to make a distinctive contrast. It is essential to note that
Paul in the New Testament is using homosexual sin as a type for all sexual transgression, much as Hosea in the Old Testament used heterosexual sin-a prophet marrying
a harlot-to illustrate the same point. Sexuality in and of itself is divine and is a part of what God made us to be. According to the Latter-day Saint understanding of the
restored fulness of the gospel, in the eternities it is an essential part of the existence of all who become gods, for the highest glory of the heavens is that of exaltation in
the celestial kingdom, and exaltation is Eternal Life. Eternal Life is Godlife-it is the kind of life that He lives. His glory and the mark of His Godhood is eternal increase,
or "eternal lives."

The Prophet Joseph Smith taught, "Except a man and his wife enter into an everlasting covenant and be married for eternity . . . by the power and authority of the holy
priesthood, they will cease to increase when they die; that is, they will not have any children after the resurrection." (Joseph Smith, Teachings of the Prophet Joseph
Smith, 300.) The Prophet's grandnephew, President Joseph Fielding Smith, expounded on this important doctrine: "Some will gain celestial bodies with all the powers
of exaltation and eternal increase. These bodies will shine like the sun as our Savior's does, as described by John. (Revelation 1:12-18; D&C 110:1-4; Exodus 24:9-
10)

"Those who enter the terrestrial kingdom will have terrestrial bodies, and they will not shine like the sun, but they will be more glorious than the bodies of those who
receive the telestial glory. [problems here and below to be sorted out when source-checking is input] (?) In both of these kingdoms there will be changes in the bodies
and limitations. They will not have the power of increase, neither the power or nature to live as husbands and wives, for this will be denied them and they cannot
increase.

"Those who receive the exaltation in the celestial kingdom will have the 'continuation of the seeds forever.' (D&C 132:19) They will live in the family relationship. In the
terrestrial and in the telestial kingdoms there will be no marriage. Those who enter there will remain 'separately and singly' forever. (D&C 132:15-32)." (Joseph Fielding
Smith, Doctrines of Salvation, 2:287-88.)

Sexuality is a divine gift to each of God's literal offspring and is the ultimate symbol of divine creation. God is a God of creation, and only those who hold sacred that
divine gift of procreation will be granted use of it in the eternities. Though the physical expression of intimate love between married couples is not solely for the purpose
of creation, those sacred powers-and all expression of them-must be viewed with reverence. Perhaps the most meaningful way I have ever heard described the spirit of
the law surrounding those powers is that when we use those powers in any form that is purely self-serving-whether married or unmarried or with another person or
singly-we are abusing that sacred gift and must repent.

Those creative powers are to be used only within the bounds of the God-sanctioned institution of marriage between a man and a woman. Irreverence for and abuse of
sexual, procreative powers-whether homosexual or heterosexual-without sincere repentance disqualifies us for the gift of eternal increase that God desires to bestow
upon us. It is placing the creation above the Creator, which is idolatry. "In the Old Testament, idolatry is almost always associated with sexual sin in general, in part
because idolatry often involved sexual sin." And to the idol-worshiping people of the Greco-Roman world-who, not coincidentally, esteemed homosexual practices-
Paul uses homosexual sin as a type for all sexual sin because it clearly contrasts the creative power of God with the noncreative sin of homosexual actions.

With the eternal nature of sexuality understood, Paul could have used any heterosexual sexual transgression as his example, but to a spiritually undiscerning and
idolatrous people, that particular contrast would not have been nearly as evocative as the example of homosexual behavior. Richard Hayes, a theologian from Duke
University, writes that homosexual behavior provides a particularly graphic image of the way in which humanity, in their fallenness, often distort God's creative order in
their idolatry: "Paul's portrayal of homosexual behavior is of a secondary and illustrative character in relation to the main line of argument; however, the illustration is one
which both Paul and his readers would have regarded as particularly vivid. Rebellion against this Creator who may be 'clearly seen in the things that have been made' is
made palpable in the flouting of sexual distinctions that are fundamental to God's creative design. The reference to God as creator would certainly evoke for Paul as
well as for his readers, immediate recollections of the creation story in Genesis 1-3 . . .

"The complementarity of male and female is given a theological grounding in God's creative activity: God has made them to become 'one flesh.' By way of sharp
contrast, in Romans 1 Paul portrays homosexual activity as a 'sacrament' (so to speak) of the anti-religion of human beings who refuse to honor God as creator: it is an
outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual reality . . . Thus, Paul's choice of homosexuality as an illustration of human depravity is not merely random: it serves
his rhetorical purposes by providing a vivid image of humanity's primal rejection of the sovereignty of God the creator." (Richard B. Hayes, "Relations Natural and
Unnatural: A Response to John Boswell's Exegesis of Romans 1," The Journal of Religious Ethics (Spring 1986), 191.)

It is important to remember that it is to all readers of these verses that Paul is teaching that "sexual sin [of all types] . . . makes sexuality into a lie; it makes it false and
then worships that falseness. It mocks God profoundly, for it changes his glory-eternal increase, the creative power that marks His Godhead-into something profane.
For many, lust for the flesh, either heterosexual or homosexual, replaces godly desire. Of course, godly desire does not negate our existence in the flesh, and the
opposite of lust is not celibacy. Sexuality is very much part of what our Father has made us and, therefore, a part of what he wants us to be. Genuine, virtuous, godly
sexuality is far more than mere self-gratifying lust." (See Faulconer, 90.)

Paul's specific audience is not homosexuals exclusively; he speaks to all who lust, and not all lust is sexual; he speaks to all idolaters, and idolatry comes in many forms-
homosexual and heterosexual and nonsexual alike. It is also important to note that Paul is not referring to the challenge of same-gender attraction. There is no sin in the
attraction; it is merely a challenge that will affect spirituality or righteousness only as we allow it to. What Paul is talking about is submission to the attraction-which is
idolatry.
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In this homosexual type for all idolatry-whether the idolatrous sin is sexual or otherwise-Paul uses the phrase "receiving in themselves," meaning that the sin of idolaters
becomes part of what they are. The idolaters are defined by their sins, or the nothingness of their "natural man" (Mosiah 3:19), rather than by the blessings and
righteousness of God's redeeming and regenerating power. Idolaters "receiv[e] in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet." [cite] Literally, "their
Paul's specific audience is not homosexuals exclusively; he speaks to all who lust, and not all lust is sexual; he speaks to all idolaters, and idolatry comes in many forms-
homosexual and heterosexual and nonsexual alike. It is also important to note that Paul is not referring to the challenge of same-gender attraction. There is no sin in the
attraction; it is merely a challenge that will affect spirituality or righteousness only as we allow it to. What Paul is talking about is submission to the attraction-which is
idolatry.

In this homosexual type for all idolatry-whether the idolatrous sin is sexual or otherwise-Paul uses the phrase "receiving in themselves," meaning that the sin of idolaters
becomes part of what they are. The idolaters are defined by their sins, or the nothingness of their "natural man" (Mosiah 3:19), rather than by the blessings and
righteousness of God's redeeming and regenerating power. Idolaters "receiv[e] in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet." [cite] Literally, "their
error" means "their deceit of themselves" and could appropriately be translated as "self-deceit." "Their sin is not only a mistake, it is an act of self-deceit. Sinners go
against what they know to be true by the Light of Christ, their own existence," and "receiv[e] in themselves," or become, that which is meet (or appropriate) to their
sins. (See Faulconer, 90-91.)

The gospel antithesis of this [Ty: pls clarify. This what? needs to be only a couple of words or so] is to become what God would have us become as we "receiv[e] in
ourselves" His righteousness and power. As we "hunger and thirst" after God and His righteousness, we will be "filled with the Holy Ghost" (Nephi 12:6) which will, as
the people of King Benjamin experienced, bring about "a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good
continually" (Mosiah 5:2). If we are losing our desire to do evil and are gaining the "mind of Christ" [cite], then we are beginning to see things as our Heavenly Father
and His Son, Jesus Christ, see them and are progressing toward the conversion celestial life requires. We heed the command to "Be ye holy; for I am holy" (1 Peter
1:16).(See Dallin H. Oaks, "The Challenge to Become," Ensign, November 2000.)

The remainder of the first chapter of Paul's epistle to the Roman Saints describes what happens to those who "receiv[e] into themselves" their idolatrous worship. The
phrase "as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind" could also be translated "they did not think it fit to recognize
God." [Ty: for all these alternate translations, Faulconer is your source? If so, let me know, because we need to indicate that clearly, and I'll need to get some help here
with that.] (Yes, he is my source, and I had his translation in the "appendix," which, if I understand you correctly, will no longer be in the final manuscript?) [Ty: there
will be no appendix. We can put his whole translation into a note, if there is room, but since we still have to credit your source for each individual quotation (unless we
can lump them all together into one note at the end of a paragraph) I don't think that will be necessary. Esp. in view of our concerns about length of the MS.] "These
people were not merely unknowing; they refused to know God . . . Another way to look at this is that those whom Paul describes have refused to recognize their ability
to judge good from evil . . . In other words, they have refused the light of Christ. As a result, they have refused to experience God; they have refused to know Him."
And because of this refusal, "God gave them over to a reprobate mind."

An alternate translation for the phrase "gave them over" is "left them to" and "helps clarify that Paul does not mean that God played any role in their sins . . . The
scriptures make it clear that the Lord does not cause people to do evil, and the phrase gave them up thus cannot mean that these people could not choose otherwise or
repent once they sinned." The word translated "mind" means "something broader than our concept of mind. For the Greeks of Paul's time, mind referred to the totality
of both moral and mental existence." Good thinking and morality cannot be separated. "Because these sinners did not think it appropriate to concern themselves with
understanding God, who is ultimately the supreme thing worth understanding, the Father allowed them to have inappropriate, unfit, and worthless minds . . . God gave
them over to what they demanded: minds not fitted to understanding Him." (See Faulconer, 91-92.)

In verses 29-31 of Romans 1, Paul gives a rather comprehensive list of sins-varying in degree of seriousness-of those who have chosen to worship something other
than God. Finally, just as verse 17 concludes with spiritual life for the faithful who worship the Father, verse 32 concludes with death-most likely spiritual death, or the
"chains of hell" (Alma 12:11)-for the unfaithful who do not worship Him.

In writing this epistle to the Roman Saints, Paul hoped to teach them how they could escape the enslavement of spiritual death. From the context of his reference to
homosexual behavior, it does not seem that he intended for the letter to be an attack on homosexuality or on individuals who experience same-gender attraction.
Rather, he used this particular behavior to illustrate the much deeper and more universal problem of idolatry. Our Father anxiously but patiently stands ready to reveal
His righteousness and power unto His faithful children, but if they choose to worship the creations over the Creator, they abandon Him and thus make it impossible for
Him to grant His spirit. If we worship our procreative powers and abuse them in any way. we deny the mark of true divinity with which God has entrusted us. But if our
belief in Him really is one of profound faith and trust, causing us to choose Him over what seems so much more enticing at the moment, then will we truly understand
what it means to be like Him. Then will we truly understand what it means to worship.

Considering Paul's letter to the Roman Saints, it is important to note that even though we can genuinely have a spiritual conviction that homosexual behavior is
completely contrary to the Father's eternal purposes for His children-and have those feelings without any trace of bigotry or hatred toward those who participate in it-
we must also remember that we cannot feel personal prejudice or hatred toward those who experience homosexual attraction (even those who participate in
homosexual behavior) and use our religion to justify that prejudice and hatred. Dr. Hayes of Duke University notes: "Certainly any discussion of the . . . application of
Romans 1 must not neglect the powerful impact of Paul's rhetorical reversal in Romans 2:1: all of us stand 'without excuse' before God, Jews and Gentiles alike,
heterosexuals and homosexuals alike. Thus, Romans 1 should decisively undercut any self-righteous condemnation of homosexual behavior. Those who follow the
church's tradition by upholding the authority of Paul's teaching against the morality of homosexual acts must do so with due humility." (Richard B. Hayes, "Relations
Natural and Unnatural: A Response to John Boswell's Exegesis of Romans 1," The Journal of Religious Ethics (Spring 1986), 210; italics added.)

1. (With the review and approval of James E. Faulconer, the following discussion relies heavily on his previous work found in James E. Faulconer, Romans 1: Notes
and Reflections, 55-97. In addition, I thank Richard Draper, professor of ancient scripture in the Department of Ancient Scripture at Brigham Young University.
Currently managing director of Publications for the Religious Studies Center, he has reviewed this section for historical, contextual, and doctrinal accuracy.

2. Joseph Smith Translation with Changes from the KJV in italics

16The gospel of Christ . . . is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth . . . rom. 1:1717For therein is the righteousness of God revealed through faith
on his name; as it is written, The just shall live by faith.

rom. 1:1818For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men; who love not the truth, but remain in unrighteousness,
rom. 1:1919After that which may be known of God is manifest to them. rom. 1:2020For God hath revealed unto them the invisible things of him, from the creation of
the world, which are clearly seen; things which are not seen being understood by the things that are made, through his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are
without excuse;

rom. 1:2121Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were they thankful, but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish hearts
were darkened. rom. 1:2222Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools. rom. 1:2323And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like
to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things.

rom. 1:2424Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, through the lusts of their own hearts; to dishonor their own bodies between themselves; rom.
1:2525Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.
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rom. 1:2626For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections; for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature; rom. 1:2727And
likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in
themselves that recompense of their error which was meet.
to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things.

rom. 1:2424Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, through the lusts of their own hearts; to dishonor their own bodies between themselves; rom.
1:2525Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.

rom. 1:2626For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections; for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature; rom. 1:2727And
likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in
themselves that recompense of their error which was meet.

rom. 1:2828And even as they did not like to retain God according to some knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not
convenient; rom. 1:2929Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity;
whisperers, rom. 1:3030Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, rom. 1:3131Without understanding,
covenant-breakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful; rom. 1:3232And some who, knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things
are worthy of death, are inexcusable, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.

Alternate Translation

16The gospel . . . is God's power to bring salvation for all those who are trusting . . . 17For through God's trust, God's justice is revealed by the gospel to those who
trust, even as it has been written: "And the just will live by trust."

18For God's wrath is revealed from heaven against all the impiety and injustice of those who suppress the truth by injustice. 19This occurs because that which is known
about God is manifest in them, for God made it manifest in them. 20Since the creation of the world, his unseen attributes, both his eternal power and his divinity, are
perceived when they are understood by means of his works. Thus, such persons are without excuse

21because, although they knew God, they did not glorify him as God, nor were they thankful. Instead, they were brought to futility in their speculations, and their
undiscerning hearts were darkened. 22Claiming to be wise, they became foolish, 23and they exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for the likeness of an image
of corruptible man, and of birds, and of beasts, and of reptiles.

24For this reason, God abandoned them in the lusts of their hearts to uncleanness that they might dishonor their bodies with one another; 25they exchanged the truth of
God for the lie and worshipped and served the created thing in place of the Creator, who is to be praised for eternity. Amen.

26This is why God gave them over to dishonorable passions: even the females changed the natural use to that against nature. 27In the same way, the males, having
forsaken the natural use of the female, burned in their lust toward one another, males acting out shamefulness among males, and receiving in return the reward that was
appropriate for their self-deceit.

28Just as they did not think it fit to maintain a knowledge of God, God left them to an unfit mind, to do the things that are improper: 29having been filled with all
injustice, malice, insatiability, and vice; full of envy, murder, quarrels, deceit, and conspiracy; being gossips, 30slanders, God-haters over-reaching, proud, braggarts,
devisers of evil, disobedient to parents, 31undiscerning, covenant breaking, unloving, unmerciful-32they are they who, having known the judgment of God, namely, that
those who practice such things are worthy of death, not only do, but also approve of those who practice them. (Romans 1:16-32, Translation by James E. Faulconer;
Found in James E. Faulconer, Romans 1: Notes and Reflections (FARMS publication, 1999), xxiv-xxv.)

[JEF1]I agree with this understanding of "mysteries," but since it isn't obvious you may wish to briefly explain why you understand the term in this way.

[JEF2]This is much more true of Hebrew culture than of Greek. Because of the Hebrew influence on early Christianity, it is, I believe, also true of early Greek-speaking
Christianity, but that is my opinion rather than a generally accepted scholarly fact.

[JEF3]Here's another example of paraphrase that is very close to my language, but in this case isn't footnoted. The things I've said about Greek words in the text are
not usually only reports of what one finds in the lexicon. They are my interpretations of those words. Depending on what the standard for paraphrase is, this may be a
general problem in your paper.

[JEF4]I don't know how important it is to say so explicitly, but on my reading this isn't what we usually think of as punishment. I certainly wouldn't use that word
without making a note to that effect or putting it between scare quotes.

The Message of Paul to the World

My spiritual journey to a better understanding of my personal experience with same-gender attraction, as well as my discussions with many others who also experience
this attraction and about whom I cared a great deal, has caused me to ask some deep questions and ponder the purpose of my existence and the meaning of my
discipleship of Christ and the Father. I had always thought of myself as a disciple who loved the Lord and was willing to give anything for Him, but that love and
discipleship have often been called into question, and I have too often been found wanting.

The truths I had learned concerning worship and discipleship-and the idolatrous lack thereof-were ideas that made sense on a theological level. I had taught them in one
form or another while serving the Lord as a full-time missionary and while working as a teacher at the Missionary Training Center. But I had never been tried to a
degree that required me to internalize them to the magnitude necessary to remain faithful to my God until I was forced to confront my feelings of same-gender attraction.

The truths about worship and idolatry I have pondered again and again, continually reminding myself of their importance as I seek to deepen my communion with the
Father and my worship of Him. Worship and idolatry have been recurring themes of discussion with other individuals who also experience same-gender attraction.
These ideas have affected me as I have thought deeply about their implication and application for me. With a deeper understanding of Paul's teachings to the Romans, I
have begun to see how those teachings relate to every individual child of God, to me in particular, and to others who experience the challenge of same-gender
attraction.

Worship and Idolatry

Our Father placed in the soul of each of His children the attribute of worship. President George A. Smith said, "There is a feeling in the human breast to reverence
something. We find it among the untutored savages; we find it among what are denominated the heathen nations-among those who are considered pagans, bowing
down to worship images, the workmanship of their own hands." (George A. Smith in Journal of Discourses, 5:359.)

In our hearts is a natural capacity for affection and an instinctive desire to direct that affection toward something or someone. As noted earlier, Elder James E. Talmage
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said that the(c) 2005-2009,
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                                             those affections "depends upon his comprehension of the worthiness characterizing the object of his reverence.Page     48 / 71
                                                                                                                                                             . . . True
worship cannot exist where there is no reverence or love for the object. This reverence may be ill-founded; the adoration may be a species of idolatry; the object may
be in fact unworthy; yet of the devotee it must be said that he worships if his conscience clothe the idol with the attribute of worthy-ship." (James E. Talmage, Articles
down to worship images, the workmanship of their own hands." (George A. Smith in Journal of Discourses, 5:359.)

In our hearts is a natural capacity for affection and an instinctive desire to direct that affection toward something or someone. As noted earlier, Elder James E. Talmage
said that the manner in which one directs those affections "depends upon his comprehension of the worthiness characterizing the object of his reverence. . . . True
worship cannot exist where there is no reverence or love for the object. This reverence may be ill-founded; the adoration may be a species of idolatry; the object may
be in fact unworthy; yet of the devotee it must be said that he worships if his conscience clothe the idol with the attribute of worthy-ship." (James E. Talmage, Articles
of Faith, 398.)

The first great commandment that came from Sinai was "I am the Lord thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thou
shalt have no other gods before me" (Exodus 20:2-3). God is the literal Father of our spirits and is to be the principal focus of our worship. The Great Jehovah, or
Jesus Christ, is our Redeemer and Savior and spiritual Deliverer from this fallen world, of which Egypt is a symbol. But for spiritual redemption and deliverance from
the world to have full effect, we must be willing to put Christ and our Father before all other gods.

The second great commandment seems to be an extension of the first: "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven
above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a
jealous God" (Exodus 20:4-5). The danger of these graven images is not in their reminding us of Him as the object of our worship but rather in being or becoming
something that would represent Him or replace Him as the object of our worship. In short, "graven images" are anything that would steal our affections away from Him.
According to the law of Moses, those who "walk after other gods, and serve them, and worship them" are worthy of death (Deuteronomy 8:19-20; see also 13:6-11).

To fully worship God the Father, we must come to know Him, for there is no salvation in worshipping unknown gods. Elder Neil A. Maxwell explained, "If the Master
is a stranger to us, then we will merely end up serving other masters." (Neal A. Maxwell, "Swallowed up in the will of the father," Ensign, November 1995) Elder
McConkie said, "The approved worship of the true God leads to salvation; devotions rendered to false gods and which are not founded on eternal truth carry no such
assurance. . . . It does not matter one particle how sincerely someone may believe that God is a golden calf, or that he is an immaterial, uncreated power that is in all
things; the worship of such a being or concept has no saving power.

"Men may believe with all their souls that images or powers or laws are God, but no amount of devotion to these concepts will ever give the power that leads to
immortality and eternal life. If a man worships a cow or a crocodile, he can gain any reward that cows and crocodiles happen to be passing out this season. If he
worships the laws of the universe or the forces of nature, no doubt the earth will continue to spin, the sun to shine, and the rains to fall on the just and on the unjust. But
if he worships the true and living God, in spirit and in truth, then God Almighty will pour out his Spirit upon him, and he will have power to raise the dead, move
mountains, entertain angels, and walk in celestial streets." (Bruce R. McConkie, "How to Worship," Ensign, December 1971.)

Idolatry is a sin against God who is our Father, but its seriousness differs to some degree between those outside the Lord's Church and those inside it. The contrast in
seriousness could be compared to the sins of fornication and adultery. Fornication is a sin of serious magnitude, but for an individual who has entered into a covenant
relationship with a spouse and who then engages in sexual relations outside that marriage covenant, that same act is adultery and becomes an even more serious sin.

That is how it is with idolatry of every form. Those who worship false gods outside a covenant relationship with God are sinning, but those who worship false gods
when they have made covenants to faithfully serve God and Him only, the sin of idolatry becomes spiritual adultery. In fact, in the Old Testament, the connection within
covenant Israel between idolatry and adultery was so strong that they were often used as synonyms, whether the sins committed were sexual or not.1

The spiritual covenant between Jehovah and Israel being symbolized by a marriage bond is found throughout the Old Testament. "I am married unto you," the Lord
declared to covenant Israel (Jeremiah 3:14; see also Isaiah 54:5-7; Jeremiah 31:32). "I will betroth thee unto me for ever; yea, I will betroth thee unto me in
righteousness, and in judgment, and in loving kindness, and in mercies. I will even betroth thee unto me in faithfulness" (Hosea 2:19-20).

New Testament scriptures continue the powerful symbolism typifying the Church as a bride and Christ as the Bridegroom. Jesus' parable of the ten virgins is full of
marriage imagery, and Paul later declared to the Corinthian Saints, "I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ" (Matthew
25:1-13; 2 Corinthians 11:2). As John received his apocalyptic revelation, he saw at the second coming of the Lord "the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from
God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband" (Revelation 21:2).

But as Andrew Skinner, dean of Religious Education at Brigham Young University, has said, "Nothing is more worthless or hurtful than false promises of
fidelity." (Andrew C. Skinner, "Israel and Judah in the Ninth and Eighth Centuries Before Christ," as published in Kent P. Jackson, ed., Studies in Scripture, Vol. 4: 1
Kings to Malachi, 44.) Israel, after she had covenanted with the Lord, "went a whoring after other gods" (Judges 2:17). "She decked herself with her earrings and her
jewels, and she went after her lovers, and forgat me, saith the Lord" (Hosea 2:13). The Lord also cried out to unfaithful Israel, "Thou hast discovered thyself to another
than me, and art gone up; thou hast enlarged thy bed, and made thee a covenant with them; thou lovedst their bed where thou sawest it" (Isaiah 57:8). Through
Jeremiah, the Lord declared: "Surely as a wife treacherously departeth from her husband, so have ye dealt treacherously with me, O house of Israel, saith the Lord. . . .
And it came to pass through the lightness of her whoredom, that she defiled the land, and committed adultery with stones and with stocks" (Jeremiah 2:20; 3:9).
Moreover, the book of Hosea is entirely devoted to depicting idolatry as adultery.

Idolatry can come in many forms. Some blatantly reject God and any semblance of traditional morality and indulge themselves in immoral behavior, sexual or otherwise.
Others allow other good and worthy things or genuine needs to take priority over Him. And there is the idolatry in which things that are sacred and central to the true
gospel-such as sexuality, knowledge, goodness, happiness, and family-can become corrupted. Of course, there is a great range of degrees and types of idolatry.

The chief point is that failing to worship God as the ultimate end and focus of our worship is to worship something else-to find something else to be more valuable than
He is. Even in its simplest and seemingly most innocent forms, it is idolatry. Sin of any kind could at its root be labeled idolatry because those actions-whatever their
severity-have a greater place in our heart than God does. Therefore, even if those enmeshed in sin seem to glorify the Father, they necessarily glorify something else,
and to glorify something other than the Father is idolatry. King Benjamin said, "I cannot tell you all the things whereby ye may commit sin; for there are divers ways and
means, even so many that I cannot number them" (Mosiah 4:29). To the degree that we are sinful, we are idolatrous; and to the degree that we are idolatrous, we
suppress the truth and thus cannot know it. As Paul declared, no idolater "hath any inheritance in the Kingdom of Christ and of God" (Ephesians 5:5).

At the beginning of this dispensation, in a revelation received during a conference of elders of the Church in Kirtland, Ohio, the Lord referred to modern idolatry: "They
seek not the Lord to establish his righteousness, but every man walketh in his own way, and after the image of his own God, whose image is in the likeness of the
world, and whose substance is that of an idol, which waxeth old and shall perish in Babylon, even Babylon the great, which shall fall" (D&C 1:16). Even more recently,
President Ezra Taft Benson said, "As a church, we are . . . most concerned about . . . the trend of modern idolatry in our midst where men seem to venerate their
possessions more than they do their God." (Ezra Taft Benson, This Nation Shall Endure, 155.)

Elder Neal A. Maxwell stated, "To the extent that we are not willing to be led by the Lord, we will be driven by our appetites, or we will be greatly preoccupied with
the lesser things of the day. The remedy is implicit in the marvelous lamentation of King Benjamin: 'For how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and
who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart?' (Mosiah 5:13). For many moderns, sad to say, the query 'What think ye of
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Christ?' (Matt. 22:42) would be answered, 'I really don't think of Him at all!'" (Neal A. Maxwell, "Swallowed up in the will of the father," Ensign, November  1995.)

President Spencer W. Kimball defined idolatry as including "both tangible and less tangible things, and everything which entices a person away from duty, loyalty, and
Elder Neal A. Maxwell stated, "To the extent that we are not willing to be led by the Lord, we will be driven by our appetites, or we will be greatly preoccupied with
the lesser things of the day. The remedy is implicit in the marvelous lamentation of King Benjamin: 'For how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and
who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart?' (Mosiah 5:13). For many moderns, sad to say, the query 'What think ye of
Christ?' (Matt. 22:42) would be answered, 'I really don't think of Him at all!'" (Neal A. Maxwell, "Swallowed up in the will of the father," Ensign, November 1995.)

President Spencer W. Kimball defined idolatry as including "both tangible and less tangible things, and everything which entices a person away from duty, loyalty, and
love for and service to God." He continued, "Idolatry is among the most serious of sins. There are unfortunately millions today who prostrate themselves before images
of gold and silver and wood and stone and clay. But the idolatry we are most concerned with here is the conscious worshiping of still other gods. Some are of metal
and plush and chrome, of wood and stone and fabrics. They are not in the image of God or of man, but are developed to give man comfort and enjoyment, to satisfy
his wants, ambitions, passions and desires. Some are in no physical form at all, but are intangible.

"Many seem to 'worship' on an elemental basis-they live to eat and drink. They are like the children of Israel who, though offered the great freedoms associated with
national development under God's personal guidance, could not lift their minds above the 'flesh pots of Egypt.' They cannot seem to rise above satisfying their bodily
appetites. As Paul put it, their 'God is their belly' (Philippians 3:19).

"Modern idols or false gods can take such forms as clothes, homes, businesses, machines, automobiles, pleasure boats, and numerous other material deflectors from
the path to godhood. What difference does it make that the item concerned is not shaped like an idol? Brigham Young said: 'I would as soon see a man worshipping a
little god made of brass or of wood as to see him worshipping his property.'

"Intangible things make just as ready gods. Degrees and letters and titles can become idols. Many young men decide to attend college when they should be on missions
first. The degree, and the wealth and the security which come through it, appear so desirable that the mission takes second place. Some neglect Church service through
their college years, feeling to give preference to the secular training and ignoring the spiritual covenants they have made.

"Many people build and furnish a home and buy the automobile first-and then find they 'cannot afford' to pay tithing. Whom do they worship? Certainly not the Lord of
heaven and earth, for we serve whom we love and give first consideration to the object of our affection and desires. Young married couples who postpone parenthood
until their degrees are attained might be shocked if their expressed preference were labeled idolatry. Their rationalization gives them degrees at the expense of children.
Is it a justifiable exchange? Whom do they love and worship-themselves or God? Other couples, recognizing that life is not intended primarily for comforts, ease, and
luxuries, complete their educations while they move forward with full lives, having their children and giving Church and community service.

"Many worship the hunt, the fishing trip, the vacation, the weekend picnics and outings. Others have as their idols the games of sport, baseball, football, the bullfight, or
golf. These pursuits more often than not interfere with the worship of the Lord and with giving service to the building up of the Kingdom of God. To the participants this
emphasis may not seem serious, yet it indicates where their allegiance and loyalty are.

"Still another image men worship is that of power and prestige. Many will trample underfoot the spiritual and often the ethical values in their climb to success. These
gods of power, wealth, and influence are most demanding and are quite as real as the golden calves of the children of Israel in the wilderness." (Spencer W. Kimball,
Miracle of Forgiveness, 40-41.)

None of the things placed in this world are inherently evil, but if we misuse them they can easily become evil. Alma counseled against setting our "hearts upon riches and
the vain things of the world; yea, I trust that you do not worship idols, but that ye do worship the true and living God" (Alma 7:6). Elder Russell M. Nelson said, "Few
find the way [to eternal life] because they ignore the divine road map provided by the Lord. An even more serious mistake is to ignore the Maker of the map. God
declared in the first of His Ten Commandments, 'Thou shalt have not other gods before me.' Yet carnal man tends to let his loyalty drift toward idols. For example, we
marvel at computers and the Internet that enable transmission of data with remarkable speed. We are truly grateful for these electronic servants. But if we let them take
over our time, pervert our potential, or poison our minds with pornography, they cease being servants and become instead false gods." (Russell M. Nelson, "Living by
Scriptural Guidance," Ensign, Nov. 2000, 16.)

Even good, inherently moral actions may become idolatrous if they are not performed as they should be. When we do things on His holy Sabbath that are not in
harmony with its purpose, we are either making a statement about our ignorance of His character or about our determination of His "worthy-ship" as the object of our
worship. Elder Dean L. Larsen writes of a Sabbath-observing farmer who was troubled and dismayed to see his Sabbath-breaking neighbor bring in far better crops
with a much higher, more profitable yield. But in such times of seeming injustice, we must remember that God's accounts are not always settled in October. (See "The
Peaceable Things of the Kingdom" in Hope, 200; see also Jeffrey R. Holland, "The Will of the Father in All Things," BYU Devotional address on 17 January 1989,
81.)

Some powers, philosophies, institutions, and relationships are sacred to the true gospel and are part of God's purposes for the path toward godhood, but when they are
put ahead of the Lord, or if God and religion are used as a means to obtain them as the desired end, they become idolatrous. A prime example of a good and godly
thing that can become vain and idolatrous if worshipped is sexuality. Our passions are God-instilled, but if they cease to become our servant and instead become our
master, they are used in evil and destructive ways.

President Daniel H. Wells, who served for twenty years as second counselor to Brigham Young, once said: "Our passions are good, and planted within us for a good
and wise purpose, to give us strength and energy of character; but they should be governed and controlled by that heaven-inspired intellect and reason with which every
person is endowed; in other words, our passions should be our servants and not our masters." (Daniel H. Wells in Journal of Discourses, 15:88.) Though they are good
by nature, those very passions become a false god to us when we lust and serve them rather than serving the Lord.

President Spencer W. Kimball said: "We fear that never in the history of the world have there ever been so many more people bowing to the god of lust than there
were bowing to golden calves and the images of wood and stone and metal. This idolatry, so closely associated with the destruction of mind and body, could inundate
the world. We note the great increase in divorces . . . Our study reveals the fact that all too often it is because of their immoralities and their idolatrous worship of the
god of lust." (Spencer W. Kimball, "Why Call Me Lord, Lord, and Do Not the Things Which I Say?" Ensign, May 1975.) At another time he said, "There seems to be
a growing feeling that marriage is for legal sex, for sex's sake. Marriage is basically for the family; that is why we marry-not for the satisfaction of the sex, as the world
around us would have us believe." (Spencer W. Kimball, "Marriage is Honorable," in Speeches of the Year, 1973, 262-63.)

President Ezra Taft Benson expressed similar concern for the lack of reverence for intimate relations resulting in the abundant "moral permissiveness that has taken root
in our midst. Today sex is all but deified, and yet is promenaded before our youth in its most explicit, coarsest, and debasing forms." (Ezra Taft Benson, This Nation
Shall Endure, 155.) Marriage and intimacy and family are good and noble and godly things unless we lose sight of the Master we serve. Then they can become
destructive to our relationship with God rather than enhancing our worship of Him. In our popular culture that worships sex, sexuality, image, fashion, and almost all that
is superficial, it is no wonder that so many in society fail to understand true intimacy, for intimacy extends far beyond the sexual, and love encompasses more than the
romantic. When sexual attraction becomes the prime factor for seeking a companion with whom to share our hearts and lives, those who experience same-gender
attraction have little motivation to seek a God-sanctioned marriage with a companion with whom they will spend eternity.
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One more example of an attribute of godliness that can become an idol is knowledge and intelligence. Prophets have always warned against counterfeit philosophies.
One of them is intellectualism. To be intellectual, to seek knowledge and wisdom, is godly by nature, for the Lord Himself declared, "The glory of God is
intelligence" (D&C 93:36). But knowledge and wisdom become evil when they are sought not from God but rather at the expense of Him or despite Him-when they
destructive to our relationship with God rather than enhancing our worship of Him. In our popular culture that worships sex, sexuality, image, fashion, and almost all that
is superficial, it is no wonder that so many in society fail to understand true intimacy, for intimacy extends far beyond the sexual, and love encompasses more than the
romantic. When sexual attraction becomes the prime factor for seeking a companion with whom to share our hearts and lives, those who experience same-gender
attraction have little motivation to seek a God-sanctioned marriage with a companion with whom they will spend eternity.

One more example of an attribute of godliness that can become an idol is knowledge and intelligence. Prophets have always warned against counterfeit philosophies.
One of them is intellectualism. To be intellectual, to seek knowledge and wisdom, is godly by nature, for the Lord Himself declared, "The glory of God is
intelligence" (D&C 93:36). But knowledge and wisdom become evil when they are sought not from God but rather at the expense of Him or despite Him-when they
become an idol for worship. The prophet Jacob declared, "O the vainness, and the frailties, and the foolishness of men! When they are learned they think they are wise,
and they hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not.
And they shall perish. But to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God" (Nephi 9:28-29).

Another principle of godliness that we seek on our path to knowing God's goodness is just that-His goodness. There is a philosophy of moralism that consists of
timeless moral principles. Most of the Judeo-Christian world holds the ancient injunction "Thou shalt not kill" to be a transcendent and absolute principle. To seek
timeless principles of value to live by is a noble venture; to be moral is good; to be good is good, but if that is the only end we are seeking, then even goodness and
morality can become idolatrous. There are good people everywhere. There is a difference between living a Christlike life and being a Christian. Many Muslims,
Buddhists, or atheists, for that matter, live Christlike lives-and they don't even believe in Him as Christians do. The call to Christ is not simply a call to be good and
honorable. It is not a call simply to clothe the poor, feed the hungry, or to heal the sick. It is a call to be sanctified and holy-to be redeemed and regenerated-through
faith on His name and through his atoning blood.

People may not necessarily need religion to be ethical and honorable individuals. Good people are involved in various noble venues. The Rotary Club, the Peace
Corps, Habitat for Humanity, and other groups attract and produce compassionate, honest, and moral individuals. Individuals and families who seek moral codes as
their primary task may feel that if they can find goodness outside religion, then they have no real need for religion. Others with a moralistic philosophy may seek religion
because churches are thought to be the best sources of inspired and righteous moral principles. Still others, who may have been long absent from church, return to it
when they begin having children, because they believe faith communities are the best places to instill values in their children.

When the quest for principles and morals becomes our sole focus-and even our god-problems arise when a commandment is given that doesn't seem to have a
foundational principle or moral we can understand. For example, the commandment to Abraham to take Isaac into Moriah to be sacrificed or the commandment to
Nephi to slay Laban. God sometimes gives commandments that don't make sense at a mortal, moralistic level. Lacking the understanding that "man doth not
comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend" (Mosiah 4:9), individuals may cast aside a commandment in the belief that they can still be "good" without
it. For the sake of goodness, they may be able to; but for the sake of Christ, discipleship, and holiness they cannot.

President Gordon B. Hinckley once said to a group of BYU students: "You are good, but it is not enough just to be good. You must be good for something. You must
contribute good to the world. The world must be a better place for your presence. And the good in you must spread to others." (Gordon B. Hinckley, "Stand Up for
Truth," BYU Speeches 1996-97. Taken from a BYU Devotional Address delivered on September 17, 1996.) That "something" we must be good for is Christ. We
have been called to be the salt of the earth for Him and called to preserve His righteousness. There are those who seek goodness, and goodness they will find, for it is
everywhere, but salvation is in the name of Christ and in that Name alone.

Those who try to find salvation simply in goodness are trying to build a latter-day tower of Babel. They rationalize that if there is a heaven, surely a "good" God
wouldn't cast out His "good" children. An idea similar to that of seeking goodness is that of seeking happiness. The scriptures and the words of modern prophets are
laden with illustrations of "that happiness which is prepared for the saints" (Nephi 9:43). [Z: need to chk all Nephi cites to be sure book no. appears with them] King
Benjamin said, "I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all
things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending
happiness" (Mosiah 2:41). Other Book of Mormon prophets declared that "men are that they might have joy" (Nephi 2:25) and spoke of "the great plan of
happiness" (Alma 42:8) and "liv[ing] after the manner of happiness" (Nephi 5:27).

In the opening of this last dispensation, the Prophet Joseph Smith observed, "Happiness is the object and design of our existence, and will be the end thereof, if we
pursue the path that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness, and keeping all the commandments of God." (Joseph Smith, Teachings of the
Prophet Joseph Smith, 255. It is clear that happiness is God's "object and design" for us. To obtain it, our focus must be on Christ and the virtues He embodies. Often
we hear only "happiness is the object and design of our existence," which may leave us with the misconception that the pursuit of happiness has preeminence above all
else. This misconception is reminiscent of a counterfeit philosophy of the happiness that the Lord speaks of in the scriptures. That counterfeit philosophy is hedonism,
and hedonism is idolatry.

Although the word hedonism has many negative connotations-such as immediate physical gratification-it is primarily "the doctrine that pleasure or happiness is the sole
or chief good in life." (Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, 10th ed., s.v. "Hedonism.") Implicit in the idea that happiness or pleasure is the chief good is the
corollary that we should also avoid suffering. The word should is the key to the hedonist philosophy, because it indicates that people ought to act in ways that maximize
their happiness and minimize their suffering. But to seek solely after happiness is a distortion of what the Lord wants for us. And hedonism has many faces, from the
godless philosophy of "eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die" (Nephi 28:7) to a religious hedonism of sorts that entails diligent obedience to God while viewing
Him as a means to eternal happiness rather than worshiping Him as the Eternal End.

To some, serving God is not an end in itself. It is the quest simply for "happiness" or "treasures in heaven," while viewing God and His gospel as the method for
obtaining it. Although eternal happiness and glory will be byproducts of our worship of the Father, to seek them by following Him as a means to obtain them is
idolatrous. We don't worship joy; we worship God. God is a giver of joy, but we must seek Him rather than simply what He has to offer us.

One biblical scholar stated that he has seen this phenomenon of hedonistic worship within the traditional Christian community: "The most basic truths of our faith have
fallen victim to [a] self-centered theology. Many modern-day evangelists have reduced the gospel message to little more than a formula by which people can live a
happy and more fulfilling life. Sin is now defined by how it affects man, not how it dishonors God. Salvation is often presented as a means of receiving what Christ
offers without obeying what He commands. The focus has shifted from God's glory to man's benefit. The gospel of persevering faith has given way to a kind of religious
hedonism. Jesus, contemporary theology implies, is your ticket to avoiding all of life's pains and experiencing all of life's pleasures." (John MacArthur Jr., Our
Sufficiency in Christ, 154-55; Cited in Judd, 206.)

Failing to understand that God is the Great Eternal End we worship rather than simply a means for some other greater end of eternal happiness creates a problem for
religious commitment when our faith is tried. If we see the gospel merely as a means to make us happy, and we are not happy, we begin to question the effectiveness of
that means. If God is simply the Giver of Good Gifts-the Grand Rewarder and Punisher-then we will not understand why good people suffer and the wicked go free
and unpunished. To hedonistic idolaters, mortal suffering may indicate a person's commitment to a questionable religious ideal, whereas pleasure-filled, pain-free lives
indicate God's favor.

On  my mission
 Copyright      I saw some people
            (c) 2005-2009,         joinMedia
                            Infobase    the Church
                                              Corp.because they sincerely believed the gospel is true. They felt that surely if it was true all their problems would
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solved and they had only perpetual happiness to look forward to. But when marriage relationships continued to falter and payment of tithing didn't bring in the
anticipated anonymous checks, some concluded that the gospel must not be true and left the Church. God was worthy of adoration and worship as long as He brought
them happiness and solved their temporal problems. These individuals worshipped happiness and ease, and when their understanding of what the gospel was about did
that means. If God is simply the Giver of Good Gifts-the Grand Rewarder and Punisher-then we will not understand why good people suffer and the wicked go free
and unpunished. To hedonistic idolaters, mortal suffering may indicate a person's commitment to a questionable religious ideal, whereas pleasure-filled, pain-free lives
indicate God's favor.

On my mission I saw some people join the Church because they sincerely believed the gospel is true. They felt that surely if it was true all their problems would be
solved and they had only perpetual happiness to look forward to. But when marriage relationships continued to falter and payment of tithing didn't bring in the
anticipated anonymous checks, some concluded that the gospel must not be true and left the Church. God was worthy of adoration and worship as long as He brought
them happiness and solved their temporal problems. These individuals worshipped happiness and ease, and when their understanding of what the gospel was about did
not fulfill those expectations, they were off to find something else that would.

The happiness spoken of in scripture, unlike the hedonistic search for happiness, depends not upon circumstance but upon our relationship with God. The Lord
declared, "In this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full" (D&C 101:36; italics added). He is our happiness; He is our joy; and He will be our manna in the
wilderness. The fundamental difference between hedonism and true happiness is that hedonism is centered in the self. The happiness described in scripture comes only
when we worship our Father and center our life on the redemption provided through His Son. Elder James E. Talmage described happiness as "true food, wholesome,
nutritious and sweet; it . . . leaves no bad after-taste, it is followed by no depressing reaction; it calls for no repentance, brings no regret, entails no remorse; pleasure
too often makes necessary repentance, contrition, and suffering; and, if indulged to the extreme, it brings degradation and destruction." (James E. Talmage, "A Greeting
to the Missionaries," Improvement Era, December 1913, 173.)

Even marriage-something sacred and central to the gospel of God-can be viewed hedonistically. Like the religious means-end relationship-with God as the means to a
heavenly end-marriage is viewed as the cultural means to individual fulfillment. That is, people may pursue marriage because they believe it is necessary to a happy
individual life. And just as people may leave the Church when they find that it doesn't meet their hedonistic expectations, so they may divorce when their marriage is no
longer fulfilling their individual needs. Those with a hedonistic view who become unhappy in marriage then seek a relationship that will make them happy. For the
hedonistic person, individual happiness trumps marital commitment.

Conversely, it is possible, in an idolatrous way, to place family before God. As wonderful as our families are, we may be saved with them but never by them. Christ is
our Savior and Redeemer, and "no man cometh unto the Father but by [Him]." Jesus himself proclaimed, "He that loveth father or mother more than me [replace boxes
with real text] ??? not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me [replace boxes with real text] ??? not worthy of me. And he that taketh not his
cross, and followeth after me [replace boxes with real text] ???? not worthy of me. He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it .
. . [replace boxes with real text] ???????? no man that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my sake, and the
gospel's, but he shall receive an hundredfold now in this time, houses, and brethren, and sisters, and mothers, and children, and lands, with persecutions; and in the
world to come eternal life" (Matthew 10:37-39; Mark 10:29-30).

The Lord has said in our day: "Behold, there are many called, but few are chosen. And why are they not chosen? Because their hearts are set so much upon the things
of this world, and aspire to the honors of men" (D&C 121:34-35). Anciently Joshua declared: "Choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your
fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose lands ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the
Lord" (Joshua 24:15). Finally, President Ezra Taft Benson taught: "We must put God in the forefront of everything else in our lives. He must come first, just as He
declares in the first of His Ten Commandments . . . When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will
govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. We should put God ahead of everyone else in our
lives." (Ezra Taft Benson, "The Great Commandment-Love the Lord," Ensign, May 1988; italics in original.)

Idolatry and Homosexuality

For much of my life, even though I recognized my attraction to other men, I couldn't accept that attraction as real because I was different from what I had always been
understood homosexuals were like. I had bought into the misconception or the impression created by those who don't understand same-gender attraction that
homosexuals are bad people who care nothing for religion, perverts who only desire to satisfy the lusts of the flesh. The evils of bathhouses, nightclub dark rooms,
promiscuity, pedophilia, and pornography are used to paint a picture of the evils of homosexuality. Yet that abhorrent view is inaccurate representation. To be sure,
those things are evils, but those same evils are available to heterosexuals as well. The choice to indulge in such things has as much to do with general morality as it does
sexuality. Not everyone fits the homosexual stereotype-although, of course, there most certainly are individuals who do represent it.

Another side to the homosexual "lifestyle" is given much less attention because it is far less sensational and scandalous. Those whose romantic and sexual attraction is
naturally toward the same gender may recognize, and rightly, that it is human nature, not heterosexual nature, to desire romantic companionship and a family. Those
without a correct understanding of God and His requirements for true, eternal happiness cannot understand why voices of society around them are shouting that their
love is immoral. They cannot understand how it is immoral to want to connect with someone and spend their life with that person. There are couples who genuinely love
each other and who want to live in a committed relationship away from the spotlights, clubs, and gay pride parades. Even love expressed in ways contrary to the
Father's eternal purposes for His children still retains traces of love's grandeur. And although long-term homosexual relationships are much less common than long-term
heterosexual relationships, they do exist. There are many who seek, as best they can, to live lives that are pleasing to God and of service to others.

I know individuals living openly homosexual lives who are good and honorable people. Some of them are nobler and have a greater desire to do good than do others
who profess Christianity. I have even met homosexuals who belong to other Christian denominations who want to serve and teach about the God they love and from
Whom they have felt love, having never been able to understand why something that feels so natural to them individually is continually condemned as evil.

My point in sharing these things is that there are those who consider homosexuality as a plague upon our nation, and I believe that thought is somewhat misguided.
Many professed gays and lesbians honestly strive to be moral and charitable individuals. The real plague of our nation and of the world in general is the pride that leads
to idolatry, (See Ezra Taft Benson, "Beware of Pride," Ensign, May 1989.) of which homosexual behavior is one manifestation. The principle behind this statement
concerning homosexual behavior is more completely understood within the framework of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ than it is in other religious traditions. Our
understanding of the nature of the eternal family is unparalleled.

Although there are good and noble and respectable people everywhere-religious and nonreligious, heterosexual and homosexual-that is not what true Christianity is
about. Christianity is not just about being "good," it is not just about being "moral," and it is not about being "happy"-referring to those qualities in the way society or
popular theology and psychology would have us understand them. Christianity in its purest and restored sense is about being consecrated and sanctified; it is about
being pure and holy; it is about "relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save" (Nephi 31:19); it is about becoming as God is and learning to live as He
lives.

Concerning the restored truth the Lord has blessed us with as members of His Church, He said, "For of him unto whom much is given much is required; and he who
sins against the greater light shall receive the greater condemnation" (D&C 82:3; See also Luke 12:48). As Latter-day Saints and stewards of the fulness of the gospel
of Christ on the earth and as those who bear His Name, we all-including those who experience same-gender attraction-should be more concerned with purifying our
own lives and worshipping our God, especially when we have the eyes of the restored gospel through which we view life and the trials and challenges that accompany
it.Copyright (c) 2005-2009, Infobase Media Corp.                                                                                                     Page 52 / 71
Loving another person and seeking romantic companionship is not a bad thing-it is a natural and divinely implanted instinct. What makes homosexual behavior wrong is
not an evil inherent in being attracted to one of the same gender; what makes homosexual behaviors wrong is the simple fact that they are contrary to the purposes of
Concerning the restored truth the Lord has blessed us with as members of His Church, He said, "For of him unto whom much is given much is required; and he who
sins against the greater light shall receive the greater condemnation" (D&C 82:3; See also Luke 12:48). As Latter-day Saints and stewards of the fulness of the gospel
of Christ on the earth and as those who bear His Name, we all-including those who experience same-gender attraction-should be more concerned with purifying our
own lives and worshipping our God, especially when we have the eyes of the restored gospel through which we view life and the trials and challenges that accompany
it.

Loving another person and seeking romantic companionship is not a bad thing-it is a natural and divinely implanted instinct. What makes homosexual behavior wrong is
not an evil inherent in being attracted to one of the same gender; what makes homosexual behaviors wrong is the simple fact that they are contrary to the purposes of
God for His children, and when people serve the creature more than the Creator, they are sinning and thus guilty of idolatry.

That goes for any kind of sin. Heterosexual behavior, which is considered more "natural," is evil when individuals "burn in their lust one toward another." [cite] The
principal sin is in the root of homosexual behavior-the idolatry. The attraction is a challenge and a temptation-a cross to bear-but it is not in itself a sin. Although the
challenges of those who experience same-gender attraction may be legitimate and unsolicited, we all have been commanded "to act for [ourselves] and not to be acted
upon," even by our very real and sometimes painful mortal trials (Nephi 2:26).

If anyone ought to be less susceptible to the philosophies of men, with their limited light and understanding, it is the Saints of God. We have been given greater light and
knowledge on which to base our choices. What media and gay political activists have to say about homosexuality should not be the philosophies upon which we base
our attitudes and choices and lives. We understand that there is more to life-eternal life-than what we can comprehend in this mortal, fallen, second estate.

It is a given that appropriate heterosexual relationships are part of our ultimate exaltation in the eternities. Marriage and family are essential to the plan of God if we are
to have a fulness of joy in the hereafter when we are fully redeemed from this fallen state. But there are arguments both for and even against homosexuality that are
nothing more than the philosophies of men, and we must be careful to distinguish them from truth. Nephi declared, "O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in
thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man
or maketh flesh his arm." (Nephi 4:34)

Some who are opposed to homosexuality or who misunderstand the nature of same-gender attraction would argue that one cannot experience an attraction that is so
"unnatural" and still be in God's full favor. Others may claim that one should focus on "changing" and doing all within his or her power to "overcome" same-gender
attraction. Although our faith in God may require us to reconcile things in our life that may influence the attraction, putting an unbalanced and unhealthy emphasis and
focus on "change" as a prerequisite to happiness or divine love and favor can be counterproductive, discouraging, and emotionally exhausting.

Just as we do not worship heterosexuality, so our salvation is not based upon the mortal realization of it. The ideal of a marriage and family may not be realized in
mortality by some-or even many-of God's children for a variety of reasons, one of them being same-gender attraction. The timing of when those things will be realized is
individual and must be worked through personally with the Lord. To use same-gender attraction as a catch-all rationalization for failing to prepare ourselves and to
strive for that eternal goal would be idolatrous.

Philosophies of pro-gay activists would draw some of the Saints of God into a life of homosexual activity-whether that activity is promiscuous or in a committed,
monogamous relationship-by claiming that one must follow one's attractions in order to be true to one's "real self." A monogamous relationship is obviously better than
promiscuous ones, but both are forbidden by the Lord. Others who promote homosexual activity say that it is unhealthy or deceptive to strive for marriage or that one
cannot be true to himself and still have a healthy, successful, and fulfilling life in marriage and in being obedient to the commandments of God. True fulfillment and eternal
happiness are not found in our sexual orientation. Yes, "men are that they might have joy," but "in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full" (D&C 101:36;
italics added.) Sexual expression, intelligence, goodness, joy, and happiness may be ours in harmony with our Father's plan and as the result of our relationship with
Him and our worship of our Him. They should not be sought at the expense of Him. Those who do seek those things apart from God will be "forever learning, and
never able to come to a knowledge of the truth." They will have "itching ears" and will be "tossed about by every wind of doctrine." Finally, those who live contrary to
faithful worship of the Father may find some "joy in their works [but] for a season" (Nephi 27:11). Quoting Isaiah, Nephi said that those who "distress" Zion "shall be as
a dream of a night vision; yea, it shall be unto them, even as unto a hungry man which dreameth, and behold he eateth but he awaketh and his soul is empty; or like unto
a thirsty man which dreameth, and behold he drinketh buth he awaketh and behold he is faint, and his soul hath appetite" (? Nephi 27:3).

Without the Spirit, we in our finite minds cannot really comprehend what will bring us eternal happiness and fulfillment. Only God knows what will do that. Contrary to
popular theology, sometimes war is the only means to peace, and sometimes pain, tragedy, challenge, or sacrifice are the only means to true joy, fulfillment, and eternal
happiness. As Jacob said, "Our lives passed away like as it were unto us a dream." [cite] Trying to find happiness in mortality outside the ways the Lord has prescribed
may result in a measure of temporary happiness and people may find "joy in their works for a season," but once this life passes and they are awakened to Reality, they
will find their souls faint and with "appetite." They will find that after seeking of happiness in the ways the world or in the ways our fallen natures have prescribed, they
will have lost the very thing they spent their lives seeking. Ultimately their works must come to an end, and "every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the
glory of God the Father" (Philippians 2:11).

1. (Some of the ideas, phrases, and sources quoted in the latter part of this section, "Worship and Idolatry," and the following sections in this chapter derive from
articles entitled "Hedonism, Asceticism, and the Great Plan of Happiness" by Daniel K. Judd as published in The Fulness of the Gospel: Foundational Teachings in the
Book of Mormon, 194-209; and "Values of Christian Families: Do They Come from Unrecognized Idols?" by Brent D. Slife as published in BYU Studies 38, no. 2
(1999), 117-47.)

According to His Own Will and Pleasure

Faith is hoping for things which are not seen, which are true" (see Alma 32:21; John 20:29; Hebrews 11:1). For years that was my typical response to an inquiry about
the meaning of faith. It seemed fairly standard and accurate, and it is in the scriptures. In the last few years, though, as I've come to terms with my experience with
same-gender attraction, I've had to rediscover the meaning of faith. I've had to search it out and seek to understand it on an entirely new level. Shortly after I started
coming to grips with my feelings, I came across a particular verse of scripture in the Book of Mormon. As I read the words, "never did any passage of scripture come
with more power to the heart of man than this did at this time to mine. It seemed to enter with great force into every feeling of my heart. I reflected on it again and
again" (Joseph Smith-History 1:12). It has since become a theme scripture, whose words I look to again and again for comfort and perspective: "But if ye will turn to
the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure,
deliver you out of bondage" (Mosiah 7:33).

"Thy Timing Be Done

For the longest time, I thought the bondage referred to in Mosiah 7:33 were my feelings of same-gender attraction. I now believe that is only partly true. I believe a
large part of the bondage I have experienced is my lack of vision of the purposes of God, which has caused my faith to waver. I believe that if I will turn to Him with full
purpose of heart and serve Him with all diligence of mind, He will deliver me. First, He will deliver me from the darkness of mind and heart and wavering of faith I've
experienced by revealing to me His mysteries and helping me to don "the armor of [His] light" as I give greater heed and diligence to His word (Romans 13:12; see also
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                                                    same-gender attraction I experience, "according to his own will and pleasure" (Mosiah 7:33). I don't know    53that
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                                                                                                                                                                        will
happen; I don't even know whether it will happen in mortality. But I do believe that having faith in Christ requires me to believe it will happen. "My words are sure and
shall not fail," the Lord taught, "but all things must come to pass in their time" (D&C 64:31-32).
For the longest time, I thought the bondage referred to in Mosiah 7:33 were my feelings of same-gender attraction. I now believe that is only partly true. I believe a
large part of the bondage I have experienced is my lack of vision of the purposes of God, which has caused my faith to waver. I believe that if I will turn to Him with full
purpose of heart and serve Him with all diligence of mind, He will deliver me. First, He will deliver me from the darkness of mind and heart and wavering of faith I've
experienced by revealing to me His mysteries and helping me to don "the armor of [His] light" as I give greater heed and diligence to His word (Romans 13:12; see also
Alma 12:9). Then, He will deliver me from the same-gender attraction I experience, "according to his own will and pleasure" (Mosiah 7:33). I don't know when that will
happen; I don't even know whether it will happen in mortality. But I do believe that having faith in Christ requires me to believe it will happen. "My words are sure and
shall not fail," the Lord taught, "but all things must come to pass in their time" (D&C 64:31-32).

"The issue for us," Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught, "is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His
plans unfold as He thinks best? The same is true with the second coming and with all those matters wherein our faith needs to include faith in the Lord's timing for us
personally, not just in His overall plans and purposes." (Neal A. Maxwell, Even As I Am, p. 93.) On another occasion, he said, "Since faith in the timing of the Lord
may be tried, let us learn to say not only, 'Thy will be done,' but patiently also, 'Thy timing be done.'" (Neal A. Maxwell, "Plow in Hope," Ensign, May 2001, 59.)

Professor Robert L. Millet shared an experience concerning faith and timing and the Lord's enabling power: "I had occasion to work with a young man who was
struggling with same-sex attraction. He had violated his temple covenants but sincerely wanted to change. Church disciplinary measures were taken, and he began to
work toward change. He spoke often of how difficult it was for him to be active in the Church, to attend all the activities, and in general to be a typical Latter-day Saint
when he felt so very atypical. He committed to avoid inappropriate sexual activity but wrestled with his same-sex attraction. One day he asked me: 'If I do the things
you have asked me to do-go to Church, read the scriptures, fast and pray, plead for divine help, receive priesthood blessings when necessary, and be chaste-can you
assure me that the Lord will take away these desires, these attractions? Can you promise me they will go away?' It was a tough question.

"As I recall, I said something like this: 'I know that the Lord can indeed change you, change your heart. I know that He can do that instantaneously if He chooses to do
so. I know that the power of change is in Jesus Christ, and that dramatic and rapid change can take place. I do not know, however, whether the Lord will change you
right away. I know this: If you do what you have been asked to do, and if you do it regularly and consistently, from now on, God will change you, either here or
hereafter. You may be required to deal with these feelings until the day you die. But I can promise you two things-first, these feelings will eventually be transformed; and
second, if God does not choose to bring about a major change in your nature in this life, he will strengthen and empower you to deal with the temptations you will face.
You don't need to face this on your own.'" (Robert L. Millet, "The Doctrine of Merit," The Fullness of the Gospel: Foundational Teachings from the Book of Mormon,
121-22; italics added.)

The Foundation of Faith

Because of my experience with same-gender attraction, everything I understood faith to be has been called into question. This trial has caused me to think about just
how deep my spiritual roots were-and, as it has been with many other things, I was found wanting. I have come to understand that for true faith to exist, the "untruths"
we believe concerning the gospel must cease to exist.

My first reaction when confronting my feelings of same-gender attraction was discouragement and loss of faith, for the truth of my experience defied what I had
understood of the truths of the gospel taught in the Church. As I grew in the Spirit, my attractions were becoming more intense, and that was completely inconsistent
with my understanding of truth-what "should" have been happening. And because all authentic truth is faith promoting, the problem was not in the gospel or the
teachings of the Church but rather in my understanding of them. Authentic truth promotes authentic faith, and if authentic truth shakes our faith, then our faith was ill-
founded and we must ask ourselves deeper questions. Truth, even difficult truth, will only deepen and give breadth of vision to authentic and saving faith.

From the time we are in Primary, we sing the words "the wise man built his house upon the rock." Whether our house is built upon the rock or built upon the sand
doesn't matter until "the rains [come] down and the floods [come] up." ( "The Wise Man and the Foolish Man," Children's Songbook, 281.) It is when the rains and the
floods come that the nature and root of our spiritual foundation is tried. It is often said that trials perfect us, but it is Christ and His Atonement that perfect us. Our trials
simply reveal our true natures, so we can then turn to Christ for His perfection and for His regenerating grace and power. Mormon reflected, "Except the Lord doth
chasten his people with many afflictions, yea, except he doth visit them with death and with terror, and with famine and with all manner of pestilence, they will not
remember him" (Helaman 12:3).

Only oversimplified or ill-founded faith will break easily or be shaken when confronted with difficult truths-and the experience of same-gender attraction is one of them.
Although confronting the truth of my experience with same-gender attraction at first shook my faith and my testimony, my quest for spiritual understanding has not
ended in my giving up my faith. Rather, it has been a means of developing and strengthening my faith. The process has been painful at times, and I've received a few
scars along the way, but the process has given my faith more solidity and more breadth.

Faith is the principle by which the worlds were organized. It is the very essence of religion. It is faith that saves. Or, rather, it is not faith that saves but faith in Jesus
Christ. Faith is the trust in the Lord that motivates us to do His will. The object of our faith and prayer is not to align the will of God to ours but to align our will to His.
Faith is not the power of positive thinking, nor is it the same as simple belief. It is not the power to force change upon our circumstances or upon the agency of others.

On my mission I had a companion who would get extremely discouraged when others rejected the message we shared. We were serving together in a predominantly
Catholic area when he said to me one night in a voice of frustration, "I used to think that if I could have the faith to move a mountain, then surely I could convert a
Catholic."

Mormon notes, "O how great is the nothingness of the children of men; yea, even they are less than the dust of the earth. For behold, the dust of the earth moveth hither
and thither, to the dividing asunder, at the command of our great and everlasting God" (Helaman 12:7-8). Our faith can never be strong enough to force others to use
their agency the way we want them to, for the Father has perfect faith, and yet a third of His children rejected Him completely. Likewise, His Only Begotten in the flesh
has perfect faith, and while He was in mortality, His message was rejected by most who heard it. Our faith can only be strong enough to affect the way we exercise our
own agency. Paul was a man of faith, and yet consider the thorn he pleaded with the Lord to remove. Despite his aching petitions, it was not taken away. The Lord
often has purpose in allowing us to experience pain, and the perfect manifestation of our faith is be to seek to understand that purpose and then accept it.

Faith calls for our utmost diligence and greatest confidence-not confidence in ourselves, but rather confidence in Christ. Faith in the institutions of the world or in
ourselves cannot save us. Faith unto salvation requires service to Him and to Him only. "No man can serve two masters" (Matthew 6:24). If I am serving my
attractions-myself-then I am not serving God. If I am the master of my ship, then Christ cannot be my Master.

A scriptural story that expresses the importance of a proper foundation of faith is Lehi's vision of the tree of life. Many people never made it to the path, and others
made it to the path but did not grasp the rod and eventually wandered off. Of real interest is the difference between the two groups of people who grasped the rod and
who actually partook of the fruit of the tree of life-one fell away after partaking of the fruit, and the other did not.

Once as I was reading the account quite closely, certain words caught my attention that I had never before noticed. Describing those who fell away, the record tells us
they caught hold of the iron rod and "did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron, even until they did come forth and partake of the fruit of
the tree," only
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                                               the tree in shame, because those in the great and spacious building scoffed at them (? Nephi 8:24). In subtle
                                                                                                                                                          Page contrast,
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those who partook of the fruit and stayed true caught hold of the rod of iron and "did press their way forward, continually holding fast to the rod of iron, until they came
forth and fell down and partook of the fruit of the tree" (? Nephi 8:30).
who actually partook of the fruit of the tree of life-one fell away after partaking of the fruit, and the other did not.

Once as I was reading the account quite closely, certain words caught my attention that I had never before noticed. Describing those who fell away, the record tells us
they caught hold of the iron rod and "did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron, even until they did come forth and partake of the fruit of
the tree," only to afterwards walk away from the tree in shame, because those in the great and spacious building scoffed at them (? Nephi 8:24). In subtle contrast,
those who partook of the fruit and stayed true caught hold of the rod of iron and "did press their way forward, continually holding fast to the rod of iron, until they came
forth and fell down and partook of the fruit of the tree" (? Nephi 8:30).

My experience with same-gender attraction and associating with others who share this challenge have made the difference between these two groups of people more
clear for me. The word clinging seems to carry with it a connotation of fear or desperation. It almost seems as if these individuals were "clinging" because they were
afraid of something, scared to admit or talk about the source of their fear. So it is with many who experience the challenge of same-gender attraction. Because of the
negative rhetoric echoed in society, some who have this challenge remain fearfully quiet, dreading the possibility of rejection or love withdrawn.

They may fear other implications as well. In light of the continual emphasis on family in the Church, some are deathly afraid of what this attraction means for their faith
and for a future marriage and family that they have been taught their entire life to treasure. Some individuals quietly and at times tragically marry in the desperate hope
that the attraction will eventually extinguish itself if they do the right thing. Some experience self-hatred and self-loathing. To be fair, is it perhaps only natural for them to
fear or hate themselves or their attraction when they perceive that so much of their surrounding world fears or hates them?

Many pray and plead and fast and covenant with God that they will do anything if He will only take away these "evil" feelings from them. And when He doesn't, so
many-too many-wander from the tree of life. Either out of discouragement or misunderstanding or because their hearts are more set upon the things of the world, they
leave the tree, often in spite of their testimonies of the gospel and the love they have felt from God. Then they head toward the "great and spacious building." [cite]

The second group, on the other hand, "continually [held] fast" to the rod. They saw something more in their experience than the other group. They did not fear. They
knew what they believed, they knew what they wanted, and they went forward in faith-faith in the Lord's timing for them and in His infinite redeeming and enabling
Atonement. They maintained an eternal perspective, sensing there was more to life than the world around them would have them believe. They didn't ask the Lord why
they had to experience the trials they had but rather asked what He would have them learn from them if it was His will that they bear their particular crosses.

They did not glory in their challenge but gloried in the Lord, and they understood the necessity of refining adversity. They understood that He allowed them to
experience challenges through which He could teach them and tutor them-mold them-so they might become what He wants them to become. It wasn't easy. The mists
of darkness still swirled around them, and people still mocked, but they "heeded them not." [cite] These are the men and women whose lives, even today, are lived not
in quiet desperation but in quiet inspiration. Their faith and continual focus are maintained steadfastly on God and His purposes and His love.

Faith Change and "the Mark"

A million voices cry out for our attention, but we must learn to recognize the voice of the Shepherd. I've felt for a long time that the people who experience same-
gender attraction and who remain active in the Church with peace and hope and faith intact are those who not only believe in the truth of the gospel and in the divine
mission of the Church but also love truth and are honest seekers of it. They who remain faithful not only believe in God but love God and seek diligently to develop a
personal communication with Him to acknowledge the hand and face of God in their individual lives. They are able to keep their focus on the Master.

There are a lot of good things we could focus on, but if we are not focusing on "the mark"-who is Christ-our faith can easily be shaken. [cite] People who experience
same-gender attraction may often feel overwhelming pressure to "change" the nature of their attractions, or their sexuality-and they'll do anything to make it happen.
There is a strong tendency to feel, no matter what our challenges may be, that if we pray more, fast more, read scripture more, or attend church and the temple more,
then we can and will "change." Many, however, despite how often or how deeply and sincerely they have prayed, fasted, read scripture, or attended the temple, have
continued to experience same-gender attraction.

President Benson made a statement that caused me to think a lot about this idea. He said, "When you choose to follow Christ, you choose to be changed." That is a
powerful statement, and I have come to believe that the key words are "be changed." It implies an outside force or power-I believe it implies the grace of Christ. I also
believe that the foremost "change" he is referring to is a change in our hearts rather than in our sexuality-our affections rather than our attractions. President Benson
continued: "The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of
people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their
environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature." (Ezra Taft Benson, "Born of God," Ensign, November 1985, 5; italics
added [check].)

In my own fight to "change," I thought often of these words. When I first read them, I was sure President Benson meant that if I were truly to choose to follow Christ
and be a true Christian, I would first have to choose to change the nature of my attractions. But after years of trying to "change," which included counseling and support
groups and personal efforts to alter circumstances in my life which I was led to believe might have influenced the attraction, the intensity of my attraction remained the
same.

It is true that in the eternal scheme the nature of those attractions must be changed, but as I further contemplated the words of President Benson, the eyes of my
understanding were opened further, and I saw that first and foremost, President Benson was referring to the nature of our hearts. Salvation is based upon our hearts as
they have been turned to Christ. There are some things we simply cannot force change upon through our own efforts, no matter how hard we try or how diligently we
strive.

The fact remains that there are certain things we will never be able to change and that we will have to leave completely in the hands of the Savior and His infinite
Atonement. If someone loses a leg in this mortal, fallen world, no amount of fasting or prayer or scripture study or temple attendance is going to bring that leg back
unless the Lord wills it to be so. [Good analogy] With some things-most importantly, the things pertaining to our salvation-we can only do in faith what He has asked so
that the Spirit and the power of His atoning sacrifice can work in us. We can choose to follow Christ so that we can then "be changed" by Him "according to His own
will and pleasure." [cite]

The actions of prayer, fasting, scripture reading, and temple and church attendance don't change us. But each of these things does play an essential role in change,
because if we are doing them sincerely and properly they will be some of the means by which our hearts can be turned to Him as our great Eternal End. Christ is the
Eternal End, if we put too much focus on the means, we may lose sight of Him. Christ is the Qualifier for change and salvation. If we instead view the actions of
missionary work, prayer, fasting, scripture reading, or temple and Church attendance as the qualifier for change, or salvation-and they become our "mark," or our
focus-then we are "looking beyond the mark" of Christ and will be "blinded" (Jacob 4:14). [Ty: I really like this argument you've presented]

Those actions of faith do have an important purpose in giving us strength, providing necessary ordinances, helping us to invite the Spirit, and helping to turn our hearts to
Christ, but it is He who ultimately changes and delivers us. He has promised that he will deliver us both spiritually and physically, but he didn't say when. He has not
promised
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challenge while I am in this second estate, but my faith is now such that even if He doesn't, I will rejoice in His name and stand as His witness. For the time being, I pray
and am striving to live so that the part of my nature that is important for salvation now may be more fully changed-that I may be more fully delivered from spiritual
bondage.
focus-then we are "looking beyond the mark" of Christ and will be "blinded" (Jacob 4:14). [Ty: I really like this argument you've presented]

Those actions of faith do have an important purpose in giving us strength, providing necessary ordinances, helping us to invite the Spirit, and helping to turn our hearts to
Christ, but it is He who ultimately changes and delivers us. He has promised that he will deliver us both spiritually and physically, but he didn't say when. He has not
promised that it will happen by Monday, and He has never promised it will happen fully even in mortality. I hope he does deliver me from the physical bondage of this
challenge while I am in this second estate, but my faith is now such that even if He doesn't, I will rejoice in His name and stand as His witness. For the time being, I pray
and am striving to live so that the part of my nature that is important for salvation now may be more fully changed-that I may be more fully delivered from spiritual
bondage.

Those who feel that counseling or therapy can help them to overcome or diminish feelings of same-gender attraction here in mortality may be required by their faith in
the Messiah to take those measures, for "faith without works is dead" (James 2:26). A powerful story of the effects of faith combined with works has been told by
President Thomas S. Monson: "Heartwarming is the example of the mother in America who prayed for her son's well-being as the vessel on which he served sailed into
the bloody cauldron known as the Pacific Theatre of War. Each morning she would arise from her knees and serve as a volunteer on those production lines, which
became lifelines to men in battle. Could it be that a mother's own handiwork might somehow directly affect the life of a loved one? All who knew her and her family
cherished the actual account of her seaman son, Elgin Staples, whose ship went down off Guadalcanal. Staples was swept over the side; but he survived, thanks to a
life belt that proved, on later examination, to have been inspected, packed, and stamped back home in Akron, Ohio, by his own mother!" (Thomas S. Monson, "The
Prayer of Faith," Ensign, May 1978.)

Brigham Young taught that when the Lord has blessed us with light and knowledge, it is our responsibility in our faith to do all we can to apply it and then ask the Lord
to consecrate that application to our good. He said, "You may go to some people here, and ask what ails them, and they answer, 'I don't know, but we feel a dreadful
distress in the stomach and in the back; we feel all out of order, and we wish you to lay hands upon us.' 'Have you used any remedies?' 'No. We wish the Elders to lay
hands upon us, and we have faith that we shall be healed.' That is very inconsistent according to my faith. If we are sick, and ask the Lord to heal us, and to do all for
us that is necessary to be done, according to my understanding of the gospel of salvation, I might as well ask the Lord to cause my wheat and corn to grow, without my
plowing the ground and casting in the seed. It appears consistent to me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge, and to ask my Father in
heaven, in the name of Jesus Christ, to sanctify that application to the healing of my body." (Brigham Young in Journal of Discourses, 4:24-25.)

We have a responsibility on our part to do all we can to understand our trials and their potential causes and work to alter anything that may have influenced the
attraction, but it is also important to remember that those things in and of themselves cannot alter our natures in any saving way: only Christ can do that.

Works without faith is dead as well. Our eternal salvation isn't based upon mortal heterosexual attraction. President Howard W. Hunter taught, "If our lives are
centered in Christ, nothing can go permanently wrong. I am aware that life presents many challenges, but with the help of the Lord, we need not fear. [Again,] if our
lives and our faith are centered on Jesus Christ and his restored gospel, nothing can ever go permanently wrong. On the other hand, if our lives are not centered on the
Savior and his teachings, no other success can ever be permanently right." (Howard W. Hunter, The Teachings of Howard W. Hunter, 40; italics added.)

"No other success" could include the potential success of changing our sexual attractions through counseling or therapy-and yet that success will not exalt us if our lives
are not centered on Christ or His restored gospel. A faithless person with homosexual attraction could end up just as faithless an individual with heterosexual attraction.
As I have slowly been learning to center my life in Him, I have been discovering that I become like that which I have put my faith in. If I focus on heterosexuality and
center my faith in it, I may or may not gain greater heterosexual attraction in mortality, but if I center my faith in the Messiah, I will be redeemed and regenerated: I will
become a "new creature" in Christ (Corinthians 5:17; see also Mosiah 27:15-27)-and the nature of my sexual attraction will be changed "according to his own will and
pleasure." [cite]

The focus we need to have on Christ was demonstrated by Peter's walking on the water toward the Savior. Only when his gaze was fixed firmly upon the Son of God
did he have the faith necessary to walk upon the water. And it was only when he took his eyes off the Savior and "saw the wind boisterous" that he began to sink.
[need cite] I have at times felt the boisterous winds of frustration when I've read of the sociological and political debates concerning the possibilities and impossibilities
and the shoulds and shouldn'ts of changing a person's orientation. I've often felt frustration (and heard from others that they experience similar feelings) as a result of
comments made by many both inside and outside the Church about those who deal with same-gender attraction. But I've also learned that I must never let the societal
storms of individuals who are biased or ignorant or naï¿½ve pull my focus from the One who saves and thus allow myself to sink or fall away from the truth. Those who
will survive are those who are willing to forgive and be patient with others-both inside the Church and outside it-because they too are growing and learning.

Each of us, whether we experience same-gender attraction or some other challenge, is a divine work in progress, and the Lord is working with us individually. In the
meantime we are going to inflict our weakness and our misunderstandings and our ignorance upon one another. We are each growing spiritually on different levels, and
God is passionately interested in the salvation and growth of each of His children.

Commitment to the Lord's Church and His Prophets

In addition to the actions of prayer, fasting, scripture reading, the institutional Church of Jesus Christ and the prophets whom He has called to lead and guide it are
another essential means that God has provided His children to help lead us to Him. But if the Church and His prophets are not viewed within that framework, they
could become barriers to our developing authentic faith in Jesus Christ rather than serving the purpose for which they were organized or called-to witness for His Name
and to enhance our faith in Him. The Church was organized for the purpose of spreading and promoting the restored gospel of Christ and its standards. The Church
itself is a vehicle-a means.

To be active in the Church of Jesus Christ does not mean necessarily mean actively applying the gospel of Christ or the atoning blood He shed for us (see Mosiah 4:2).
Gospel activity includes Church activity, but the converse of that may not necessarily be true. Elder M. Russell Ballard has stated that the Church has been placed on
earth as "scaffolding that helps support and strengthen the family." (M. Russell Ballard, "Feasting at the Lord's Table," Ensign, May 1996.) Understanding Elder
Ballard's use of the word scaffolding, meaning a temporary structure, is vital in helping us to understand that the Church is the Lord's authorized, earthly means of
assisting us in creating eternal families and in turning our hearts and lives to Him.

Concerning the possible detrimental effects of focusing too much on the institutional Church, Elder Bruce R. McConkie taught the regional representatives of the
Church in 1982: "Our tendency-it is an almost universal practice among most church leaders-is to get so involved with the operation of the institutional church that we
never gain faith like the ancients, simply because we do not involve ourselves in the basic gospel matters that were the center of their lives.

"We are so wound up in programs and statistics and trends, in properties, lands, and mammon, and in achieving goals that will highlight the excellence of our work, that
we 'have omitted the weightier matters of the law.' And as Jesus would have said: 'These [weightier things] ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other
undone' (Matthew 23:23).

"Let us be reminded of the great basic verities upon which all church programs and all church organization rest.

"We  are not(c)
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unto salvation' (Romans 1:16)." (Bruce R. McConkie, "Holy Writ: Published Anew," address delivered at a seminar for Regional Representatives, 2 April 1982, in
Doctrines of the Restoration, ed. Mark L. McConkie, 236-38.)
undone' (Matthew 23:23).

"Let us be reminded of the great basic verities upon which all church programs and all church organization rest.

"We are not saved by church programs as such, by church organizations alone, or even by the Church itself. It is the gospel that saves. The gospel is 'the power of God
unto salvation' (Romans 1:16)." (Bruce R. McConkie, "Holy Writ: Published Anew," address delivered at a seminar for Regional Representatives, 2 April 1982, in
Doctrines of the Restoration, ed. Mark L. McConkie, 236-38.)

The "mark" of our salvation is Jesus of Nazareth. [cite] He is the Messiah. The Church is built upon the Rock but is not the Rock itself (see Matthew 7:24-25; 16:15-
18). We do not-or rather, should not-worship the institution or focus upon it as if it were the End. The saving power the Church has is in its divinely authorized
ordinances, but they are empty and meaningless if our gaze is not fixed firmly upon the Son of God.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is God's Church on the earth, and it is the only vehicle He has authorized to promulgate His gospel. Though they could
be considered two distinct entities, trying to separate the Church and the gospel is analogous to trying to separate the doctrines of grace and works. Anyone who truly
understands the gospel of Christ knows that salvation is fully and completely through the grace of Christ alone. But that does not eliminate the requirement for us to
covenant with Him that we will give our lives completely to Him and live as He has commanded through His prophets and His Spirit. It was never intended that grace
and works be separated, for there is an intricate covenant relationship between our God and His children. The effort to do so is spiritually dangerous and inevitably
fruitless. And so it is also with the Lord's Church and His saving gospel message.

"The Church of Jesus Christ is the custodian of the gospel of Jesus Christ and thus the only place where the ordinances of salvation may be found. When the Kingdom
of God is established on earth; when the Church has been restored; when the necessary priesthoods and keys and authorities have been bestowed-when these
conditions are obtained, mankind will come unto Christ (and thus unto salvation) through the statutes and ordinances of the Church or they will not enjoy the blessings
of heaven. Though the Church is but the means to an end (Christ is the end), a person deceives himself who supposes that he can enjoy the benefits and privileges of
the gospel in his life without being active and involved in the living Church." (Joseph Fielding McConkie and Robert L. Millet, Doctrinal Commentary on the Book of
Mormon, 3:3.)

President Gordon B. Hinckley declared: "This Church, I submit, is far more than a social organization where we gather together to enjoy one another's company. It is
more than Sunday School and Relief Society and priesthood meeting. It is more than sacrament meeting, more even than temple service. It is the Kingdom of God in
the earth. It behooves us to act in a manner befitting membership in that kingdom." (Gordon B. Hinckley, "An Ensign to the Nations, a Light to the World," Ensign,
Nov. 2003, 82.) One of the duties of the kingdom of God on the earth, an organization that is "far more than a social organization," is to safeguard the institution or
organization of marriage, an organization that is also "far more than a social organization." Eternal marriage is a prerequisite to Eternal Life, the kind of life God lives.
Marriage is more than tax credits and medical benefits; it is even more than a symbol of commitment between two people who genuinely love one another. It is quite
likely that there are some homosexual relationships that are more committed and loving than some heterosexual relationships, but that doesn't change the fact that
marriage, when organized by the priesthood, is an eternal organization of godhood and is strictly reserved for the joining of a man and a woman. Any union on earth-
whether between those of the same or opposite genders-that is not sealed by the holy priesthood will end with mortal death.

Those who are critical of the Church or who are simply waiting around for leaders of the Church to "see the light" and allow homosexuals to marry or to support legal
civil unions do not have a sound spiritual understanding of the place of marriage within the doctrine of the gospel. The Church does not support the traditional marriage
of a man and a woman simply because it is traditional. Scripture shows that that which has been traditional through the ages can be wicked and contrary to God's
purposes (see Colossians 2:8; 1 Peter 1:18; Mosiah 1:5; Alma 3:8; 9:16-17; Helaman 15:7, 15). The Church supports traditional marriage because it is divine-it is the
eternal order of godhood.

Elder Boyk K. Packer stated, "Some work through political, social, and legal channels to redefine morality and marriage into something unrestrained, unnatural, and
forbidden. But they never can change the design which has governed human life and happiness from the beginning." (Boyd K. Packer, "The Standard of Truth Has
Been Erected," Ensign, November 2003.) Though the specific circumstances are different, the apostles in the meridian Church had similar concerns towards those who
were trying to alter or redefine aspects of the gospel. Paul, with his trademark boldness, warned of those who would "pervert the gospel of Christ" by preaching
"another Jesus" or "another gospel" than the one preached by those apostles who had had hands laid upon their heads and were set apart under by the priesthood of
heaven to preach the message of salvation. [cite] Paul worried that their "minds should be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ" (Corinthians 11:1-6; Galatians
1:6-12). In addition, Peter and Alma both warned against those who "wrest" the word of God, whether it be from the scriptures or the living oracles, for if they did, it
would only be "unto their own destruction" (Peter 13:16; Alma 13:20; see also Psalm 56:5; D&C 10:63).

Concerning those who experience same-gender attraction, in an October general conference address in 1998, President Gordon B. Hinckley stated: "We want to help
these people, to strengthen them, to assist them with their problems and to help them with their difficulties. But we cannot stand idle if they indulge in immoral activity, if
they try to uphold and defend and live in a so-called same-sex marriage situation. To permit such would be to make light of the very serious and sacred foundation of
God-sanctioned marriage and its very purpose, the rearing of families." (Gordon B. Hinckley, "What Are People Asking about Us?" Ensign, November 1998.)

The following year, in reference to Proposition 22, or the Knight Initiative, in California that aimed to preserve traditional marriage, President Hinckley said: "We deal
only with those legislative matters which are of a strictly moral nature or which directly affect the welfare of the Church. . . . Such is currently the case in California,
where Latter-day Saints are working as part of a coalition to safeguard traditional marriage from forces in our society which are attempting to redefine that sacred
institution. God-sanctioned marriage between a man and a woman has been the basis of civilization for thousands of years. There is no justification to redefine what
marriage is. Such is not our right, and those who try will find themselves answerable to God.

"Some portray legalization of so-called same-sex marriage as a civil right. This is not a matter of civil rights; it is a matter of morality. Others question our constitutional
right as a church to raise our voice on an issue that is of critical importance to the future of the family. We believe that defending this sacred institution by working to
preserve traditional marriage lies clearly within our religious and constitutional prerogatives. Indeed, we are compelled by our doctrine to speak out."

But he again reemphasized that opposition to the "attempts to legalize same-sex marriage should never be interpreted as justification for hatred, intolerance, or abuse of
those who profess homosexual tendencies, either individually or as a group. As I said from this pulpit one year ago, our hearts reach out to those who refer to
themselves as gays and lesbians. We love and honor them as sons and daughters of God. They are welcome in the Church. It is expected, however, that they follow the
same God-given rules of conduct that apply to everyone else, whether single or married." (Gordon B. Hinckley, "Why We Do Some of the Things We Do," Ensign,
November 1999; italics added.)

With that having been said years ago, the nation is again in a political uproar over this same issue. There has been mass lobbying for same-sex marriage rights in
California, New York, and Oregon, among other places. There is picketing for and against it. With some homosexual couples carrying signs that read, "Your Religion is
Not My Government!" others are carrying signs declaring, "God hates homosexuals!" In this "misty" time of confusion and turmoil, it is imperative that the Saints of God
recognize and closely follow those whom the Almighty has called to guide His people in these last days.

There  are those
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are sometimes told that leaders in the Church do not really understand these problems. Perhaps we don't. There are many 'whys' for which we just do not have simple
answers. But we do understand temptation, each of us, from personal experience. Nobody is free from temptations of one kind or another. That is the test of life. That
is part of our mortal probation. Temptation of some kind goes with the territory." (Boyd K. Packer, "Covenants," Ensign, November 1990.)
California, New York, and Oregon, among other places. There is picketing for and against it. With some homosexual couples carrying signs that read, "Your Religion is
Not My Government!" others are carrying signs declaring, "God hates homosexuals!" In this "misty" time of confusion and turmoil, it is imperative that the Saints of God
recognize and closely follow those whom the Almighty has called to guide His people in these last days.

There are those who criticize Church leaders for lacking in understanding of those who experience same-gender attraction. Elder Boyd K. Packer acknowledged: "We
are sometimes told that leaders in the Church do not really understand these problems. Perhaps we don't. There are many 'whys' for which we just do not have simple
answers. But we do understand temptation, each of us, from personal experience. Nobody is free from temptations of one kind or another. That is the test of life. That
is part of our mortal probation. Temptation of some kind goes with the territory." (Boyd K. Packer, "Covenants," Ensign, November 1990.)

Unless the prophets and apostles have experienced this challenge themselves, they won't understand it perfectly, and they may not understand perfectly how to help. It
is imperative to understand, however, that their call to the apostleship was not a call to understand perfectly every problem the members of the Church face, although I
believe they do sincerely strive to understand members' needs so that they might better serve those needs. They may not understand same-gender attraction perfectly,
but they do understand Christ's word and His plan for our salvation. They do understand His love, mercy, judgment, and justice, and they were called to be "special
witnesses of the name of Christ in all the world"-to bear witness of the name of Him who does understand us perfectly, of Him who took upon him our infirmities, "that
his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to [our] infirmities" (Alma
7:12). Christ is the one who does understand perfectly every problem and every pain His people experience, and He will succor us in our extremity. The prophets and
apostles are a means called to turn us to the End, so that He might heal us-so that He might "bind up the broken-hearted [and] proclaim liberty to the captives" (D&C
138:42).

If the prophets did understand perfectly our infirmities and could succor us perfectly, we might be tempted to view them as an end for our welfare and salvation rather
than heeding their call to come to the only One in whom there is the power to be redeemed and regenerated from our fallen state. Christ is our Redeemer, in whose
blood we may have salvation, but His word is dispensed through His prophets. Through prophets, the nature of Christ and His Atonement are revealed to us. Through
prophets, we know how we must live and what we must do to "apply [His] atoning blood" (Mosiah 4:2).

Speaking to his apostles, Christ said, "I am the vine and ye are the branches" (John 15:5). When Lehi partook of the fruit of the tree of life, it was from the branches
that the fruit was plucked. These branches (prophets and apostles) in Lehi's dream were connected to the true vine (Christ). The vine provided the life and the
nourishment so that through the branches the fruit of eternal life could be dispensed (see 1 Nephi 8). [Ty: What a perceptive insight!] Likewise today, it is through the
living branches-those connected to the living and true Vine-that we receive His word.

From Lehi's vision we also learn that the only way to the tree was by holding to the "rod of iron," which is the "word of God" (Nephi 8:20; 11:25). Christ is the Word
of God that we must hold to (see John 1:1). That which He wishes us to know is given to us through the prophets by the Spirit so that we may be purified in Christ
through faith on the prophets' words (see Nephi 19:28). [which Ne.?]

Through the grace of Christ and his Atonement, those who are reborn through Christ become the "seed" of Christ. Abinadi, in a sermon before King Noah that resulted
in his death, taught a powerful truth connecting rebirth in Christ to obedience to the prophets He calls:

"When [Christ's] soul has been made an offering for sin he shall see his seed. . . . And who shall be his seed?

"Behold I say unto you, that whosoever has heard the words of the prophets, yea, all the holy prophets who have prophesied concerning the coming of the Lord-I say
unto you, that all those who have hearkened unto their words . . . that these are his seed, or they are the heirs of the kingdom of God.

"For these are they whose sins he has borne; these are they for whom he has died, to redeem them from their transgressions" (Mosiah 15:10-12; italics added). Those
who have not only "heard the words of the prophets" but who have also "hearkened unto their words" are those who shall be counted as the seed of Christ. These are
"they whose sins he has borne"-these are they who will be cleansed by His blood. We must exercise authentic faith in the authentic truth that God has called these men
to lead His Church, and He will bless us if we have faith in and strictly heed their counsel.

An important requirement in becoming the seed of Christ is diligently following the prophets, whether they speak concerning tattoos, body piercing, family scripture
study, keeping the Sabbath day holy, building a relationship with Heavenly Father through prayer, or homosexual behavior. It is all about love-His for us and ours for
Him-and obedience and being a light to the world. As the words of life flow from their lips, we must be earnest in our efforts to follow. President Ezra Taft Benson put
it most poignantly when he said, "When obedience ceases to be an irritant and becomes our quest, in that moment God will endow us with power." (Elder Donald L.
Staheli, "Obedience-Life's Great Challenge," Ensign, May 1998)

If our salvation depends upon our hearkening to the word of the Lord as given through His prophets, it seems reasonable that we should take every opportunity to
partake of the living waters dispensed through them. It is important that Latter-day Saints be diligent in their efforts to hear the words of the Lord's servants. For those
with a testimony of living prophets, the level of our urgency to hear and to hearken to them is a measure of our dedication to Christ and His gospel.

President Brigham Young was a powerful example of one who understood what it means for modern Israel to have living prophets and what it means to our salvation
and exaltation to heed them. He said: "In my experience I never did let an opportunity pass of getting with the Prophet Joseph and of hearing him speak in public or in
private, so that I might draw understanding from the fountain from which he spoke, that I might have it and bring it forth when it was needed. My own experience tells
me that the great success with which the Lord has crowned my labors is owing to the fact of applying my heart to wisdom . . . In the days of the Prophet Joseph, such
moments were more precious to me than all the wealth of the world. No matter how great my poverty-if I had to borrow meal to feed my wife and children, I never let
an opportunity pass of learning what the Prophet had to impart. This is the secret of the success of your humble servant. I make this application to the Elders of
Israel." (Brigham Young in Journal of Discourses, 12:270.)

These perilous and confusing last days, when men "call evil good, and good evil; [and] put darkness for light, and light for darkness; [and] put bitter for sweet, and
sweet for bitter," are probably the most crucial time in all of history for mankind to watch closely the Lord's chosen servants. I believe that issues discussed and
debated in our modern culture will be major sifters in the Church. Many will divide members of the Church on one level or another. What the prophets of God speak
on various matters will divide those who believe that the Lord leads us today through His prophets from those who do not. When the Lord commanded Nephi to
separate himself from his brothers, he said, "And all those who would go with me were those who believed in the warnings and the revelations of God; wherefore, they
did hearken unto my words" (1 Nephi 5:6) [chk bk no.]

Having faith in Christ includes having faith in His timing in our individual lives, and having faith in Christ includes having faith in His timing as He speaks through His
appointed vessels to the general membership of the Church. We must be patient and have faith that God, whose ways are higher than our ways and whose thoughts are
higher than our thoughts (see Isaiah 55:9), knows the needs of His people as a whole and works on a divine timetable. His purposes and timetable may be different
from our own, and we must be patient with that which we do not understand. He reveals line upon line and precept upon precept and can only give the light and
understanding His people are ready and willing to receive. To the degree that Church members have misunderstandings, phobias, and cynicism, to that degree they are
off "the mark."
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For those who insist on criticizing the leaders of the Church on matters of one kind or another, including same-gender attraction, the following counsel by President
George Q. Cannon should be carefully considered: "If any of you have indulged in the spirit of murmuring and fault-finding and have allowed your tongues to give
utterance to thoughts and words that were wrong and not in accordance with the spirit of the gospel, . . . you ought to repent of it with all your hearts and get down into
higher than our thoughts (see Isaiah 55:9), knows the needs of His people as a whole and works on a divine timetable. His purposes and timetable may be different
from our own, and we must be patient with that which we do not understand. He reveals line upon line and precept upon precept and can only give the light and
understanding His people are ready and willing to receive. To the degree that Church members have misunderstandings, phobias, and cynicism, to that degree they are
off "the mark."

For those who insist on criticizing the leaders of the Church on matters of one kind or another, including same-gender attraction, the following counsel by President
George Q. Cannon should be carefully considered: "If any of you have indulged in the spirit of murmuring and fault-finding and have allowed your tongues to give
utterance to thoughts and words that were wrong and not in accordance with the spirit of the gospel, . . . you ought to repent of it with all your hearts and get down into
the depths of humility and implore Him for the forgiveness of that sin-for it is a most deadly sin. The men who hold the Priesthood are but mortal men; they are fallible
men . . . No human being that ever trod this earth was free from sin, excepting the Son of God . . .

"Nevertheless, God has chosen these men. He has singled them out. . . . He has selected them, and He has placed upon them the authority of the Holy Priesthood, and
they have become His representatives in the earth. He places them as shepherds over the flock of Christ, and as watchmen upon the walls of Zion. And He holds them
to a strict accountability . . . for the authority which He has given to them, and in the day of the Lord Jesus they will have to stand and be judged for . . . the manner in
which they have exercised this authority. If they have exercised it wrongfully and against the interests of His work and the salvation of His people, woe unto them in the
day of the Lord Jesus! He will judge them . . .

"God has chosen his servants. He claims it as His prerogative to condemn them, if they need condemnation. He has not given it to us individually to censure and
condemn them. No man, however strong he may be in the faith, however high in the Priesthood, can speak evil of the Lord's anointed and find fault with God's
authority on the earth without incurring His displeasure. The Holy Spirit will withdraw itself from such a man, and he will go into darkness. This being the case, do you
not see how important it is that we should be careful? However difficult it may be for us to understand the reason for any action of the authorities of the Church, we
should not too hastily call their acts in question and pronounce them wrong." (George Q. Cannon, Gospel Truth, 215, 217.) On another occasion, President Cannon
added, "[They] are responsible to God. God chose and nominated [them], and it is for him to straighten [them] out if [they] do wrong." (George Q. Cannon, In Deseret
Weekly, 21 May 1898, 708; Also cited in Spencer W. Kimball, "'We Thank Thee, O God, for a Prophet,'" Ensign, January 1973, 35.)

Faith Marriage and Timing

Another of the means upon which we can place too much focus-one that can be frustrating and disheartening to many who experience same-gender attraction-is
marriage. If we keep our focus on Christ, marriage will come when we are ready and when He feels it is time for us, individually. I've had to learn to place my life
completely in His hands, trusting that he knows what is best for me. Until I learned to do that, I got depressed whenever I heard a talk on marriage, which-living in a
singles ward at Brigham Young University-was all the time. But I now understand that He will work with me, nurture me, and prepare me so that I can eventually be
ready for it when it is right, whether that be in this life or the next.

The topic of marriage for many who experience same-gender attraction is one about which there are often great concerns. But, in all honesty, in a day of increasing
selfishness, infidelity, and divorce, many of my friends who do not experience same-gender attraction in any degree worry terribly about the prospect of marriage. I
believe there is great reason for anyone, regardless of their challenges, to be cautious and prayerful about the "who, what, when, where, why, and how" of marriage. In
this Church, focused as it is on marriage and the family, there is an abundance of literature from Church leaders and others that can help individuals prepare themselves
to be successful and happy within marriage-again, regardless of what challenges, temptations, or attractions they experience-but I would like to share some insights for
those who experience the challenge of same-gender attraction that I feel are important to at least consider.

Never having been married, I can't share anything on this topic from my own experience. But I can share some things I have learned from the Lord's prophets on
principles that apply to this issue, and there are also things I've learned from observing and speaking with others who experience same-gender attraction-some as long
as nearly forty years-but who also have successful and happy marriages and children and grandchildren. I share these brief thoughts only as ideas to consider and then
to take to the Lord. The nature of same-gender attraction is different for different individuals, and the decision of when and who to marry and how to go about it in
relation to this challenge is a very personal one that should be done only with guidance from priesthood leaders and in intimate communion with our Father in Heaven.

I believe strongly that God does want every one of us to prepare and strive for a "celestial" marriage, which is, of course, much more than simply being married in the
temple. Whether or not that marriage happens in this life may not be something we have control over, but I believe our willingness to strive for it and prepare for it says
something to God about our commitment to His eternal principles and His desires for us as His children. It is important to remember, however, that a commandment
such as marriage, which requires the exercise of another's agency for it to be kept, is not something that can be planned with precision or forced through "faith." Our
faith is manifest in the diligence with which we prepare and strive for it-and then we must allow it to happen in the Lord's own time.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks taught: "Because of things over which we have no control, we cannot plan and bring to pass everything we desire in our lives. . . . Even our most
righteous desires may elude us, or come in different ways or at different times than we have sought to plan. For example, we cannot be sure that we will marry as soon
as we desire. A marriage that is timely in our view may be our blessing or it may not."

He then shares an example from the life of his second wife, Kristen, whom he married after his first wife died of cancer. "Older singles have some interesting
experiences. While [Kristen] was at her sister's place to celebrate her fiftieth birthday, her sister's husband shared something he had just read in a newspaper. 'Kristen,'
he said, 'now that you are a single woman over 50, your chances of marrying are not as good as your chances of being killed by a terrorist.'

"The timing of marriage is perhaps the best example of an extremely important event in our lives that is almost impossible to plan. Like other important mortal events
that depend on the agency of others or the will and timing of the Lord, marriage cannot be anticipated or planned with certainty. We can and should work for and pray
for our righteous desires, but, despite this, many will remain single well beyond their desired time for marriage." (Dallin H. Oaks, "Timing," BYU Speeches, 2001-02.
Taken from a BYU devotional address delivered on January 29, 2002.)

It seems that many who experience this challenge have varying attitudes about how one who experiences same-gender attraction should approach marriage or whether
one should even approach at all. In my conversations with men who are skeptical of someone with this challenge marrying a woman, I have received a fairly typical
response: "It would be unhealthy, selfish, and deceitful to attempt to marry a woman. It's not fair to her. And the 'just get married and it will go away approach' has
ruined families and turned out horribly in almost every single case. A daughter of God who is worthy to marry in the temple deserves to be with a man who can love her
and only her completely."

I've thought a lot about this and similar statements. I'm not naï¿½ve enough to think that marriage for one who experiences same-gender attraction would be easy, but,
in truth, is marriage ever easy? Even when each marriage partner feels a strong heterosexual attraction for the other? To make a blanket statement that marriage for a
person who experiences this challenge is "unhealthy" or "deceitful" or "unfair" is erroneous. There are certainly ways to approach marriage that would be healthy,
honest, and fair to the potential spouse.

It is most important for individuals to remember that marriage should most certainly not be viewed as a "cure" for same-gender attraction. A person with same-gender
attraction
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woman is ordained of God and is intended to be an eternal relationship bonded by trust and fidelity. Latter-day Saints, of all people, should marry with this sacred
objective in mind. Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices, which first should clearly be
overcome with a firm and fixed determination never to slip to such practices again." (Gordon B. Hinckley, "Reverence and Morality," Ensign, May 1987, 45.) It is
honest, and fair to the potential spouse.

It is most important for individuals to remember that marriage should most certainly not be viewed as a "cure" for same-gender attraction. A person with same-gender
attraction is deceiving himself if he marries with that expectation. President Gordon B. Hinckley taught: "The Lord has proclaimed that marriage between a man and a
woman is ordained of God and is intended to be an eternal relationship bonded by trust and fidelity. Latter-day Saints, of all people, should marry with this sacred
objective in mind. Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices, which first should clearly be
overcome with a firm and fixed determination never to slip to such practices again." (Gordon B. Hinckley, "Reverence and Morality," Ensign, May 1987, 45.) It is
important to note here that President Hinckley is saying that behavior must be overcome before marriage, not necessarily the attraction.

If individuals who recognize the implications of their attraction marry as therapy or in the expectation of being "cured"-and then confide in their spouse only after they
realized they had deceived themselves with this expectation, that certainly does seem dishonest and unfairto the spouse. But does that mean that the idea of marriage
should be entirely abandoned? I don't believe so. Every fallen, mortal being who marries enters marriage with challenges or temptations or problems or tendencies. That
is normal. But it is important to consider that different individuals may be either more capable or more willing to work with different challenges.

In the case of a man, as long as he is spiritually clean and worthy to marry and emotionally healthy-for to be truly happy in marriage, we must first learn to be truly
happy single-the decision of what is "fair" to the woman should be her decision. There is certainly the risk that she may not feel she can marry a man who has the
challenge of same-gender attraction. Her decision may be difficult to accept when feelings are deep, but it is also the most fairthing for her. Other women may be willing
and able to healthily marry someone who experiences this attraction. If past transgression is involved, whether an individual feels it important to share that transgression
with his future spouse is individual and may depend on circumstance and the promptings of the Spirit, but past transgressions and present challenges are two different
issues.

Those with same-gender attraction should always be open and honest with a potential spouse about their attraction, so that he or she can understand the implications
and difficulties associated with it. As with any challenged, if we refuse to allow someone else to see us and love us for who we really are-a faithful child of God who
happens to experience a difficult trial-how can we get the love and support that we so desperately need and desire? In openness and honesty, we can let a potential
spouse decide whether or not the challenge of same-gender attraction is a burden he or she feels both willing and capable of bearing with us. The potential spouse
should not just know about the challenge; it is important for that individual to have time to better understand it as much as possible-to study and ponder and prayerful
consider potential individual implications.

When we are taking it upon ourselves to decide what is "fair" for a potential spouse, we must not play the martyr with our own challenge. Many other marital situations
might be considered more "unfair" to a wife, for example, than simply having a husband who is attracted to other men but who does not act on his attraction. Consider
the rising numbers of adult males in the United States-both homosexual and heterosexual-who are addicted to pornography. Is it "fair" for any woman to have to live
with that spiritual poison or to compete with a porn star, male or female? Is not pornography in and of itself-again, whether heterosexual or homosexual-just as much a
killer of spirituality and marriage? What about all the heterosexual "fatherless" or "husbandless" families in the world where the marriage is seemingly intact, but the man
eats and sleeps by remote control-or is rarely home because of work or some other reason? What about the emotional and physical abuse that takes place in homes as
the result of an uncontrolled temper or addiction to drugs or alcohol? What about heterosexual men who are attracted to their wife but who choose not to temper their
desires for other women and are, hence, unfaithful? Are any of these situations "fair" to the women or children involved?

The longer I live and the more closely I observe the world around me, the more I have come to feel that to love another person completely has little to do with our
sexual orientation but rather entirely to do with our hearts and our commitment to our spouse and to Christ-regardless of the nature of our attractions. The more I think
about the things the Lord has taught me through my experience with this attraction, in addition to other gifts and talents the Lord has blessed me with, the more I feel
that they will strengthen, rather than weaken, my future marriage. One individual said to me, "My girlfriend knows about my struggles, and she still wants to marry me.
She told me it is 'because of the person your struggles have made you.'"

A young woman I know who has had close relationships with men who experience this attraction shared with me her feelings about the possibility of marrying someone
with this challenge. She said, "I think, regardless of whether a man experiences same-gender attraction, he must be attracted to the woman he wants to be with-and
attraction is more than just physical. What I'm trying to say is that as long as my spouse has 'Lisa'(lol . . . this is kind of a funny mistake here. You completely just
changed the meaning of the sentence with this change. It's more important to HER that HE has "Lisa" attraction-which wouldn't be same-gender attraction-than "female"
attraction, which would make it a "personal" attraction rather than a "gender" attraction. I think this one would stay as is. I like the personality shown as well just by
saying " 'Lisa' attraction") [Ty: I'm not with you at all so I can't share your amusement at my "mistake." I thought that the text as edited said what you just said, Lisa
attraction and all. Isn't Lisa the name of the "young woman you know . . ." If not, I don't have a clue what "Lisa attraction" is, and that has obviously led to confusion.
For the sake of your readers who, like me, are not quite so clever as one would wish, perhaps it would be wise to clarify this so as not to confuse them?] attraction and
is committed to the Lord and to me, I don't care if he has feelings of attraction to other men. Other married men may feel attracted to other women and not act on those
feelings-this just happens to be a different challenge. I would hope he could look to the heart of me-my soul, my personality, my mind, and, yes, some physical
attributes as well-and see me as beautiful as a whole and as a companion he would want to be with forever. I'd want a man to love me as a person and not because I
am a woman. Yes, the road will be hard, and there will probably be weak moments, but isn't it the same for someone who has never had thoughts or feelings of
attraction toward the same gender? Obviously an immeasurable amount of trust would have to be present for both people in the relationship, but that is true for any
relationship."

A friend of mine who is married to a man who experiences same-gender attraction shared with me some of her feelings concerning her relationship with her husband.
"One of the greatest blessings in our relationship has been our openness with each other, and that openness with each other and with the Lord has been the foundation
of our relationship to this day. I am an inquisitive person. Asking questions helps me get to know people better. I wanted to better understand some of his previous
experiences with this challenge in his life before because I wanted to better understand who he is now. I also know there are limits to what I need to know, and he has
always been open and honest about answering my questions.

"I am not naï¿½ve enough to think that because he is attracted to me he has found the mysterious cure for same-gender attraction and will never be attracted to another
man again. But I do know he is attracted to me, and that is enough. No married person ever becomes so blinded by love that they no longer recognize the beauty of
another person. The kind of man I was attracted to before I married is still attractive to me. I just don't look a little too long now or flirt or do any of the kinds of things
I did when I was still single. My heart and my covenants are toward my Heavenly Father and my husband. That standard should be true for anyone who is married-
whether they have feelings of same-gender attraction or not."

The most important thing we can do is stay faithful to the things we know to be true and seek the Lord's Spirit in helping us to go forward with what we know He
would have us do. And we should recognize that though sexual attraction is an important part of marriage, a man needs only feel it for one woman and not all or even
many women. The most important aspects of a marriage, however, extend beyond physical intimacy to spiritual and emotional intimacy. Contrary to what we may
perceive from popular culture, marriage and intimacy should not be based upon sex or sexuality or physical image. Marriage should be based on mutual love, respect,
strong friendship, and eternal commitment.

A good male friend of mine who is married [Ty: and also same-gender attracted? Say so up front in your story?] shared with me his feelings concerning his marriage,
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saying,     (c) 2005-2009,
        "Marriage   is difficult,Infobase
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                                          struggling                                                                                                     Pageis60
                                                     with same-gender attraction may feel that it is an impossible undertaking, but for my wife and me, marriage     / 71
                                                                                                                                                                  working-
for both of us. I agree that marriage should never be viewed as a 'cure' for anything, but it should likewise never be viewed as an impossible feat, hopelessly out of
reach for someone who is naturally attracted to others of the same gender. Recently, another man with similar struggles [Ty: struggles similar to whose? The husband
strong friendship, and eternal commitment.

A good male friend of mine who is married [Ty: and also same-gender attracted? Say so up front in your story?] shared with me his feelings concerning his marriage,
saying, "Marriage is difficult, and many struggling with same-gender attraction may feel that it is an impossible undertaking, but for my wife and me, marriage is working-
for both of us. I agree that marriage should never be viewed as a 'cure' for anything, but it should likewise never be viewed as an impossible feat, hopelessly out of
reach for someone who is naturally attracted to others of the same gender. Recently, another man with similar struggles [Ty: struggles similar to whose? The husband
you are quoting? Does that mean SGA?] asked me the main reason I feel my marriage works. My first response was simply that I enjoy spending time with my wife
more than anyone else in the world. It's true. We have a wonderful time together. She is so beautiful to me-very striking with a dramatic flair, and she is probably one of
the funniest people in the world without even trying to be. She is talented and passionate and so spiritually mature and in tune. She is caring and compassionate. My
wife is a prize. . . .

"In my eyes, my wife is my special gift from Heavenly Father-a gift that He sent me after I had told myself for a long time that it was all right to be alone as long as He
was the primary focus in my life. For a period my life I was without the influence of the Church and was involved in relationships with other men, but when I finally
decided to give my life to the Lord, I accepted in my heart that I would probably never marry, and I was okay with that. I also knew, however, that if I was obedient to
the laws and ordinances of the gospel, I would have that chance at some time. I just figured that for the time being I would focus on being a good uncle and brother and
son. I would take care of my parents when they got old. I would be that quirky single guy in a family ward that everyone knew but just did not know much about. That
was me, and that was fine. Then along came the woman who was to become my wife . . .

"The Lord always knows best-and what a blessing it is that He does not get distracted by all of our planning and plotting. He never lets our 'expertise' get in the way of
His eternal plan for us. I thank my Heavenly Father for my wife each time I pray. I thank Him that He has blessed me with someone who wants to make our marriage
work as much as I do. Our sights are set on the eternities-together. And we talk about everything-everything-even my challenge with same-gender attraction. When I
met my wife, I was still attracted to other men, and I believe that attraction will probably always be there to some extent. But I try not to focus on it too much, for I
believe the necessary 'change' is not in the attraction but in the behavior. I have an honest and intense attraction to my wife, but that is not to say that I am suddenly now
attracted to other women in the same fashion or that I am no longer attracted to men.

"Early on, we decided that a commitment to openness was imperative to the success of our life together. I have joked with my wife about her never having to worry
about me being a 'skirt chaser.' I have committed to always being faithful to my dear wife, and I have promised my Heavenly Father and Savior that I will never
participate in immoral behavior with men again. My greatest concern has always been the 'discovery' of details relating to past transgressions creeping in and ruining our
marriage, so I told my wife about my challenges within days of meeting her. I knew that I cared deeply for her, and I felt that I had to be honest from the beginning if
things were going to work out. It was a leap of faith that I believed had to be taken in order for her and my Heavenly Father to know of my sincerity. My wife does not
love me 'in spite' of my challenge-she loves me 'because' of my challenge.

"One of the most important things for us in making our marriage work is that my wife and I are very much focused on each other's happiness. That is not to say that our
relationship is perfect, and that we do not have our own selfish motives from time to time. We are infinitely 'human,' but at the core of our relationship is the desire to do
whatever we can to make the other person happy. Our relationship with each other, and our relationship with our Heavenly Father, as individuals and as a couple, is the
foundation of our relationship. We pray and study the scriptures together every day-even if we are unhappy with each other at the time. It is difficult to remain unhappy
with another person when you are kneeling in prayer together, thanking your Father in Heaven for His mercy and love, and asking Him for assistance in your life
together."

If there is someone who is a match for our personality whom we find interesting and whose company we enjoy and who inspires us to be better, then we should
consider what is most important and what we are really looking for. We should not look for someone who completes us, for the only Person who can do that is the
Lord. But we do need to find someone whom we love and with whom we are compatible. Same-gender attraction does not have to be an automatic death sentence to
a relationship. The suggestion that all marriages with this challenge fail is false. We do hear more about the marriages that fail, but I believe that is at least partially
because those who have successful marriages are quietly and faithfully serving each other and their God. The following is an experience of another friend of mine with
this attraction. I thought his words were quite profound: "I feel God has been very merciful to me in regards to finding my wife. I despised dating; it made me feel
awkward. God knew this, so I think he blessed me with a good friend I could just be with. We didn't have to go on 'dates.' We did things together and enjoyed each
other; we had many of the same interests. One night I was praying about our relationship because I was contemplating taking it further, but I wanted to feel attracted to
her in a more complete way.

"During and after that prayer, I remember feeling one of the most wonderful things I've ever felt. I felt the beautiful desire of being with her. I never thought I could have
felt that way. It seemed like I couldn't stop smiling all night. My whole body felt good. It was in contrast to the feelings of desire or attraction I've felt for other men.
Beyond just being free of lust and covetousness, there was together with it a unique inimitable feeling of truth that I can't explain. I think it was just untainted love flowing
through me. All I could do was lie in my bed pondering the sacred feelings and thanking God.

"This is the way I interpreted this experience: God, in His remarkable mercies, allowed me, if just for that moment, to see the vision of the future (and present)-a vision
of celestial love-a vision of what I, as an eternal man, am capable of despite all of my earthly obstacles. That night, I feel I had a sacred, true vision of things as they
really are, 'for the Spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not. Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be; wherefore, these things
are manifested unto us plainly, for the salvation of our souls' (Jacob 4:13). I knew that for me personally, God wanted me to be married in this life, and now I wanted it
too.

"We eventually married and now have a son. I love both of them very much. I am attracted to my wife, but I am also still attracted to other men. It's a battle I have to
fight every day, but I am still winning the fight. I don't think I am doing my wife any injustice by being married to her; she loves me too, and we both agree that we are
better off now than we were before we were married. I pray that I will have the Spirit with me every day to help me to continue see things as they 'really are,' because
when I don't see things as they really are, it is easier to be subjected to temptation and lose the vision of eternal life I am striving for. To maintain that vision, I do what I
can to keep myself spiritually nourished."

It is worth noting again that our continual focus should be on Christ and not on marriage. Marriage may be a very real and healthy possibility for some, but what works
for one may not work for all. Likewise, it should not be construed that because marriage did not work for one it will not work for anyone. We are all different, and the
nature of our experience with same-gender attraction and the factors that have influenced it are different as well. Because some with same-gender attraction have been
successful in marriage, it may be tempting to misplace our focus, become obsessed with the idea of whether or not we personally can marry, and thus lose the proper
eternal perspective. For some, no matter how valiant or faithful or sincere they may be to do everything right and to live according to God's will, marriage may not be a
part of their mortal experience. We have to learn through the Spirit what God's plan is for us individually within His overall plan for our salvation and exaltation. [Ty:
preceding sentence OK as edited?]

I know testimony-bearing, faithful individuals who love the Lord, who desire to live according to His divine will, and who want to marry but who are currently
inadvertently repulsed by the idea of being physically intimate with someone of the opposite gender. These individuals should in no way feel pressured or forced into
marriage
 Copyright in (c)
              order to do the "right
                  2005-2009,         thing"
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                                          Media    be "cured" or follow a cultural standard or to follow someone's example because "they did it, and it works for them, so
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you can do it too." The truly right thing is to stay close to our Father in Heaven and maintain an intimate communion with Him and to follow the Spirit that He will bless
us with if we are faithful. His Spirit will help us to know individually what we can do to more fully prepare ourselves to eventually capably, healthily, and willingly make
that eternally binding covenant with the Lord and our eternal companion. We must be willing to put our will on the altar and allow God to direct the affairs of our life.
preceding sentence OK as edited?]

I know testimony-bearing, faithful individuals who love the Lord, who desire to live according to His divine will, and who want to marry but who are currently
inadvertently repulsed by the idea of being physically intimate with someone of the opposite gender. These individuals should in no way feel pressured or forced into
marriage in order to do the "right thing" or to be "cured" or follow a cultural standard or to follow someone's example because "they did it, and it works for them, so
you can do it too." The truly right thing is to stay close to our Father in Heaven and maintain an intimate communion with Him and to follow the Spirit that He will bless
us with if we are faithful. His Spirit will help us to know individually what we can do to more fully prepare ourselves to eventually capably, healthily, and willingly make
that eternally binding covenant with the Lord and our eternal companion. We must be willing to put our will on the altar and allow God to direct the affairs of our life.
The possibility of marriage must be left in the Lord's hands. But even though we may not all find our eternal companion and marry in this mortal probation, all can find
genuine fulfillment in faithfulness to Christ and His laws if we will seek Him and draw on His enabling grace. [Ty: I changed preceding sentence to avoid distracting
rhyme of face and grace]

In my spiritual journey through the wilderness of mortality, I have learned much and expect to learn much more concerning faith. My initial, simple understanding of faith
in God has evolved. Certainly, faith hoping for things which are not seen, which are true (see Alma 32:21). But it is hoping enough and trusting enough in those things
which are not seen, which are true, that we are willing to offer our whole soul as an offering unto him (Omni 1:26). It is the willingness to take what we value most into
the land of Moriah and place them on the altar there (see Genesis 22:2).

Faith is trusting in the Lord enough to believe that He sees a much larger picture than the one we currently see and that He has a purpose for us in all that we go
through. It is believing in and trusting His prophets that they will teach us that which we need to know in order to stay on the straight and narrow path toward eternal
life. It is trusting in His timing as well as in His reality. Faith is hoping for Him enough to give our life for Him and to live our life for Him. It is believing that if we "will turn
to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put [our] trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind" he will, "according to His own will and pleasure, deliver [us]
out of bondage" (Mosiah 7:33).

To Mourn and to Comfort

I was baptized as a member of the Church when I was eight years old, and I made the covenant then that I would be "willing to bear one another's burdens, that they
may be light; yea, and [be] [Z: chk brack be] willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" (Mosiah 18:8-9). But I am
only now beginning to learn the significance of that covenant-I am only now beginning to understand the love and the mercy God has called on us to bestow upon each
other. I have always believed in the Atonement, and I have always believed in the importance of the second great commandment, to "love thy neighbour as thyself," but
it is only now that I am beginning to internalize them and to realize their true significance (Matthew 22:39).

I've never fully understood what it means to have genuine compassion, and I don't think I yet know how to express Christlike love. But my challenge with same-gender
attraction has driven me to my knees in prayer for His mercy and enabling power, which have helped me to understand more about His love than I did previously. And
although I'm a fairly slow learner, which means He will be teaching me for a long time, I'm grateful that I am now at least beginning to comprehend.

For much of my life, I had it relatively easy. When people had problems, my first response was-even if I didn't vocalize it-to tell them to get over it, that everyone has
problems, and if they would get outside themselves, their problems wouldn't seem so significant. Looking back, I see how judgmental, self-righteous, and close-minded
I was toward views or problems others experienced that differed from my own.

It was easy for me to judge others for weaknesses I couldn't relate to. But now that I have finally recognized the seriousness of my own weaknesses, which have been
brought to light because of this challenge, I feel the beam being taken from my own eyes and am able to see beyond the myopic view I've held for so long regarding
others' pains and challenges. Shortly after I first started talking with others who experience this challenge, I met a young man who mistakenly felt I was much more solid
than he was. He worried that I would judge him for choices he had made and was still struggling with. He said a couple of times that he hoped I wouldn't judge him,
and it surprised me that he would say something like that because I had never had the slightest inclination to think negatively of him, regardless of his past choices.

What startled me even more was that I did not have such an inclination to judge, as I frequently had in the past. At the same time it felt really good not to have that
predisposition. The trial of same-gender attraction has taught me some profound lessons about some of the "weightier matters" (Matthew 23:23)-namely, judgment,
mercy, faith, and charity-for which I am extremely grateful and about which I might not have learned without being tried the way that I am. What is most important to
me is that I am learning those things, and I feel closer to the Lord for it.

An instance in the life of the Savior has taught me an insightful lesson about the commandment to "mourn with those that mourn . . . and comfort those that stand in need
of comfort." [cite] When Lazarus became ill, Jesus explained that there was purpose to this experience. He said to Mary and Martha, "This sickness [need text
here] ??? not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby." He remained for a short time and then called His disciples to return
with Him to Judea, for, said He, "our friend Lazarus sleepeth; but I go, that I may awake him out of sleep" (John 11:4, 11, 32). [chk cites]

When Jesus came into Judea, Mary approached Him, weeping, fell to His feet, and said, "Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died." He watched her as
the tears fell from her cheeks, and He wept with her (John 11:35). He didn't tell Lazarus's sisters that everything was all right, for in their eyes it wasn't. Lazarus was
dead, and they were in pain. Although Christ knew that Lazarus would live-that their loss was temporary-and that there was a glorious purpose to the tragedy, he didn't
belittle His friends' grief. Their pain was still pain, and their tears were still tears. He didn't try to explain it away, and He didn't try to rationalize away their tears. He
wept with them, and He loved them.

So it is with us. Christ suffered beyond all mortal comprehension. Of the pain he suffered, Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught: "The cumulative weight of all mortal sins-past,
present, and future-pressed upon that perfect, sinless, and sensitive Soul! All our infirmities and sicknesses were somehow, too, a part of the awful arithmetic of the
Atonement . . . His suffering-as it were, enormity multiplied by infinity-evoked His later soul-cry on the cross, and it was a cry of forsakenness." (Neal A. Maxwell,
"Willing to Submit," Ensign, May 1985, 73.) But though He "hath descended below them all"-and our trials and anguish will never be anything near the degree that He
experienced-the Great Almighty is still descending, for He weeps with us, cries when we cry, aches when we ache, mourns when we mourn. And He comforts us when
we stand in need of comfort.

I am just now beginning to understand the significance of my calling to do the same-to mourn with those who weep and to comfort those whose eyes are moist and
whose arms are heavy. Judgment is not mine; it is His, and His alone. I have been called to love others and to weep with them. We should not have to bear our crosses
alone, and we should not have to fear the judgment of others-especially that of the Saints of God, who bear His Name-in our pain. It feels unbelievably good to talk
with others about their pains, challenges, trials, challenges, and even transgressions and not feel to condemn or belittle. It feels good to have a greater sense of
compassion as I learn to look more upon the heart of men and women and less upon their behavior. I have come to care more about individuals despite their beliefs or
lifestyle.

It is written: "Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him" (Corinthians 2:9).
I believe the same is true concerning more immediate blessings for those who learn to love their fellow brothers and sisters. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught: "Nothing
isCopyright   (c) 2005-2009,
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                                people toMedia  Corp.
                                          forsake  sin as to take them by the hand, and watch over them with tenderness. When persons manifest the leastPage    62 and
                                                                                                                                                           kindness / 71
love to me, O what power it has over my mind, while the opposite course has a tendency to harrow up all the harsh feelings and depress the human mind." (Joseph
Smith, Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 240.) The power of patient and eternal love should never be underestimated.
lifestyle.

It is written: "Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him" (Corinthians 2:9).
I believe the same is true concerning more immediate blessings for those who learn to love their fellow brothers and sisters. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught: "Nothing
is so much calculated to lead people to forsake sin as to take them by the hand, and watch over them with tenderness. When persons manifest the least kindness and
love to me, O what power it has over my mind, while the opposite course has a tendency to harrow up all the harsh feelings and depress the human mind." (Joseph
Smith, Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 240.) The power of patient and eternal love should never be underestimated.

It is also important for us as Saints to remember that many individuals who experience same-gender attraction-whether or not they have testimonies of the truthfulness
of the gospel of Christ and of the divine role of His Church-will choose not to remain faithful. They may have lost all desire to remain faithful, or they may just be
treading a thorny path as they seek to understand their personal experience and reconcile it with what they have been taught to believe. It may be wise to heed the
example of Jesus in his response to the woman taken in adultery. He did not condemn her, neither did He condone her sins, but He told her to "go, and sin no
more" (John 8:11). Like the Savior, we also must love and comfort and refrain from condemning those who have chosen paths contrary to His teachings. Until the day-
whether that be in this life or the next-when "that spark of divinity in each of them will ignite, [and] they . . . assert their agency as sons and daughters created in the
image of God and renounce the destroyer," we can do as Alma and Mosiah did for their sons. We can pray to the Father in the name of His Son that their loved ones
would be brought to the knowledge of the truth (see Mosiah 27:14).

Regarding those who wish to be affiliated with the Saints, even while they are struggling with submission to their attraction, the resurrected Lord taught the Saints at
Bountiful: "Ye shall meet together oft; and ye shall not forbid any man from coming unto you when ye shall meet together, but suffer them that they may come unto you
and forbid them not; but ye shall pray for them, and shall not cast them out; and if it so be that they come unto you oft ye shall pray for them unto the Father, in my
name"(Nephi 18:22-23).

In a speech given while serving as president of Brigham Young University, Jeffrey R. Holland connected the attitude with which we respond to the needs of others with
our understanding of the Atonement. He said: "I want to suggest to you that it is your relationship with other people, including your husband or wife and your children
that gives you your best chance to say what you believe about the Atonement. Your most important beliefs are not going to be statements made in a classroom. They
certainly aren't going to be statements made in a symposium. What you will say best about your understanding of the Atonement, about love and repentance and
forgiveness, will come in your human relationships with people who have problems, people who make mistakes, who haven't in every hour of every day done all that he
or she could have done in righteousness. You know I'm describing you and me." (Jeffrey R. Holland, CES Symposium, August 1980.)

As I am learning to place my life and my weaknesses and my imperfections completely in the hands of God, I am learning to do the same with the lives and weaknesses
and imperfections of others. I'm learning to put more faith in the love and mercy and understanding of God's judgment and less in my own. I have greater compassion
for how difficult trials can be, but I don't think I would have learned the lessons I have had I not been blessed with this trial. Yes, as crazy as it might sound, I have
come to feel that on some level my experience with same-gender attraction has been a blessing. That recognition doesn't make the trial any easier, and there are still
times when I weep, wondering when the fight will end, but at least I am beginning to recognize the good that has resulted from my experience.

I'm learning to love other people more despite their problems or how seriously they may have transgressed along life's path. I believe that God truly loves each of us
with an infinite and divine love, and I need to learn to love the same. And though I know His love is divine and enduring, I also know His blessing is conditioned upon
our repentance and acceptance of Him. I recognize that He wants to give all of His children all He has, but He can do so only to those who will have Him to be their
God. I'm learning to be willing to leave that judgment to Him and simply try to love as He loves.

We all have struggles; we all experience tragedy; we all suffer from varying trials, challenges, and temptations common to our mortal, fallen state. But the cleansing,
redeeming power of the Lord's atoning blood has made it possible for us to overcome-for all of us to overcome. The way we manifest compassion and mourn with
others and comfort them in their own challenges-although they, like Mary and Martha, do not immediately sense the greater purpose and vision-says something about
our internalized understanding of the Lord's merciful nature and the love that motivated His atoning sacrifice.

Through a Glass Darkly

One of the different groups of people that need the kind of outreach, compassion, and charity the Savior taught and exemplified is those who experience same-gender
attraction. A slow evolution is taking place in the understanding of homosexuality both in society and in the Church, although in diverging directions. As society and
popular culture become increasingly licentious, I believe the members of the Church, as Saints of the Most High, will evolve toward the "mind of Christ" (Corinthians
2:16) with respect to those who experience this challenge.

Church members should not embrace or condone homosexual behavior in any form, nor should they wish for the Church to change its position on the matter, but the
members of Christ's Church will grow in Christlike compassion and acceptance of those who experience same-gender attraction. In so doing they will become a light to
the world. In 1991, the First Presidency of the Church declared: "Sexual relations are proper only between husband and wife appropriately expressed within the bonds
of marriage. Any other sexual contact, including fornication, adultery, and homosexual and lesbian behavior, is sinful. ." (First Presidency statement, 14 November
1991. As cited in . . . Oaks, "Same-Gender Attraction.") (this is the statement I was denied permission to use by copyrights and permissions, but at least part of this is
in Elder Oaks' talk, "Same-Gender Attraction.")

The First Presidency's statement is the word of the Lord on the matter of sexual morality. That word will not change, particularly concerning something as eternal and
sacred and godly as the nature of sexuality. We must become more liberally minded in our approach to same-gender attraction, but in doing so we do not need to stray
from revealed truth. Rather, in our approach we must move beyond myopic views concerning the nature of this challenge and to support in a Christlike manner those
who experience it and who sometimes find it painful to conform their lives to the truth.

It is important to realize that our own knowledge of even eternal truths-of God's nature, of love or any other principle of the gospel-is not absolute but relative to our
capacity, experience, and position. Our understanding is partial, restricted, and complex, and one who is guided by reason alone, without the faith and hope and charity
spoken of by Paul, may instead be guided by misunderstanding, bigotry, cynicism, fear, and even hatred. It is necessary that we seek to understand as well as to be
understood. [Ty: is "we" the Saints in general or "we" those who experience s-g attraction?] (the Saints in general)

We do not comprehend, as God does, the end from the beginning, and the minds of many of the Lord's covenant people often seem as prejudiced as they were
anciently. Too often Saints have often walked and reacted in darkness, not heeding the Light that is in them. We have neither the mind nor the full knowledge of God,
and until we do, it is crucial that we do as Paul taught and abide in faith and hope and charity. It is through the grace of Christ that we have the capacity to imagine what
it is like to suffer as another person suffers.

"That They Might Be Remembered and Nourished"

The Church of Jesus Christ was designed by God to be a haven where those who experience mortal challenges, including same-gender attraction, can come for love
and strength(c)
 Copyright   and2005-2009,
                 compassionInfobase
                             and understanding.
                                      Media Corp.It is His people who can and must create that haven. The Church is a "hospital for the sinners"-the medication
                                                                                                                                                      Page 63being
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the gospel of grace and redemption and regeneration-not a "country club for the righteous." It was designed to be a place where those who are weak but loved of God
can come to be "remembered and nourished by the good word of God, to keep them in the right way, to keep them continually watchful unto prayer, relying alone
upon the merits of Christ, who was the author and the finisher of their faith" (Moroni 6:4).
"That They Might Be Remembered and Nourished"

The Church of Jesus Christ was designed by God to be a haven where those who experience mortal challenges, including same-gender attraction, can come for love
and strength and compassion and understanding. It is His people who can and must create that haven. The Church is a "hospital for the sinners"-the medication being
the gospel of grace and redemption and regeneration-not a "country club for the righteous." It was designed to be a place where those who are weak but loved of God
can come to be "remembered and nourished by the good word of God, to keep them in the right way, to keep them continually watchful unto prayer, relying alone
upon the merits of Christ, who was the author and the finisher of their faith" (Moroni 6:4).

Too often among the Saints those who experience same-gender attraction learn to feel that they are inherently evil, wicked, degenerate, and selfish because those in a
position to teach often do not distinguish between the person with homosexual attractions and the homosexual behaviors it sometimes may lead to. Confucius taught,
"To study without thinking is futile. To think without studying is dangerous," and on an issue as sensitive and complicated and often controversial as same-gender
attraction, we must be especially careful about what we teach regarding this issue, and the way we teach it. As individuals with same-gender attraction grow up in an
environment of misinformation and misunderstanding, they learn to hate themselves. Some learn to see themselves as inherently an enemy to all that is good and
virtuous, and consequently they lose their sense of worth and value in the eyes of God. Under this pressure a few-andany is too many-take their own lives.

The way the Saints of God teach and reach out toward those who experience this and other challenges should be more representative of the way our Savior taught and
ministered. One evangelical author discussed the relationship Christ had with those who most needed His succoring in contrast to the relationship we as Christ's people
often have with those who need succoring . Although he was speaking of the evangelical Christian community, a parallel can be drawn to what may occur in the Latter-
day Saint community if we are not wise. He said: "The more unsavory the characters, the more at ease they seemed to feel around Jesus. People like these found Jesus
appealing: a Samaritan social outcast, a military officer of the tyrant Herod, a quisling tax collector, a recent hostess to seven demons. In contrast, Jesus got a chilly
response from more respectable types. Pious Pharisees thought him uncouth and worldly, a rich young ruler walked away shaking his head, and even the open-minded
Nicodemus sought a meeting under the cover of darkness. . . . Somehow we have created a community of respectability in the church. The down-and-out, who
flocked to Jesus when he lived on earth, do not feel welcome. How did Jesus, the only perfect person in history, manage to attract the notoriously imperfect? And what
keeps us from following in his steps today?" (Philip Yancey, The Jesus I Never Knew [Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan, 1995], 147-48; italics added.)

God loves and desires to reach out to every one of His children, and at baptism we covenanted to do the same-"to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort
those that stand in need of comfort" (Mosiah 18:8-9). That is our stewardship, and a most important part of our call to holiness. If we as members of His Church do
not seek out those who need Him most, we may alienate those who most desperately long for the Savior's loving embrace and healing grace. In this situation, we may
alienate those who experience same-gender attraction and want to remain faithful to Christ and active in His Church but who find less comfort in the Church and among
the Saints than they might. Elder Neal A. Maxwell stated, "The hands which hang down and most need to be lifted up belong to those too discouraged even to reach
out anymore." (Neal A. Maxwell, "Swallowed Up in the Will of the Father," Ensign, November 1995.)

Saints of the meridian Church provide an example for us today, for despite the thorn in Paul's flesh, he said he found comfort among the people of the Lord: "And my
temptation which was in my flesh ye despised not, nor rejected; but received me as an angel of God, even as Christ Jesus" (Galatians 4:14). The meridian Saints had a
large portion of the charity Christ exemplified. Charity is not simply alms or good deeds; it is a very real Godlike love that those of the world cannot comprehend. If we
truly have charity, we see through the eyes of eternity-we see others as God sees them and strive to help them and build them as God would strive to help and build
them. It is the "pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever . . . wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled
with this love" (Moroni 7:47-48). [chk punct]

One thing is clear. It is important that the Saints of God avoid treating those who experience same-gender attraction as if they were in open rebellion against God and
deserve to be shunned or socially "stoned." Rather, they should be treated with the kind and loving attitude exemplified by the Master. Most individuals who experience
same-gender attraction, if given a choice, would likely prefer not to experience such an attraction if for no other reason than their life would be easier. From my own
experience, I know how difficult this cross is to bear, but nothing has been more strengthening and given me more hope than to know people with whom I felt I could
share this challenge, people who would not judge or belittle me and who would do all within their power to make the cross as light as possible.

There have been times when I have wept because of the difficulty of this challenge, and there have been times when I have wept with gratitude, knowing how much
more difficult it could be if I didn't have friends and leaders and family who love me unconditionally and support me. It is only recently-because of that love and
support-that I have been able finally to open up and allow myself to truly be loved and to learn to truly love myself as well. For years I bore the burden alone in fear
and self-hatred. For years I was certain I could never tell another soul my feelingsbecause of how "evil" those forbidden feelings were.

But when I could bear the burden alone no longer, I was grateful for those who were so filled with charity and compassion for all people that I did not fear their
judgment and dared venture to ask for their support and confidence. After prayerfully selecting those I initially told and gauging their response, I began to feel much
more comfortable with who I am as an individual and with the mortal challenges I experience. If their response had not been so compassionate, I might never have
trusted another person and would still be hiding in fear and my own self-homophobia.

As I have felt comfort in sharing my feelings with others who did not judge but instead reached out in compassion, I have often thought of the response of Joseph Smith
after he was finally allowed to reveal the plates to others. After returning home from his experience with the Three Witnesses, "Joseph threw himself down beside [his
mother], and exclaimed, 'Father, mother, you do not know how happy I am: the Lord has now caused the plates to be shown to three more besides myself . . . and I
feel as if I was relieved of a burden which was almost too heavy for me to bear, and it rejoices my soul, that I am not any longer to be entirely alone in the
world.'" (Lucy Mack Smith, History of Joseph Smith by His Mother, 152-53.)

When I first told my family, they embraced me and told me that they loved me. I was still their son, I was still their brother-and their affection was unchanged. A difficult
situation could have been made more difficult by their reaction, but what they said and did was exactly what I needed. Their hearts and arms were still open to me, they
loved me, and they would be there for me when I needed them. For many, that may be all that is really needed.

I rejoice in others who love me and are there for me when the burden seems too heavy. I know of others as well who have felt relief and greater peace because the
loving nature of their parents prompted them to share their burden with them. The mother of a friend of mine said to me: "I see how much more peace has come to him
since his friendship with you and his decision to open up to us. A huge weight is off his shoulders as he is able to talk and share his feelings and concerns freely. Even
though things are still awkward for him with some, I still think that it is better than the distance that was building because there was such a huge part of his life that he
couldn't talk about."

God Commanded the Light to Shine Out of Darkness

In my journey through this experience, and as I have encountered various responses to same-gender attraction, I have noticed that those who have known individuals
who experience it (most often someone close to them or whom they love a great deal) have been much more compassionate and loving. That kind of response does not
mean such individuals acknowledge same-gender attraction as theologically or morally acceptable, but they handle it in a sympathetic and kindhearted manner. They
give greater place in their hearts for understanding and for the love of God. "For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to
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                    the knowledge        Media
                                  of the glory ofCorp.                                                                                                  Page 64
                                                 God in the face of Jesus Christ" (Corinthians 4:6). The light of love and compassion and understanding replaces the / 71
darkness of fear, suspicion, and misunderstanding.
In my journey through this experience, and as I have encountered various responses to same-gender attraction, I have noticed that those who have known individuals
who experience it (most often someone close to them or whom they love a great deal) have been much more compassionate and loving. That kind of response does not
mean such individuals acknowledge same-gender attraction as theologically or morally acceptable, but they handle it in a sympathetic and kindhearted manner. They
give greater place in their hearts for understanding and for the love of God. "For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to
give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ" (Corinthians 4:6). The light of love and compassion and understanding replaces the
darkness of fear, suspicion, and misunderstanding.

Elder Alexander [initial?] Morrison, in an address to individuals who experience same-gender attraction, said: "The struggle with same-gender attraction is one of the
most trying, difficult and painful challenges faced by God's children. I can never forget sitting up most of the night with a young American doing charitable work in
Eastern Nigeria. He had struggled for many years with same-gender attraction, from adolescence through his mission, and his time thereafter in university studies.
Though in great personal pain, he had endured in faithfulness, but finally came to me in despair, not knowing how to proceed, hoping only that if he wandered the
dangerous roads of Nigeria at night he could be killed and put out of his misery. My heart ached for him.

"Same-gender attraction . . . entails great spiritual struggle and may require years and even a lifetime of prayer, tears, repentance and diligence. The question invariably
arises as to whether persons with same-gender attraction can ever change. While some assert-not on acceptable evidence-that same-gender attraction is immutable and
unchangeable, there is good evidence that some individuals have indeed changed to a normal heterosexual lifestyle and thought pattern. Others, however, despite valiant
and prayerful effort, continue to struggle with the challenge of same-gender attraction. Their burdens are heavy, and their tears many. As I counseled my young friend in
Nigeria, they can, however, struggle on in faith, keeping the commandments of God, with the assurance He will strengthen and sustain them. It is not easy, but perhaps
it is not intended to be so." (Alexander B. Morrison, "Some Gospel Perspectives on Same-Gender Attraction," 16 September 2000, Salt Lake City, Utah.)

As homosexuality becomes more visible in our society, more individuals will be willing to acknowledge their same-gender attraction and cease suppressing their
feelings. If there is support, spiritual warmth and nourishment, and a haven for them in Christ's kingdom, there is a much greater probability that they will seek that
haven. President Howard W. Hunter taught, "In the gospel view, no man is alien. No one is to be denied. There is no underlying excuse for smugness, arrogance, or
pride." (Howard W. Hunter, "The Gospel-A Global Faith," Ensign, November 1991, 18.)

The Prophet Joseph Smith said: "While one portion of the human race is judging and condemning the other without mercy, the Great Parent of the universe looks upon
the whole of the human family with a fatherly care and paternal regard; He views them as His offspring, and without any of those contracted feelings that influence the
children of men, causes 'His sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust' (Matthew 5:45). He holds the reins of judgment in
His hands; He is a wise Lawgiver, and will judge all men, not according to the narrow, contracted notions of men, but, 'according to the deeds done in the body
whether they be good or evil,' or whether these deeds were done in England, America, Spain, Turkey, or India." (Joseph Smith, History of the Church, 4:595-96.)

In the early days of AIDS, individuals feared even to be near someone who had it for fear they would catch it or be somehow contaminated. For the most part, in
educated and modern nations, those dark days have passed, and the light of science and progress has helped us to see that those who are victims of its effects need the
warm arms of embrace rather then the cold hand of disdain.

So it is with same-gender attraction. In times past, and unfortunately still present, some fear that being near someone who is gay will contaminate their children or that
homosexuality is somehow contagious. Hopefully, as time and truth tell their story, those will become merely the dark days of history, and the loving arms of embrace
and compassion can be extended to help individuals through their challenge. But if there is only coldness, cynicism, fear, misunderstanding, and suspicion, those who are
weak in faith will go where they can find the love and acceptance they desperately need and long for. I hope that the growth of God's kingdom will foster growth in
understanding those who have challenges, who live daily through trials that seem unbearable, and that with growth in understanding will come a greater willingness for
God's people "to mourn with those that mourn . . . and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" (Mosiah 18:8-9).

A Place in the Kingdom

here?! The word has been ever-present in my heart as I have pleaded with God to know my place in the Church and kingdom of God. My whole life and seeming
place in the Church was built partly upon my aspirations for a future family. When I finally confronted the hard reality that there was a possibility my lifelong desire might
never be realized, I was completely despondent. I believed that my place in the kingdom was nothing more than a fading dream, and I was bound to leave what I had
always loved most. I became discouraged and hopeless. It was not until I gained a better understanding and conviction of the real Rock and His purpose for me in
mortality that my hope was renewed and I began to better understand what my place in the kingdom would be. That place may be vastly different from what I had
always hoped and imagined, but now my hope is simply in Christ-I will ever strive to let Him lead my life wherever He may.

Even though family is a critical part of the gospel and an important part of the mortal Church, our faith and conviction should not be built entirely upon having our own
family here in this life. The Church's focus on eternal marriage and family may not apply to me at this time. Although I hope to marry and have a family, I have to leave
that to Him. It is something that I, with my struggle with same-gender attraction, have had to place completely in His hands. But whether marriage is to be a part of my
mortal experience or not, I have wondered what my role in the Church family is to be. As I've read Paul's counsel to the Corinthian Saints, I've come to know that
there is a place for me in the Church somewhere. He said:

so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit into one body . . . and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.

"Now the body not made up of one part but of many. If the foot should say, "Because I am not the hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason
cease to be part of the body. And if the ear should say, "Because I am not the eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the
body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has
arranged the parts of the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but
one body."

The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be
weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable. And the parts that are unpresentable we treat with special modesty, while our presentable
parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no
division in the body, but that its parts should have equal care for each another. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices
with it.

Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. (NIV Bible, 1 Corinthians 12:12-27)

I know that I am a part of the body of Christ. Although it may be difficult for someone like me to stay in the Church and faithful to its standards, if we have true faith
that there is something more after this life, we are assured that the sacrifice will be worth it. In the meantime, however, people in similar situations to mine have to find an
individual role in the Church family. I've often asked myself why I must experience a trial and temptation that is so unnatural and yet feels so natural? Why couldn't my
mortal challenge at least be something "normal"?
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The same day I walked out of the counselor's office and the Spirit impressed upon me the words of Alma 7:11-12, [repeat them here] I thought also about the words
of Jacob in the Book of Mormon: "We would to God . . . that all men would believe in Christ, and view his death, and suffer his cross and bear the shame of the
I know that I am a part of the body of Christ. Although it may be difficult for someone like me to stay in the Church and faithful to its standards, if we have true faith
that there is something more after this life, we are assured that the sacrifice will be worth it. In the meantime, however, people in similar situations to mine have to find an
individual role in the Church family. I've often asked myself why I must experience a trial and temptation that is so unnatural and yet feels so natural? Why couldn't my
mortal challenge at least be something "normal"?

The same day I walked out of the counselor's office and the Spirit impressed upon me the words of Alma 7:11-12, [repeat them here] I thought also about the words
of Jacob in the Book of Mormon: "We would to God . . . that all men would believe in Christ, and view his death, and suffer his cross and bear the shame of the
world" (Jacob 1:8). I believe we need to bear the cross of Christ, but why this cross? As the words of Alma impressed themselves upon me, I felt a small insight into
the answer to this question. The Spirit rested upon me, teaching me: "He will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the
flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities." [cite]

The Lord has said that His people are to be the saviors of men in the sense that they help the Savior in His work and turn people to Him (see D&C 103:9-10). The
Savior understands us and can succor us because He suffered trial and temptation beyond what we will ever suffer. For members of the Church to fulfill their baptismal
covenant to "mourn with those that mourn . . . and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" (Mosiah 18:9), they must have some idea of how to succor others in
their afflictions. Those who have suffered similar trials are often more compassionate and understanding and hence more able to point those in mourning to their Savior,
who can completely understand their pain.

The number of people experiencing same-gender attraction-or at least those willing to be open with it-seems to be increasing, and the trend will likely continue. Also, as
the Church spreads throughout the world, it is almost certain there will be an increased number of Church members who experience same-gender attraction. The feeling
I had as I left the meeting with my counselor was that I must taste a little of the pain of this trial in order to "succor" others in the future-both in and out of the Church-
that they may know they can turn to Christ to be made whole.

I do not know what the individual purposes for others who experience same-gender attraction may be or whether their individual place and mission within the kingdom
is similar to mine. But this much I do know: they are loved by their literal and divine Father in Heaven, who wants them Home, and there is most certainly a place for
them within the kingdom of God and within the body of Christ. The place that they fit may not be the one traditionally viewed or the ideal sought for, but our God and
His Christ have placed each of us here for a reason. There is much for us to learn and to teach others that we may not have been able to do in any other way.

There is much that those who experience same-gender attraction and who desire to stay faithful to the Church and to Christ can do to enrich the lives of other Church
members. A number of close friends and others have thanked me for helping them grow in their understanding of those who experience same-gender attraction. I know
of several others whose example has changed the attitudes of those close to them who know of their challenge. We need to help people get beyond the
misunderstandings and the stereotypes. I know many individuals who deal with same-gender attraction who, because of it, seem to have grasped some of the "weightier
matters" of the law-namely, mercy, compassion, and grace. [cite] I have grown from knowing them and learning from them and feel they have much to offer the world
and the kingdom. If they remain faithful to Christ, they will be powerful instruments in His hands. When people are willing to truly open their hearts and be taught, there
is no limit to the good that can be done in helping them to grow in compassion and understanding.

As for me, I am just beginning to see the fulfillment of that spiritual witness I received as I left my counselor's office that day. I have felt on a few occasions that the Lord
has been able to use me as an instrument in a small way to help people better understand this challenge-or to help others who experience it better understand the
redeeming and enabling power of their Deliverer. At one point, while I was teaching at the Missionary Training Center, I was teaching a principle concerning the way
God sees each of us as His children, and I shared an example of a spiritual insight I gained while working with the homosexual couple on my mission. The Spirit was
powerful in the room during our discussion, and the missionaries radiated an amazing feeling of love and desire to truly understand others not like them.

After the class-in person or in private notes written to me-many of the elders spoke of how grateful they were for that lesson because it helped them to see people who
experience same-gender attraction in a different light and to feel a sense of compassion, love, and desire to understand. I didn't reveal my own challenge, and the lesson
wasn't on homosexuality, but to some of them that example was powerful in helping them to understand the principle I originally intended to teach. Hopefully they have
since moved on to help others to be more understanding.

The first time I used the homosexual couple as an example for a principle I was teaching occurred shortly before that experience at the MTC. It was my first day with a
group of elders I was to be instructing, and I had only recently begun to consider the possibility that my experience with same-gender attraction might imply a life
without a family of my own. It was a really trying time, in which I had to do some deep soul-searching and studying of both the gospel and the issue.

I have since come to understand that certain events are often timed in our lives to prepare us for other things. I had taught this principle numerous times in the years I
had taught at the MTC, but this was the first time I had ever had the impression to share the insight I had gained while teaching that homosexual couple. I wasn't sure I
wanted to, though, because I didn't want to give an awkward first impression to these elders. I didn't want them to suspect anything about me or feel awkward
discussing this topic, which in my previous experience had almost always seemed to attract derogation or discomfort. But the impression was there, nonetheless, so I
shared the experience, and I wondered for the rest of the night what that impression implied.

The next class period, however, I felt I knew the reason the impression had been given to me. Randomly, I chose one of the elders from the district to take out of class
and do an individual evaluation of his teaching skills. While the elder was presenting a principle from the discussions, I had a distinct impression that he was the reason I
was supposed to share my experience. Toward the end of that district's stay in the MTC, he approached me with a concern that had been weighing on his mind. He
wanted to know how he should respond if people asked him about a Church doctrine or position on which he disagreed with the prophets.

Noting his sincerity and the seriousness of the question, we went into a private room where he began to explain. He mentioned that he had some friends who were
homosexual and he couldn't see anything wrong with two people being together who loved each other. At that moment, I knew that he wasn't concerned just for his
"friends." Understanding what he was really asking, I responded to his "real" concern while, for the sake of his own comfort, keeping it in the context of what he had
actually asked me. We had a positive and enlightening conversation-in which I did not reveal my own struggle-and that seemed to be the end of it.

But he did leave me a short note before he left the MTC, a portion of which read: "I wanted to thank you for answering my questions and helping me out concerning the
whole homosexuality issue. It's something that's been bothering me for a while, even before the MTC, and your insight on the subject helped out more than you'll ever
know. There are some things I think I could use some answers to, but I'll just seek for some personal revelation!" And then he was gone from the MTC.

Several months later, I received another letter from him in which he again thanked me for our conversation and referred to his earlier concern. He wrote: "I was having
a hard time in the MTC, and I appreciate your being there to answer some of my questions and encourage me. I wish I could say things are perfect here, but I'm doing
my best, and I know the Lord loves and respects me for that. Also, thank you for your insight on receiving personal revelation. I'm coming to realize just how important
revelation is, and I seek it daily, which constantly helps me in my life and in this work."

After I responded, noting that I hadn't realized he had struggled so much, other than the concern he had approached me with at the very end of his stay at the MTC, he
wrote me a letter confiding his struggle with same-gender attraction.
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With my friend's consent, I decided to disclose our exchanges for two purposes. One is that the experience with my missionary friend has been an experience that has
helped me to better understand the Lord's purpose in allowing me to experience this attraction. The other reason is that I believe our exchange shows to some degree
the experience of this other son of God as he has been slowly coming to understand the importance of his own experience with this challenge and of the value of his
revelation is, and I seek it daily, which constantly helps me in my life and in this work."

After I responded, noting that I hadn't realized he had struggled so much, other than the concern he had approached me with at the very end of his stay at the MTC, he
wrote me a letter confiding his struggle with same-gender attraction.

With my friend's consent, I decided to disclose our exchanges for two purposes. One is that the experience with my missionary friend has been an experience that has
helped me to better understand the Lord's purpose in allowing me to experience this attraction. The other reason is that I believe our exchange shows to some degree
the experience of this other son of God as he has been slowly coming to understand the importance of his own experience with this challenge and of the value of his
own place in the kingdom.

He wrote:

"As far as the MTC goes, I was having a really hard time. One of my greatest character traits is that I hide my emotions quite well (It's not much of a good trait, but it
saves a lot of explanation and discomfort). I trust you a great deal (although I don't know you too well, yet), so I feel I can tell you what was going on. I went into the
mission field with a 'clean slate,' but inside I thought I was gay. So, here I was wondering how I was going to teach about the wonderful plan of salvation when I felt I
didn't have a chance at the greatest goal myself. I remember thinking, 'How can I teach about eternal marriage when I don't think I'll have the opportunity?' So inside I
was torn apart. I didn't know how I was going to be able to testify of something that I didn't feel (at the time) pertained to me.

"I know that is one of the reasons I came to you with my concerns (although I was obviously beating around the bush). I can remember the time you told of the
experience talking with LDS men with the same problem I had, and the genuine Christlike love you showed toward them (Because I'm not sure if you know this, but
many Latter-day Saints don't react well to non-heterosexuality!). I remember your advice those last few days, and I can remember your profound words of counsel.
You shed new light on a subject I had thought I knew all the answers about. I needed your help at that time, and I thank Heavenly Father frequently for the way things
tend to work out like that.

"You asked in your letter if things have changed at all since I've been out on my mission. It's amazing the changes that have taken place in my life. I went into the MTC
with the mind frame that I would never get married, and I'd try to live the way God would want me to, and that would be that-perhaps buy a cat . . . Yeah, basically
goals and dreams that scratch the surface of what I have the potential of achieving. Now, at this time, I am actually doing great. I actually have eternity in my mind
frame, and it is on my top list of goals, dreams, and desires. Obviously, it's not like it's 'POOF!'-all my troubles and struggles are gone, but looking at life in an eternal
perspective, it makes the struggles not as hard and helps me rely more on our Father in Heaven and the ones who want to see me succeed in this life and beyond, such
as family and friends. So it's great. I hope you weren't weirded out by me dropping that info on you, but I think you can handle it. Just in those three weeks, you
seemed to me to be one of the most understanding people I know.

"As far as the homosexuality issue on a mission, it's been very interesting. I'm in a very liberal city, but I've had the opportunity to use my experience to help other
people out. There was a time we went into the city to contact people, and we came across a man who was about 22, who was a member of the Church, and gay. The
reason he left the Church was that he didn't feel welcome. After we talked with him for a while, he had a greater understanding of the gospel of Jesus Christ and how he
is loved. Inot sure where he is now, but I know he walked away from that conversation with a greater outlook on his faith in Jesus Christ and how he felt about the
Church. To be honest, I'm not going to hide my experience if I can use it to help. (On the other hand, I'm not going to tell everyone just for conversational purposes!) I
have rebuked several missionaries, though, after hearing them discuss how God hates homosexuals. It's interesting! Whoa!

"I greatly appreciated the references you gave me to Mosiah. It put so many things into perspective and helped me greatly. I especially love the scripture Mosiah 7:33.
It is so profound, and indeed is true. Who better to place our trust in and serve diligently than the One who knows us better than we know ourselves and who has the
greatest outlook on our lives possible?! And although it is hard, if we but seek to do His will, He will deliver us from our personal spiritual bondage. It's such a great
promise and is something we should all remember daily."

As I read about this elder's feelings, wondering if he would ever have an opportunity to receive one of the greatest blessings of the gospel, I ached for him because I
understood. When I responded-still not revealing to him my own struggle with same-gender attraction because of the nature of my relationship with him as teacher and
student-I shared with him some of the thoughts, principles, and doctrines of the gospel of Christ that I thought might be helpful for him in his struggle, knowing how
difficult things had been for me personally. The following is part of what I shared with him:

"You were right when you said that 'many Latter-day Saints don't react well to non-heterosexuality.' I'd say most of that stems from misunderstanding. People naturally
fear the things they don't understand, and this is an issue that most people don't understand. I cringe when I hear people make jokes; and when I read that you had
rebuked several missionaries after hearing them discuss how God hates homosexuals, my heart sank to hear that anyone who represents the Lord Jesus Christ could be
so ignorant and say something so hurtful, harmful, and untrue. If there is anything I've learned in the last several months in the many in-depth discussions I've had with a
friend who deals with this challenge, it is just how much the Lord does love them. I've felt the Spirit witness to me many times something of the degree to which He
loves each of us as His children regardless of our struggles, temptations, mistakes, or sins, and I ache for those who don't feel that love for one reason or another. I
hope you do feel the love he has for you and never let the ignorant remarks of others get you down or discourage you.

"The work you are doing right now is only laying a foundation for you-for a life of continued service to Christ and His Church and Kingdom. You may just be beginning
another mission when you finally finish this one-a mission to help members of Christ's Church learn to love and feel compassion towards those they don't understand.
Brother Matis said something I think is kind of profound. He said, 'I don't think it is those with same-gender attraction who have the problem. I think it is us who have
the problem. The Lord sends them partly to help teach us how to love, to open our hearts and minds, and to feel compassion and charity.' Sister Matis said it was
trying to understand her son's struggle that helped her to really internalize the Atonement of Christ for the first time in her entire life. You, regardless of whether or not it
continues to be something you deal with when you return home, have experience and understanding that is very valuable to the work of the Lord and can contribute a
great deal to the building of the kingdom."

He responded almost immediately with the following:

"It is so comforting to know that there are others out there who have such a balance of compassion toward people with homosexual feelings and, at the same time, have
such a strong conviction of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Most I come in contact with (who know about me) fall on either side of those two. I can relate completely to the
things you shared about Stuart Matis. I've felt I've had these feelings since Middle School, and I naturally assumed going to church more, praying more, reading
scripture more, etc., would change me. Although it gave me a wonderful knowledge of the gospel, it didn't change me. I even expected change when I went through the
temple, and when I entered the MTC. I guess that's one of the reasons I was so down in the MTC. I had expected all my problems to somehow disappear as soon as I
put on that badge, but they didn't.

"And like Stuart, and many others, I've been depressed and felt isolated to the point I thought taking my life would solve it all. Obviously I didn't go though with it, but
up until your letter, I still felt like I needed to work harder, or maybe prove myself, and perhaps I'd overcome my personal battles. But what you said-that it isn't about
'change'; it's about Christ-hit me so hard, and once again I felt an immense sense of hope, and I felt my love and faith in Christ increase. I thought Mosiah 7:33 was a
powerful
 Copyright scripture when youInfobase
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                                             your last letter, but this time I feel that the personal revelation came into play. That verse truly spoke to me, andPage
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I'm not a bad person for having these feelings and inclinations, and I shouldn't wait to be 'changed' because I'm doing my scripture study every morning or tracting for
so many hours a day. It will happen according to His own will and pleasure.
"And like Stuart, and many others, I've been depressed and felt isolated to the point I thought taking my life would solve it all. Obviously I didn't go though with it, but
up until your letter, I still felt like I needed to work harder, or maybe prove myself, and perhaps I'd overcome my personal battles. But what you said-that it isn't about
'change'; it's about Christ-hit me so hard, and once again I felt an immense sense of hope, and I felt my love and faith in Christ increase. I thought Mosiah 7:33 was a
powerful scripture when you used it in your last letter, but this time I feel that the personal revelation came into play. That verse truly spoke to me, and I realized that
I'm not a bad person for having these feelings and inclinations, and I shouldn't wait to be 'changed' because I'm doing my scripture study every morning or tracting for
so many hours a day. It will happen according to His own will and pleasure.

"Jesus Christ loves me and wants what's best for me-I just have to have faith in Him, trust and serve Him, and He'll do what He knows is best for me. I mean, who
better to have faith and trust in than the Man who knows me better than I know myself?! I'm really coming to understand the importance of focusing on Christ. The
example of Peter's faith to walk on the water really touched me. I gained a lot of insight I never before realized. It's great because whenever I doubt or feel like I'm not
adequate, I think of seeing Christ off in the distance on the water-a light amidst a dark and troubled situation-and it gives me hope. I have to keep my focus on Christ
and everything else will fall into place.

"You asked a couple of questions concerning how my feelings and attitudes have changed since the MTC (in regards to eternal marriage and whatnot). Honestly, I feel
I've learned and grown every day that I've been out here. Everything I've been through has truly given me experience and has been for my good. In my patriarchal
blessing it says that I will pass through certain experiences to fortify my life and glorify my Father in Heaven. As far as the homosexuality thing goes, I look back on
what I was told by Church leaders and family, and I know that they wanted what was best for me, and because of them I am where I am today. But it's taken me a
good 2 1/2 to 3 years to even understand who I am.

"In the MTC, I figured I was destined to remain celibate and single for the rest of my life, miss out on marriage, and that would be that. I was actually preparing myself
for 'the next best thing' because I didn't think I had a chance. Obviously, I didnunderstand the gospel well, and I didn't have much faith in Jesus Christ or in my Father in
Heaven. Right now I can't say that I fully grasp the complete principle of eternal marriage, so I rely on faith. I have faith that things will work out for me. As far as
teaching the plan of salvation (which used to be a hard thing for me), I focus on my favorite part, which is having an eternal family. I personally can't think of anything
better than spending eternity with my beautiful, amazing family. So, to answer your question, yes! Things are a lot better. Thank you for your understanding."

In awe of the deepened understanding of the gospel and of his relationship to Christ and the Father, I cried as I read his letter. I cried as I read of his renewed and
strengthened faith and hope in Jesus Christ-the Son of God I have grown to love and appreciate so deeply. It was at this point that I started to understand the
significance of what my mission in mortality may be-simply to stand as a witness for Christ, despite my challenge.

My missionary friend shared something in that letter that seems to be appropriate and important to expand upon here-the fact that it was his adherence to the counsel of
his Church leaders and family that helped him to get to the mission field. Even though we have all covenanted to mourn for and comfort and be the saviors of men to
each other, the kingdom of God is a kingdom of order, and those who have stewardship over us-primarily our parents and bishop and stake president-who should be
our first line of resource for guidance and counsel. The most recent edition of the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet reads: "Homosexual activity is a serious sin. If you
find yourself struggling with same-gender attraction, seek counsel from your parents and bishop. They will help you."

The stewardship of our parents and leaders is something we must be willing to put trust and faith in. Though they are not perfect-and they do not pretend to be-they
have been called by God to lead and watch over us as His children and as theirs. . He will qualify those whom He calls, and if they make mistakes of judgment, we
must not take it upon ourselves to "steady the ark." [cite] Rather, we must have the proper faith in God to allow Him to judge them in the justice and mercy of His
eternal righteousness.

Concerning stewardship and how the Lord has ordered His kingdom to ideally work, Elder Ballard gave an address in a recent priesthood session of general
conference. His address was about preparing missionaries to serve, but it could also be applied to the concept of stewardship as a whole and, hence, how the issue of
same-gender attraction should ideally be addressed within the order of Christ's earthly kingdom. He said, "Now, fathers, you have a vital role in this preparation
process. We know that the most profound influence on helping young men prepare for the Melchizedek Priesthood, marriage, and fatherhood is the family. If your sons
understand the basic doctrines required to become a faithful father, they will surely be ready to serve as a full-time missionary. Unfortunately, far too many fathers
abdicate this eternal responsibility. You may assume that the bishop and the seminary, Sunday School, and Young Men teachers and leaders are in a better position to
motivate and inspire your sons than you are. That simply is not the case. While ecclesiastical leaders are important to your son's priesthood and missionary preparation,
the Church exists as a resource to you. It is not a substitute for your inspired teaching, guidance, and correction.

"Consequently, if we are 'raising the bar' for your sons to serve as missionaries, that means we are also 'raising the bar' for you. If we expect more of them, that means
we expect more of you and your wife as well. Remember, Helaman's 2,000 stripling warriors were faithful because "they had been taught to keep the commandments
of God and to walk uprightly before him" (Alma 53:21)-and that instruction came in their homes.

"Some fathers don't think they have the right to ask worthiness questions of their children. They think that is the purview of the bishop alone. Fathers, not only do you
have the right to know the worthiness of your children, you have the responsibility. It is your duty to know how your children are doing with regards to their spiritual
well-being and progression. You need to monitor carefully the issues and concerns they share with you. Ask specific questions of your children regarding their
worthiness, and refuse to settle for anything less than specific answers.

"Too often our bishops have to instruct youth to talk to their parents about problems they are having. That procedure should actually flow the other direction. Parents
should be so intimately aware of what is going on in their children's lives that they know about the problems before the bishop does. They should be counseling with
their children and going with them to their bishops if that becomes necessary for complete repentance. As divinely appointed judges in Israel, the bishop and the stake
president determine worthiness and resolve concerns on behalf of the Church; but, fathers, you have an eternal responsibility for the spiritual welfare of your children.
Please assume your rightful place as counselor, adviser, and priesthood leader in preparing your sons to bear the Melchizedek Priesthood and to serve as
missionaries" (M. Russell Ballard, "The Greatest Generation of Missionaries," Ensign, Nov. 2002, 46). [need to verify quotation and citation]

Although same-gender attraction in and of itself is not a worthiness issue in the least degree, it is a concern that can affect the spiritual welfare of the individual who
experiences it, depending on how that individual responds to the attraction [Ty: clarify the following part of this sentence?] and it can be placed together with this
fatherhood responsibility Elder Ballard speaks of to know the concerns of their children so they might better provide guidance, strength, and encouragement. Of course,
we should always seek the counsel of the Lord and follow the Spirit, and, as the Proclamation on the Family states, "circumstances may necessitate individual
adaptation," but this [Ty: this what?] should be the general rule-this is the order of the kingdom.

Our stewards may be humble, and we may think we know more than they, but we must seek their counsel and follow it. President George Q. Cannon taught, "Many of
the people think, 'I know more about this matter than my Bishop does,' when some temporal matter is agitated. That feeling is running through the minds of numbers of
the people; and while this is the case, your Bishops will probably not be as wise as they might be; they have not your faith to sustain them. But when the time comes that
you have implicit faith and confidence in God and in those whom He appoints to preside over you, in things temporal as well as spiritual, your Bishops will have all the
wisdom needed to give you the counsel you require." (George Q. Cannon, Gospel Truth: Discourses and Writings of President George Q. Cannon, 274.)
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With that principle in mind, I continue with the exchange between this missionary and me. Still not feeling it appropriate to reveal my own struggle to my friend, I wrote
more of the ideas I had learned concerning Christ and the Atonement:
the people think, 'I know more about this matter than my Bishop does,' when some temporal matter is agitated. That feeling is running through the minds of numbers of
the people; and while this is the case, your Bishops will probably not be as wise as they might be; they have not your faith to sustain them. But when the time comes that
you have implicit faith and confidence in God and in those whom He appoints to preside over you, in things temporal as well as spiritual, your Bishops will have all the
wisdom needed to give you the counsel you require." (George Q. Cannon, Gospel Truth: Discourses and Writings of President George Q. Cannon, 274.)

With that principle in mind, I continue with the exchange between this missionary and me. Still not feeling it appropriate to reveal my own struggle to my friend, I wrote
more of the ideas I had learned concerning Christ and the Atonement:

"This challenge may be really difficult for you, and I am so inspired by the faith you have shown and expressed in Jesus Christ despite your trial. I have come to
recognize that certain trials and challenges are given us-or are allowed to remain with usa reason. You, my friend, have had to come to know something about the
principle of faith, or you wouldn't be where you are. According to what you told me about your circumstances before your mission, you have made some decisions that
may have taken all the faith and hope you possess. If I were an investigator, I would much rather be taught the principle of faith and discipleship from you than from an
elder who had apathetically lived the gospel all his life because it somehow 'just worked.' You have lived and sacrificed for the Savior, and as you continue to do so,
you will teach with much more power and much more legitimacy than will an elder who hasn't had to do the same. I also hope you can have vision of your experience.
There is so much you can contribute to Christ's work and Kingdom. There is a place for you, and I hope you feel that. He needs you and loves you."

He responded:

"First off, I want to thank you for your letter. You've opened my mind a great deal and have put a lot of things in perspective for me. I appreciate it more than you will
ever know. . . .

"You asked in your last letter to tell you about my 'inspirational' story of me not taking my life. . . . Here goes: During college, in March of 2002, in one of my classes
there was this guy who I was getting to be pretty good friends with who just happened to be in the same situation I was. Anyway, to spare the details, he was beautiful
inside and out, and it ended up that I had to decide whether or not I wanted to pursue a relationship with him or whether I was going to pursue a mission. Nothing
inappropriate ever happened with him, but I still had to decide. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. Most of my family knew about him and were
naturally upset, so I felt like I was fighting between my family and what I felt inside. My friend would always tell me to be true to myself, and my family would always
tell me that I knew what was right-and inside my mind I couldn't be true to myself and do what was right. It just seemed like a lose-lose situation.

"So one night, I picked up the keys, went out to the front door, and had every intention to end my life. I got in my car, threw in my favorite CD (thinking it would be the
last time I'd listen to it), and drove south on the Interstate. I kept driving, wondering where and how to do it-I wanted to wreck my car with me inside, but I just kept
driving. Tears were streaming down my face, and I felt there was no hope. Out of the corner of my eye I saw this bright building-a temple. But I had never seen it
before so I had no idea which one it was. So I decided to check it out and find it. I got off at the next exit and drove through the side streets trying to find this temple.
Luckily it was a really dark night, so I could tell which way I had to go by the soft glow.

"Well, I was a few blocks away, and this thick fog started to drape over the streets. I figured it was some sort of sign, which made me more persistent to find the
temple. Well, I finally got on this road that seemed to be going nowhere-but it was right there in front of me before I knew it. I was literally in awe at the sight of this
magnificent building, and the tears came flooding down again. After a quick drive around the grounds, I realized it was the Mt. Timpanogos Temple. I sat there in the
parking lot and poured out my soul to my Father in Heaven letting Him know everything I was feeling-and I knew He was there. Something inside me told me to go
home and sleep-so I did, and when I woke up I felt so much better about everything. I ended up choosing to trust in the counsel of my family-and here I am. I feel as
though that temple in all reality literally saved my life. It holds a special place in my heart, and is a symbol of life to me-and for that reason it is also there that I received
my endowments."

"I also wanted to share with you an experience I had recently. There is a member around this area who is really good family friends with my old companion. I got to
know him, and we get along really well. Well, he came on exchanges the other week, and after talking quite a bit, he told me he was gay. This man is in his late forties,
active in the Church, has a temple recommend and all that, but he is struggling because of the comments and snide remarks from his ward. He loves the gospel of Jesus
Christ but is burnt out on the Church (meaning many of the people in it). I say this because I've been able to share with him some of the things you've shared with me,
and it has helped out a lot. He told me once that he thinks God might not love him as much because of some of the things he's been through (three engagements). I just
looked at him and said, "You don't really believe that, do you?" And then I proceeded to explain how much God loves each and every one of us.

"Ever since I first saw him, I thought that he was one of the reasons I was called here on my mission. I told him that when I get back from my mission that he and I will
do a temple session together. There is nothing I love more than being in the Celestial room knowing that I'm doing all right-and knowing that, yes, I can make it here
someday. I think you said it best when you wrote, 'Our eternal salvation isn't based upon our mortal heterosexuality.' It all goes down to that change of heart and to be
able to have our focus in the right direction-on our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Granted, I'm far from perfect, and I need help every day, but knowing that my Father
in Heaven does love me and that He and Jesus Christ truly understand me gives me such peace. It's so sad to me that there are so many people out there that don't
understand-even faithful members of the Church.

"Anyway, thank you again for your friendship and for all you have done for me. I feel so blessed to have the understanding of the things I do."

In the last of his letters that I'll include here, my friend shared with me a difficulty he had on his mission and how he not only grew from it but also how through it he was
able to see his own growth-both in his relationship to God and in his understanding of this issue in his life:

"I've recently had a strong witness testify to me that I was blessed with these trials to help me help others-I only hope I can have the faith and strength to do what the
Lord would have me do. Recently in this mission, there were rumors going around that I might be gay-and some of my closest friends out here were worried if it was
true and how I might react to people speculating (man, you keep an apartment clean and dress well and BAM! the speculations start!! Go figure . . . ) Anyway, I
confronted someone to see if there were any rumors going around about me, and he had the decency to be honest with me and tell me that people think that I might be
gay. He then asked me if there was any truth to the rumors-I said yes and we talked about it for about 10 minutes.

"Instantly, his understanding was broadened and his misconceptions cleared (somewhat) in regards to people who struggle with these attractions. Of course, word
spreads fast out here in the mission field among other missionaries-but you know what? I don't mind. Maybe that's what it's all about. There are so many people who
don't understand-just like I didn't before I came on this mission. Hopefully I might be an instrument in the Lord's hands to help people realize I'm not the spawn of
Satan because I have these inclinations-but to help them understand, to a greater extent, God's love for each of us individually, Christ's love for us and the power of His
Atonement-and all the eternal principles that apply to everyone, despite our trials and tribulations. I hope I can do that-I feel like there are a lot of people who need
help.

"It took quite a long time for me to understand that I'm not an evil person just because I have these attractions. I mean, homosexuality is a part of me, but it doesn't
define me, ya know? It's strange to look back on my life and remember how I used to feel. It was almost like having a ball and chain attached to my ankle or
something. This trial was something that weighed me down and was something I thought hindered my progress in becoming a better person. I didn't think there was any
way   I could(c)
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closer to Him as well. What an amazing blessing it's been! . . .

"Isn't it funny that there are rumors flying around this mission about me being gay? Once again, if this type of thing had been happening a year and a half ago, I probably
"It took quite a long time for me to understand that I'm not an evil person just because I have these attractions. I mean, homosexuality is a part of me, but it doesn't
define me, ya know? It's strange to look back on my life and remember how I used to feel. It was almost like having a ball and chain attached to my ankle or
something. This trial was something that weighed me down and was something I thought hindered my progress in becoming a better person. I didn't think there was any
way I could turn this trial around and actually use my experience and feelings to help bring me closer to my Father in Heaven-and at the same time, help others come
closer to Him as well. What an amazing blessing it's been! . . .

"Isn't it funny that there are rumors flying around this mission about me being gay? Once again, if this type of thing had been happening a year and a half ago, I probably
would've packed my bags and cried all the way home just because I didn't understand then what a great blessing this trial truly is! I think its good for other missionaries
to understand that members of the Church that have these attractions aren't bad people just because they have those attractions-and if missionaries look at me and use
me as an example to come to that conclusion, then so be it. I'm not about to latch onto another ball and chain and let these rumors hold me down."

Through my experience with this elder-both watching him to grow in Christ and gain a greater perspective of his place in the kingdom and at the same time realizing to a
greater degree at least a portion of my own mission in mortality-I have grown tremendously, and I have felt greater love for my Father and my Redeemer. I have had
similar conversations and experiences with others with whom I have developed close and lasting friendships-others who have touched my life and kindled in my heart a
greater desire to stand as a witness for my God both toward the world and toward many who are members of Christ's Church but who live with misunderstanding,
ignorance, suspicion, or fear of those who experience same-gender attraction. Most of these attitudes stem simply from ignorance and a lack of education on this issue
that can sometimes easily be reversed.

The following is an example of one teaching moment the mother of a close friend of mine had. She related to me a conversation she had with another son in which she
shared some of her own beliefs and perspectives concerning same-gender attraction that was able to help him get beyond some of his previous misconceptions:

"I thought I'd tell you about the discussion I had with Alan about same-gender attraction before you visit. The topic came up very naturally in a conversation I had with
him and my sister-in-law. She has a friend her age, thirty, who is a darling girl and very anxious to get married, but Jill said the guys that age are either too picky, too
weird, or gay. That let me quite naturally voice my opinion about what a difficult challenge that would be and how I think it's the hardest test possible.

"Alan took the bait and started off typically, like, 'Wait a minute. You think that's something God assigned?' I said that although it was my opinion, I felt that SGA was
simply a challenge or, for some, a test, as perhaps most of our trials are. I said I felt SGA was most certainly a test-and perhaps the only thing that would truly test
some of the most valiant spirit sons of God.

"He thought about that for a minute but was still hung up on the whole 'choice' thing. I said there's a big difference between attraction and action, and that totally cleared
it up for him. He said, of course! I have heterosexual urges, but as long as I don't act on them or lust in my heart, I haven't committed any sin!

"He was quite excited to understand this concept, and it also helped that we used the term same-gender attraction instead of gay, which to him implies living a
homosexual lifestyle. Within the space of just a few minutes, Alan had moved from the predominant opinion that all people who are dealing with SGA are sinning and
that it's their choice, to a more relaxed and open attitude that it could very well be something signed up for that would test one to his very limit, deserving certainly of
our sympathy and support, not to mention respect. He started out quite certain that sexual orientation could be changed (as I did!) but came to agree that such change
might not come until later in life or perhaps even the next life."

Small comments or discussions filled with sympathy and understanding such as these-"by small and simple things are great things brought to pass" (Alma 37:6)-by true
Christians who have a greater perspective on life, the gospel, the Atonement of Christ, and the nature of our challenges in mortality will do great things in helping to
educate and instill compassion in other Church members. We are all God's children, and the fulness of salvation is for all who are willing to follow Him.

When I was given the opportunity to write about this issue, I saw it as chance to further educate people about some of the things I feel the Lord has taught me in regard
to what I believe is the true nature of this challenge. I was initially very wary. First of all, writing has never been one of my talents, and I doubted my capacity to put
something so sensitive and personal into words in a way that would help others understand why I believe and feel the way I do. Also, I had some idea of the nature of
the various responses that were sure to come-I expected criticism from those whose beliefs vary from my own concerning the nature of this attraction and the
appropriate response to it.

Second, I'm only twenty-six years old-a mere babe in arms, in the eyes of some-and my experience and understanding is still minimal compared to the wide range of
others' experiences. I worried about being as comprehensive as possible but still keep the ideas and doctrines general enough so they could apply to those whose
experience has been distinctly different from my own.

With the encouragement and support of others close to me, once I made the decision to make the attempt to translate my convictions and passions onto paper, I was
confronted with the decision ofwhether or not I would attach my real name to the book. With a topic so widely misunderstood-and one in which there is such
passionate controversy and divergence of belief-I was initially extremely hesitant. Although this volume contains a record of my spiritual journey and of the doctrinal
understanding I've gained as I've experienced this trial, I had to consider the implications putting my name on the work would have. In addition to my own concerns, it
seemed like everyone around me had a few of their own to throw into the fire.

Some worried about my "labeling" myself. And what about a potential future family? How would this affect them? How would those critical of the Church and its stand
on this issue respond? How would they treat my name and the convictions and doctrines I hold so dear? These and other questions forced me to do a lot of pondering
and internal searching-and, most important, I had to turn to my God in prayer for guidance. Only He knows me perfectly, and only He could give me the heavenly
confirmation and peace I would need to go forward with whatever became the final decision.

One thought that often came to my mind as I pondered and studied the scriptures was what it means to stand as a witness for God. I really feel the Lord has been
merciful to me in helping me to understand the things I do, because so many others I know who experience this attraction leave the Church out of discouragement or
frustration, feeling there is no place for them in it. I have come to feel strongly that this challenge is nothing to be ashamed of. Same-gender attraction is simply a
challenge and nothing more. There may be sin in how I respond to it, but that is not the issue at hand. I felt that if I were to stand as a witness for Christ and discuss the
nature of this challenge-and its relation to the gospel-with the potency it needed to be said with, I would have to associate my real name with it.

I believe in Christ and in the fulness of the gospel, and when it comes to proclaiming both the redeeming and enabling power of His Name, with this specific book and
in this particular situation, I could not stand behind "Name Withheld." Because I'm not married, I had to take into consideration how it could affect my potential future
family but, nevertheless, as I continued to ponder and pray, I knew what I needed to do, and I felt the Lord's peace with that decision. That is the only thing that
matters to me. So, regardless of what happens in the future concerning a family, I know the Lord is with me and will provide a way for me to do whatever it is that He
would have me do. I must allow Him to be the Author of my life, and I will leave it in His hands.

I hope to stand with the faith of the ancient apostles who "rejoic[ed] that they were counted worthy to suffer shame for his name" (Acts 5:41). If people feel there is
shame  in exercising
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in society and among many members of the Church, I felt strongly that if the only voices heard on this issue were those of political rights activists, gay sitcoms, and pride
parades, this issue would never be understood and accepted within a gospel framework and in the most Christ-centered and faithful way.
would have me do. I must allow Him to be the Author of my life, and I will leave it in His hands.

I hope to stand with the faith of the ancient apostles who "rejoic[ed] that they were counted worthy to suffer shame for his name" (Acts 5:41). If people feel there is
shame in exercising faith in Jesus Christ through a trial of this nature that I didn't choose, then so be it! I will glory in His name. With misunderstanding and homophobia
in society and among many members of the Church, I felt strongly that if the only voices heard on this issue were those of political rights activists, gay sitcoms, and pride
parades, this issue would never be understood and accepted within a gospel framework and in the most Christ-centered and faithful way.

I do not believe it appropriate for anyone to announce their challenge from the pulpit or share it with anyone other than those who have stewardship over them or with
whom they feel the Lord has guided them to confide in. But I do believe that unless individuals-people who experience this challenge and who desire to live faithful to
God and refuse to suppress it in quiet desperation-are willing to discuss their challenge with those who love them and who can bless and help and strengthen and
support them, the misperceptions of society and those closest to us will never change.

As for myself, it will be difficult to keep my experience as private as I would have liked, but I hope, nevertheless, to move forward with my life in other ways and with
my many other passions and interests. Life is about Christ and salvation and sharing the gospel with others. Though I am not ashamed of my experience with same-
gender attraction, the attraction itself is not me-it is only a small part of who I am in this world. I know who I am-a literal child of my literal and eternal Father in
Heaven-and although I personally have no problem with the self-descriptions of "gay" or "same-gender attracted" or others of the terms people use to refer to those
who experience this attraction, there are a hundred other ways I would describe myself before I would use any of these other terms. I am a son and a brother. I am an
uncle and a nephew. I am a student and a friend. Even more important, I am a Christian and a Latter-day Saint. I am of Israel and of the seed of Abraham. I am a "god
in embryo." (Cite to ETB, as both above and below)

Shortly after returning home from my missionary service, I began working at the e. One day while I was sitting in one of those sacred rooms waiting for the next
session, I was reading about Israel after they had been called to build a tabernacle to the Lord. The Lord commanded Israel: "Take ye from among you an offering unto
the Lord: whosoever is of a willing heart, let him bring it, an offering of the Lord; gold, and silver, and brass . . ." He continued with the list of all that was needed to
build His house, "and they came, every one whose heart stirred him up, and every one whom his spirit made willing, and they brought the Lord's offering to the work of
the tabernacle of the congregation, and for all his service, and for the holy garments" (Exodus 35:5, 21).

As I sat in the temple reading these verses concerning ancient Israel-the people whom I had always thought of as being profoundly stubborn and ignorant-I was
touched with understanding and compassion for their desire to worship and to serve the Lord despite their shortcomings, for they did have that which was most
important-willing hearts. Their desire to serve and their willingness to sacrifice was so great, in fact, that those who had been called by Moses to receive their offering
"spake unto Moses, saying, The people bring much more than enough for the service of the work, which the Lord commanded to make. And Moses gave
commandment, and they caused it to be proclaimed throughout the camp, saying, Let neither man nor woman make any more work for the offering of the sanctuary. So
the people were restrained from bringing. For the stuff they had was sufficient for all the work to make it, and too much" (Exodus 36:5-7).

Touched by their willingness and their faith, I pondered these verses recording the lives of my ancestors. As I did so, I had a strong impression. It was as if the Lord
were saying to me, "Ancient Israel was called to build a tabernacle. Despite their shortcomings and their weaknesses, their hearts were willing and they heeded my call.
You, my son, have likewise been called to a responsibility of great magnitude, for you have been called to build a kingdom. [Ty: better to avoid comparison] Are you
willing to sacrifice, to serve, and to build?" The feeling was poignant, and I wondered if I did have the same willingness to serve-to serve until the Lord would say that
my efforts were "sufficient for all the work to make it, and too much."

My heart is willing, and though I am weak and have challenges and trials, I believe that there is a place for me in God's kingdom. This particular challenge is still not
over for me, nor do I know whether it will be in mortality. But with the "perfect brightness of hope," I will live for God and strive to proclaim His gospel. [cite] My
feelings concerning the gospel of Christ and His earthly Church and kingdom echo the bold proclamation of President Brigham Young: "I wanted to thunder and roar
out the Gospel to the nations. It burned in my bones like fire pent up . . . [and] nothing would satisfy me but to cry abroad in the world, what the Lord was doing in the
latter days . . . I had to go out and preach, lest my bones should consume within me." (Journal of Discourses, 1:313-14.)

The word of God is in my heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones! I believe that this [Ty: this what?](the latter-day work, the restoration of the gospel and the need
to spread it) is the work of the Almighty. I feel it! Although I do not fully understand what my place is in the body of Christ and the full implications of what will be
required of me in this life to build His kingdom, I continue to seek to better understand that place. But at least this much I know: The Lord is my God, and He loves me.
He is holy and full of grace and truth, and He wants me Home, and for that reason a ransom was made; for that reason did He say, "I will be merciful to them . . . if
they will repent and come unto me; for mine arm is lengthened out all the day long" (Nephi 28:32).

I love Him and want to give my life to Him. I am eternally grateful for the peace and perspective and purpose I have felt as He has helped me through His Holy Spirit of
truth to better understand divine purpose in my mortal challenges. "I glory in plainness; I glory in truth; I glory in my Jesus, for he hath redeemed my soul from
hell" (Nephi 33:6).




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